REPAIRING TRUST AFTER AN AFFAIR
I often hear individuals who have had affairs speaking to their partners, making comments like: “Am I ever going to live this down?” “It didn’t mean anything.” “It’s over with, would you let it go!” etc. The general theme is they want to quickly move past the affair and go on with their life; the only problem is their partner is not quite as ready to just “move on” (and with good reason).
The killer about affairs is not so much the act of sex, per se, as much as it is the lies, deceit, and crazy-making denials that occur prior to and throughout the entire affair. The residue of the deception is what lingers long after the actual sex has stopped. So when someone has ended an affair and decides to step back into their committed relationship, they need to know that step back is a long, hard journey. If you want to rebuild your relationship after breaking the trust, you must realize that it is the norm for couples impacted by affairs to struggle for months and even years afterward.
More often than not, the journey back is about the damage done, the remorse shown, and the day-to-day actions of repair the offending partner does or does not take rather than their partner’s inability to let it go. With this in mind, here are some tips for those of you who have had affairs and want to rebuild the trust in your relationships:
Do:
1. Take full responsibility for the affair without rationalizing, defending, or minimizing what you did in any way.
2. Know that your partner will be triggered often and this is normal! Your job is to reassure him/her when they are feeling insecure or suspicious–not deny, get defensive, or storm out. Every time you respond to your partner’s insecurities defensively or angrily, rather than listening, comforting, or reassuring, you earned yourself two more months of insecurity. (Comfort sounds like, “I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Is there anything I can do to help?” Reassurance sounds like, “I know I hurt you and I want you to know that I am committed to never do that again.”)
3. Show remorse, apologize, and make amends. If there is little remorse, the recovery time expands to years–if this is possible at all.
4. Be an open book for as long as necessary. Do not hide e-mails, tell any lies–no matter how small–and be honest even if you think your partner will react negatively…take lying off the table!
Challenge: If you have not taken full responsibility for your affair, go to your partner today and own up. Show remorse and mean it–you just ripped apart what you both had–and that deserves an apology…for starters! Commit to not act defensively when your partner gets triggered–comfort, reassure, and listen…every time. The more you do this, the quicker you both will heal and the less your partner will be triggered.
Dear Paula: You stated a number of times that you “have issues”. You have to work out your issues in order to be able to be in a healthy relationship. Right now it sounds like you’re staying in a relationship out of desperation not a healthy choice. Your children are learning how to be in relationships from you. Get into therapy for yourself to work on your anger issues and dependency issues. You’re not trusting your husband because he has not been trustworthy. He should be doing everything he can to be earning your trust. In the mean time, get yourself into therapy so you can become stronger, healthier and more grounded rather than reactive.
Take Care-Lisa
My partner and I have been married for 15 years. Four years ago I caught him cheating on me, and we tried to work it out. Then within the last year, his behaviour was very cold towards me. I did not understand, until I saw chats with another woman, during the time he was accusing me of being too possessive and dependent on him. When he admitted, I thought about ending the relationship, but I have two kids and no family support in the country that I live. I did not want to return home because there are many issues there as well. I changed my lifestyle, we went for counselling shortly. I converted to Christianity. He apologised many times, but I still have so much issues with trust. From the time we started seeing each other I had issues with trust. Early in the relationship, he allowed his ex-girlfriend to stay in his room when she returned for holidays. I found mails where he spoke to female friends saying that he cares about them and is interested in what is happening with them. When he went to study abroad (after we were married), he was close to another woman (I do not think they were sexually involved) and I only found out through chats on his computer. After the first affair he lied about hiring a woman he said “that looked good” to do secretarial duties for his second business. I found out by e-mail. I have personality issues, I get angry when he lies to me…sometimes explosive…..turning to Christ helps a little and I try to control my outburst….I still do not trust him, at times I feel neglected…..I know I have issues….sometimes I make up scenarios in my head that he is hiding affairs from me.
I really do not know which way to turn. Embarassed
My wife had an emotional affair with an old friend of her’s she has known since before we even met. I found out and she has not really volunteered any of the things they used to get up to but fairly answers all my questions. We have decided to give our marriage another chance but I an seriously struggling with trust issues and every time she receives a call of she fiddles with her phone i tend to always wonder who she will be talking/chatting with. I don’t know how to overcome this as the girl I dated before I met my wife also cheated on me and it took time for me to get over the whole thing
Dear No More Faith: I’m sorry to hear about the choices your husband is making. It absolutely sounds like he is cheating. I would also be wondering if he has a sex addiction given some of the things you are reporting. I recommend you both seek therapy with a trained sex addiction therapist to rule out any addiction and to address the serious issues in your marriage. If he refuses to go, then the behavior is likely to continue and escalate. Seriously think about what you want to do about this relationship if that is the case.
I’m sorry to hear that you have been put in this position. Trust your instincts and do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
My husband’s job keeps him out on the road for months at a time. He has returned home with receipts from adult stores that indicate the purchase of items, receipts for prepaid calling cards and receipts for prepaid debit cards, all of which he says he must have mistakenly picked up somewhere and swears they aren’t things he used. I am not “allowed” to “nose around” in his suitcase, but that is where he has two extra phones, a bottle of male enhancement pills and an open box of condoms. He also had a sack of trash I was supposed to dispose of that contained several of these receipts and napkins and scraps of paper with girls’ phone numbers and names on them. His main phone (the one I pay the bill on) has a Google history of searching for local women who just want to “hook up” for sex. He swears he isn’t cheating and once told me he was only looking on there to “see if there is something better out there”. I am at the point where I know he is a liar but can’t solidly prove it. I think all men cheat.
Hi I read your article and I could use some words of encouragement. I recently found my wife of 10 years has been calling her old boyfriend. I didnt mind at first she would call him on her way home from work or text him, they hadnt seen each other in 20 something years. But recently I went on a business trip and evidently she decided that was the best time to call him. She called him several times over two nights, one of the was at 3 in the morning and they talked for 2 hours. To make it worse while I was driving home from this trip I called her trying to stay awake, she told me she was extremely tired and going to bed, but according to the phone bill she called him immediatly after hanging up with me and talked for over an hour. I confronted her about this and she says they were talking about old high school friends and nothing crossed the line. She has apologized and said she has no explanation of why the timing was the way it was and she just cant remember why she called him right after hanging up with me. I am really having a hard time getting past this, I love her with all my heart and dont want to lose her but in a way I feel I have already lost part of her. How do I trust her again?
My husband and I haven’t even been married for a year. We got married 9-4-11…I found out that he had been cheating on me the day before we got married and the girl was pregnant. I felt like it was to late to cancel the wedding and I really loved him plus we had a daughter together. They both admitted everything and said it stopped in July.
He says it was nothing and it was an accident. Yet its like I constantly keep thinking about it and wh it happened. We barely talk about it because I get upset or I feel like he is trying to avoid it or still having feelings for her. I have yet to speak to her since that phone call. I do know she had the baby. He said he hasn’t spoken to except twice and he has let me know when she does contact him. Also, right after the phone call I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. I feel he is trying his hardest to make it up to me and try to show he is different. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like he might go back and do it again or that he is doing things. Even though he tries to show me he isn’t. I was never jealous before and that’s my problem now because I should have seen the signs when it was happening or acknowledge them. We are trying to make this work. But I don’t know what to do or how to do it….
Dear Kandi: if he truly wants to repair this then he would be willing to get into professional help so you both can work through this together. Affairs are very difficult to heal from and typically take 3-5 years. i suggest you both get into couples treatment and work through this together.
Take Care-Lisa
I’m in an interesting situation, my husband and I have been married for 2 years but have been together for about 5. We are younger (21 and 24) and we have a son together, we have struggled our entire relationship with him lying about flirting and cheating. I believe 100% without a doubt that he has cheated on me, he has tried to have sex with my ex best friend and flirts with any new friends I bring home which of course I have just stopped having friends all together. He tells me its because he doesn’t know how to stop. He has a condition called intermittent explosive disorder and part of it is he feels justified with every action he makes. He has sworn up and down he has not physically cheated on me and every time he flirts with someone he always asks them “why am I doing this?” and that stops the flirting dead in its tracks. I’ve caught him on dating sites claiming to be single or divorced as well. I’m so tired of it. It hurts so bad because I want to trust him like I used to more then anything but he does NOTHING to help build that trust. He goes to group and one on one therapy we tried couples therapy but of course the therapist just told me to keep doing what I’m doing and good will come, so what I just continue being miserable and crying every day and being obsessive over what he’s doing? Its slowly killing me. I need help I don’t know what else to do.
Dear Marissa: Stop doing what you’re doing and instead get into a 12-step group or individual therapy yourself to address co-dependancy issues. Is it possible your husband is struggling with sex addiction? Either way, the last thing you should be doing is trusting him right now–he doesn’t even trust himself. He says he can’t help it so why would you trust him? Get yourself a good therapist and start working on you so you can get strong enough to not take his treatment. Look into a CODA group (co-dependants annonymous) and start working you.
Take Care-Lisa
Hi
I’m in kind of a crazy situation because I’m recently married but me and my wife are both military. But to make a long story short, I’ve been in the service for awhile now and when she seemed interested I encouraged her. During her training she changed completely. It had me worried so after six months of not seeing each other she was acting weird and distant which is to be expected but something seemed off, turns out she was falling for another guy while in training. She claims she never cheated on him but that was tempted. I have never felt more devastated as I do now. We in the end decided to make it work so we moved to awhole different country where she is stationed and I left everything in hope that our relationship would work. But now though there has been some improvement evey time she checks her phone or chats on FB I get suspicious and it drives me crazy. Turns out she still talks to him, she says there’s nothing going on but I simply can’t trust her anymore though I would very much like to. We have worked and risked so much for this relationship that it would be a shame to let it die simply because i don’t trust her. Plus she is way secretive and it makes me even more suspicious but she just says that its just the way she is and blah blah blah… I love her more than anything in this world but i feel like i’m the only one putting the work and risk… not sure what i can do to make things better all around.
Dear Dave: I would tell her directly that you’re having a hard time trusting her and it’s hurting your relationship. I suggest you both get professional help to address her secretive nature and to look at how to repair the damage. Your difficulty trusting her is normal and to be expected. It’s also healthy since she’s not acting trustworthy. Her contacting this man is harmful to the relationship regardless of how she explains it.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Trent Pires
Im thankful for the post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.
Me and my husband had affairs around 7yrs being married. Its now going on 11yrs and we have worked through a lot. But this last yr he joined a sleazey cover band as the lead singer and its killing me to see women all around my husband especially in spandex pants singing cover songs and changing the words to obsucure words. Its part of the show. I really need advice i have not been going to the shows it hurts to much. But now I feel like im not being supportive and he really wants me to go. I dont want him to quit the band either because he loves it and hes an awesome singer. I just have insecurities I wish I could figure out what to do to help me feel better its really driving me crazy and it hurts so much. I tell him and hes hoping to work things out too. We were never jealous before. And I Know I trust him 110%.
Hi, my girlfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years, we bought our first house together and started building a life together. Earlier this year we went through a really tough time and a couple of months ago we decided to break up and seperate. Since then we have been working to get back together, honestly i really feel like i’ve been doing most of the work, she said she didn’t feel the same, none the less we still saw each other, dated , etc… A week ago she went out and slept with another guy. His now ex-girlfriend found both of them and proceeded to fill me in. I didn’t believe it until i confronted her, and then she decided to come clean. She’s told me that it was that act that gave her a wake up and made her realize what we have and what i mean to her. I am torn and confused. Should i be anger as we were separated, but working on it? If she’s that convinced i’m the one for her, why did it take sleeping with someone else to figure that out? I sit with all the what if’s now. I’m in a fortunate place that i have been able to forgive both her and the partner. Everyone tells me i deserve better, but i do love her. Any thoughts
Dear Iain: If she really did realize what you both have then you should feel a shift in her actions and how she treats you. If you only hear the “right” words yet see no difference in actions then I wouldn’t wait around. If in fact her actions are changes significantly then it’s possible that she’s being honest and you can give it a try. Just remember the proof is always in the actions.
Good Luck-Lisa
Dear T: Affairs are difficult to heal from even under the best of circumstances. Your husband continuing to have contact with her after you found out about the affair makes healing all the more difficult. I would get professional help from someone who specializes with couples. I also recommend you read the book “Not Just Friends”.
Take Care-Lisa Merlo-Booth
Lisa,
My husband was caught in an emotional affair last year. I found the email where he told her that he loved her which devestated me. Im not sure if it went sexual or not/ In fact, I found out that they had still be in contact this past December. He tells me that he isn’t talking to her anymore, and verbally says he is taking responsiblity but he as far as I am concerned this entire year and a half has been a lie. He tells me that He feels like he lives in a box, and he is unhappy but he wont leave. he still keeps his cell phones every where whith him. Now he has a work phone so I have no access to that phne log. He tells me that he has been good and trying for the last 6 to 8 months and it hasn’t done him any good, I haven’t trusted him.. I still “keep him in a box”. Well he has lied to me constantly about money, where he has been and about his relationship with her so it is hard. Also, I have to see this woman in my place of busines so it is difficult to overcome when she is in my face all the time… help T
My husband and I were married for 2 yrs but together 5yrs prior to getting married. I have helped him raise three children as he has helped me raise two. We were out one night and decided to invite people over for after drinks they were all couples as the night progressed the night got a little friskier u can say don’t know exactly how but the woman started talking about how gorgeous my husband was and so forth. We exchanged words and after a while I noticed him feeding into the compliments I should have stopped it but we were already having problems and at this point thought I don’t have the energy to deal with more idiotic behavior on top of being intoxicated. Well needless to say the night got ugly I asked them to leave and my husband followed both (the husband and wife out) so I come out of my bedroom looking for him and find her husband on the couch when asked where they were he said they (my husband and his wife) were outside he (her husband)said I didn’t want to go out there because according to her husband my husband was trying to talk her into coming inside cause she was really intoxicated. Well I go out to see what is going on I don’t see her but see him standing in the street on the other side of there truck as I approach he tells me not to get closer I don’t want to see this. So I yell what do you mean and as I approach he is pulling his privates in his pants and telling me it was nothing. Needless to say I lost it I threw them out of my house and just lost it. We made it through that but then about a year later I find naked pictures of another girl in his pic he never had sex with this woman cause when those pics were taken and sent to him he was out of town it was done accidentally and he continued it cause he was trying to show off to his friends and nothing ever happend. When I found those pics I called the girl cause she is actually a friend of the family and married I told her that if she ever came near my husbad that I would tell her husband and my sister in law who is her closest friend and ’til this day says he is faithful an hasn’t messed up since. I forgave him once and now twice how can I continue forgiving him I love him so much and I allowed him into my heart but I can’t trust him and he gets aggrevated with this. He says that he has never done it again but how do I know for sure he works out of town comes in once a week out of the month. I am so lost and hurt. I don’t know what to do.
Hi, I was just caught sending sexually explicit emails to a married man. I have a child with the man I have been with for 4 years. So I ruined 2 relationships. Nothing was ever acted upon, strictly emails about fantacies. My boyfriend logged onto my email the one day it happened, it only happened this one time, and he is so hurt. He has never trusted anyone and he trusted me, he honestly is the love of my life and I have owned up to everything. I am not taking the situation mildly at all and I hate to see him hurt. The situation happened just yesterday and I understand it takes a lot of time to gain back trust, but my question is, does it ever work? Can trust actually be gained back? I hate seeing him hurting and I have completely committed to making things work. I have cut off all connections with the other man and my boyfriend has all my passwords to everything. I just desperately want things to work, but I feel that I betrayed him too badly. Can it work?
Please help, K
Dear K: yes it can work and…it takes hard work. You’re doing the right things which is be accountable, do your best to repair the damage, allow your life to be an open book for a period of time and agree to get help as a couple to work through the pain and mistrust. Know that it takes a long time to earn trust back. You will need to earn his trust back over a long period of time by doing the things above. I would also look at why you would send sexually explicit e-mails to someone when you say you’re with the love of your life. What were you looking for? Do you have a pattern of sabatoging your relationships? Are there affairs in your family of origin? Start looking at why you did what you did so you can work through that issue and not repeat it.
Hang in there–Lisa
My name is Terrance, I cheated on my wife(then girlfriend) and conceived a child with me ex before her. As time pass, she saw that I wasn’t sleeping with her anymore. She went through my email and saw messages that I had exchanged with a woman and flipped. Since then, she checks my email more often, goes thru my phone and constantly accuses me of cheating with any woman that speaks to me while at work. Recently, she went through some old boxes and found a note where myself & a former co-worker were saying inappropriate things and old messages on facebook when i told another co-worker that she needed to come “see” me jokingly 2 weeks before our wedding. In no instance since the child was conceived have I been intimate with another woman besides her. She wants me to tell her the truth but when I try to she says I’m lying and starts with the barrage of “you aren’t…. and I wish you die”, ect, ect. Ive told her the truth but when she gets these “feelings” she has to find something to justify them and if she cant she throws the kid in my face or the way their mothers act. What do I do?
Dear Terrence: The problem is the number of repeated incidents that all have the same flavor. What have you done to show her that you realize you’re thinking was off? My recommendation is that you both seek out professional help to heal from the affair and to help her handle her anger around your betrayal. Also, at the same time as you’re doing everything in your power to show her you’re trustworthy, you also have to set limits with her on how she behaves when triggered. It’s not okay for her to say she wishes you would die etc. You will have to relationally set limits on that behavior and be clear that you’re willing to earn her trust and you’re not that she will have to be respectful in how she speaks to you about her upset.
Your first step though is to request that she join you with meeting with a professional.
Take Care-Lisa
I have a partner of 42 years, I found out last year he had been having an affair for 14 years, at first he told me it was 5 years but I rang the other woman and she told me the truth,which we he didn’t deny. My world crashed but after 18 months, I have come to accept it. We have talked when I feel the need. He tries hard and we walk on eggshells a lot of the time, he is desparately trying hard and has become transparent. I want to make it work, the funny thing is this is the closest we have ever been. The problem is he still speaks to the OW. He says that he helped her with a lot of things and she still calls him for advice and once she starts calling to ask how he is or there is not a problem it will be time to stop talking. He says he has hurt her as well as me and wants to try and soften the blow.
He says there are no feelings anymore just someone who is still vulnerable. She had alcohol-related problems, lost her mother, got breast cancer, lost her flat etc.
Part of me says okay, I know you are not an unfeeling 77777777777, but will this ever end, will she always be in our life. The other part says he can’t let go. He denies this.
In the 14 years he never slept away from home, he takes pride in the home and family. I wasn’t abused by him. Help
I committed an affair after almost 3 years of marriage. I took full responsibility for it and the debt that I accured over the couple years. My wife is throwing jabs of insults like “you worthless piece of …. and you are scum. How am I supposed to react to these insults? I always tell her I am here for her if she needs to vent. And to add gas to the fire her best friend chose to tell me that she was not treating me right, and the insults needed to stop. I brought this information to her and my wife was broken down even more. Her friend also would text me and try and give me advice and make me feel not worthless (although I feel like I am) I do not need support other than my counselor because I know I am doing the best I can. What can I do to help heal their friendship because it was “my actions” that will tear apart their relationship. My wife says “what a great friend to me(my wife) that she chose you (husband) to try and make feel better. You (husband) are not the victom, I (wife) am.” I love her very much, and would do anything for her but she keeps on getting hurt and I am trying to justify and help her threw it but I know I am the last person she wants help from.
Please help
Matt
Dear Matt: Your wife’s comments and outbursts are not okay. The more you accept them and try to calm her down the more you teach her that he venom is okay. You can accept the blame without accepting the toxicity. Let her know that the way she attacks you is not okay anymore. I recommend that you both get into couples therapy to deal with this issue so she can learn how to express herself without being abusive and can also try to work through the betrayal. Your affair was wrong and her continued punishment is also wrong. The only way she will stop is if you stop taking it (respectfully).
Hang in there and seek professional help.
Lisa
REPAIRING TRUST AFTER AN AFFAIR is very difficult, and you have described everything very clear in this post i learn few new points though this post.
Lisa.
I need help!
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 3 yrs. We grew up together as neighbors and hadnt spoken in 20 yrs as she moved away during high school. I had just come out of a nasty divorce and she was going through one when we started talking via facebook. We waited until she was legally separated and started making visits. (long distance) about 2 yrs into our relationship she asked for time to make sure this is what she wanted and wrap up her divorce (legal end of it) She told me I needed to let her go because she didnt know “where we would be in 6 months” I was very hurt and angry because of our history together, our dating time was fantastic I knew I would marry her and we would be together for ever. I just knew she was the one. We had what I thought was a very healthy relationship. Complication begins, We both had friends of the opposite sex. I made a trip to visit some family and had contacted one of my female friends because I would be in her area and wanted to visit. I always knew there was an attraction to this woman but I strongly believe that friends of the opposite sex there always is a level of attraction. Anyways we wound up having sex. There was much alcohol involved I know that is no excuse. I felt horrible this was my first time cheating ever and the last. after I got home my girlfriend called me and asked me to come to her she was done with the divorce and ready to spend her life with me. I went and just couldnt tell her I know I should have but she was on my phone and found a msg to a friend who had been councelling me (negatively) and she confronted me. I owned up to it and I could see she was destroyed. This was 8 months ago we have tried to make it work by spending time together but whenever I have to leave the anger comes back and all the questioning what we had comes back to her. When we spend time together she seems fine we laugh, love, talk about it and we even made a plan for me to move there to work on it as a long distance relationship we both agree wont work. I am away now and things are going bad. I think that a good way to prove my love, wanting to rebuild trust, and repair our relationship would be to make the move there. I can say it all day long but without any action what I say doesnt really mean much as the trust between us is destroyed.
Dear Brian: You need to show her in any and every way you can that you can be trusted. Your life should be an open book for a period of time. Don’t say you’re going to move unless you’re going to do it. Anything you say, you had better make sure happens. She has to be able to trust you and that starts with the little things and includes all the big things as well. Read the book , “Not Just Friends” and have her read it as well. healing from an affair is a 3-5 year process. She will be triggered randomly about the affair and you have to reassure her.
Stay the course and earn her trust back.
Take Care-Lisa
Mu husband admitted to an affair nearly 4 weeks ago and the first 3 weeks were great I had my moments but it felt like we were getting somewhere. Last week I found out he’s still texting her and whilst I believe him about there been nothing in it, I don’t trust her which stupidly he does.
He know’s and understands how I feel and sees my point of view but also sees that there is nothing wrong in them been friends as he isn’t going there again. Now all the little things are starting to eat away at me and set me right back to the start – not eatting, not sleeping, tearful, etc… and almost on a self destruct mission. How can I make him see this is wrong texts go on all day from 5.15 when he’s working or 8 (after I’ve gone to work) till 9.30/10 at night and 30/50 texts. I know what people looking outside in would say as I’d say the same but I truly believe it’s innocent this time (at least on his part) but he knows it’s hurtful and thus is hiding it from me which actually only makes things worse as I have moments where I then think well there must be something to hide, he has always been very private about things but until he started the affair we both new access codes for phones, etc… He also has a problems dealing with emotions and feelings, although as we go on I can see him taking little steps.
Dear Fee: There is nothing innocent about his continued texting. His behavior is saying loud and clear that he cannot be trusted. The real question is are you courageous enough to see that rather than justifying his behavior. The woman is the least of your problems here–your husband is the one you should be the most concerned about. Why is he answering her texts? Why is he hiding them from you? He knows what he’s doing is wrong yet you are excusing it. He will continue doing what he’s doing as long as you’re blind to the issue. Dare to see what’s right in front of you…it’s the only chance at creating a healthy relationship.
Take Care-Lisa
Well here is the situation for me. My wife of 5 years just broke the news to me that she has been having a kissing affair with another guy for the past two years. Now if it only happened once it wouldn’t have been as bad, but this happened a bunch of times in the past two years. She did seem very remorseful when telling me but I just really don’t know if I can ever trust her again. She has been lying to me about this guy for two years!!! We do have a child together so it’s not as easy as picking up and leaving. I want to try to patch things up but I am not sure how. I have been cheated on before but it was just a girlfriend and I had shown her the door very quickly. Is there anything that I can do in order to try to regain trust in the relationship or is it completely shot for me? I still love her but every time I think about what she told me it’s just like a huge beast comes out in me and I want to hurt the guy that she did this with. She tells me that it will never happen again. She has also told the guy that it is over but he just kind of shrugged it off like “yea whatever”. I really don’t think that he is going to leave her alone. Anything that anyone can tell me would be a help. I am at a complete loss.
Thanks D
Dear D: Your feelings are totally understandable and normal. Most people have that urge to want to hurt the person who had an affair with their partner. However, that will only create more of a problem. My suggestion is that you and your wife seek professional help. Affairs are hard to get through without help and it’s a long road back to trust. A good book to read is “Not Just Friends” to give you ideas on how to heal.
Hang in there–if she’s remorseful and willing to work to earn your trust back, it can work out.
Take Care-Lisa
My boyfriend of four years is a wonderful man! We don’t live together and only see each other on weekends because of job situation. Honestly, I have always been an untrusting person because of the emotional abuse I have sustained from previous relationships. Recently I found that he sent a girl from twitter a picture of him flexing and she sent one back in her panties an bra! I checked his twitter because I saw the picture on his twit pics and had a gut feeling! I forgave him he said it was just an affirmation thing and that it motivated him to workout harder when women tell him how good he looks! However, he apologized and said. He would not do it again! A week later I had reasonable suspicion that there was something else. I took his phone and he had been sending more pics, The pics he sends are not nude put they are posing his six packs and abs! However the pics she is sending keep getting more sexy, naked even! I just told him yesterday that I need time, he is still saying it’s not cheating but constitutes cheating in everyday to me! I love him dearly! I do snoop around in his things quite often for years in fear I would find something! A part of me thinks I pushed him into it simply because I had been so insecure for so many years about him deceiving me! I need advice on the situation! Thanks
Dear Angie: You didn’t push him into anything. If he was having a hard time with your mistrust he had the right to set a limit with you around this and be clear that it wasn’t okay with him. He did not and does not have the right to be dishonest. His actions are showing loud and clear that he is not acting trustworthy. If she is sending him naked pictures he is playing with fire and being incredibly disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would be very concerned and would not trust him.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
I am in a bad place caused by my own actions. I am separated from my husband, we were married for not even 2 years and had known each other for 4. He is a great man, just not the man for me. While I was coming to this conclusion for myself and becoming antsy in my marriage a friend popped back into my life. I had known this friend for 7 years, although we had never met in person, we’d met playing a game online when we were both teenagers. It didn’t take long before I developed strong feelings for my friend- he lives in CA and I’m in NC. I left my husband. Moved out on my own and continued my relationship with my long distance boyfriend. We were good, then in August I panicked, wondered if I was doing the right thing, tried things with the husband, left the boyfriend. That lasted about a weekend. My boyfriend took me back then 2 months later, around the time of my 2 year marriage anniversary- I was again overwhelmed with doubt, insecurity, fear. I spent some time with my husband again. Once more after a few days it was apparent this wasn’t what I needed. My boyfriend again took me back. Then this year, in February, I saw my husband. We didn’t speak of getting back together. We did have sex briefly. I don’t know why that happened. I had to drop something off for him and it just happened. I know it sounds crazy, but that encounter really helped solidify for me how much I do love my boyfriend. The total lack of emotion that my husband evoked in me is what really showed me. After that encounter I was stronger, more confident in my love for my boyfriend. Our relationship evened out. We started talking more, fighting less. Then, we got into a stupid argument over a trip I was supposed to take out there, we both said stupid things to each other- and some how my best friend thought it would be a good idea to call my boyfriend and tell him about my sleeping with my husband. I love my boyfriend very much. I still have yet to lay a finger on him and I am sure now that he is what I want forever. He on the other hand has taken the stance “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me 3 times somebody shoot me, and if you think you can fool me for a 4th time…” I want nothing more than to work things out with him. I have never felt this about anyone before. He says everything I say I’ve said before. Every word I utter is a lie. He says I never loved him. He doesn’t understand how far from the truth this is. I messed up. I was ending a marriage and I was scared. I’ve never been on my own, I left everything that was secure and comfortable and threw myself out into the ocean to sink or swim. I have made a lot of changes in the past year and it was all spurred on my him and my desire to change my life to accommodate us. There were times I was racked with self doubt. There were times when I longed for a human touch so much that I would just curl and cry and wish for my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to do what I can to repair this. I’ve owned up to my faults, my lies, my deceit. I’ve told him over and over how much I love him. I know we can work though this, what we have together is really special. Right now he’s hurt and angry and he goes through ups and downs. Some days we’re ok, some days he’s very angry. Mostly he’s angry and hurt and I understand it. I know he loves me even when he says he hates me. I know he misses me. I need some advice please. I’m owning up to my responsibilities in this, but being across the country from him, I don’t know what to say. Actions speak louder than words, all I have are words and he doesn’t believe anything I say. I’m going to see him in a few weeks. He’s saying he’s not going to see me and that I’ll sit in a hotel in LA and cry because there’s no way he’ll see me. That’s the only thing I could think of to really show him I’m serious about us. To go to Los Angeles, alone, knowing he has no intentions of seeing me. What can I do to help repair this relationship?
Dear Jessica: My suggestion is that you get into therapy and explore why you continue to make these poor decisions that are hurting you and those you love. Give your boyfriend space while you get yourself healthier. Once you’ve done some work, then you can try again. The only chance is if your boyfriend actually SEES changes rather than hears about changes. My philosophy is “Changing me, changes we”. Work on you and it is your best bet to changing your relationship.
Good luck,
Lisa
I have been having an affair behind my husband’s back (or so I thought) for years. He recently told me he wants out. At first, I didn’t know why; he told me he’s tired of trying and that he never loved me. I’ve been an emotional and physical wreck ever since. I’ve tried several ways to get him to talk to me, and he will, but he won’t consider reconciliation. He does not want to go to counseling; he is adamant about divorce and won’t hear anything else. He listens to me as I talk, but he just wants me out. Later, he told me that he did, in fact, love me, but he’s not in love with me anymore. Turns out, he’s known all along about my affair, and has put up with it and my nasty attitude towards him for years. I know I am wrong. I know I am sorry. I know I love him and want our marriage to work.
I keep doing the wrong things, though. I could not function the day after he told me it was over for him. I had to leave work, I was crying all day, and I hadn’t eaten. I packed up my clothes, I tore up his pictures (which he found today along with an intact picture of my ex-lover), I went to my parent’s house and did not intend to return. But, I did. We have two children together, I love him, and I want my marriage. The next day, I looked up information about repairing relationships, and came up with this stupid list of what we had to do before we divorced (talk and trial separation). He humored me but still was unmoved. Rightfully, he doesn’t think I’m being honest with him, but most importantly myself. With everything in me, I want a chance to repair our relationship. He’s a great man and a great husband. Losing him would be devastating.
I finally fessed up, but not about everything yet and not in great detail. I do intend to let him know everything but I’m not sure how soon and how much at one time.
I thought I was being so smart and having everything I wanted but now I’m losing everything. I’ve broken it off completely with the person, and now my husband wants to break it off with me. I actually support his decision to be separated. I think he needs time away from me and what he sees when he looks at me. However, I just want him to consider staying together. I want him to know that I will not just say the words; I will do whatever I need to keep my husband. Please help.
Dear Liz: The damage of having an affair for years coupled with poor treatment is enormous. Under the best of circumstances the repair work would take years. Are you sure you will be able to handle that? I don’t know if this is salvageable–that will depend on your husband’s willingness to be open to the idea and your ability to show–day in and day out-that you’re sorry and that you can be trusted again. It’s a very long road back. I wish you had thought about the consequences before choosing to exit your marriage through an affair. If you are not given another chance in this relationship, I recommend you start exploring why you did what you did so you don’t repeat it in the next one. In the mean time, I would give him space, be honest in your words and actions to him and stay clear of your ex-lover even via e-mail. Tell your husband you are willing to get into therapy and meet with a professional with him as well and see if he’s open to the idea. Get into therapy regardless of his answer since this will show him you mean it.
I’m so sorry for all the pain your affair has caused both you and your husband.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Hi I found out about my husband’s affair 2 weeks ago. At first I felt like it came out of nowhere because our lives seemed to be going so great. We have struggled through so much including the loss of our first baby less than two years ago! Now we had just had our beautiful baby boy 7 months ago. Life seemed to finally be getting things in place. Financial troubles were behind us, I was on cloud 9. Then I began to get suspicious about text messages. Well finally on Easter I demanded to see the messages he was getting at 1:30 am and he refused. Then after arguing he confessed he’d began “just” kissing another woman “just” a month ago. As the week went by I found out it was not just the kissing and that their relationship had been going on for more than 5 years! He keeps saying it was “just” texting! I hate the word just now. It was texting almost 24/7! Thousands of messages every day! On our wedding day. While we were dealing with and working with the troubles to conceive. During the loss of my baby girl. During the birth of my son. During his baptism. During family reunions, bday parties, fun day, date nights, every day!!! When I asked him why he says it’s because she gave him the friend I was not. I can’t help but feel like I never got the chance! She’s been there since day 1, why would he even look to me for friendship? Did he? I want to save my marriage but I’m conflicted on how. I have a strong faith and want to be humble and on one hand say to myself, the Lord will repay all your tears and hurt, but I also have so much anger and so many questions. How can I just bottle this up and work harder on my marriage when I already gave it 5 great years that went unnoticed? Please help!
Dear MZL: In order to see if this marriage is savable I strongly suggest you and your husband seek professional help. The degree of his deception is huge and it will take several years to heal from that–and that’s if he’s truly remorseful and willing to explore his actions.
You have every right to feel angry and betrayed. I suggest you be clear with him about what you will need from him in order for you to be able to begin to trust him again. Also tell him you want both of you to get into therapy to work on the marriage and the affair. If he refuses, i wouldn’t trust him. True remorse is always accompanied by a willingness to do anything to heal the damage.
Be sure to have your own back and don’t settle for less than you need from him to repair this. Do not sit back and wait for the Lord to “repay all your tears and hurt” help the Lord to heal you by getting the help you both need.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half and during the first year he had another relationship and lied when I confronted him until the female admitted she was pregnant which was terminated. He says he had told me everything about the affairs and its over but I don’t believe he told me everything but that it’s over. Am I just dwelling on nothing. I want to move forward but I just can’t get over it fully. What steps do I need to take to get over it and repair our relationship.
Dear Kelli: It takes 3-5 years for couples to heal from an affair–and that is under the best of circumstances. I strongly suggest you both get professional help as a couple to work on this issue. It is not your place to just “get over it”, it is up to the both of you to work together to heal from it. Your partner should be willing to: talk to you about what happened, reassure you during all those times when you get triggered and are overcome with anger, mistrust and doubt and he should show genuine remorse with a wilingness to work through this rather than pressuring you to get over it. Anything short of this and you will not be able to move past it in any healthy way.
Affairs destroy trust. That trust does not return without significant changes and repair work being done on a daily basis. Stop thinking you just have to get over it and be clear he damaged the relationship and the trust. Subsequently you both need to work together if there’s any hope of saving your relationship. Do this with a trained professional.
Take Care-Lisa
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. From the very beginning, his ex girlfriend was never out of the picture. I have found inappropriate conversations and even pictures between them. And then later inappropriate conversations with two different girls. After each incident he was extremely remorseful and apologetic and seemed to always say the “right things”. Just recently, his ex girlfriend decided to send him something inappropriate. And once again he responded. I guess that was the tipping point because all trust has officially been lost and I think he realizes this. Again, he is remorseless and sorry and has since then told her they can no longer communicate. He has blocked her number, e-mail and even facebook. Every single day he reassures and apologizes. But I still can’t shake the distrust. It seems like a cycle. When we spoke about it he admitted that a lot of it could be the fact that he has only been in one serious relationship, with his ex girlfriend, in which she never deemed this behavior unacceptable. Am I chasing pavement here hoping that this time he will actually mature? What do I do? I have completely lost all thought of how else to figure anything else.
Thank you..
Dear Jessica: Trust your instincts. He’s done the same behavior again and again knowing it’s not okay with you. Listen to your gut. If you decide to stay in this relationship I strongly suggest getting professional help as a couple to address his behavior.
Warm regards-Lisa
I recently found out that my fiance belonged to an adult website that matches you with women to have “erotic chats”. Apparently this is something he did when he was single. 3 days before he proposed he looked up one of the women he used to chat with to rekindle the “fantasy”. Two months after that he started chatting with a second woman. After I found the emails I confronted him, he lied about one of the women, confessed to the other, downplayed everything as “innocent emailing” and swore it was all in the past and hadn’t done it in months. The emails are all dated several months ago. I kept digging, nothing added up. I found an email from the 2nd woman where she gave him her phone number, conveniently on a day when I was out of town on business. He now admits to both women, but swears he never called the one whose number he received. I called her, she said she “doesn’t remember him” but then again, as if I’d believe someone of her character. Our wedding is very soon, I’m in therapy, and I’m reeling from a complete lack of distrust. It is definitely more the lying to my face that kills me. My whole world is in a shambles. It’s a sick feeling.
Dear Anita: I would do some serious counseling WITH your fiance before you get married. You have a sick feeling because your gut is telling you to not just accept his brush off. Listen to your gut–it is your greatest relational asset! If he loves you, he would be more than willing to get into couples work to address this issue.
Take care-Lisa
My fiance and I have been together for around 3 years and have a child together. This have been pretty bad in our relationship for the past 5 months for a number of reasons, a big one was that he was really jealous and just not a very trusting person and tried to keep me from just going and hanging out with my friends (that are girls.)
However, now he really does have a reason to be mad at me because right before he went on a business trip for a couple of weeks we had a huge fight that involved him smashing my phone because I wanted to hang out with my sister. So right when he left, I decided to reply to an email an ex sent me a couple of weeks before that because I was feeling really alone and messed up about what had happened between me and my fiance. My ex and I began emailing back and forth for about a week and a half and the emails were very sexual, and at the end involved pictures. I ended it after I realized I wasn’t helping my current situation and I just knew it was wrong.
Keep in mind though that my fiance and I have had problems in every aspect of our relationship including intimacy issues. My fiance found out and is understandably angry with me and I am very sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have been talking to my ex about that stuff let alone at all. So I guess what i’m scared about is that my fiance was weird with me before I ever did anything wrong and now I feel like he’s going to treat me horribly to get back at me and never let me do anything because I barely did anything (as in go out) before. Do I have to live like a hermit to make this relationship work? Is he allowed to look through all of my personal information and tell me I can’t go out because of what I have done?
Dear Erin: No, your fiance does not have the right to control your every move–and nor did he ever have this right. Right now, however, you have a lot of repairing to do. You have to earn his trust. Typically I advise couples to open their e-mail and cell phones up to their partner following an affair or the like. This is for a specified amount of time and not forever. It’s one way to show your partner that you have nothing to hide. Regarding going out with friends, Be clear about where you’re going and the approximate time you’ll be home. Do not stay home because of his jealousy–that will just fuel his control even more. Do not allow his jealousy to keep you trapped. What you should’ve done before was be clear his jealousy wasn’t okay. In essence, when you have someone who is highly jealous, you need to set limits on his jealousy and make sure you’re not doing anything that would make anyone jealous.
I’m imagining that you both may need professional help to walk you through this due to his jealousy in the first place and your recent actions.
Good luck-Lisa
How do I show him and help him let go? I am fulfilling all these things you’ve described and my husband continues to open websites like this and leave them on my desktop. Continues to be justified to scoff, roll his eyes and be painfully rude.
I had an emotional affair and I lied for a long time. I have come clean. I show remorse over and over. I am the wife he’s described he wants.
Each time he is ‘triggered’, is he then justified to treat me like the pile of dirt, that I have been, even if I am not now?
What more can I do?
DEAR Jennifer: No he does not have the right to treat you like dirt. He has the right to be upset, to talk about how difficult it has been and to ask you to be trustworthy. He does NOT have the right to treat you poorly, be disrespectful or treat you like dirt. Be clear with him that you’re willing to repair the mistrust and show him you want to be with him AND you are not willing to allow him to punish you forever. Let him know that if he can’t forgive you and stop punishing you than this is not going to work.
Be remorseful, be trustworthy and stand up for yourself at the same time.
Take Care-Lisa
My husband of 5 yrs. had an affair with a co-worker…the worst part is that we all worked together. What started out as an emotional affair spiraled into way more. Though suspicious, I believed everything he told me until they began to get careless. The affair went on for a year right under my nose. It has since ended and all ties with the woman have been broken. They no longer work in the same place together. I am devastated by this to say the least. It was so easy for him to lie and manipulate everything to his advantage. What I believed to be real and true in our marriage during this affair was all lies. I do not know how to begin to rebuild trust. I question everything he says or does…I question whether his intentions are genuine or his actions true. It has been almost seven months and I feel like I am going crazy. I love him and really want this to work but I just don’t know if I can get past it.
Dear Ann: I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. i know it can be a very painful journey. My suggestion is that you read the book “Not Just Friends”. It often takes anywhere between 2-3 years to recover from an affair. I also recommend getting professional help as a couple to help you both work through these issues. Some people can’t get past the affair and some people can. Your husband’s response to it is also vital in that process. If he’s remorseful and accountable there is a better chance of healing. If he doesn’t want to talk about it and just want to move past it, it won’t work.
Hang in there and be honest with him.
Take care-Lisa
‘The killer about affairs is not so much the act of sex, per se, as much as it is the lies, deceit, and crazy-making denials that occur prior to and throughout the entire affair.’
I couldn’t agree more. I have known couples to overcome this though and become even stronger than before.
Thanks,
James
I’ve been married to my wife for 3yrs. Recently I came home from work, took a shower and checked my emails and she told me she doesn’t want to be with me and she doesn’t love me. We have 2 kids together and our marriage was good but could always be better.. So I moved out and went to my parents. Two days later she has a guy in her life to find out she’s been talking to him 4 a few weeks.. So she keeps the kids away from me puts me in jail and even lied and said I tried to Hurt her…well I took her back after 2 months of being split up and now I find out they had sex.. I am trying to trust her but she keeps telling me just enough 2 get by. We are grown, you just don’t have sex once.. So now we are together trying to work stuff out and yesterday I got her a new cell phone. I checked it the next day and there is a random number on there so I ask her. She said it was the wrong number. I said how when u txt it and not once but three times. Finally she comes clean it was him.. She said she owed him some money and wanted to tell him she would have it in a few weeks.. So the other night he calls the house and asks 4 her and I tell her 2 call him back and tell him u don’t want anything to do with him. She said she don’t wanna talk to him… Now it’s like the last few weeks our sex life has been going down the drain. She never feels good or something. She told me that’s all I care about is sex. I mean yes I love sex and would love to have it 2 times a day but I know that would never happen.. So what would u do in this situation…she says she loves me and she will never do it again but she said that all b4.
Dear Richard: It sounds like our wife is unhappy in your marriage but may be afraid to tell you. I would ask her to get into couples therapy with you to openly discuss what’s going on between the two of you. It will be hard to trust her given the number of lies and it seems like she’s not comfortable talking to you. Make sure you are safe for her to talk to and get help. Check yourself to see if there’s any truth in what she says. Are you violent–in words or actions? Do you pressure her for sex? Are you loving even when you don’t want sex? Look at your part and hold her accountable for hers.
Take Care-Lisa
Hi
How do you work at rebuilding trust in a relationship when your partner (who you are trying to trust again) wants to be friends with the woman he had an affair with? The only thing I seem to have is his ‘word’ which I had the1st time, what makes it different? They play together in a band every few weeks & that means nites out of town. I feel that he is showing no respect towards my feelings after the loyalty I feel I have given him by even trying to rebuild this relationship. How do I deal with this???
Bev
Dear Beverly: You deal with this by trusting your gut. It feels like he’s not being respectful because…he’s NOT being respectful. I suggest you tell him that in order for you to work on this relationship he needs to agree to get professional help with you so you both can work on this as a couple. If he refuses, the odds are very high he will continue with this affair or start another one. The idea that he could continue to travel with this women out of town is a crazy idea.
Trust your instincts and stop trying to believe his words and listen to his actions. Don’t try to figure out what he’s willing to do. Instead, figure out what you need from him in order to trust him and feel good about the relationship. Be clear with him about what you need and then see if he will give it.
Warm regards-Lisa
I have been married for 4 months.This is the second marriage for both of us, and we are both in our early 50s. We lived together for a year before the marriage, so we knew each other pretty well. Our wedding was like a fairytale, our relationship was great,we were so much in love, got on so well and had a great sex life. I found out last week that he’s been having sex with prostitutes. I almost caught him a month before when he wasn’t there and I answered his phone. The caller hung up, but the name on his phone said ‘Ang’ – I thought it was the lady who clipped our dog Angus and that he’d put her name in there as Ang, so I called back thinking that she might be canceling this weeks appointment. It turned out to be Angela, from a massage parlour, who offered a lot more than massage. When I confronted him, he said he had a sore shoulder, and was looking for somewhere to get a massage, and didn’t realize it was that sort of place – even though there was 3 call to her and 2 from her.I spent the next few days like an idiot, looking for a good physio for his sore shoulder, but he kept canceling the appointment, but I believed him – probably because I really wanted to. Still there was a nagging doubt in the back of my head, and a couple of other incidents didn’t seem right, so last week I looked in his phone, and found a new bunch of girls’ names. I rang those numbers, and they didn’t even pretend to be massage parlours – they were definitely brothels. When I confronted him, he admitted having sex with prostitutes, and told me he’d never done it before and that the first time was 2 months after we got married then the time I got the phone call from Ang, and he was planning another visit when I found out last week. He told me he didn’t know why he did it – it had nothing to do with me or anything he couldn’t get at home – he said he just couldn’t help himself.He’s unbelievably sorry, and has promised to never do it again, but I don’t understand how he can promise to not to do it again when he says he can’t help himself, and he made the most sacred promise of all when we said our wedding vows only to break that promise 8 weeks later.
Dear Liz: I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your husband is struggling with a possible sex addiction. If this is the case he will need to get professional help and anything less will not work–no matter what he says. My advice to you is to be clear that the only way you will consider working this relationship is if he gets professional help with a sex addiction specialist. Do not go to just a regular therapist.
If it’s confirmed that he has a sex addiction, then I recommend you go to COSA meetings (for partners of sex addicts) to help educate you on this addiction and what you as a partner should and should not do.
Do not just wait and hope he doesn’t repeat his actions. Get help.
Take care of yourself through this-Lisa
Dear Paul,
I am going through the same thing. I just found out that my husband of 4 yrs have been talking to this girl on Skype for quite some time. I am still in shock. I never imagined that he will do this to me and the family. We have been together for 10yrs and married for 4yrs and have two kids. I cry everyday since I found out. I still don’t know what to do and how to trust him again. He promised that this will never happen again but I don’t know if I can trust him ever again. The pain is so deep that I am suffering from this day and night and can’t concentrate on doing anything. I found this website and glad that finally, I have found people that I can talk to and relate to. Plesae tell me how I can get through this.
I have been married to my wife for 11 years now, but 5 years after our marriage and a year after our first child was born, she started having an affair with a work colleague. I caught her texting him saying “I really love you and cant wait to be with you again…” I questioned her at the time and she admitted liking him a lot (but not loving him like it said in the text), she told me they only kissed on the cheeks! and met up at work only.
After a few weeks of arguments and to try and get the whole truth out of her, she kept denying anything else happened and promised me nothing will happen. I was stupid enough to believe her as she was such a good liar.
I always had an instinct that she must have done more than kiss. 5 Years later I had a nightmare with her seeing this guy I have never seen, she came to hug me in bed and I pushed her away, I woke up and repeatedly told her “it was more than a kiss wasn’t it?”, for a good half hour she kept denying it, but then finally admitted she slept with him but just that once and the affair only lasted 3 months.
I was in shock! Someone I loved and cherished throughout my marriage and even another 4 years before our marriage could betray me like this and especially after giving birth to our child!
A week later after I kept pressuring her to tell me everything, she finally did. The affair lasted 5 years, even though she had left that workplace they both kept seeing each other at his house, my house, work toilets, car and hotels!
It felt like another knife stabbing my chest for the 3rd time!
She has promised that she will never do this again, she is extremely apologetic and wants our marriage to work for the sake of our child.
I want it to work too for our child but not sure if I can trust her ever again after this sin she has committed. I really don”t know what to do now!
Dear Paul: I’m so sorry about all the pain you’re going through. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. It will take a long time to trust your wife again–as it should. How long it takes will depend on how trustworthy your wife acts. I would refuse to get back into this relationship without professional help. you have to have a safe place to explore what happened and to learn how to handle the fallout and damage that has been caused by the affair and on-going lies. Tell your wife the only way you’ll consider reconciling is if you both get professional help on your relationship. Make sure you see someone who specializes with couples.
Hang in there and I hope things work out.
Take care-Lisa
get into couples treatment; if he’s not, he’ll likely refuse.
My partner of 12 yrs had an affair with the woman in his band,Ifound out through her supposedly ex-partner, this was “allegedly” between Christmas & into the New Year where her partner intercepted a text to her from my partner. They did a duo gig together out of town on new Years, I had expressed my concerns & had bad feeling about the relationship between the 2 of them for months (my gut feeling!) only yo be assured everything was OK, our relationship was great, our sex life was great don’t worry. I gave up Christmas with my family (probably my father’s last) for him as it was his 50th birthday Christmas day, took him away by ourselves made it all about him just as he wanted, he said it was the best birthday he ever had & how much he loved me & doing it for him. 2 days later he is kissing this other woman (while supposedly rehearsing for the New Years Eve gig) they then continued it on the night & after, it was discovered that week. I had asked my partner if anything happened to which he repeatedly said ‘NO’ don’t worry, I love you & our relationship. How do you move on when 4 mths later you discover your gut feeling was right, you believe what he says & convince yourself you were being paranoid??? This affair is supposedly over but they are still in constant contact due to the band. How do I cope with this other woman still in the picture & know it won’t happen again & ever trust my own instincts???
Dear Bev: You don’t know it won’t happen again–especially when he sees her every day. You need to learn to trust your gut and listen to his actions NOT words. I recommend you read the book “Not Just Friends” as well as get some professional help for you both as a couple. Affairs are very tough on couples and take anywhere form 3-5 years to recover from. The healing is a process and only works when both parties are fully committed to making it work.
I’m so sorry you have been impacted by this affair. Get clear about what you need from your partner to heal and speak that directly. Listen to your gut and his actions and be clear with him about what you need for him to do in order to earn your trust back. Right now you should not trust him. Trust will grow in time–if he’s behaving trustworthy.
Warm regards-Lisa
My name is Alissa. I’m a newly wed and am unable to live in the same state as my husband for another 6 months because of school and finances. We have been dating for over a year and when we first started dating everything was great. Later I found out that he still liked his last girlfriend and would try to get back with her. He then lied about having conversations with her in the middle of the night. The only reason he’s not with her now is that she didn’t take him back. We’ve moved on from that… but there are many similar trust situations that I have found out he was lying about. We’ve had problems our whole relationship and when I left for school he started watching porn almost daily and would constantly lie about it. When I came home for break we got married and the next day I found his porn collection. For the next 5 days I continuously found more as he would try and assure me that that was the last one. He says he’s done and I’m in a position where I can’t find out if there’s anymore. He started this addiction knowing that it was something we were both strongly against. Now he openly admits all the things in the world that he would do or take over me even if they aren’t necessarily bad. I feel worthless and trustless. To top it off he would constantly compare me to all these other people around me and I have lost all confidence in myself.
Dear Alissa: You’re allowing his actions to harm your self-esteem. What he’s doing has nothing to do with you. he would do this no matter who he’s with–it’s not about you. You taking it however, is about you. Just because he says he’s stopped, as you’ve found out, doesn’t mean he has. You would be crazy to trust him so don’t feel bad that you don’t. It sounds like he has an addiction. Addicts lie. I would tell him you want him to see a sex addiction therapist and be evaluated for sex addiction. Let him know you also want permission to speak to his therapist regarding the findings (not the details of what he shares). I also suggest you get into co-slaw or COSA groups which are groups for partners of sex addicts so you can learn more about what you need to do. Do not play around with this or you will have much more pain ahead. (Note: there are also on-line COSA groups).
Don’t allow his abuse and poor treatment to chip away at you. Work your self-esteem and know that you deserve to be treated well. Don’t settle for less.
Warm regards-Lisa
This is a good blog post, I was wondering if I could use this posting on my website, I will link it back to your website though. If this is a problem please let me know and I will take it down right away.
Dear Gucci Shoes: Absolutely you can use this post and link it back to my site. I’m honored you like it.
Take care-Lisa
I don’t know what to do!!! I just found out yesterday that my husband from 3 years had an affair 5 months ago!!! That is only the first part, the other woman might be pregnant with his child. We will not know until the child is born in about 4 months. I want you to understand that we’ve been together for 7 years and we were the too-good-to-be-true couple. He loved everything I did and I loved everything he did. This has devastated me! I can tell you that I truly LOVE him still and I think I want this to work out but the lies and the deceit is killing me and of course the fact that the lady might be pregnant is just the cherry on top. He actually woke up super early in the morning and headed to her apartment where the affair happened. He said it only happened twice and he stopped seeing her until she came by his job to tell him about the pregnancy. I have cried so much I don’t even look like myself. He said he was remorseful, he cried and he admitted that he had a problem with internet pornography and the internet was where he met her. I don’t know what to do. I am devastated but I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him we can get through it, but I want to be mad at this and I am definitely very hurt. Is like I stepped into another person’s life. I never thought this could happen to me, EVER!
Dear Erika: I’m so sorry to hear your husband cheated. I can’t imagine how painful that must be. If you want to work on the marriage I strongly suggest you both get into therapy. He will need to do some work around the pornography and you both have to do work to heal from the betrayal. I recommend you look for someone who has a lot of knowledge around sex addiction so they can do an accurate assessment of his porn use. You can go to http://www.themeadows.org and contact them for therapists in your area trained in sex addiction.
Warm regards-Lisa
My boyfriend of 11 yrs. has been having many online hook ups, saying many things, to many women. When he started acting weird, I checked his phone and saw many different numbers that I didn’t know of women he was talking to on his way to work and coming home from work. Well, after breaking in his emails, I found that for many years, ( maybe even as many as I’ve known him) he’s been profiled so many sites, being a real sleeze ball! to many women. I even found out he tried to “hook up” on his birthday, when I was with family because of a death. I’m hurt, and I just can’t get over the anger and I’m constantly spying, or looking for another way he’s lying to me. I simply don’t believe a word he tells me and I’m very angry. He wants to work at our relationship, but I just don’t know if I can trust again. He still hides his phone, and he changed his email passwords because he doesn’t want to get “babysitted” or spied on, I think he should just give them to me. He’s destroyed me..I feel like I’m not the same person, or if I will ever be. When does it go away, when can I move on no matter what I decide to do?
DEAR LORY: I’m so sorry you are going through this, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to find all that information out. Your boyfriend’s actions tell me that he still cannot be trusted. If he was truly remorseful he would be willing to do anything to gain your trust–NOT changing his passcodes so you can’t “babysit” him. The only chance of this working is if you both get into counseling with someone who is not going to play games and is going to be very directive about addressing his actions. There are a lot of red flags about his behavior that warrants professional help. Your mistrust will not go away until he acts trustworthy–on an on-going basis.
Don’t listen to his words–pay attention to his actions.
Warm regards-Lisa
Hello,
I’m having a difficult time trusting my husband after he had an emotional affair. I found out about it at the end of January after being suspicious since October. Something just felt “off” in the relationship, but when I would bring it up with my husband, he would chalk it up to distance. We live in separate states because of the economy — he wasn’t able to get a transfer with his job as quickly as he thought he would. We have been living apart for almost a year now. Anyways, while I was visiting one weekend I saw a text message come in from a female friend of his that didn’t seem appropriate. I confronted him about it and he accused me of being untrustworthy. I still suspected an inappropriate relationship about a month later, so while my husband was sleeping, I took his phone and looked at his emails/texts and found many conversations between the two of them that went way beyond the boundaries of normal conversation. I confronted him and he admitted that he had been carrying on a relationship even though he had been denying it for months. It’s almost two months later and we both want the marriage to work (we should be living in the same place very soon) and he has broken off contact with the other woman. My problem is that I still get paranoid that he’s seeing her or talking to her.
Anytime I hear a text message coming in on his phone, I get a sick feeling thinking that it’s her. Does it make me untrustworthy that I’m looking at his bank account or wanting to check his text messages? On one hand I feel that it’s going too far to ask him to show me that kind of stuff or to have him check in whenever he goes somewhere. On the other hand, he’s the one that broke the trust, so like it or not, he’s going to have to do that stuff for a while. It wouldn’t bother me if he did that because I have nothing to hide. There are days when I have complete faith in him that he’s doing everything right, and then other days when I drive myself crazy looking at his facebook page or account activity. Is this just how it’s going to be for a while? How can I move beyond “stalking” my husband?
DEAR JENNIFER: I’m so sorry you’re relationship has been hit by an affair. Unfortunately much of what you’re talking about is absolutely normal and the natural fall out of affairs. You’re not trusting your husband because he wasn’t acting trust worthy. It takes a long time to earn back that trust–and that’s with doing everything right. I typically ask the person to have their e-mail, cell phone and schedule be an open book for a period of time in an effort to earn trust back. I would ask your husband to grant you this for now. This is very new and your mistrust is exactly where you should be. If your husband has nothing to hide, this should not be a problem. if he disagrees, I recommend you both get into counseling. Too often the offending partner thinks as soon as they stop seeing the other person, everything should be fine. This is not the case–and nor should it be. I recommend you both read the book “Not Just Friends”. it’s a great book about affairs and will give you a better understanding of all the emotions you are going through.
Hang in there and know this is a process of healing.
Lisa
Lisa –
I have been in a relationship for almost 1 year now and my relationship has hit a break. My girlfriend and I started dating in college and she cheated on me with someone over the first weekend we were together and I made it clear to her that I was upset and she swore she would never do it again. It turned out that she did it again the following weekend when I was away with the same kid. I had to find out from a friend and not her. I forgave her and she swore again she would never do it again. Two months down the road she went to a sporting even with her bf from high school of 5 years and ended up in a hotel room with him that night and cheated yet again. She denied it the first time but when she was drinking one night I was able to get it out of her. Months down the road we continued our relationship and we were stronger than ever, but she cheated again in November when I was home and working. She said she was drunk and had no control of her actions and was really sorry. I forgave her yet again and she swore she was going to be more mature and stop “blacking out.” Now she lives in CA for an internship and I recently found out that she was with three guys out there but she claims they made a move on her and she was in a situation outside of her control. The problem I am having is my lack of trust, and disbelief that “nothing happened” with those three guys. Is this a feeling because of the previous times I was hurt or is she just not trustworthy? Is there a way to gain trust again and be together without any problems?
DEAR HERBIE: It sounds to me like your girlfriend is not trustworthy. It also sounds like she may have a drinking problem. She has had multiple affairs, blackouts and has promised to stop cheating numerous times only to end up cheating again. You don’t trust her because she’s not acting trustworthy.
In relationships, you should always listen to a person’s actions much more closely than their words. Actions seldom lie. There are several red flags with your girlfriend that point to her needing to get into therapy to figure out what’s going on that’s driving her promiscuity and drinking. My suggestion is that you tell her you want to get into couples work with her or you end the relationship. these issues will not be able to be fixed without professional help.
Take care-Lisa
lisa, I repeatedly cheated on my g/f of almost 8 years,I make a lot of uninformed,un thought, decisions which led to further actions on both parts, I have since reformed my thoughts and desires and changed. I no longer cheat or wish or think of cheating because of my understanding of my bad judgements and choices. I have been faithful for over a year and even responded to her request for space and moved out and it seemed to make it worse. I never meant to hurt her and cause the pain I now understand what I did we still love each other and we’re trying. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks– help with trust is greatly needed
DEAR BRYAN: I apologize for the delay in response, I over looked this comment. My best advice is to get into couples treatment with a top notch professional who can help you find your way back to each other. It’s very difficult to recover from an affair–recovering from multiple affairs is even harder–especially without help.
On your part, if you want your partner to trust you, you need to earn it. Trust is earned not just by not cheating but by being honest with everything across the board. If you say you’ll call–call. If you say you’ll be home by 6–be home by 5:55. If you say you’re going to the movies–be at that movie. Listen to your partner’s feelings, don’t defend yourself and ask her what she needs to trust you again.
This is just the beginning. Recovering from affairs takes 3-5 years so be willing to be in this for the long haul.
Good luck–and get help for you all as a couple!
Lisa
My husband cheated on me just before our wedding while deployed. He refused to tell me, but I knew something was wrong. I chose to give a second chance, but I find myself questioning everything! If he’s 20 minutes late or if he has to work late, I automatically picture him with another girl. How can I get past this from the opposite side. Even though he tries to reassure me, I’m still having a hard time believing anything he says. He tends to tell small lies a lot and I don’t even know when he’s telling the truth anymore. I want so badly to believe him. How can I personally learn to put the past aside and really trust him??
DEAR ANGELA: I’m sorry it has been so difficult. You stated that your husband continues to tell small lies and later asked how you can learn to put the past aside. His lies are not in the past–they are continuing in the present. As long as he continues to lie (no matter how “small”) you should not be trusting him. Get professional help with someone who is strong enough to hold your husband accountable for his ongoing lies. Be clear with your husband that his lies are making it impossible to trust him. Don’t feel guilty for not trusting him; feel bad about not trusting your gut and start trusting it.
Take care-Lisa
My wife cheated on me and I found out about it last year August. She was having an online affair through the internet chat rooms,telephone calls and video conversations for +/- 6 months(they were not only chatting).Before I found out about the affair she moved out of the house.
In October we started over and things are really going bad. I feel that I made a mistake taking her back as she is not even making an effort. I had to beg her to come back.
When ever I tell her how I feel she just wants to get out of the marriage and blaims me for her actions .She is a cold and loveless person and I really am suffering staying strong after she had the affair. I am so lonely and down!!
I cant go on like this please help.I am 28 and we have no kids luckily. I cant imagine starting a family and bringing children up in a cold loveless home. And yes my clock is ticking.What do I do?
DEAR CHRISTO: If she is not remorseful, blames you for her actions and you had to beg her to come back–rethink your decision. Ask her to go into therapy with you and if she refuses I would seriously reconsider your decision to get back with her. You deserve to be treated well. Don’t settle or it will chip away from you and your life.
Take Care-Lisa
I found out that my wife was seeing a coworker and spending hours at night chatting on the computer. This is the third such incident in our 20 year relationship. She says she only met him once and kissed him twice but she lies to avoid the conflict. I believe it was much worse then this. Because this is the third incident in our marriage I am really struggling to take steps forward. This one hurt terrible as I was able to read several chat transcripts between her and this man. I feel I have a hole in my chest that cant be fixed. I found out a little over a month ago but some days it feels like today. My wife has appoligized for it and takes full responsibility but wants to move on. She gets angry with me if I have a bad day and express my concern and how I feel. We have had some good days but they are usually followed with a bad day. To make things worse, this man works with my wife and has to speak with her in person and on email. This is killing me!!! She has the ability to switch job locations but does not like for me to even discuss it since she has such a good working relationship with everyone there.
She will put herself in my shoes briefly but then quickly goes back to wanting this to be over and move on. We have seen a marriage counselor twice since this incident but many other times in the past. I worry now about my future and the future of my four kids. Each time she has said she will never do it again and each time I have said this is the last time. This would be so much easier if she would just consider what I’m thinking and not take offense to it. I don’t think this can last much longer.Please Dear God give me some answers
DEAR TOMMY: It sounds like your wife is not fully taking responsibility for her actions nor allowing you to have your feelings about it. As long as she tells you to hurry up and get over it, she’s minimizing her actions. One month is like an hour in terms of being unfaithful–and that’s if it’s the first time–not the THIRD time. I suggest you be clear with your wife that you’re not just going to move on from this. Let her know that it has really rocked the foundation of this marriage and you truly do not know if you can get passed it. Also be clear that her need to hurry you along is not helping the situation. As long as she only accepts responsibility in bits and pieces, you should not trust that this won’t happen again. You will need to decide what you need from her to be able to heal and let her know that. You then need to decide what you will do if she chooses to not give you what you ask for.
I’m very sorry your wife has betrayed you again. She may have a lot of personal work to do before she can be trustworthy–to anyone. If she doesn’t do that work, what will you do? Remember that you deserve to be treated well and to have a faithful partner. Don’t settle for less or you’ll teach your children to do the same.
Take care-Lisa
I have been married to my husband for 13 years (together for a total of 22 years, since high school)and have the two most amazing boys in the world. About 10 months ago, I caught my husband cheating. I had at that point been suspecting something for months. We were fighting a lot and he changed incredibly. So on March 3, he was not answering his cell phone after he told me he would be late because he locked his keys in the car…he was waiting for a locksmith. I kept trying and trying to reach him on his cell to find out what happened. And he wouldn’t answer. So I became incredibly suspicious and starting hitting re-dial continuosly on my phone. The phone FINALLY picked up, but he wasn’t answering me. I noticed that the phone accidentally got answered…(I guess it was in his pocket or something). I was calling out to him until I started hearing his voice and a woman’s voice having sex, I was devastated. I began screaming and the phone went dead. He finally called me back and denied everything. To make a long story short, I threw him out. He finally admitted infidelity, but told me it was ONLY oral sex and it happened ONLY once. (Yeah, right…still hasn’t admitted to anything more…which really pisses me off because he thinks I am stupid). Anyway, I was ready to end everything but our immediate family convinced me that we all make mistakes. So, we decided to try. Since then, the road has been very bumpy to say the least. . My emotions are running rampid. At first I was sad and depressed…didn’t want him touching me because I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. Then I became angry, couldn’t even stand the sight of him. Now I am at the point where I do not trust him at all. As a matter of fact, just recently (3 weeks or so), my gut is telling me he is still having an affair. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to trust him again. It almost seems impossible. He has a job that doesn’t have set hours and he is on the road a lot. I don’t believe anything he says to me. I was NEVER an insecure person before this happened. I NEVER questioned him before. Now I feel like he belongs on a tight leash. He doesn’t like the change in me and is beginning to tell me he is getting tired of the way we are living. I don’t want to be this miserable either. I can’t get past this trust issue. Can you offer me some advice? I feel like my world is crumbling around me. My husband keeps saying, “well we need to move on..it happened a year ago” but I told him that I would love to see him “move on” had he gone through what I did. We would have been divorced by now if I cheated on him. Anyway…I could go on & on but I really do need some advice. HELP!!!
DEAR MON: I’m so sorry for your situation. it sounds incredibly painful. As I’m reading your story it seems to me that the one thing that is missing your husband’s remorse. I don’t hear that he was truly sorry for what he did and nor do I hear that he is willing to do anything to gain your trust back. Without these two ingredients, you will never be able to trust him and nor should you. I also wonder if your gut is telling you something that you need to hear.
I understand that he wants to move on, however, moving on happens when there is accountability, true remorse and countless moves to repair. Moving on does not just happen because time passes. My recommendation is that you stop making decisions based on what your family wants and you start making decisions based on what’s best for you and your family. I suggest you tell your husband that you both need to get professional help in order to fix the damage that has been done. If he refuses, this is another sign that he’s not willing to be accountable.
If this is the case, get professional help for yourself and get yourself strong enough to be able to make it with out him should you need to.
Take care-Lisa
Dear Lisa.
I have been together with my partner for 6 years and married for 1.5 years. We have a wonderful four-year old daughter. I was feeling that he didn’t show me enough attention/emotion etc. for a while and doubted his love for me. I stupidly had a 2 month affair which has devastated him – his trust,pride, self-esteem have all been ruined.
He is asking me to move out so we can both have some space. I am going to do that but am so confused because he seems to change his mind about our next steps and whether our marriage can be saved. He taunts me by saying he can move on again quickly etc. and that I have lost him. But at first he said he still loved me and we would work this out.
I also have hidden some debts from him that we both shared for fear of frightening him – under 8000 but still very serious. I am working to sort these out. I am also trying to find full time work after being a mother for 4 years full-time.
I am just so confused because how much space and time do I give him? I have repeatedly told him I am sorry and mean it, and want to do all I can to make this work. Can you advise me? Should I let him have more time to work things out for himself? He doesn’t want to seek counseling.
Best
R
DEAR RACHEL: I would give him space by not begging him to stay with you or forgive you or (fill in the blank). Do not pressure him about the relationship. Do however let him know you love him, you’re sorry and you do want to try to work things out should he choose to. I would periodically call him (every 3-7 days) just to say hi and let him know you’re thinking about him. I would also show him with your actions that you’re willing to do anything to help him trust you again. I would then get into individual therapy to look at why you had the affair rather than dealing with the issues in your marriage directly. Let him know you’re doing this since it shows how committed you are to change.
Beyond this, be loving, kind and centered with him. Don’t accept his taunting. It’s degrading, disrespectful and cold. If this relationship has a chance it will only happen if you deal with issues directly. You can feel remorse for what you did, however, you can not take poor treatment as a result.
Good Luck-Lisa
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for well over 5 years now, things were going fine until she met a cable guy that asked for her number. He was interested in one thing and she told me all about it but yet she kept talking to him. Her first excuse was that she wanted a guy friend and later when I told her I was not comfortable about it she stopped talking to him. They stopped talking for a few months and about 2 weeks ago she started having dirty texting back and forth with him and just last week she went over there to his place while I was at home and slept with him. I found out 2 days later while going through her phone. When i confronted her about it she broke down and cried. She never cried so much and told me she doesn’t know why she did it. She is showing alot of remorse and talks about killing herself cause she can’t believe she did what she did to me. She cant bare looking at me knowing that I’m hurting. We talked about why we think it happened and a couple of reasons came up. One was I was her first boyfriend and only person she’s ever had sex with. She never knew how it was with anyone else. But now that she has had it with someone else that person gave her better sex than I ever did and she admitted that to me. And she doesn’t know if she can live with herself and be with me knowing that. I want to give her a second chance. She wants a second chance but she thinks it’s too soon to jump right back in it and feels as though she needs to find herself, she is looking for a therapist. When I lay there and look at her I cant help but see this guy all over my girl and how they did the things they did. The innocent girl I had is no longer there. that and the fact that I know I cant compare to what he did with her makes me feel so little. I don’t know what to do. I believe in second chances and she tells me she knows she wants to marry me and that it was a fling and she regrets it with her life. I know she was young when we hooked up and I’m sure all girls wonder as the same goes for guys. but I don’t know how to make this work but I know I want to make it work. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. please help me.
DEAR JOHNNY: I’m sorry to hear all the pain you’re going through. I hear your struggle at wanting to make this work however, I can’t help but hearing numerous red flags. I agree with our girlfriend that she needs space to figure things out. Her decision to find a therapist is a good one. You both may need to get into therapy if you decide to give it a second chance as well.
The sex question is not as big as it may feel. There are many ways to improve your sex life and it begins with talking about what’s working and what’s not working. There are workshops for couples to help in this area as well as books. First and foremost, however, is your relationship as a whole. Give your girlfriend some time and space and see what happens. If may also be a good idea for you to get into therapy to help work through all the feelings that come along with betrayals.
Take care-Lisa
Hi: My husband had an affair 4 years ago. I had 4 very small children at the time and live 7 hours from any family. We moved to a small town where he took a position at a hospital. When we moved here we had a 3 year old and a 10 month old at which time I found out that we were pregnant with twins. When the twins were 3 my husband told me that he was seeing someone and that he has never felt this way about someone and that I was someone that he settled for. He said that I changed when the twins arrived. And that I wasn’t the same. Yes, I did change I have 4 children 4 and under and was nursing the little ones with my one year old needing a great deal of assistance. I did love my husband very much and with 4 children didn’t want them to go through a divorce. I worked for 7 months with a Christian therapist and tried repeatedly to work our relationship out. He went with a couple of visits and we found out that he lied to her also. She felt that we should get legally seperated. She told me that he won’t be honest with me and if that is what I was looking for it would be a long hard road. Four different times he said that he had not had any communication with her and each time I found out that he was indeed meeting her and seeing her. She is a nurse at the hospital. She also is married and wants out of her marriage. My father died on the seventh month and we traveled back for his funeral. After being back in this town for 1 hour he gave an excuse and left for the hospital. At which time a nurse on the floor called and told me that if I wanted to catch my husband in an affair to come up there right now. I did and found them together. For two years after that this women followed me throughout the town. She would show up at the grocery store when I was there, at target and at the Y when I worked out. She also had her husband call and harrase me telling me that I had better leave his wife alone. 1 and 1/2 years ago I intercepted a message left on my husband private phone in his office. It said, ” Hi, it’s me, call me back” when I brought this to his attention he said that he hasn’t talked to her and that I need to forget about all these things that have happened and move on. Now, I have seen her at the Y and she makes a point to walk infont of me on the eliptical and take the eliptical right next to me. It is as if to say, “You are not done with me yet”. I have also been told by nurses on that floor that she has stated that she is waiting for him to leave me and he will leave me. Now, we are fighting because he said that I should trust him. But I have found other things that involve his family that he hasn’t been totally truthful about. I don’t trust him and I don’t forgive him for what he did 4 times over and over. Please tell me, should I just trust him again and forgive him for anything that he has done or should that red flag be put up and say that there is something going on? He gets very angry with me and had in the last 4 years grabbed me, pushed me and tried to hit me. What should I do. I can’t forget the things that he said but I need him to be forthright and honest with all aspects of his life or else there will be no hope.
LISA’S REPLY: Has his behavior changed? Is he remorseful and genuinely sorry for what he put you through? Has he stopped ALL violence–verbal & physical? If the answer is no to any of these questions then YES there are red flags and I strongly recommend you pay attention to them before they knock you over. My suggestion is that you get into counseling to work on your issues of self esteem and why you’ve decided it’s okay for you to settle for less than cherishing behaviors.
You deserve to be treated well by all people at ALL times!
Warm regards-Lisa
Hi, I am struggling with what to do next (if anything). I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. We finally got married last year, and are now in the process of divorce. I cheated on him 6 months into the marriage. This was very, very wrong. Through a lot of counseling, I have finally come to terms with the fact that my husband was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me throughout our relationship. I used to just think he was mean, even cruel at times, but I have recognized that it was more than that. My spirit had been broken and I was suffering. Despite everything, I still love him very much. I know that what I did to him was horrible — it doesn’t matter how badly he treated me. There is no excuse, it was a choice, a very selfish choice I made when I had the affair — Something I will regret and struggle with for the rest of my life.
It has been 5 months since we split up, and he has started divorce proceedings. I have pleaded with him to please talk to me, to try and get counseling first, but he said that he can’t even begin to think about communicating with me, much less forgiving me or healing for a very, very long time. Do I leave him alone? Give him more time? He is still very, very angry, and I am scared for him. I love him. My question is:
Forgetting for a moment that he wants nothing to do with me…. if he did decide to work on things with me, is it a naive idea to go back into an abusive relationship in the hopes that he can change (given the fact that I will do my absolute hardest to make sure I understand why I did what I did to make sure it never happens again). Or do I move on/ let him move on?
DEAR KATHERINE: I’m glad to hear that you realize the affair was a wrong way out of a bad situtation. The last thing you should do is go back into a bad situation out of guilt. Work on yourself and figure out why you chose an affair rather than setting limits on your husband. The only time I would suggest you going back into the relationship is if he has already changed and is no longer abusive. Going back into an abusive relationship, hoping it will change, is a recipe for more abuse. Stay away unless you see drastic changes. Work on yourself so you don’t walk into the same relationship in the future.
Take care-Lisa
Okay. Basically I’m 20 and have been in a romantic relationship with a guy for the past 1 1/2 years. I love him very much, and I have always been honest with him as he has been with me. This is the problem…For the past 6 months or so I have been having an internal struggle between 1.wanting to be “young, free and stupid” and
2.wanting to maintain my wonderful relationship with the man I love.
After our one year anniversary I started getting restless. I think what happened is I saw that I could be happy with him for the rest of my life and I just sort of freaked out subconciously. After a couple months, I broke up with him so I wouldn’t cheat on him. Shortly thereafter, I went on a lot of casual dates had two one night stands.
Through all of this, I have been 100% honest with him. He was very hurt after my first one night stand (understandably) and this made me realize that our mature, honest, deep relationship was way more important than any fling.
The second problem happened a few weeks later. I got really drunk and slept with a guy friend of mine-I don’t remember much of the situation, but I took full responsibility for putting myself in that situation. Well, Thomas was VERY hurt by this because I had already said that I didn’t want to sleep with any one else. He didn’t understand how I could cheat if I had already told him that I didn’t want to. I was crying and torn up emotionally as much as he was (if not more).
Now we have worked through all of this with a lot of talking and honesty. A few months have passed, and things are going wonderfully-trust has started to build back. He has not officially taken me back as his “girlfriend”, but we basically act the same-neither him nor I have dated anyone else for the past 5 months.
Now, last night I really messed up. I went to a party while he was out of town visiting family. I met this interesting guy from out of state. There was an obvious attraction, but I straight up told him that I had a boyfriend and was NOT going to make out with him. Long story short, I had a nice bracelet on my wrist that I took off to show him. Somehow, I forgot to get it back. After realizing this, I called him to try to get it back.
Basically, I ended up going to his hotel to get the bracelet. We started talking and even though I made it explicitly clear that I did not want to make out with him the attraction was too strong and we had sex. During our intimacy, I kept seeing the face of my boyfriend. Each time I had to stop what I was doing and started to leave, but the guy from out of town always coaxed me back.
This is my main question. After the second and third of these one night stands, I felt HORRIBLE remorse. I feel like the worst person in the world, cry for days, and almost always lose my boyfriend (the thing I fear most). Yet, I understand he deserves better than someone cheating on him. I love him SO much, yet I have basically cheated on him three times. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel terrible remorse, and never want to cheat again but in the past 5 months it has happened three times.
Please does anyone know why I keep doing this? I’m really hurt and confused. Thank you.
You see, I’m not the type of girl to cheat. For 19 years with every guy I’ve dated I’ve not once thought about cheating. I was the most loyal, loving, caring girl and I was an awesome girlfriend.
Well, things change. My current boyfriend and I will be dating for 2 years in October. At the beginning of our relationship everything was great, it was like a fairytale. I broke up with my ex for my present boyfriend and I thought nothing would happen. Well 2 months into our relationship I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex. My boyfriend and I didn’t break up, we just seperated for a week or so. We ended up talking things out and reassured each other and started our relationship where we left off. After that things weren’t as tense as I thought they would be, which was good. Well another 2 months went by and I did it again. I cheated on my current boyfriend with the same ex. I know its awful. But I wasn’t over him yet and I know that I should’ve waited to get with my current boyfriend after I was over my ex. But we all make mistakes and mine, well mine was a bomb that was waiting to get set off. He found out the first time because I told him. The 2nd time was on valentines day. I’m not sure what was going through my mind. I was confused, stupid, ignorant, and etc… He found out a month later by a 3-way conversation with my ex and his friend. After the valentines day incident, I stopped the affair. However, after the V-Day affair he broke it off with me when he found out. A month or so down the road we ended up getting back together and I haven’t cheated since. Things aren’t the same and I dont expect them to, but I wish they weren’t as bad as they are. If I could take it all back I would. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend. He treated me like I was the queen of his world and I loved that. I know I screwed that up. BIG TIME. I wish there was some way to get the trust back and get things going on the right path. I dont lie, or deceit him. I do everything in my power for him to make up the hurt and the brokeness that I had given him. I know he thinks of the past quite often and he always throws it in my face. Which at times I get upset over but anymore I can’t because it is the truth. I can’t get mad at the truth or the decisions that I made. I love him with all my soul and I want our relationship to make it. I’ve learned that it takes hard work, passion, dedication, desire, determination, and most importantly of all HONESTY to make a fragile troubled relationship work. We often argue and I want things to change but I”m happy that he’s by my side now. I’m devoted and committed to him 100% no matter what life may throws our way. I also look at it like life is giving us these hard obstacles to get through to make our relationship stronger. So, If you can get through the hard part; getting the trust back that you once lost, then you can get through anything.
DEAR INEZ: I’m sorry things have been such a struggle for both of you. I’m glad to hear you are trying to gain his trust and are no longer lying. This does not mean however that you have to take whatever treatment he throws at you. You to need to be remorseful for what you did and do what you need to do to repair that trust and betrayal, however, you don’t need to take poor treatment. You need to know if your boyfriend is able to forgive you and create a healthier relationship with you or not. If you have done everything in your power to repair the damage, be trustworthy in every way since the affair and be honest in this relationship andhe still can’t get past it…it’s time for you to end the relationship. Don’t sit here for the next 10 years trying to get forgiveness whie he treats you poorly. Seek help, stand up for the changes you need or move on.
Take care-Lisa
I had an affair 10 years ago. Unfortunately I swept it under the rug at the time. Recently my wife found a note on the floor about a discreet affair, and it all came back to her like it was yesterday. There never was another affair but to make a long story short we are seeing a marriage counselor.
My issue is that the meeting has been more of a Compatibility 101 rather than a Marriage Counseling Session. We have been married 25 years and we do have some issues that need to be worked out.
The MC feels that 10 years is too long to repair anything, but we have a strong love for each other and I don’t believe time is the issue – I believe the reason and resolution should be the focus.
We need positive reinforcement, not negativity. We went through the compatibility quiz 25 years ago.
I love my wife and she loves me but she is depending on this MC’s opinion as to whether to maintain the foundation and grow – or whether to leave.
I know the love is strong but the communication has been lacking, along with some other things, but I would give anything to work it out with her.
Just what is the role of a marriage counselor because I thought it was to work out issues and make the marriage stronger?
If I am incorrect – who can I see for help in our marriage?
DEAR BILL: Repairing a relationship has more to do with motivation, sincere remorse and a willingness to look at tough issues (and work them) head on. i believe that the job of a marriage counselor is to teach people how to be more relational, healthy and mutually loving. If one or both partners is not willing to work on these things, I do not believe the goal of a marriage counselor is to keep the relationship going. If both you and your wife are willing to do things differently, repair the damage that has been done and work on being more loving partners to one another, then I don’t believe time is a factor.
If this MC is not working, keep looking until you find one who works for both of you. I suggest you find one trained in the Relational Life model (www.terryreal.com) if this one does not work out. First, however, I would speak to your wife about what you’re noticing and what your concerns are. Also speak to your MC about these concerns, s/he may be saying something different than your interpretation.
Take care-Lisa
My wife was having an online affair with someone from overseas that she had met through a friend on Facebook. Although they never met, in a few short days, their discussions were that of “Penthouse Forum”. So descriptive and passionate. I found out because I sensed that she was changing and I installed some spy tracking software in her pc. Little did I know that it only took a day and I got all the info, I never wanted to see, but needed to confront her.
She was more upset that I had spied on her and ruined her fun than anything else. Now, we had been having problems, but I felt that they were working themselves out. She was the last person on earth that I would expect to do something like this.
I am having a hard time getting past the painful feelings I got when I saw their messages. I had told her that there could be ZERO contact between them any longer and that she should let him know it was over. She agreed and said that she would do it.
She went to her friends house to “cool off” for the evening that I discovered the affair. She and her friend were laughing and drinking like they didn’t have a care in the world. They even put up some funny videos that they made…not one oz. of remorse was shown.
I am very upset that she would not just delete him from her page and block him. That way we could start the healing process.
I am hurt and I want to stop feeling this way. I can’t get a bit of sleep because thoughts of the whole ordeal wake me up. What can I do to stop the pain and make her understand that it HAS to be over with him for good before we can move on. She said she would refuse to go to therapy and wants to work on it ourselves. I disagree. How do we fix this?
DEAR STEVEN: I’m so sorry to hear your wife made such a hurtful decision and little remorse. If she is flippant about what she did and more upset at you finding out then at what she did, then there’s little chance of your relationship healing from this. I understand she doesn’t want to get into therapy, often the partners who cheat just want to move on and not talk about it. My suggestion is that you tell her that’s not an option. Let her know that this has shattered your trust in her and has greatly hurt the relationship. Be clear that you will need to explore what happened and want to do that with a trained third party to help both of you through very difficult discussions. If she refuses, I suggest you get into therapy yourself if you’re not able to put the relationship on the line unless she goes.
Warm regards-Lisa
About six months ago I found out that my husband of 16 yrs had an affair with a stripper or escort not sure which one. There were a lot of hurtful things that were said from him as well as from her. He said he loved her and he wanted a divorce. After a lot of conversations and drama he decided it was best to come home for the kids.
6 months later he is saying that he is done with all of that and will never do it again and that he wants to build a good relationship with me. However I discovered that he was emailing another woman and although it did not seem romantic, he told her that we were separating and they were emailing back and forth. I asked him about it and he said that she worked for a company that he was trying to get something from so he was flirting to get what he wanted and that it didnt mean anything at all.
I already have an extremely hard time trusting him. Everyday I think about what happened and have flashbacks of the deceit and lies. I am paranoid everyday, stressed beyond belief and dont really know if I can ever trust him again. I feel like I have to always investigate what is happening because I am afraid.
He does sound sincere about building a relationship with me but his actions speak louder than words and I just dont know what to do.
I feel like I should be on some medication but dont know if it would help or not.
Should I just try to trust him and hope for the best or should I continue with the sherlock holmes routine, both of which will drive me crazy.
Please Help
Teri
DEAR TERI: He is not acting trust worthy and therefore it does not make sense for you to trust him. Flirting with someone to try to get a job is inappropriate to say the least. Telling someone that you are seperating is not flirting anyway…it’s lying.
You are struggling so much because you’re not listening to your gut. You’re ignoring your instincts and it’s wreaking havoc on your body. Please remember that it’s a priveledge to be in your inner circle and only those who treat you well get to remain in that circle. Period.
You deserve better and you won’t get better if you don’t fight for it. Get into couples therapy and see if he really means that he’s willing to work it; otherwise, stop trying to excuse his inexcusable behaviors, listen to your gut and make decisions that are best for you and your children.
Regards,
Lisa
To Katie 11/08
I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. About 4yrs ago he was also diagnosed with the same issue.
I can tell you that my entire relationship has been a rollar coaster that never ends. My husband has an explosive temper and is prone to making irrational decision. He started taking Zoloft and I believe it has helped but as you can imagine he doesnt like taking it because he feels like he has been labeled as crazy. On top of that it does have some sexual side effects as well. So he has on many occasions stopped taking it and the irrational decisions return and so does the exposive anger. Six months ago I found out he had an affair and it crushed me, I am still dealing with it.
Anyway my point is to think very hard about marrying this person because you will deal with the issues you have now for the rest of your married life. If you decide to have children that will make it even harder. Unless you are willing to accept the way he is right now I would advise you to seek another relationship because you may very well have a life of heartache with this man.
Teri
I am in a different situation, I had an affair. It was romantic, passionate, and everything I thought I was missing in my relationship of 5 years. He recently found about about it though it had been over for months at that point and we are dealing with the mess I made. I take full resposibility for my actions and try every day to prove to him that I am not a monster and I can be the girl he fell in love with again. The problem is that he seems to be enjoying his new found power over me, telling me on a daily basis that “I will punish you for as long as I see fit.” I have started going to therapy which he refuses to attend because I am the one who screwed things up, I am the one who needs the help. On a daily basis I hear what a good-for-nothing partner I really am for having done this and that. After having done this to him I should be grateful he hasn’t hit me which is what I really deserve. Its been about a month now and I feel as though I’m in prison. He tells me every day “your not done kissing my butt just yet so you know.” I know that advice in these situations is to allow anger and to comfort him when he feels this way but it’s starting to feel like no matter what I do he will use this as a means of control and jusify the verbal abuse he’s been putting me through as part of punishment…things like calling me a whore, worthless, a needy weakling. I’m trying to make it up to him but I’m only human. How much punishment is too much? As a side, we are not married, he told me about 6 months before the affair that he doesn’t believe in marriage, now he says it will never be something he even considers because I’ve ruined any chances of that. Any advice is helpful, thank you for listening
DEAR AMY,
You were absolutely wrong for having the affair. There were a thousand other things you could have done instead of turning outside your relationship. My hope is this experience has taught you that affairs are never the answer. However, the last thing in the world I would do is advise you to “allow the anger and to comfort him when he’s feeling this way”. That’s ludacrous!
Your boyfriend is being abusive and he does NOT have the right to be abusive no matter what you did. You need to know that and not take his abuse out of guilt. Apologize for what you did, do whatever you can to repair your piece, and stop taking his abuse. I would be clear with him that you are very sorry and are willing to work on this, however if he continues to punish you, call you names, treat you poorly, and say that you have to kiss his butt, then you cannot stay in this. Let him know you’re willing to go into therapy with him to try to work through his pain, however you are not willing to take this treatment anymore.
If he has chosen to stay with you he needs to do that with a good spirit. If he cant’ do that then the relationship will not work. You need to be clear that abuse is NEVER justified. Start looking at why you’re willing to accept it and then stop accepting it. It’s okay to feel bad, be remorseful, and try to repair your mistake; it is not okay to grovel, be a punching bag, and put yourself in a one down position. You deserve to be treated with respect ALWAYS. Respect is the bare minimum.
Take care-Lisa
My fiance and I have been together for nearly three years and are getting married in less than 6 months. Last week, I found out that he has been chatting, texting, and posting on sex sites. One site is for locals to meet up for “casual encounters” and his post was very disturbing. This has been going on for about 6 months. After confronting him about it, he admits to everything, and swears that he has not had any physical encounters with anyone. He also admitted to me that he is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and a sexual addiction. I love him and still want to marry him, but I am having trouble dealing with all of the emotions. Any advice would be much appreciated.
DEAR KATIE: I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. My first suggestion is that you read up on sex addiction as well as Borderline Personality Disorder. These are both very big issues that are not easy to live with. If your fiance is saying that he is a sex addict, he needs to be in treatment for his addiction (by someone who specializes in sex addiction). This is non-negotiable if you have any hope for a healthy relationship. I also suggest you attend a COSA (for partenrs of sex addicts) group to help you understand this addiction and what to do as the partner of an addict.
Before you walk down the aisle, I strongly suggest you make sure your fiance is attending SLAA groups (12 step group for sex addiction), in active sex addiction treatment, and that you are armed with all the information you need in order to make a conscious decision.
Warm regards,
Lisa
NOTE TO READERS: If any of you have personal experience with this what are your thoughts for Katie?
Hi,
I found out over a period of time that my bf of 1 1/2 years now has been going online to talk to girls. I found this out when i was going through depression.. I have since sorted my depression out.. and found out recently that he recreated a profile on that same website. I talked to 3 girls off his friendlist before and one recently and the first 3 girls said that he acted single and was trying to meet them, although these particular girls never met him. HE had 57 girls on his friends list at the time.. so not sure what some of the other girls would have said. When i asked the other girl (on his re-created profile) she sent me the message that he sent her which said “thanks for accepting my friend’s request. I like what I see. Have you got msn?”
And then I found a profile on a sex website… this only had his username, birthdate and star sign on it, and also that he was looking for one-on-one sex and he could accomodate the person.
I confronted him about all this, all of it he denies. And then I went through his phone and found a message from a girl saying that she would like to meet him, but wanted to know what color, religion he was and what he was looking for. I didn’t see the reply to this message as he had deleted it. But the next message from her said that all guys think the same thing about her and that no one thinks she is different.
I confronted him about this, and he’s changed his story 3 times now. First she was just a friend, and then she got his number from a friend from his former work place, and then he didn’t know how she got his number.
He’s been apologising to me, but when I ask him what he is apologising for he says about having re-created the website and for being a jerk. He says he’s realised what he almost lost and is happy that I am giving him another chance. Thinks he was being stupid and almost lost a good thing.
He denies everything.. and this is making it really hard for me to forgive him and move on. I don’t believe anything he’s said to me about these websites or this girl. I believe this girl is someone he’s been talking to online and was trying to meet her, but I got in the way. I don’t know if he has met her or is still talking to her. But he’s sworn on the life of someone very close to him that he hasn’t cheated on me and that he’s not talking to that girl anymore.
I am trying to move on from this and try and give him a last chance.. because I think he does regret things, but he’s scared to tell me the truth? I can’t be intimate with him at all because all this keeps running through my head and it is affecting us.. I don’t want to make things worse between us.. but I feel stupid and like a fool because I feel like I’m letting him get away with it all.
What can I do to make things better?
Thank you
Alex
DEAR ALEX: Get into professional help for both of you. There are several red flags for sex addiction from your story. If he is a sex addict there will be many more incidents if it’s not dealt with. Right now you have no reason to trust him…even if it’s not sex addiction. If he’s sincere than he would be willing to get into couples treatment; if he’s not, he’ll likely refuse.
I’m sorry he’s been repeatedly making such hurtful choices at your expense. My suggestion is that you decide what you need to be able to trust him again. Let him know what you need and stand behind those requests. If he refuses, the future does not look good, I believe.
Sincere regards-Lisa
Wow….The love of my life had an at-work affair with his co-worker. Sad thing is, I worked at the same place while this was going on and I could have walked in on it at any time. I suspected something was going on between the two of them from the very beginning, but you know that you don’t want to believe such a thing….We bought a house together 1-1/2 years ago and everything was going so well. He never gave me any indication that he was unhappy or anything..as a matter of fact, he treated me like a queen. My suspicions were aroused again when my kids while downtown saw her in his car with him on his lunch hour. It took me 2 months to the day to get the entire truth out of him, it came in bits and pieces, but found out that this had been going on for 3 of the 4 years we had lived together. I do love him (always have), but not the him that his capable of doing such a self-centered thing, but the him that lies underneath all the ego, the “self” he portrays to everyone else. I want to work things out, but one day I am okay and the next, I can’t stand him. I don’t think he is at all entitled to be depressed nor do I think he is at all entitled to be happy. I feel like these emotions are all MINE. I almost feel as if I am addicted to playing the victim here, but I don’t want to. It is the most confusing period of my entire life. I only discovered the whole truth two weeks ago after my 2-month-long dig for it. And what IS remorse anyway–saying your sorry? Please, that is not enough. My life as I knew it is in pieces, scattered everywhere, and it is NOT a mistake–it was a conscious decision. I want to see him cry, beg, hate himself, hate her. That’s what I call remorse. I want him to really GET what he has done. Once I see this, I think I could try again, but from this point, I have done ALL the trying, all the crying. All I hear is “I promise, I will NEVER do anything like this again, I adore you and I am so sorry.” “I want to help you, but I don’t know how.” Well, you certainly knew how to NOT help me didn’t you–maybe try the opposite of that. This is where I am at. Any suggestions?
LISA’S REPLY: I am so sorry to hear about your partner’s affair. Your feelings right now are very normal–it’s only been two weeks since you found out. My suggestion is that you not make any major relationship decisions right now; it’s too soon to know what you will want. I recommend that you both get into couples therapy or coaching and begin to see if you can work through this or not. I also recommend that you surround yourself with close friends and do your best to take care of yourself. Sincere regards-Lisa
Well, here is one that I really need help with! I have been married to my wife for 16 years. I cheated on my wife with another woman approximately three years ago. She confronted me and I admitted to it and then vowed to do everything I can to get her back and to ensure that we have a better and stronger relationship. I dedicated myself to just that and have continued that path until now. She stated that she forgave me after some time of course and we moved on as a married couple or so I believed. Unknown to me, my wife began a relationship with a man 16 years younger than she is and with whom she works. Additionally, she actually never forgave me and kept all documentation of my previous affair and photos also. She shared the photos and the story of my infidelity with her lover which I believe was a key to her heart and a big opening for her lover, a smart young man of 25 years old. She had a 6 month emotional and sexual relationship with him in which she stated she had room in her heart for he and I. They would go to lunch together, kiss and make out after work and after happy hour and would occasionally meet at a hotel for half a day while I was at work and the kids at school. I am very hurt by what I perceive as a vengeful act on her part. I know what I did was wrong and have taken full responsibility for my actions from the beginning. We have had honest discussions about our relationship since and she still wants to stay together. The thing is “I do not trust her” and I cant see my way into trusting her again in the future. Its not just the relationship or the sex with him but the lying about him and the deceit and letting me believe she forgave me and that everything was OK between us. What are your thoughts with regard to this situation and our tenuous relationship.
To Angelique -(from Heather)
Trust is hard to build, but once it starts getting built it’s kind of like restarting your relationship again. If you’re trying to get your spark back, there are two things I’d recommend. 1st, look at what might be dimming the spark. [ Are you having a lot of trust issues and insecurities? Those will make intimacy harder. Talk through them with your partner. Both of you can learn to share about these sorts of things and to be supportive of each other.] 2nd, Look into activities that new partners use to learn about each other. Try things like spending an afternoon just exploring each other with new touches. Try to bring something new into the relationship that you’ve not done before. Anything from taking a romantic trip and setting the mood with scenery, to bringing a sex toy into the scene, to massages with oils, to a bubble bath together. Since you’re working with trust, you could also try a loose blindfold over the eyes and exploring each other while blindfolded. It may seem silly, but being blindfolded might be a way to start feeling comfortable in your trust. Don’t forget the little things. Learning to pay attention and do small things like post-it note ‘I Love You’s and similar small ways to show affection can really help as well. 🙂 Talk them over with your partner so you both work together to build the spark. 🙂 Good Luck!
2 years ago my husband of 33 years had an affair that lasted about 6 weeks, with a neighbor he met in the park. Lots of lying sneaking and cheating. He got caught and says he is so sorry, he gave her up as soon as I found out. He lied initially about the affair. A few years before he had what he called a friendship with another woman who he met at the beach. He swears there was no sex just friendship, he told me about that.
I have such a struggle trying to firgive him and the trust is there some times and not at all other times. We both went to counseling and there were a lot of issues for him with family and abandonment of parents. I would like to trust him again but I feel very unhappy most of the time.
Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier to move on and then I also feel afraid of being alone.
I wonder if he can be truthful when he says she never meant anything to him and he never thinks of her.
My husband had an affair after 16 years. We’re together now and I need advice on how to get the spark back. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi, my wife had an emotional affair with the gardner at her work via lunch, constant text etc and she told me she kissed him on xmas eve when we decided to sep and decided not to see any other people and I was devastated. After this she was diagnosed with depression. Months later she was pregnant and we had a stillborn baby which brought its own issues and we now have a living child but I have constant nightmares about the affair and I don’t believe she just kissed him and suspect she had sex with him. A couple of weeks after finding out what happened I kissed another girl at a pub to try to eas the pain or get revenge but it didn’t work and I have told her this. This was all four years ago and I don’t want to bring it up but I still feel the pain. What should I do?
LISA’S REPLY: I’m sorry for your pain, it’s very difficult to deal with a partner’s betrayal no matter how big or small. I believe that even though it was four years ago, it’s clear that it still impacts your relationship. My suggestion is that you sit down and ask yourself if there’s anything your wife could do to help you get through this: like her to answer more questions, talk about her feelings for you, talk about why she thinks it happened or how you both can protect your relationship from this in the future etc. Get clear on what you need before discussing the issue with her.
After you have clarity, sit down with your wife and ask her if you both can talk about it. Let her know you love her very much and you are struggling with putting this behind you. Next, briefly talk about your struggle (2-3 sentences) and then make your request. Do not go on and on about what you’ve been making up and how badly she hurt you without a professional sitting with you both. For now, focus on your request and see if she is willing to do it or to help you through this. If this conversation is too difficult, seek professional help so you both can clear this and move forward.
Best of luck-Lisa
I just found out my husband had an “emotional affair”. To my knowledge it has ended. Since it is over should I work with my husband on our marriage and not confront him? I have tried talking to my husband (she actually called the house and spoke to me about my husband; calling him a loser)about her but he says he doesn’t know her. He does not acknowledge knowing her. He said she must of had the wrong number. I know he will not admit to me what happened because this happened before when we went thru a rough patch during fertility treatments and early miscarriages. My therapist says he is afraid that admitting it and seeing me in that pain again. All I know is that he will not admit it, at all. What will stop him from doing this again?
LISA’S REPLY: In my experience the outcome is often poor when a spouse continues to deny and have litle to no remorse for the impact of their behavior. I’ve yet to see a couple make it by pretending something didn’t happen and just attempting to move on.
The fact that this is the second time worsens the odds even more without treatment. My suggestion is that you speak what you feel in your gut. If you’re sure this woman did not hav ethe wrong number, then don’t pretend that she did. Be clear with your husband that you’re not stupid and his behavior both with her and now with how he’s handling it with you, is hurting your marraige.
Take care-Lisa
When my boyfriend and I were going out 2 girls had told me that he cheated with them but I never had any proof so I let it go and stayed with him. Then we broke up when he went away for college but we still acted very much like a couple, however he had girls coming in and out of his life and I had guys coming in and out of mine. Although we both saw other people, I was always more outwardly showing of mine because he had lost his virginty to one of the girls he had seen up there and slept with the other girls.
Although he only really dated three girls, he was talking online to a bunch of girls and sending pictures and talking dirty and all kinds of stuff. I use to go through his emails and text messages which just made us fight more. He said he felt betrayed that I did that.
When he came back down, we decided we would really work on things before we got back together. I later got this message from this girl to back off him. One of the girls he was with at collage contacted him and I read the email. He told her he missed holding her then he told me he fell asleep on his friends couch with this girl that kind of likes him and she was laying in his lap. I had lied to him about reading his emails lately and when I confessed he got mad. I just don’t know how to learn how to trust him with out reading is stuff and snooping on him. please help.
LISA’S REPLY: First off you both need to have a conversation about what your relationship is and isn’t. Are you both saying that you are monogomous or can you see other people?
If you both have agreed to not see other people then there’s no reason for you to trust him. If that’s the case, than why are you feeling guilty for not trusting him when his behaviors are not trustworthy? Instead of feeling guilty about not trusting him I would begin taking steps to let him know that his behavior is hurting your relationship. Why are you the apologetic one when he’s the one causing the pain?
If however, you both said it’s okay to see other people then he has not betrayed you so much as you possibly wanting to change the agreement. Do you want this relationship to be monogomous and if so, have you presented that to him?
Either way, be clear about what you want and then be willing to stand behind that with strength, love, and conviction.
Regards-Lisa
I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 12 years has met a new “friend”. He says it was nothing out of the ordinary, but he lied to me about it, and then I learned that he has been leaving late night phone messages on her voicemail at work. Even when confronting him with proof, he lied until I pushed the issue and told him that I would pursue this to the end, so he tells me or I find out myself.
So, he admitted that he met this girl while shopping (he works in the stores), she comes in to see him during her lunchtime, to the various stores he works. He said that they just talked and there was no physical, but they did discuss at the beginning of their friendship that they wouldn’t involve sex as they didn’t want to jeopardize their relationships with their respective partners. But for the past few months he has been emotionally detached and even verbally abusive.
So far, I think he has been forthcoming in all the answers to the questions that I have asked. I do think he does want to work it out.
He says he is sorry. He says he wants to work it out. He says he wants to go to couples counseling. He says he understands that this is a form of an emotional affair and that he was therefore, unfaithful.
My problem, he had a one-night stand 5 years ago that we worked through. I thought that we were OK in this area. I just don’t know if I can ever trust him again, and if I even should consider it. He is still living in the house, and I am not sure if this can work with him around and if I even want it to anymore.
LISA’S REPLY: I would wait until you make any big decisions either way. You will need time to allow this information to settle in and to decide what you want to do. If you decide to work the relationship, I strongly suggest you do couples work to address all the issues related to affairs and healing from them. If your partner wants to really repair the break in trust this is a first step.
Take care-Lisa
Hi
today I found out my husband of nearly 4 yr cheated on me. I am broken to the core – he was my rock and the love of my life. It was a one-off with a woman he barely knew…we had been having problems in our marriage. I still love him, but his guilt and worry about whether love is enough, makes me think, we are over. Any ideas?
Hi,
This has been a very difficult time for me. I learned from an email that my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years meet someone on the internet. He says that he was very lonely and very unavailable to him emotional, and physically. He says that there has been no physical intimacy between them. She was someone he could talk too. It was going on for about 6 weeks. He did not deny it. I have been going through a lot myself and I was unable to see through my own suffering. He tried to the best of his abilty to reach me. I was not able to listen. We are both good people, just very stuck in our own issues.I have started seeing a min-body counselor and he has booked an appointment for one. We have become closer through all this, however, I still cannot get it out of my mind. I have asked him not to be friends with this person anymore, if, he would like to work on our relationship. He has agreed. I get triggered very easily. I check his phone, which I never did before. When I am triggered he does try to help me with it. I have a lot of fear with this, and I am not sure what to do with it. Do you have any suggestions that might help me and him.
Thank you
Marie
DEAR MARIE: It sounds like you are right on track with seeking help. I would also recommend getting into couples work with a therapist or relationship coach to address the affair.
Your mistrust is absolutley normal and is likely to be there for quite a while; being triggered is also common for a long time. There’s a good website to check out regarding affairs that might help normalize your feelings it’s: http://www.beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com/affairrecovery/
Hang in there!
Lisa
I have been married for 15yrs with 3 great kids. 6 mths ago my husband told me had been having an affair with a co-worker and that he loved her. She was aware that he was married and had a family. He has lied after telling me about the affair in saying he gave her the phone back that they communicated with. He still works with her and she is due to have his baby in July, how does this marriage recover? He wants to forget all and start over but when I asked him to show me where she lived he would not, but he brought her to our home on his own will.
LISA’S REPLY: I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for you–especially with three kids and his mistress having a baby.
You’re husband’s desire to just forget it all and start over again is very common…and the worst thing both of you could do if you truly want to heal from the affair. In order to heal, you both have to look at what happened, why it happened, and honestly discuss all the issues that come along with an affair: mis-trust, pain, anger, flashback-like experiences etc. My recommendation is that you both get into counseling or coaching to heal from this affair. the more he tries to forget it and move on, the more difficulty you will have moving on.
I also recomend you read the book, Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. It’s a great resource for couples recovering from a work place affair (or any affair for that matter). If your husband is truly over the affair and truly wants to work the marraige, he would be willing to do whatever you ask; if he’s not, I would be skeptical at best.
Warm regards,
Lisa
I was recently cheated on by my boyfirend of six years. He left for one day saying he was moving out but then came back and asked me to take him back. I said that I would but I cannot get over the thoughts of him continuing to talk to this other woman. He says that he won’t and that he is commited to going to couples counseling with me. Would it be selfish of me to ask him to change his phone number so that this person can no longer contact him? So far he she has contacted him and said that she is cutting herself, I feel that this is a manipulative behavior so that he will feel bad for choosing me over her. He has been honest about her attempts at contact but how can I know it will not continue in this day and age of cell phones, chat rooms, and text messaging????
LISA’S REPLY: You could ask him to change his number however that is not going to guarantee she won’t call his new number. My sugestion is that you ask that he open his cell phone and e-mail to you so you can check at any time to see if there’s been any contact. I would only do this for a set time period. You can speak to your couple’s professional to get clarity on the rules of that.
I also suggest you read the book, NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. It’s a great resource for couples trying to recover from affairs.
If the woman is cutting, your boyfriend should tell her to go get help; he should not in any way try to be friendly with her about this out of guilt or any other emotion. When people cut, they need professional help period.
Warm regards,
Lisa
We are young(in early 20’s) and have had our issues but I know we both love each other very much. When we first got to know one another we both were getting out of relationships. I slept with my old partner and this really hurt the current guy. But we got through it slowly and have been together four years. We started having issues and I started to feel insecure about myself and the relationship. I went home for xmas to visit family and he stayed where we live together. He told me while I was home that he had slept with another girl a year ago while we were “taking a break”. This killed me! While on the phone with him i told him that we needed to resolve it the best we could over the phone because I wan’t sure i could deal with it. He kept saying he “couldn’t he just couldn’t talk about it right now” I told him if he hung up it was over. He hung up. I was so upset and betrayed and unappreciated. I had all these emotions going on and the insecure part of me sought reconciliation. (I slept with my best guy friend) I felt so stupid and horrible about it I flew home early costing me more money to fix the relationship and to forgive him. But I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him what I did. He finally found out through my email and broke up with me. He said he was moving out got another place but still hasn’t grabbed anything. He has been a wreck but keeps saying he can’t be with me but needs time. He also said he wants to be friends and that I need to prove myself. I have been trying (which is really hard because I want to be closer). I have been trying to help him focus on school, and him in general. While I have been PROVING myself I found out that he slept with some random girl maybe a week ago. I am so confused. I love him so much! I apologized so much and have been trying but I dont feel like he is. I know hes upset and confused but should I just be okay that hes sleeping with people(I know were not together but it hurts) People keep saying give it time but it hurts so much…Please help I don’t know what to do
LISA’S REPLY: Dear Sorry,
My suggestion is that you do some work on yourself first before trying to get back into a relationship with your ex-boryfriend. You need to look at why you turn to other men when you’re feeling insecure about yourself and your relationship. That type of acting out is common in love addiction. Love Addictin is when you put more time and attention on the other person than on yourself. Your comment “I have been trying to help him focus on school, and him in general”, also rings sounds like Love Addiction. I recommend you read Pia Mellody’s book, “Facing Love Addiction” and see if any of it rings true for you.
To answer your question of whether you should be okay with him sleeping with other people depends on whether or not you both are working towards reconciliation. If you both want to see if your relationship could work than no you don’t want to accept those terms. If you’re both broken up and there’s no talk of getting back together, then you may not have a lot of choice about what he does in his own life. You will need to grieve the loss of this relationship and not make the same mistakes in your next one.
The one thing you absolutely DON”T want to do is settle for anything he gives you. You need to know that you deserve to be treated well in a relationship AND so does he. Don’t ever settle for less…no matter how painful it is to lose a person. It’s not worth the cost of losing yourself.
I am needing some major help! I have cheated on my husband not once but twice now and I am trying to get back in him good graces. We are talking and he is some times staying at my house. I want him back and have figured out that he is ALL that I want. How can I get him to believe me and be able to trust me again. He says that it is as hard for him to not be with me b/c he loves me and wants it but how is he to be able to FORGET, FORGIVE, & TRUST!!!! Please help in Kentucky!!!!
LISA”S REPLY: You first have to realize that it is going to take a lot of time for him to trust you again. It is hard enough when it is only one affair, when it is multiple affairs the healing process is much longer. My suggestion is that you allow him the space that he needs, you ask him if there’s anything he needs from you to help him trust you, you make your life an open book to him (cell phone, e-mails, etc.) and that you consider getting into counseling.
It’s time for you to also look at the reasons why you have chosen to have two affairs rather than deal with any issues within your marraige directly. Was it attention, revenge, unhappiness or…? You need to look inside yourself and figure out why you are pulled in this direction. You working on yourself to figure this out will also show your husband that you are taking this seriously and are doing everything in your power to not repeat this destructive pattern. To find a good therapist I would ask friends for referrals or go to the following link to find a therapist in your area. http://terryreal.com/find/index.html
Finally, I recommend that you both read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, PH.D. This book will help both of you understand the healing process necessary with affairs.
If you stay faithful, work hard on your own issues, and stay the course, you both have a chance at healing. The average time it takes to heal from an affair is three years so know that you are in for a long journey and be patient with your husband’s struggles–they are absolutely normal AND last a long time.
Best of luck-Lisa
Lying after the affair. I am the one who had the affair. We have been together for 15yrs. We have decided we want to be together. The affair happened in August 2007. When I first admitted to the affair it took me almost a week to tell her all the truth(not sure why) but that did affect our recovery. Recently she asked me again when I started thinking about having an affair. The first time she asked me that question I told her it just happened very quickly, but when she asked me again recently I told her I thought about it a month before it happened. Now we are really having a major set back, because she says I dont know how to tell the truth. At times I dont even remember alot about the affair. Really struggling.
Reply: I’m sorry things are so hard right now and that you and your partner are experiencing a set back. My suggetion is that you let your partner know that you are very sorry for not being honest in the first place and that you can understand how that could lead her to think she can’t trust that you will ever tell the truth. Commit to her that you are willing to be honest with her about everything related to the affair even if you know it will be a difficult conversation. I would then be very honest with her.
She needs to trust you again and every time you lie or don’t give the entire truth, you break that trust again. You believe that your honesty now is what is causing the set back, I would say it’s your deception before is the culprit. You may also want to seek help from a professional to guide you both through this process.
Hang in there and be honest.
I recently found out by accident, (checked an email account by chance) to find my wife having an intimate relationship with an old friend. He lives 8 hours away and there has been no sexual encounter, but by the content, it would happen. I think this emotional affair is everybit as bad or worse than a one time affair, as she has got so personal. I addressed this, and she denies it would ever go that far. She made it clear I am not fullfilling enough. There may be truism in that. I only work, support 4 kids, and do try to maintain a home. She has not worked in 13 years. Emotionally supportive I could be better. I have never once strayed in 18 years of marriage. My concern is the non remorse from her, and me the one loosing sleep and not eating. Is that normal? She does not want to talk about it. What can I do, as it hurts so much?
Dear TJ: I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. You’re absolutley right when you say an emotional affair is just as bad as a sexual one. They both break the trust in a relationship and rock it to its core.
Unfortunately it is not uncommon for the partner who is having the emotional affair to not want to talk about it. It is also not uncommon for there to be little remorse.
That said, it’s really important that you do talk about it because it greatly impacts the relationship.
My suggestion is you continue to try to talk about this with your wife. If you’re not sure how to do this here is a script to help you. You can either use it exactly or use it as a guide to put your own words together (it’s largely the feedback wheel with minor changes):
“I want you to know that I care a great deal about our marraige and I want it to last for many more years. I also realize I have not been very emotionally supportive for several years and I’m sorry about that. I’m willing to work on this because I don’t want our relationship to end.
The other day when I found your e-mails on the computer, I was shocked. When I asked you about them it seemed as though you had no remorse. You then said I was not fulfilling enough.
What I made up about this was you don’t think you did anything wrong and that you feel like it’s okay to have an emotional affair with (Name) because you’re not fulfilled in our marraige. I also make up that you’re resigned regarding our marraige.
I would like for us to sit down and have an honest conversation about our marraige and about your relationship with __________. I realize you may not think this is a big deal, however to me it is.”
Next TJ you have to think about what you want from her. Do you want to do some couples work? Do you want a promise from her to stop all contact? Get claritiy about what you want and then ask her directly. If she refuses your requests and continues to show no remorse, get into couples treatment.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Lisa
Affairs are just plain crazy. I thought I would be the last person to ever have to experience an affair in my marraige, yet it happened to me and us. We have always been very happily married (almost 8 years) and have a relationship that most of our friends envy. It has been the most devastating experience ever and I am really struggling to stop visualising my husband and his affair partner in the office. We are doing well and things are working out, however it is still on my mind a lot and sometimes I just want to run away from my marriage. Other times I am strong enough to carry on trying. It is hearbreaking when the person you trusted most in your whole life, betrays you. Please ladies and gents, stop any friendship going past a friendship. It causes misery for ALL concerned and only makes your life more difficult if you are fortunate enough to be granted a second chance by your spouse.
My wife was having an affair for three months which ended a couple of months ago and I have been really struggling with the mental anguished it has caused. We are in therapy but she has no one else with whom she can discuss how she is feeling honestly without fear of being judged. It is too difficult for me to hear right now to be there fully for her emotional needs. She is very, very close to her mom but has not told her because she fears that she will be angry with her. She also just received a positive pregnancy test (possibly a miscarriage) and told her mom. She really needs someone to talk to so she can be supportive of me but feels too badly about herself right now and is going back into a depression – which will not help the situation.
She talks to her mom each and every day – should I call her mom, explain the situation and ask her to speak with her and be 100% supportive – exactly what she needs right now and I am struggling to give her? Thanks.
Lisa’s Reply: Definately do not discuss this with her mother; that is your wife’s decision to make. If you want her to speak with someone I suggest you give her names of a couple of good therapists. A therapist will be an objective listener and can also work with your wife’s depression.
Perhaps your couple’s therapist would be willing to meet with your wife a couple times individually if needed until she can find her own therapist.
What if the hurt to the partner is caused by the daughter who is 24 and searches for old events from her husband’s past to bring pain and hurt to the mother so the marriage will end. The mother feels so hurt she divorces. How can you recover then?
Lisa’s Reply: I’m sorry to hear that your relationship ended in divorce. After a divorce the main thing you want to do is allow yourself to grieve and surround yourself with excellent support.
In the future, is there anything that you learned from this situation so you don’t repeat it in the future? Perhaps you can discuss relevant issues from your past with your next partner so there are no surprises (if this was what happened)?
On a side note: It’s unclear if the issues that were in the past were things you had done in your relationship with her mother or not. If this was the case, it would’ve been best had you repaired with the daughter as well as her mother prior to the divorce and when the behaviors had occurred.
I’m sorry this has been so painful for you.
It’s been several months now since my husband’s affair was revealed (she is 18 years older than him, close to our mom’s age..yuck…I know)—an affair he denied for months until he could no longer deny it after his car was found at her condo…not once, but I saw it there twice! Plus imagine all the times it was there I just didn’t see it. He made me think I was crazy to think he was fooling around and that I “just never trusted him anyways.” It was all put on me pretty much—I wasn’t thin enough, I was too controlling,etc. Now he does admit it wasn’t my fault, but I am not sure he really thinks that.
Anyways…we are trying to work it out now for us and our two little girls, with God’s help.
He does not want to be intimate at all now, and honestly I haven’t wanted to knowing he was with another lady. But now at times I do want to be intimate and he just doesn’t want anything to do with it….so it makes me wonder if he is really done with the other women??? Or will it just take more time? We do hug sometimes and a little kiss here and there, but if I kiss more he isn’t interested. Also he still sleeps on the couch. Thanks for your advice!
How about if your husband
cheated on you with a transvestite and you take him
back in five months? I try to trust him and he expects
me to trust him immediately. Is this a joke? I am an attractive woman with a good job and did
everything for him. Tried to satisfy him with dressing
up and fantasies. When we went back, I said the world
of fantasies was over. After he promised to stop, he
continues to try to bring this back into the bedroom.
Is he sick?
LISA’S REPLY: I’m sorry to hear your husband hurt you and broke your trust. Trust takes only a moment to break yet a long time to repair. Your husband may wish that you would just trust him immediately however, that is not realistic. It often takes more than a year for trust to be rebuilt after a betrayal–sometimes several years.
It sounds like you and he have to have an honest discussion about what is happening and what each of you wants. You both need to know where the fantasies fit into your relationship. If you are concerned that the fantasies are a problem you may want to talk to him about this. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with it–discuss it. If you’re concerned that he has a problem–discuss it.
Do not twist yourself into a pretzel to try to please him or keep him. If you want a healthy relationship you need to be clear about your needs and wants and discuss these with him in a relational way. If you need a third party to help you both get through this then tell him that and seek help.
Remember that relationships involve two or more people. Don’t sacrifice yourself for another, instead stand in strength and become an equal partner.
I, too, have been cheated on in previous relationships before meeting my husband. I still remember the hurt, and anger, and revenge, and revulsion I experienced because of men betraying me over and over. It took me YEARS before I could really trust my husband because of the inability to trust men after being hurt so many times.
Men, if you love your women,please don’t cheat – if you do, you will never, ever, be trusted again. There are some lines in a relationship that should never be crossed – cheating is one of them. If you have no trust, you have no relationship and no love.
Even if you do own up to the affair, take full responsibility and apologize to her for betraying her, you will have lost a big part of her, for she will never fully trust, or fully enjoy you intimately again. Nor will she ever trust you as a coparent to the children again, because you broke the very example of loyalty they need, and are looking up to.
funny how at different times, my husband and i had a “friendship” that was a little more than just friendship, but nothing physical. i still call it an “affair” because we both hid it from each other, flirted with the other, and upon learning about my husband’s “infidelity” i was very hurt — after confronting him with what i learned, and then forgiving him, a few days later, i owned up to mine and told him too. both relationships we say are in the past, and yet i find it hard to not wonder and worry that he is still friends with her. a text message i hear him receive, or knowing that he checks his email, and knowing that they are in the same workplace … makes it only harder. i love your advice though because it is so true … instead of hearing him be defensive and expecting me to trust him completely again so soon … i need time to heal and build the trust again … for both of us. and if he loves me as much as he says he does, i hope he understands that.
I think you wrote this article about my relationship. Being on the receiving end of an affair, please know that it is so hard to trust and get over it. When my partner shows little remorse or amends for what he did and lies about anything at all, it severely sets me back and makes it difficult for me to be in the marriage with my whole heart. I feel resentful and want to run from the marriage even though my partner is now here and committed. For those who have perpetrated an affair,physical or emotional, please take responsiblity for what you have done; own it; and don’t blame your partner for your own actions. This is the only way to truly heal, show remorse and to move on.