“Explaining why you did something doesn’t erase the impact, repair the hurt, or change the outcome.” ~LMB
Have you fallen into the habit of explaining your actions rather than repairing the hurt those actions caused? Do any of these responses sound familiar?
- Spouse: “I’m disappointed that I can’t count on you to follow through on what you say.”
- You: “I have a lot on my plate. I’m doing my best juggling work, helping with the kids, and trying to be home earlier.”
- Spouse: “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me right now. Please change your tone.”
- You: “I’ve had a hard day, I’m exhausted, and I need a break.”
- Spouse: “Can you please clean up the kitchen?”
- You: “I’ve only been home for an hour and have been helping the kids with their homework.”
Many people believe that explaining why they did what they did is a relational move–it’s not. If your more focused on explaining your actions than on changing your behavior and being accountable for its impact, your relationship is likely on shaky ground. When someone asks you to adjust your behavior (like “Change your tone”), they want you to change your tone, not explain why you have one. Your spouse, boss, child, or friend isn’t interested in why you’re doing something upsetting–they want you to repair the damage and understand why they’re hurt.
The need to explain your actions is more about your own comfort than strengthening the relationship. Your partner wants to know that you care about their feelings, will change your behavior, and work to heal the hurt—not hear a justification or reminder of how you’re a good person. Their upset isn’t about you; it’s about their pain.
Hear their upset. Fix their hurt. Change your behavior. When you find the courage to respond with accountability, they’ll see, feel, and know you are a good person. Until you can do that, they’ll continue feeling frustrated, unheard, and increasingly disconnected.
Challenge: When someone in your life courageously shares their upset about your behavior, meet them with courage, not defensiveness. Hear their concern, own your actions, repair their hurt, and change your behavior.
