“Saving your marriage requires changing the behaviors that caused its downfall.” ~LMB
A common mistake when trying to win back a spouse is bringing them flowers, writing them heartfelt notes, or sending long e-mails professing your love. Sadly, unless your spouse specifically said they were unhappy because you didn’t give them flowers or express your love enough, these actions are unlikely to save your relationship.
Saving your marriage requires a much deeper shift than simply buying gifts or declaring love. These actions are surface-level and fail to address the core issues that caused the relationship to deteriorate in the first place. For example, if your spouse is considering leaving because they can no longer tolerate your angry outbursts and hurtful comments, writing them love notes doesn’t address their actual concern. In this case, giving flowers is like trying to fix a flat tire by washing it with soap and water–it might look nice, but it won’t help you drive the car forward.
Winning your spouse back requires you to be vulnerable, present, humble, and brave. It means setting your ego aside and truly listening to your partner’s pain—especially the pain that involves you. Ask yourself:
- What behaviors did they repeatedly complain about during your relationship?
- How many times did they ask you to stop doing “x,” or start doing “y”?
- Is your love an action? Could others tell you loved your spouse by how you treated, talked about, and interacted with him/her? Could your spouse tell?
- If your partner could change two things about you—things that would drastically improve the relationship—what would they change about you?
These answers are your blueprint for saving your marriage—if it’s not too late. Don’t waste your time on “washing the tires” when the real issue is a flat. You need to address the hurt, own your actions that resulted in the breakdown, and commit to behaving differently—consistently and over time. If you’re not willing to make real changes, then saving your relationship may not be what you truly want.
Challenge: Tune in to the state of your relationship and dare to ask yourself the hard questions above. Many divorces happen because complaints, upsets, and hurts were dismissed, ignored, or swept under the rug. If your partner is telling you they’re unhappy, want to separate, or have already left, find the courage to understand why and the power to change.
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