I was speaking with someone who was telling me that when he doesn’t do what he agreed to do, his coach questions him about his lack of integrity in his word. When I heard this it struck me how often we say or agree to things we don’t mean. In couples, this often leads to anger, disappointment and ultimately one partner not trusting another partner’s word.
I began to watch my own habits around this and I realized that I was not as much in integrity as I thought I was. I caught myself a couple times agreeing to something quickly and then realizing I really wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it. Although I wasn’t purposely trying to deceive anyone, I was. For example, my friend and I are in a book group together and we were supposed to have completed the exercises in the first chapter. She had done her part and I said I just didn’t have the time. Although I was really busy, if I had taken my agreement seriously, then I would have found the time.
At the end of the call we both agreed to move to chapter two and get as much done as we could. Immediately after I agreed to this I was aware that really what I was thinking was that I’d try to get to chapter two—no guarantees. When I realized this, I quickly told my friend. I realized how out of integrity this was, even though it was not purposefully deceitful. I then recommitted to actually doing chapter two rather than just “trying” to do it.
I’m now paying more attention to the small and larger agreements I make and I’m more cognizant of the importance of my word. Although I always knew about it with the more “important” issues, I realized that the smaller issues are equally important. I believe it is about integrity, I can either be trusted to do what I say, or I can’t. Whether it’s big or small, it’s still my word.
Since I’ve been really aware of this, I’ve noticed a big shift in the agreements I make. Now I make sure I’ll be able to do something before I agree to it. If I’m not sure, then that’s what I say. If I mean I will try, then I say I will try. It can lead to me saying a lot more “no’s”; however, I feel better, more responsible, and in integrity as a result.
The final thing I continue to work on that I have found helpful, is to follow a common saying in the coaching world, “Under promise, over deliver” (I believe it was created by Cheryl Richardson). For example, if you think you’ll call the plumber by Wednesday, say you’ll do it by Saturday. If you call him on Friday you’re still ahead of the game. You’ll feel glad you got it done in time and the other person will be psyched you got it done early. I have used this many times and it has brought me a lot of peace. This is also a great way to follow your word. It gives you extra time, helps you be more responsible, and helps in relationships of all kind—business, friendships and definitely romantic relationships.
Challenge: Pay attention to your agreements, making sure you don’t agree to anything unless you know you will do it. Become more particular with your yes’s and start to practice the art of under promising and over delivering. Your partner will thank you for it.