Mary and Stan came into my office after 17 years of marriage. Mary was quiet and sullen as she said she didn’t want to be married anymore. Stan was shell-shocked. He was certain Mary was going through a mid-life crisis. Mary was clear she had been feeling this way for years, but hadn’t wanted to hurt him.
Mary is one of many women who have come into my office over the years, clear that they no longer wanted to be married. In almost every case the men were shocked. In some cases, the women had been telling the men for years they were unhappy, but the men were not listening. In other cases, the women said very little and thought the men should just know. In all cases, the women left the marriage long before they actually walked out.
Below is an excerpt from one of my blog readers, Chris, who sent me an e-mail asking about this very dynamic. Here is what Chris had to say:
“About six months after my father died, my wife came to me and said she didn’t like me this way and wasn’t sure if she loved me anymore. It wasn’t long afterwards that she left. I had returned from a week long business trip and she didn’t even come to pick me up at the airport. She had moved out. The reason I tell you this whole story, is that I’m not the only man who has had this happen (especially recently). In fact, it is happening to men right now like a plague. I have a couple of friends and acquaintances that have had this happen to them recently as well. The question I have is — why are women leaving men for “independence, freedom, romance and passion” when these men are supportive, healthy, kind and loving people?
In my experience, Chris is correct that women are leaving. The divorce rate, as many of you know, is 50% for first time marriages. What many people don’t know, however, is that 75% of those divorces are initiated by…women. Where Chris is not totally correct is that the women are leaving “supportive, healthy, kind, loving people.” In some cases this is absolutely true and in some cases it is not.
In the cases where the women have been speaking up, many of the husbands have chosen not to listen. The women have repeatedly told the men they don’t like the way they are being treated and have frequently asked their husbands to change. The men have either outright denied poor treatment, justified it, minimized it or just blew off their wives’ complaints. The men didn’t think their wives would do anything (since they hadn’t before), so they continued doing what they’d always done. Imagine their surprise, however, when “all of a sudden” their wives chose to leave the marriage.
In other cases, the women have been miserable for years, but said little or nothing. Some believed that if they were nicer, kinder or whatever, their marriage would be better. Others believed that they should just learn to love him anyway and not create any conflict. So the women suffered in silence until they just couldn’t do it anymore. Then, one day, they tell their husbands that they haven’t been happy for years and they’re leaving. Next, they leave.
This isn’t fair to the men. Men are not responsible for reading our minds. Suddenly walking out on a marriage is a horrible dynamic to pass on to our children and incredibly painful for our husbands. Walking out also deprives women of the possibility of creating great, loving relationships with their husbands.
So what should men and women do about this? The first thing we all need to do is stay on our side. We cannot change our partners so we need to change ourselves. Here’s my advice for all the men and women out there in long term relationships:
Advice for Women
Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. If you do speak up and he doesn’t listen, then ramp it up. Set limits. For example, if he flirts with your friends or at restaurants and tells you he won’t stop, then refuse to go to parties or restaurants with him. If that doesn’t change anything, then move out of the bedroom until he stops the flirting and agrees to get into counseling. The bottom line is you need to let him know, with your words AND actions, that you are unhappy and you need to see change. If he doesn’t change, be clear that your relationship is in jeopardy.
Do not make empty threats. If you say it, you must follow through—otherwise don’t say it. Do not give mixed messages. Too often, we tell our partners one thing, yet water down our message by muddying the waters (e.g. “I don’t like it when you drink.” “Hey, you want to have a drink?”). Be clear and don’t back peddle; this is confusing and crazy making.
Advice for men
Listen. Listen. Listen. If your wife tells you she’s unhappy—she’s UNHAPPY. Listen to her. Men have this crazy tendency to minimize, rationalize and defend their behaviors and it’s killing relationships. Stop it! Trust that she knows what she’s talking about and stop being so hard-headed. If you want your wife to stick around; then you need to treat her cherishingly.
Do not take your wives for granted. Just because she’s not saying anything today, doesn’t mean she’ll be there tomorrow. Below are the most common complaints I hear from women about the men in their lives. If any of these sounds familiar, I suggest you deal with it now; if you don’t, your wife may not be there later:
• Anger issues or rage
• Flirting (poor boundaries)
• Don’t talk or share very much
• The “busy” bug—always focused on tasks not people
• Untreated depression
• Passive aggressive—make empty promises that you don’t keep
• Never home—always working. When you are home, you’re still working.
• Don’t help with the kids or the house
• Controlling or possessive.
CHALLENGE: Women if you’re thinking of leaving–SPEAK UP. Great relationships have been formed because partners have the courage to be honest about what’s not working. Men—if your loved ones speak up, then you need to listen up. Be a partner, not a boss or father figure. Step in and connect rather than shutting down. It’s no fun to be in a relationship with someone who never talks. We can do that by ourselves.