“True strength and connection lie in building compassion—not in shutting it down. Always build.” ~LMB
Every day, I hear men express how they struggle with talking about their feelings while the women in their lives share a profound sense of loneliness. According to the women, the men not only hold back their emotions but also lack compassion and tolerance for their partner’s feelings. These sentiments are like a broken record that plays on repeat.
The lack of tolerance for their partner’s emotions shows up as dismissiveness. It’s as though the women feeling sad, hurt, or fearful might rub off on the men, and so the men shut down or dismiss their wives’ feelings almost as fast as they’re spoken:
- Woman: “You hurt my feelings.”
- Male: “You’re too sensitive.”
- Woman: “I’m sad that my friends did that.”
- Male: “Why do you care? Just move on.”
- Woman: “I don’t like how you snapped at our son.”
- Male: “Oh my God, you coddle our kids—I’m raising them to toughen up.”
And on and on…
This kind of dismissiveness is not just common; it’s damaging. Dismissiveness is endless because of a lifetime of training. You can’t be “tough, strong, not cry, unemotional, and “man up” without learning, from a very young age, to not feel. The unspoken message? Build a wall around your heart, and life will be much easier.
Here’s the harsh truth: you cannot be present and supportive of another’s emotions when you spend a lifetime disowning your own. The only way to not feel is to train yourself to minimize, ignore, and wall off feelings across the board—first your own and eventually everyone else’s. Shutting down your feelings, over time, turns into locking all feelings out—your emotions and the feelings of others.
When the mantra is to “toughen up,” the instinctive reaction is often to “compassion down,” which results in a shutting down of empathy and compassion for others’ feelings and experiences. Having compassion for others requires that you take in their sadness, hurt, despair, and fear—emotions that many men spend their entire lives suppressing. This suppression harms everyone involved, contributing to many failed relationships. The message to “man up” perpetuates a damaging mandate that wreaks havoc in households across the globe.
This pattern is toxic. It’s a paradigm that’s hurt men and women alike, leaving both partners lonely and disconnected. Men deserve better. Women deserve better. All of humanity deserves better. This antiquated paradigm has harmed all of you and those you love for far too long. It’s time for change – for men, women, and all of humanity. Dare to challenge the status quo – because you and your loved ones deserve nothing less.
Challenge: Allow yourself and others to feel and express all emotions without shaming, dismissing, or judging anyone for having or sharing those emotions. Refuse to remain silent in response to comments such as:
– “Be a man.”
– “Toughen up.”
– “Stop being such a ‘girl.'”
Regardless of your identity—whether male, female, cisgender, non-cisgender, or non-binary—you deserve to experience the full spectrum of human emotions that we all were given at birth. It’s time to reclaim this birthright—for ourselves, our families, and the world.
