“Just because you believe you’re a “good guy” doesn’t mean you’re a good guy.” ~LMB
I used to get caught off guard when men in my office would nonchalantly defend their emotional abuse of their wives. It’s quite an interesting phenomenon to watch because the men are genuine in their self-defense and often shocked and angry with my response to this narrative. These days, though, I’ve learned to expect the defense and to have compassion for where it’s coming from.
The defense goes something like this:
- Sally: I don’t like his anger. He can get intense, and it shuts me down.
- Ted: Oh my God, you make it sound like I’m abusing you. You’re giving her the wrong impression!
- Me: Well, what happens? Does he yell, rage, or call you names?
- Sally: He can get very intense and raise his voice. And he has this look that you know not to go there. And, yes, he can do all of the above; he can rage on occasion, swear at me, and call me names or even worse.
- Me: Worse? Like what?
- Sally: If he’s really mad, he’s called me a f—king bitch or a c-nt.
- Ted: OMG I’ve called you that maybe six times in 10 years! Jeeze, stop making it sound like I’m some abuser.
- Me: Hold on, do you yell and call her names?
- Ted: On occasion. And, she’s no innocent angel either!
- Me: And (long pause) have you literally called her a– cu-t?
- Ted: Holy shit, really?! Is that where we’re going to focus? I told you. I’ve said that maybe 6 times in our entire marriage! Look, I’m not abusive. I’m a good guy, and you have no idea how difficult she can be!!!
- Me: Wow, (long pause) you say that like it’s okay to call your wife any name, and even worse, a cu_t–even once. (Pause) And, (Pause), it’s interesting to hear you so adamantly say you’re a “good guy,” yet, you act like anything but a good guy in your marriage.
- Silence…
And, we’re off…
Beliefs, actions, and statements like Ted’s are a product of long-standing cultural and gender messaging that normalizes, encourages, justifies, and excuses aggression in men. These men, along with countless others, are embodying the lessons imparted by their fathers, coaches, leaders, movies, and our society. Unfortunately, these messages are intensifying today as we witness the world embracing leaders who justify, defend, and excuse their aggression, bullying, and incessant attacks on anyone who stands in their way.
However, times have changed since the 1950’s. Marriage is no longer a transactional arrangement. Women today are fully capable of earning substantial incomes and taking care of themselves. They neither need a man to “provide for” them nor want a man to “take care of” them; They want loving spouses, not surrogate fathers or angry bosses intimidating and shutting them down. Women are angry and tired of having the person who should be the safest in their lives be the ones they fear the most. They want more.
Sadly though, women’s call for uncompromising relational safety, connection, and respect, has, not surprisingly, left countless men feeling relationally impotent and ill-equipped to rise to the occasion.
The culture emotionally shuts down boys from a very young age. Daily messaging teaches males to ‘man up,’ toughen up, and suck it up. Most cultures instill the belief in boys that aggression is power, and compassion is weak. Ingrained cultural messages further teach boys and men that having sex with women is manly, while cherishing women is resoundingly anti-masculine and even ‘feminine.’ In fact, asking men to cherish and emotionally connect with women is often seen as an attempt to ‘turn men into women’ and is frequently condemned with derogatory terms questioning one’s masculinity (e.g., wuss, sissy, or worse). These messages leave far too many men dangerous and countless women fearful and at risk of harm from the very people the culture claims are their protectors.
However, what a lot of men won’t tell you, and most people don’t know, is:
- Many men want to save their marriages.
- Countless men yearn to experience genuine connections.
- Fathers—both young and old—aspire to foster healthy, connected families that provide a safe haven where men, women, and children, can individually and collectively thrive.
- Unfortunately, too many men are at a loss regarding how to undo a lifetime of harmful messaging and, subsequently, struggle to show up differently.
- Moreover, on a larger scale, men have no idea how to repair the damage their behavior caused—a crucial requirement for creating healthy, connected relationships, systems, and cultures.
A significant aspect of this relational paradigm shift demands a level of accountability and repair that few men have had to confront. Men, women, children, companies, bosses, politicians, governments, and our world at large shield and insulate men from facing accountability. This shielding has left men poorly equipped to correct their mistakes and heal the damages done in any meaningful way.
Despite men being positioned at the top of the pyramid, the adage “It’s lonely at the top” holds true. The world’s tolerance of men’s anger and the discouragement of genuine connection often leads to their isolation, loneliness, and detachment. Sadly, men frequently seek—and are encouraged to seek– refuge from this loneliness through avenues like sex, work, and substances rather than genuine connection. This misguided approach becomes another destructive pathway to heightened loneliness, disconnection, and isolation. Tragically, until more individuals, both men and women, dare to challenge this toxic status quo, the number of disconnected, angry men, and consequently fearful, at-risk women and children, will continue to rise.
Challenge: The stakes are too high for men and women to continue to buy into the toxic gender messaging of yesterday. Pay attention to the gender and cultural messages that you’ve been taught and are acting out every day in your relationships. When it comes to verbal or physical aggression, observe where you fall on the continuum of blowing up or shutting down and how you make excuses for either. Uncompromising safety is a prerequisite for genuine connection and intimacy. If name-calling, swearing, yelling, or blow-ups (no matter how large or small, common or uncommon) are a part of your relationship, you don’t have safety and trust. Work to clean it up, not cover it up.
