Pia Mellody stresses the importance of healthy self-esteem in all relationships; without it we are often relationally lost. I also have learned, through both personal and professional experience, the power of healthy self-esteem. Subsequently, I’m continually trying to teach my children how to practice healthy self-esteem.
So, in my effort to teach my children about this all important skill, I asked them if I could run some work stuff by them and if they would help me put it in kid language. They were too happy to oblige.
I explained the concept of inherent worth and stressed that everyone in the world is equal to everyone else…no matter what. I was clear to point out that Tom Brady is no more worthy than my son, daughter, or anyone else; nor is the President of the United States, Maya Angelou, or John Mayer.
I further explained that there is nothing anyone has to do to earn his/her worth; we are all worthy just because we are alive and breathing. Girls are equal to boys; boys are equal to girls; adults are equal to kids and kids are equal to adults…period.
After I answered, to my son’s satisfaction, why teachers and grown ups get to tell kids what to do if everyone is equal, we moved to what unhealthy self-esteem looks like. If healthy self-esteem is same as or equal to others, then unhealthy self-esteem is thinking you’re better than or less than others. (My children were quick to inform me that children prefer the terms bigger than and smaller than).
When people think they are bigger than others, they often become mean, insensitive, and frequently judgmental of others. When people think they’re smaller than others, they are often judgmental, mean, and insensitive toward…themselves; same energy, same behavior, just a different target.
After many examples, questions, and a thorough discussion my daughter said, “I get it mom. You don’t want to hang out in the attic and nor do you want to hang out in the basement. Instead you just want to be in the family room where everyone else is.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself…
It’s important that all of us, children and adults, realize how worthy we are…just because. There is nothing we need to do to earn that worth, and there is nothing we can do to increase our worth; it’s already there. It’s solid, strong, and permanent.
Own it and relax into it. You are worthy. Stop hanging out in the attic thinking no one else is worthy enough to join you, or hanging out in the basement because you think you’re not worthy enough to join anyone else. Come join us all in the family room where we can hang out together.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to all the times you try to make yourself bigger than others by being mean, judgmental, or insensitive. Pull yourself back down to center by reminding yourself that you’re no better than anyone else and you too make mistakes etc.
Also pay attention to all the times you think you’re less than others by being mean, insensitive, or judgmental of yourself. Remind yourself that you are no less than anyone else in this world and bring yourself back to center. Practice this every day for the next several weeks and let me know what you notice.