“When you truly listen, others feel genuinely heard; there are few things more connecting than genuine respect for a person’s experience, thoughts, and opinions.” ~ LMB
Have you ever had someone repeat the exact words you spoke to them and, yet, seem not to have taken in a word you said? How many times have you “heard” what someone’s said yet, in essence, blew it off? “Listening” to appease, rush, get past, or otherwise move on in a conversation is one of the biggest disconnectors in relationships. And although everyone has moments of poor listening, it becomes a tremendous problem when it’s a pattern.
Genuine listening leaves people feeling heard, respected, and connected—even in moments of conflict. When you’re genuinely listening to someone, they know. Synergy happens when two people listen—they tend to play off each other. Even when your spouse disagrees about the topic, you can feel when they’re engaged in that conversation from the stance of we versus me. When you’re communicating as a team, you’re both curious. You ask more questions to understand each other’s points of view, highlight ideas you find intriguing, and encourage more dialogue. Both people strive to have the conversation be a win-win for everyone involved.
In contrast, engaging from a stance of me feels more dismissive, adversarial, and even isolating. The conversation becomes more about two people arguing their points rather than a partnership of understanding and growth. These conversations feel like ‘one-way’ monologues. Often, both people end up feeling frustrated and disconnected. Over time, the relationship slowly and steadily decompensates. One person starts to feel increasingly lonely, dismissed, and eventually hopeless about ever genuinely being heard. This hopelessness expands to either feeling resigned to stay unhappy or pulled to leave.
The killer for most relationships is seldom a sudden event but rather the repetitive unhealthy pattern of one or both individuals steadily chipping away from the relationship. Protecting me rather than building we is one of many of these relationship-crushing patterns when left unchecked; don’t leave this pattern unchecked.
Challenge: Learn to recognize the pattern of protecting me versus building we –at home, on the job, and in the world. Be courageously accountable for your actions when warranted, genuinely interested in others’ experiences when they choose to share them, open to feedback even when it is difficult, and always respectfully authentic when you share.
