“Speaking ‘in the grey,’ is a recipe for misunderstanding.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
Have you ever been upset about someone’s actions that you thought you both had an agreement around? A low-stakes example of this could be you becoming angry at your partner for bringing home dinner for everyone rather than cooking a meal. As you both dig into the details, your partner points out that you asked them to “take care of dinner tonight”—not “cook” dinner. You may respond by rolling your eyes and accusing them of “knowing” what you meant and then angrily walking away. Internally, you’re accusing your partner of being lazy, irresponsible, or (fill in the blank). However, the truth is, you weren’t clear, and they shouldn’t “know.”
Ouch, right?!
Here’s the thing: too many people “speak in the grey.” You may “know” what you mean when you speak. However, your knowing is different from speaking what you mean. This dynamic can play out in many ways, including watering down what you’re asking for, insinuating what you want without directly stating it, or complaining and not asking for anything. Let’s take a closer look at these:
- Complaining: “You’re working a lot and not spending enough time with our family.”
- Clear: You’ve been traveling and gone a lot this past year, and then on the weekends, you’ve been on your computer and not engaged with me and our family. I want us to sit down and devise a travel schedule that works for our entire family. On the weekends, I want us to do family things together without you working or being on the computer.
- Insinuating: “I want you to know that I’m not sleeping with anyone but you. That doesn’t work for me to be sleeping with multiple people.”
- Clear: I would like us to be exclusive, and we agree that we will not date, sleep with, or communicate with any other possible romantic interests outside our relationship. Are you willing to agree with that?
- Watered down: “In our marriage, I am only interested in you; if you are doing anything outside our marriage, I need you to be totally honest with me.”
- Clear: I want a totally monogamous marriage on both our parts. Either one of us having any physical or emotional affairs, flings, or incidents is not okay with me. Are you willing to agree to this?
When you are asking for something you want or attempting to get an agreement on an issue, pay attention to precisely what is being said. For example, although the statements below may all seem “nice,” there is NO agreement in any of them:
- “I have been traveling a lot, I get what you’re saying.”
- “Oh yeah, I totally get what you’re saying.”
- “I love that you don’t want to see anyone but me—awe, that’s so sweet—hug, hug, hug.”
Lack of clarity leads to resentment, unspoken expectations, and unclear agreements. Not being clear with your message to avoid conflict, them saying no, or becoming angry causes more significant strife and frustration. Clarity provides guardrails and a cleared pathway for moving forward.
Challenge: If you struggle with asking directly for what you want or need, take the time to clarify before the conversation. Write down what you want, read it over, and ensure you’re saying what you actually want. After the conversation, ask the person what they heard and what they agreed to, if anything.
