Distance doesn’t announce itself. It accumulates.
“Keep your finger on the pulse today so tomorrow you don’t ask yourself, ‘What happened to us?’” – Lisa Merlo-booth
A common complaint I hear from couples is that they feel distant.
Overall, things are okay – no big fights, no big issues, no major upsets – just a void. They report feeling more like roommates than lovers. And so they begin to question the relationship, saying that although they love each other, perhaps they are not “in love” with each other.
More often than not, what I find is that they have developed bad habits.
At some point, they began to take the relationship for granted and forgot to nurture it. They settled in and created habits that slowly fueled the distance –and before they knew it, they were worlds apart, wondering what had happened.
Some of the more common insidious distancing habits are:
1. T.V.
Shut off the TV for a set amount of time and give your partner your undivided attention.
2. Phone
Mind-numbing scrolling, keeping the phone glued to your side 24/7, and frequently answering calls or texts during dinner, on a date, or mid-conversation are all distancing behaviors. Find phone-free times for both of you –– and protect them no matter what.
3. Alcohol
Having two or three drinks after work or with dinner every night is not a good habit to get into. Daily drinking keeps you both from being fully present. Cut back. Daily drinking is a recipe for disaster — personally and relationally.
4. Computers/Work
When you are home, be home. Don’t come home from work just to get back on the computer–– whether for work e-mails, video games, pornography, or anything else. All of it keeps you distant and checked out of your relationship.
Distance can happen to any couple at any time. All it takes is a few distancing habits, a lack of attention, and a busy schedule. These three things can quietly shift a strong, healthy couple into two people living like roommates. If you’re not careful, one day you’ll wake up wondering, “What happened to us?”
Challenge: Pay attention. Are you feeling distant?
Have you formed distancing habits that are keeping you out of your relationship?
If so, what are they–– and what are you going to do about them?
Work on them for the next month and see what shifts.
Then have the harder conversation: talk to your partner about what you think their distancing habits are, and ask them to change.
