“Avoiding coming home is a critical sign that you need to fix what’s going on at home.” ~LMB
Running from problems doesn’t make them disappear; it creates greater upset and more significant problems. If you’re working late at the office more, going out more with friends, acting grumpy at home, etc., chances are high that there are many unspoken upsets between you and your significant other. And if you do not want to come home (and there’s no third party in the picture, i.e., affair), then these seldom talked about issues have been going on for years.
Avoiding conflict is a common approach to resolving conflict for many people. You may think that not talking about things protects the relationship or protects you and your spouse from fighting or saying mean things or (fill in the blank.) Sadly, though, not talking about more minor issues when they show up creates more significant issues over time:
- The unspoken upset about your spouse often coming home late turns into the cold shoulder and deep resentment every time they point out their on-time arrival.
- Walking on eggshells around your spouse to avoid another blowup ultimately results in the continued silencing of your voice and deep brewing of resentment.
- Intermittently complaining about the inequity of chores, all the while you take on more of the load, leads to increasing unhappiness in you and growing disconnection from your spouse.
The pathway to healthy intimacy is not conflict-free relationships; it is mastering conflict in a way that builds rather than breaks connection. Unspoken upsets often turn into sarcastic jabs, passive-aggressive responses (e.g., cold shoulder, eye-rolls, silence treatment, etc.,) long-term resentments, and ultimately the breakdown of relationships. Eventually, issues brushed under the rug build so high that they take up all the air in the relationship. If you let the resentments build for too long, avoiding each other becomes commonplace, unhappiness grows, distance becomes the norm, and what started as minor issues seemingly become insurmountable problems.
Conflict is a pathway to intimacy, NOT a barrier. Intimacy grows when you handle issues, upsets, and disagreements honestly, respectfully, and safely.
Challenge:
- Pay attention to how you avoid working through issues in your relationship.
- Push yourself to have a difficult conversation, address the issues you’re angry about, and be honest with what you think, feel, and want in this relationship.
- If you are not doing any of the above, don’t blame your spouse for the distance you feel; it is not their job to read your mind.
