Affairs inevitably shake the foundation of relationships, and always lead to a breach of trust. If your partner has had an affair, during your relationship, you have probably wondered two things: 1. Will you ever be able to trust your partner again and 2. If you can trust your partner again — should you?
The answer to whether or not you will be able to trust again, in part, depends on you. I know many people who have been able to work through the broken trust created by an affair, and I also know people who were very clear they just couldn’t get passed it. Only you can say where you fall on this issue. However, I do know, that initially you will probably believe you will never trust again. You will most likely feel angry, hurt, betrayed and somewhat hopeless. These are normal feelings that can go away with time — under the right conditions.
If you decide to stay and work on the relationship, the question inevitably becomes, “Should I trust him/her?” The answer to this largely depends on your partner. Earlier I said you could gain the trust back “under the right conditions”. The right conditions include, first and foremost, a genuine remorse from your partner for putting you through the affair. S/he has to be sorry for breaking your trust, take full responsibility for the affair and be willing to do what s/he needs to do in order to gain your trust back. If your partner is at all complacent, blaming of you or dismissive about the impact of the affair, this is not a good sign and you should not trust him/her unless this changes.
In general, is your partner acting trustworthy “in the present?” Is s/he completely honest with you about even the most minor things? This is pivotal to you trusting him/her again. If your partner is telling you little lies about “insignificant” things, this is a red flag; pay attention to it and don’t minimize it. Often, a person had an uneasy feeling well before they found out about their partner’s affair. Are you still having that feeling? Is your partner coming home on time? Is s/he answering e-mails and phone calls comfortably in front of you or waiting until you are not in the room? Does s/he get defensive every time you bring up your insecurities and turn it around on you? What is your gut telling you? Are you just fearful it will happen again, or do you feel the same feeling you felt months ago when your partner was in the affair?
In summary, couples can recover from an affair — under the right conditions. You want to listen to your partner’s actions, not his/her words. If his/her words are trustworthy, but his/her actions are not — run — don’t trust!
Challenge: If you are struggling with trusting your partner, ask yourself what your partner’s current behaviors are telling you. Is your partner acting trustworthy currently in the relationship? If so, what do you need to do to help yourself let go and begin to forgive. If s/he is not acting trust worthy – – get help or get out.