Ignoring the pink elephant in the living room makes the living room uninhabitable over time. ~LMB
The “pink elephant” phenomenon is a common term used in the field of addiction that speaks to the frequent pattern of minimizing the seriousness of a person’s addiction—even as it’s wreaking havoc all around them. In essence, this massive ‘pink elephant’ (E.g., drinking) is playing out on the living room floor, and everyone is walking around, stepping over, and ignoring it even though it’s talking up the entire living room.
Ignoring the seriousness of an issue—even while that issue is seriously impacting your life or the lives of those around you—is a typical pattern for many people. Although your spouse’s drinking could be one example, there are many significant issues that people pretend aren’t there—issues that they choose not to see even when they’re right in front of them (e.g., the pink elephant).
Have you ever struggled to see what was right in front of you? For example:
- What used to be fun nights out with friends, social drinking, and many laughs have become frequent nights of your spouse getting trashed and embarrassing you or themselves. However, you minimize the pattern you’re seeing and tell yourself that s/he is the same old “life of the party” they were when you first met.
- Your aging parent keeps forgetting things, is increasingly moody, and has lost their balance several times over the last couple of months; you tell yourself it’s them not paying attention.
- Your boyfriend has an anger problem that you are frequently walking on eggshells around, yet you explain it away by telling yourself that he’s a nice guy who happens to be stressed.
- Your spouse frequently closes their computer or quickly shuts down their phone when you enter the room. They get angry and defensive when you see an odd text before they shut it down and ask them about it. Although something feels off about their extreme secrecy and reactions, you chalk it up to them being a stickler about privacy.
Pretending your spouse doesn’t have a drinking problem doesn’t mean they don’t have a drinking problem. Looking away from your lover’s computer so you don’t see their secret chat room discussions doesn’t mean those chats aren’t happening. Walking away when your boyfriend snaps or blows up at you doesn’t make the emotional abuse go away. Nor does it stop your boyfriend’s out-of-control reactivity.
Pretending you don’t see the pink elephant in front of your eyes does not mean the elephant’s not there or it’s not a problem. Refusing to allow yourself to see what’s happening keeps you in a false reality with potentially harmful long-term consequences. When you fail to acknowledge an issue, you give that issue the time and space to grow into a bigger problem. Ultimately, you can’t fix what you don’t recognize.
Challenge: Allow yourself to see what you see. Take off the blinders. If you see something, say something. If you’re worried about something, speak to it. If something feels off, address it.
