“Accountability is courageous; take the time to acknowledge it when it comes your way.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
When someone in your life acknowledges their behaviors, admits their mistakes, and commits to changing their actions in the
future, your job is to respond with appreciation, not more complaint. For example, let’s say your spouse responds to your upset about them making a sarcastic biting comment to you by saying, “You’re right. The way I spoke to you wasn’t okay, and I can understand why you are so upset. Honestly, it wasn’t okay for me to make that snide comment in front of our friends—or anywhere. I promise not to do that in the future—either as a joke or otherwise”. When you hear this, though, you respond with more complaints, such as:
- “I don’t care if you’re sorry. Stop doing it.”
- “Well, I don’t understand why you did it in the first place. It isn’t okay. You made me look stupid.”
- “You’re just saying you’re sorry to get me off your back. You always do that”.
- “Whatever. What kind of person does that anyway?”
Responding to someone’s attempts to repair by doubling down on your complaint is a sabotaging move that teaches them it doesn’t pay to admit their mistakes. Why apologize for one behavior if it only leads to you bringing up five more problematic behaviors? When you respond with more complaints, what could’ve been a healing moment for the both of you, now becomes another moment of contention, frustration, and often hopelessness. In a world where so many people struggle to be accountable, brushing off their bravery is detrimental to everyone.
When it comes to missteps, the best-case scenario is accountability, not perfection. There is no perfect. Every human being—including you—will make countless mistakes throughout their lifetime. If you won’t take in someone’s attempts to repair, then there’s minimal incentive to fix any damage caused.
Being able to genuinely admit your mistakes is not for the faint of heart, so when it happens, appreciate, acknowledge, and take it in. Taking in another person’s genuine apologies increases the likelihood of that behavior continuing; it also sets up a healthy pattern of resolving conflict into motion that is empowering to everyone involved.
Challenge: Respond to accountability with appreciation every time. And, no matter what, leave additional complaints off the table.
