“‘Man Up’ carries a steep price for men, women, and all of humanity—think twice before buying in.”
In the confines of my office, men frequently open up about their feelings of disconnection and loneliness. They share their struggles with communication, emotional expression, and creating loving relationships. Behind closed doors, men share their shame, fears, sadness, and desire for love and connection.
No matter how much males mask this disconnection with bravado– through work, drinking, sex, drugs, money, or affairs—the truth remains: that disconnection is often present. The “Man Up” training often leaves men feeling isolated, unappreciated, and alone. While fleeting moments of escape, like a wild night out, passionate encounters, or professional achievements, can provide temporary high points, the underlying disconnection lingers. Even if they are unaware of it, those around them are often acutely aware.
Today, there is an increased demand for men to conform to the “man-up” mentality. If you are a man, I urge you to resist this pressure with every fiber of your being. Fight for yourself and the younger generation of men. “Manning up” requires you to suppress your emotions, instead projecting power and strength through stoicism, anger, aggression, and violence. This mandate robs you of the very things your soul craves: love, admiration, and deep connection. It’s incredibly challenging to love someone who leads with stoicism and anger.
Denying your feelings and numbing yourself can only happen by locking out all emotions—yours and those of others. Truly feeling compassion for others means experiencing their sadness, hurt, and upset—emotions many men spend their entire lives trying to suppress. The societal mandate for men to avoid showing emotions makes it nearly impossible for them to connect with others on an emotional level.
Sadly though, this shutdown of feelings, and the dismissal of others’ feelings, requires disconnecting from the humanity of those around you — and from your own. You cannot create thriving relationships while severing ties from the very essence of others. Unless you are a psychopath or sociopath, your greatest need as a human being is the need for love and belonging. Men can try to “man up,” “toughen up,” or “be strong” all they like; yet, no matter how “strong” you appear, you still want, need, and crave love.
Do not allow the world to impose demands on you that you will ultimately pay for–not them. The systems, leaders, and “man up” advocates of the world don’t give a damn about your feelings. They don’t care if your spouse leaves you, your children refuse to speak to you, or if you find yourself alone in a dark room, turning to “manly” outlets like pornography, drugs, alcohol, or other vice. The pressure to prove your manhood is a fabricated construct that keeps you and countless men lonely, unfulfilled, and angry about their lack of love.
Love requires compassion. Admiration demands safety. Connection calls for the emotional strength to meet others in their pain, worry, and upset. If you want thriving relationships with those who love and admire you, it’s time to change your relationship paradigm.
Challenge: Take a step back and pay attention to the messages boys and men receive. Ask yourself if those messages have helped you feel connected, loved, or capable of creating thriving relationships.
