“Your protection quickly becomes your complicity when what you protect is harmful; don’t be complicit.” ~LMB
Ideally, protection aims to stop the harmful behavior done to an often weaker, more vulnerable “target.” Hurtful behavior occurs when an offender uses words, actions, position, or power to abuse, shame, threaten, or harm that “target.” “Protecting” the offender, however, is called aiding and abetting; When you jump in to protect the offender, you are complicit in their offense. And, more often than not, the offenders being “protected” are men.
Sadly, cultural messages teach men and women to treat men with kid gloves regarding accountability. There is a dangerous message in our world that men can’t handle being held accountable–they will blow up, break down, or go into a crisis if others truly address their harmful behavior. Many women protect men to keep men “calm,” not hurt their ego, or keep themselves in their good graces. As a result, men and women alike back down when it comes to being honest with men about their behavior.
These protections, however, don’t help the men, those protecting them, and certainly not those they are harming. (Note: This is also true if the offenders are women.)
Protecting those harming others is like spraying lighter fuel on a burning fire—it intensifies the flame, makes it easier to burn, and keeps the fire going longer. When you jump in to explain, justify, or defend poor behavior, you allow that behavior to continue, make it easier for the person to offend others, and create a pathway for long-standing harm. Protecting harmful actions sounds like:
- He’s a good guy.
- He’s a great friend. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that.
- Your father loves you. He had a hard day and didn’t mean what he said.
- Why do you talk back to him? You know he’s going to snap. When are you going to learn to stop setting him up like that?
- He’s just quiet; he’s not intending to be rude or ignore you; he’s just in his own world sometimes. He really is a good guy at heart.
- I know he cheated, but you know how men are, and you know you can be challenging. Besides, he said he’s sorry. What more do you want from him?
- I’m sorry, my husband just blew up. He’s been under much pressure, and I hope you’ll forgive him.
The protections can run the gamut. However, the ultimate message is the same: look past the offender’s actions and trust me when I tell you he’s a “good guy.” The second part of these protections is the steady message–from both the offenders and the protectors—that others are responsible for the offender’s actions. The underlying message is that the target is at fault for causing the man to ignore, blow up, attack, cheat, lie, or (fill in the blank). This message is true regardless of whether the target of the harmful behavior is a child, spouse, stranger, woman, employee, etc.
Misplaced blame allows offenders to keep offending and the recipients of those offenses to be blamed for causing and instigating the pain the offenders dish out.
Protecting men (or any offender, for that matter) is harmful to everyone. You are not improving your life, relationship, or situation by excusing, minimizing, or defending hurtful behavior. When others are shaming, mocking, intimidating, threatening, cheating, lying, raging, ignoring, name-calling, etc., they are being harmful. Your excuses for their behavior make you complicit in that behavior; it also increases the likelihood that you will be a target of the very behavior you are excusing.
Challenge: Stop excusing the poor behavior—towards you or others. Don’t minimize the impact of someone’s abuse, mean-spirited interactions, threatening energy, or generally harmful actions. Your excuses become an offender’s justification. Don’t be complicit in anyone’s poor treatment of others—or yourself.
