Over the years I’ve had countless couples come into my office on the verge of divorce. In several of these couples, one partner is all but out the door while the other partner is fighting for one last chance to save the marriage. In some cases the partner who’s out the door says they’re no longer “in love” with their spouse, in others there was an affair and in still others there have been years of resentment built up from poor treatment, lack of an emotional connection, minimal help with the home and kids, etc. Regardless of the reasons, the set up is that one partner wants out (or, minimally, space) while the other one wants the marriage.
In these situations I’ve seen people do all sorts of things to try to save their marriages—most of which kill off any chance of getting back together. Most spouses in fear of losing their marriage turn to desperate measures and do things such as:
• Try to seduce their spouse into staying by being ultra sexual (women typically try this one)
• Plead/demand/pressure their spouse to make love with them (men)
• Call, text or contact their spouse constantly to “check in”
• Have endless conversations about how their spouse is feeling about the relationship now
• And on and on…
The problem with all these tactics is that they have the opposite effect from what the person is going for—they inevitably push their spouse away rather than bring them closer. And although these attempts make sense, given that the person is feeling desperate and scared, they are the LAST thing you want to do if your spouse is saying they want space or—worse yet—they want to leave you.
If you find yourself in this situation—avoid doing all of the above at all cost. The last thing you want to do with someone who says they need space is to smother them and give them no space. Don’t allow your fear and insecurity to sabotage your chances at saving this relationship. You have to get them to fall in love with you again—by giving them the space to miss you—not by pestering them 24/7.
Take the time to breathe, slow down and PAUSE. Listen to calming music, go for a walk, call a friend etc., and DON”T chase your partner.
Don’t hound them with questions about what they’re feeling, text them incessantly when you become insecure, look to them for reassurances that they still love you, pressure them to have sex or throw yourself on them for sex. Don’t act like a sick puppy and beg, plead, cry or tell them how utterly distraught you are. And please—don’t EVER tell them that you can’t live without them or insinuate in ANY way that you may harm yourself or kill yourself because of the pain they caused you. The moment you do that, you just confirmed for them that you’re not healthy enough for them to be in a relationship with. All these moves come out of desperation, which–like it or not–is highly unattractive and will only result in them feeling more distance and even disdain for you.
Ask them to go into couples work together and find someone who specializes in couples (there are many terrible couples therapists/coaches—don’t waste your time with someone who’s not excellent at what they do). Find individual support for yourself so you can show up differently in this relationship and have support through the insecure and lonely times. Show your insecurities to the professionals, not your spouse. Don’t send manic texts, make frantic phone calls or go on an angry rampage about how unfair this is and how it’s really all your spouse’s fault. Get calm, get grounded and get strong.
There are few things more attractive than confidence and strength. When you’re in front of your spouse—be strong and hold it together. Show up differently—in ways that your spouse has likely been asking you to do for years. If they complained about your anger—show up calm and stay calm. If they complained about your lack of help—step up and get responsible—help them. If they complained that you never listened, were emotionally unavailable or work too much—be present, listen and stop zoning out and escaping. Make the changes s/he has always asked for and show them these are forever changes, not just “get you back” changes.
Challenge: If you want a chance at winning your spouse back, you have to give them the space to miss you. Be the person they’ve begged you to be, letting them call you and having fun with them when you see them versus having deep conversations about your pain or the relationship. Let them miss you.
NOTE: Due to the number of comments sent in, I am not able to respond to all comments. Please do not take this personally.
Tiana Lee says
May 23, 2019 at 10:35 amMy husband and I have been married for 9 years, about 5 years ago I had a very traumatic birthing experience that left me depressed and severely overweight. I was not treating him withe the respect he deserved for a long time because of my depression and he recently decided he wants to move out and proceed towards a divorce. I took this as a wake up call and decided to go get some therapy which is helping me so much to get back to the woman I used to be. My husband is happy that I’m getting help but says it’s just to late, he is moving out in two weeks what can I do to try and get him to stay and work on our marriage?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 6, 2019 at 4:45 pmDear Tiana,
The best thing you can do is to keep doing what you’re doing–get yourself stronger. Focus on you right now and let your husband do what he needs to do. Don’t ask him to work on the marriage etc. Give him space while you work on you. If it’s meant to be he will come back. In the meantime, show him that you are strong enough to manage without him if necessary.
Keep doing your work and best of luck.
Lisa
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anne says
May 6, 2019 at 3:38 pmMy husband came to me out of the blue after 28yrs and said he needed space and time. He says he is done and wants out. He works a lot and I know that he is not seeing anyone else. He says I nag and complain and fight with him every time that he comes home. He says now that it takes everything he has to come home. He says he still loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. He comes home 4 days a week and stays with me and he stays 3 nights a week with one of our friends. I really want to turn this around just not sure how to do this
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 22, 2019 at 11:03 amDear Anne,
The first thing I suggest is to take an honest look at your behavior. Is it true that when your husband comes home you’re often complaining and fighting with him? If there’s truth to this, then your work is to pull back on criticism. You might have a critical lens which sets you up to first see what’s wrong/off or not good enough in things. You will need to change that lens and learn to focus on the positives and the things that are good. Start this process now on the days your husband is home. Greet him with a positive greeting rather than a complaint about what he hasn’t done. Focus 100% on your behavior only right now and see what happens. In the meantime, don’t beg him, cry to him and chase him in any way–simply implement changes regarding the feedback he has given you.
Best of luck!
Lisa
Judy Himebaugh says
April 28, 2019 at 8:12 pmI’ve been with my husband since 2012, married in 2013. We have a beautiful boy together. Out of the blue he decided to leave me on this past Wednesday. I sent texts and calls just to find out he changed his number. To make it short, a year ago he made friends with a homeless guy. The only real thing they have in common is drinking. I never allowed it only because drinking caused alot of damage in his life. After a few days of searching I found him. Dirty, homeless, hanging with his friend. He doesn’t have a license so he was on a bike. He told me he wants a divorce because I won’t let him be a drunk in lesser words. I was told to doll up, smile, act like all was fine but how can one act fine when they are going thru hell? It’s easier said than done. I don’t want my marriage over. There’s no way a human heart can push aside the anger and hurt and think they can win their significant other back as easy as one says. Not everyone’s relationships are the same. I’ve stood by his side thru way too much over the years. Made alot of personal sacrifices. And this is what I get?
Karem Cox says
April 11, 2019 at 12:18 amHello I have practically done all the don’t on this post, which is probably why I’m not sure that I’m going to be able to save my marriage. We have been together for 10 years married for five and about a year ago I had postpartum depression after our son was born and I basically treated my husband like crap, as far as pushing him away ,not very interested in sex, I was very distant with him I had all my attention in our son. At the time I didn’t know what was going on and never went to a doctor for it, but according to him during that time he started thinking that I was cheating on him which I wasn’t. That whole year took a toll on him and he came to be done with our relationship, he started going out after work to bars, to strip clubs. To me this came out of the blue, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. He met some new friends, girls that I didn’t know about from the beginning I have just recently found out about them, he says they are just friends. But he goes out with them a lot, he doesn’t invite me, he doesn’t give me any explanation and we have talked about this, all we really do is fight about this now. He says he is doing nothing wrong. Now he says he needs some space to figure out how to get back to us since he was ready to be done. But me feeling insecure about our relationship like I said i am pretty much pestering him I don’t know how to give him space I guess I’m scared.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 12, 2019 at 5:43 pmKarem,
It’s important that you show him that you love him, while also showing him you’re willing and able to stand on your own. Don’t chase him, beg him to stay, plead with him, etc. Let him know you love him and would like the marriage to work, however, not at any cost. Although you want the marriage to work, be honest with him that you are not okay with him going out drinking with the girls or to strip clubs. You will need to get yourself strong enough so that you’re able to walk away if he chooses to continue to make those choices. “needing” someone so much that you accept any behavior s/he does is unattractive and typically results in the other person distancing rather than coming back.
For now, your first focus should be on getting yourself stronger. The more emotionally stronger you become, the more likely he is to change how he is treating you and the better chance you of of him wanting to save the marriage. Get into therapy, do things you like to do, create a strong friend network etc. Build up you first.
Always know you are absolutely worthy of having a great marriage.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Gary says
March 26, 2019 at 6:11 pmMy wife and I have been married for 13 years, but have been separated and living apart now for two months shy of two years. We struggled in our marriage mainly because I didn’t pull my weight at home helping her with things. I basically had my family on the back burner and was very selfish. The first year sepereted we lived in different states and had minimal contact, usually only concerning our son. For the last 10 months we have lived in the same town. We had minimal contact for the first eight months or so, and then I felt like we were getting along pretty well. I finally got the demons in my head straight and decided to make a change for the better. I started asking for us to do things as a family and she seemed to be interested and we had a few dinners and one other outing. I then made the mistake of rushing things and did the desperate type plea to have her back, and then some follow up texts. Since then, she has seemed very resentful toward me and seems to be ready to pull the trigger on the divorce anytime now. How do I approach this, I don’t want to lose her for good.
Christine says
March 25, 2019 at 7:28 amLisa – My husband and I have been married for 26 years, we have children and are almost empty-nestors. He has always been a loving adoring husband who put me on a pedestal and I have always taken care of him. We don’t fight or argue, we are not perfect but we have a really good marriage that people were envious of. He works hard and I try to make life easy for him at home. We have fun and go out every weekend, we travel 3-4 times a year. All of a sudden, he tells me he wants out he’s done. I found out he met someone about a month ago who lives 3 hrs away. He has spent the last couple weekends there. I am heartbroken and at a total loss. This came so far out of the blue. I am shocked and devasted as are my kids. I want my husband back. I suggested counseling he said no. I am willing to fight and work. I want my family but I feel at a complete loss and I have no chance to compete with possibly a new and exciting relationship. Please help
Mark says
March 24, 2019 at 5:23 pmHi,
I found out yesterday that my wife engaged in oral sex with another man. They’re both in the coast guard, and both at sea on the same ship for another month or so. I told her that I can forgive her, but she needs to break it off with the other guy. She won’t agree to that. She won’t say it won’t happen again. She won’t even apologize. She said she needs time and space to “process everything and figure it all out”. I’ve told her to take whatever time she needs, process it how she needs to, and we’ll work it out when she gets home.
Her rationale is that this whole event caught her by surprise – she never intended to cheat, but she feels something for the guy beyond just the physical, and found herself in a bad situation, acting without thinking. She’s pretty sure she wants to work it out with me, and she’s pretty sure she’s not gonna get with the guy again. I can understand; we all make mistakes. That said, I’m really uncomfortable with the fact that she won’t apologize or even say for sure that she’ll stop getting physical with the guy. “Pretty sure” – even if she’s totally rattled – is not “it won’t happen again”.
I’m not going to make any threats, I’m not going to plead, and frankly, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that if she wants to stay married, she needs to stop seeing this guy in a sexual way. Am I out of line?
Emm Pangel says
March 24, 2019 at 9:41 amLong story short, my husband and I have been together 21 years now. Somewhere down the line he neglected me and withheld sex and intimacy from me — although there was still love. After begging and pleading for intimacy and attention up to outright asking to have sex with another man, I finally ventured out into an affair. He found out and since then, the marriage and love has waned with arguments. Four years later, today, the arguments are controlled but we merely co-exist. Recently, after losing the resentment I held for the hurt and neglect and with determination to turn things around, I began to earnestly work on the marriage. And only a few months later (3 weeks ago), he announced that he is no longer in love with me; told the children; and is adamant about leaving the home up to a divorce. I have pleaded and begged in desperation to later find out that I shouldnt have done any of that. I didnt, however, do anything psychotic at all and was pretty calm the whole time. I have made drastic changes in the household to become a better wife. He is still here because there isnt anywhere for him to go and often sends me mixed signals. Yet, he says, he is “still leaving”. The children are confused. For the full monte, he has complained about my control issues, our finances, his restrictions; we already lack intimacy; and I have stymied his physical self improvement. I dont know what to do. He is really hot and cold, wishy washy. I have a new set of eyes for my husband after fully forgiving him and letting go of my hurt and resentment. But now he wants to leave and is full on blaming the affair — four years later.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 26, 2019 at 7:08 pmDear Emm,
The fact that you say you have forgiven him neglecting you and seem annoyed that he is blaming the affair “four years later”, tells me that you have justified and minimized your affair. Affairs take 3-5 years to heal from–and that is under the best of circumstances. It seems that you have held the belief that you were the one scorned and therefore had to forgive him and that somehow your affair was something he should just get over. The only chance of saving this marraige is if you let go of your stance that your affair was justified or no big deal. Your husband deserves a genuine apology and true remorse for your actions. You had the right to leave the marriage due to his neglect, or to demand you both get into therapy, but you never had the right to cheat. For that, you need to make amends. In addition, if it’s true that you tend to be controlling, then that is the second change you will need to make if you want to save your marriage.
Start making these changes daily rather than begging him to stay or change his mind. Show up as strong and confident while letting go of control and letting him know you’re trully sorry for going outside the marriage. Let him see that you will able to live without him and be okay–even though you’d prefer to be together. Stength is attractive, desperation is not. Cry to your friends but not to him.
Take it one day at a time,
Lisa
Edwin says
March 20, 2019 at 7:09 amI’ve been with my wife for 12 years now married for 5. Last week she said she didn’t wanna be with me anymore, and wanted to some space. That’s only after a hellish week where my bank account was frozen and bills were paid late, which has been an issue for the last 2 years. The issue is we are both working and I pay everything myself. I’ve asked for help and then she suddenly gets stressed and asks if we’re struggling and puts me down but does not help. I lost my business last year and it’s been very rough. When that happened I lied a lot about bills and was very inconsistent and last second. We’ve been arguing here and there about dumb stuff but the arguments get out of hand. We still sleep in the same bed she still calls me babe and honey, and we have a 2-year-old son. She has applied for a apartment and got herself a new car. We are still under the same roof at this moment. I love her and wanna give her space, but I’m afraid I’ll lose her. It wasn’t always like this, we’ve had more good than bad. What should I do? We have not cheated on each other, and there is no physical or mental abuse going on that I know of.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 21, 2019 at 3:33 pmDear Edwin,
The first thing I recommend for you to do is sit down with your wife and talk through all the issues that she is upset about. You can’t fix it unless you know what exactly she is upset about. Why is she leaving now? Once she tells you why she’s leaving and what pushed her away, you can then focus your efforts on those issues in particular. You also have to come clean with her regarding the finances. Be honest with her and be accountable for your lying about them in the past. Make a commitment going forward to be straight with her regarding your job, money and spending.
In addition, get clarity about what the rules are when she is taking time? Let her know that you do not want either one of you dating others while you take this time. And finally, do not chase her, beg her to stay or constantly ask her if she’s changed her mind or if she misses you. You need to let her see you doing well. Instead of bringin her flowers etc., show up differently day-to-day in the ways she wants to see.
In the meantime, center yourself as best you can, take a lot of slow deep breaths and focus on getting yourself in a good place mentall and physically.
Take Care-Lisa
Jared says
March 19, 2019 at 8:05 amHaving read the above article I’d be grateful if you could offer me your perspective.
I am a husband who has been married to my wife for 16 years… we got married very young – she was 19 and I 21. We have two wonderful children, and in the scheme of things have all we need – a nice home, steady jobs, no debts, no health problems etc.
For the last couple of years I’ve felt trapped and more and more unhappy in my marriage. I feel that me and my wife have become two different people with two different outlooks on life. She resents me for not wanting a third child, she resents me for working hard but this allows her to work part time. We do not have any intimacy, and have little to say to each other, I’ve been sleeping in a spare room for goodness knows how long now… I’m not attracted to her anymore and I’m worried that I’m just stringing her along by staying. I’m happy when she’s away, I’m happy when we aren’t together – I stayed at my parents on the weekend just to create a little space but my wife started calling me through the night crying and begging me to return home telling me she loves me and can’t do life without me. I cut my weekend short and went home because I felt guilty. I feel terrible because I told her I’m not in love with her anymore – I wish I was but I’m not. I had to be honest but it seems to have backfired – I feel I need to move out because now she’s becoming over bearing – constantly telling me she loves me, needs me and can’t do life workout me… I feel like a jerk and am so ridden with guilt. She tells me if I leave I will destroy her and the kids.
It’s all so grey – no one has cheated – there is no major factor has caused all of this – it’s just over time we’ve changed and I know in my own heart that I can’t do it anymore. I have no idea what the future holds if I were to move out…
Any advice you could give or just something to help me put things into perspective would be greatly appreciated.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 19, 2019 at 2:24 pmDear Jared,
Thank you for your honesty. Many marriages go through that slow distancing that you are talking about–there’s no big event such as an affair or addiction–just a slow burn. That slow burning away of passion and affection is often the result of the couple not keeping their finger on the pulse of their relationship and staying on top of the distancing. It is possible to get those feelings back again, however there is no gaurantee. You can do one of three things. The first option is to commit to working on getting those feelings back via, going on dates, doing fun things together and trying to find a something new and exciting that both of you can share together (a new hobby, interest or activity). While you’re trying to rekindle your relationship I would also recommend getting into couples therapy for a limited time period (Minimum 3 months) to see if you both can find your way back to each other.
The second option is to take some space–without seeing other people. During that time, you and your wife can meet for coffee, go to a movie and just re-engage with one another from a postion of curiosity and interest. If you both have changed then you may want to get curious about how and why. I recommend seeking professional help with this option as well prior to ending your marriage.
Finally, option number three is to separate. If you have children, I do not recommend this option until you have tried potions 1 & 2. With children, the rule is you have to do everything you can to “earn” your way out of a marriage. You earn your way out by doing everything you can to save it first.
Before you end your marriage, remember that all relationships ebb and flow. Feelings slow down and rev up so being in a slow down period does not mean you can’t ever get those feelings back.
Best of luck!
Lisa
Veronica says
March 7, 2019 at 2:20 pmHi
My husband has filed divorce and has blocked me everywhere. We have been married for one year. He lives in a different country. His family has also blocked me.
I got a chance to speak to him but he ended up saying that he doesn’t want to work on the relationship and that I believe that I don’t deserve him -I deserved a better guy. I told him this isnt the case i love you and have always loved you. But hes too adamant not to come back and hasn’t unblocked me on social media platforms. I also think meanwhile he has gotten back in touch with his ex girlfriend.
I dont know wt to do now. Please help.
Thanks
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 12, 2019 at 4:04 pmDear Veronica,
Why do you want to be involved with a man who doesn’t want to work on the marriage and is back in touch with his ex-girlfriend? Take a step back and really ask yourself if he is the best man for you. Don’t chase him, beg him to come back or keep checking his social media. Surround yourself with loving family, friends and support and work on healing. If he comes back, be sure he’s willing to work through issues rather than run from them. In the mean time, take care of you.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Diana says
May 14, 2018 at 6:21 amHello,
We and my husband were married for 2 years, and he just left our apartment 3 weeks ago.
Now we have been fighting for about half a year about little things, and mostly he felt that I did not support him at home. He is partly right, I did not help much, and he had a period of 3 months during which we were not intimate, as both were busy. During that time, he apparently was discussing the marital problems with his friends, and one of them, a close friend, of course used the opportunity, agreed with him that I am not a good wife and seduced him.
So now he left me for her and is asking for a divorce.
Now at first I was like everyone else, with begging, panicking and stuff. He couldn’t handle that and left the house and moved in a house very close to her, with her helping him with providing the new stuff for the house.
Now since I am a foreigner and came to his home country just to be with him, of course he can’t abandon me that easily. I of course worked during our whole marriage and don’t have any monetary problems, but my visa is depended on him. So he agrees to not divorce for now because I may be deported but for now wishes to separate, and divorce as soon as I can change my visa to a working one.
Recently we met to talk, and I proved to him that I can change and be the person he wished I was during the marriage. He later admitted to his mother (who told me in a message) that he believed that I changed and was very surprised and confused about what to do. But he feels that he can’t go back to me for two reasons:
1)Because he lost trust of my family and mutual friends who know about the affair and him abandoning me, and thinks that gaining it back will be too difficult
2)He actually grew very close to his new lover, as she is the “adult “responsible”type and understands him very well, instead of “clingy.” “childish” me who needs things to be spelled out several times to understand He knows that I have changed but it’s already to late. He told me when we he never dated girls like his new lover and thinks that he may love her.
But we are on good terms. I did tell him, that I don’t wish to divorce, and wish to try once again. We had a talk after separating, and we connected like we never did during the marriage. And he admited that as well.
Now my questions is, is it possible that if I give him time, (we can’t divorce any time soon anyways) he may consider coming back to me. Or should I give up, if he says that he loves his new girlfriend?
By the way, I don’t mind the cheating that much, as I did not behave like a good wife, withholding sex and not helping at home during times which he needed me the most.
I just am afraid that his love for the new person will grow only stronger. By the way we agreed to meet once a month to discuss our current situation and once we meet we really connect (not sexually unfortunately). Do you think I have a fighting chance?
Lupe says
April 15, 2018 at 8:05 pmMy husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. I always tried spicing up our sex life because I didn’t want him to get bored and feel the need for an affair. One day I asked what was his sexual fantasy because I would like to maybe do it. He responded that he wanted a threesome. I responded that I didn’t think I could handle that but I would consider it. After some googling I read that some men like to see their woman with other men. I became curious and asked him if that was something in his mind. He said no. I read that the perfect place to find someone for a threesome was a swingers club so I told him maybe we could try that to see how I felt. After that, one thing took to another and he asked me to try having sex with him and other men at the same time. I said no but after some days he convinced me. He claimed he didn’t care if I never allowed him to be with other women. He said that he was happy just with that. After some time, he started asking if he could be with another woman. He started making me feel bad that I didn’t allow him to try and so I agreed but said if I didn’t feel comfortable we would stop. We tried it; I really hated it but now he says I used him to let me be with other men and manipulated him to do all this (even though it was me that key saying I didn’t want to do this until he convinced me to try). Now he has told me that I need to suck it up and allow him to do what ever he wants for a few months and if I don’t do it that he will just divorce me. Ever since that, every time he gets mad at me he asks me for divorce. I love him and would hate to loose my family because of this
He believes everything I do is just trying to manipulate every situation and not that he is actually killing me inside with this what should I do?
Is it to obvious that he really just doesn’t care for me any longer? And I should just let him go?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 6, 2018 at 12:42 pmDear Lupe,
He’s manipulating you. You continue to do things you don’t want to do which is part of what is killing you. Your husband does not respect you and nor does it seem like he loves you. Rather than continuing to give in to him, get strong enough to leave. The longer you stay in a relationship like that, the more you will lose yourself. No one is worth that. Tell him you want both of you to get professional help for your relationship. If he says no–get out and don’t look back. And in the future–don’t ever do something you don’t want to do–for anyone. When someone loves you, they don’t pressure you into having sex with others.
Lisa
Nevada says
April 13, 2018 at 9:27 amHi. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. He works most of the time and has his own hobbies and friends that take up the remaining time. I have been solely focused on being a mom, putting on weight and becoming short with him most days. We stopped being friends, doing things together or even talking (unless it was business, bills or our son). In December he said he was unattracted to me and I knew it was time. As of today I have lost 69lbs with a ways to go. I have made attitude adjustments and have been trying to give him the things he needs. I am trying. He says he has been ‘trying’ for 2 years.
As of last week my husband has begun contacting other woman in many technology driven ways, says he doesn’t think he loves me, is not attracted to me anymore, and is not sure if he wants a divorce or not. We went to 1 counseling session and were adviced to take this week for him to figure it out. Counselor told him to decide if he is willing to work on the marriage or not, and I am to keep loving my husband to the best of my ability while moving forward with continuing to better myself. When he is with me we are like a whole new couple; transparent, loving, happily sexual, etc. When we are apart he is texting one special lady all day long. (He has never had a physical affair but possibly 2/3 emotional ones)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? OR out of sight, out of mind?
Paula says
March 13, 2018 at 10:52 pmHi.. it was my husband 18 years married 16 years last week he left. About almost 3 months ago said he needed space and is living at his brother’s house. We have three children 15, 19 + 3 year old. He’s had a two Affairs and one emotional affair. He said that during our time together I made false promises that I would put him first and that he felt I neglected him and that I put my family first. We do attend counseling. He says that I closed him off emotionally and he feels disconnected and he doesn’t think he ever wants to come back. I found myself apologizing for making him feel neglected. I told him that having time apart made me realize a lot of things and that I wanted to work on this marriage. He seems to think it’s too late that he can’t have faith in me. Where am I going wrong here?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 27, 2018 at 9:46 amPaula,
Continue to do your work and show up differently with him so he can see the changes you’re making. Stay in couples counseling and work with him to make a new marriage together–one that is mutually fulfilling for both of you. Stay the course and see what happens.
Hang in there!
Lisa
John says
February 14, 2018 at 3:19 pmHi. My husband and I been together since January 2016 and we’re already separated. We got married young, he was 19 and I was 22. He suffers from Bipolar Depression and for a few weeks he had a changed of character. He started to feel distant, had no interest in any social activities, and just slept all day. He doesn’t take any medication, he does go to therapy. He was suppose to start a new job and is still in school, but he left on Saturday, 02/10/18, to Austin, TX and we live in Houston. He didn’t plan any of this, he just up and left like nothing. So now he’s 4 hours away and says that he wasn’t happy, needed a change, he still loves me, but this won’t work anymore. So, right now I don’t know what to do. Any advice will be great on restoring my marriage.
Joely says
February 8, 2018 at 10:15 amMy husband left 2 months ago…he was binge drinking off and on, I had told him to leave 2x prior due to it, and this last time in December he left, staying at his friend’s house and now won’t come back. Says I threw him out, but I told him to come back – he refuses. Said that he doesn’t want to go back to the way we were living – we were arguing a lot, no sex, control issues, you name it – we’ve been married for 19 years and it had been going downhill. I felt disrespected by his drinking and avoidance of me when doing so – so I became even more controlling. I realize I relied on my husband to provide happiness – when he was happy, I was…when he was mean, I was mean. I was his mirror – we never went out with friends as a couple or separately, which was not healthy. There has been very little communication since he left, and almost all has been initiated by me (insanely the first month, I was a crazy person and not proud of it). We have seen each other maybe 6x, again by me pushing it – asking for dinner, come over – not because HE set it up. So now I’m stepping out of the picture so he can see life really without me – I’m afraid he may never come back, I’m trying to work on me w/counseling, finding interests I like, going out w/friends but it’s very forced as I’m depressed and lonely inside. He has his cake and eat it too as I’m handling our home, while he’s living married but single – he hasn’t said I love you, I want to come back and work on it, nothing – he acts very uncomfortable when he’s in our home now, doesn’t even come to check for his mail, nothing – he says things will never change, I can’t come back. I would love some advice…..I feel all I have left is the no contact rule to see if he wants us enough to come back home! Even if I made changes, he won’t know as he isn’t there to see…how long is too long for a separation where you have hardly no contact by text or otherwise?
Sam Kim says
January 19, 2018 at 2:18 pmHi, This Sam. I am going through a divorce that I don’t want and I want to change my wife’s mind. We have been marring for 13years and known her for almost 20years. I tried every don’t things: begging, crying, playing a victim, promising change but it pushed her away further. I have 8 years old girl and 4years boy. I really don’t know what to do. I have been unemployed 2years and we have been using the different bedroom for about 1.5 years. She refused to try nothing, couple therapy, talk to each other she just wants a divorce and so firm. She already filed for divorce yesterday. I have 90days to finalize it. I want to save this marriage and the family no matter what. I am in deep and dark place. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.
Brian says
January 7, 2018 at 1:43 amHi my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and she has two kids a 12 year old and 11 year old I have a 4 year old and she’s pregnant with our kid together and she wanted me to start taking the medication for ADHD and I’ve been having a reaction for the last 7 months so instead of it helping me I begin more aggressive and angry and snapping at her for no reason plus she’s pregnant and she’s bipolar and can’t take her medication and we’ve been having some arguments and she pushes me that I pushed her back and I’ve walked away now gave her space and then we usually work it out but now her and hurt you or at her mom and dad’s house and I’m living at home with my son she wants she doesn’t want to talk to me and she wants space but she doesn’t want a divorce and she wants to leave it in God’s hands what should I do is it’s a hard situation and I don’t want to push and and make her not want to and she found her dad and mom says that she’s hard to live with and just give her space and and she’ll come back but I’m afraid to lose her I can’t eat really can’t sleep all I think about is her and the baby and the kids and everything any ideas on what I can do or advice on how to make things right I kind of lied about stuff cuz I got embarrassed and didn’t want to admit I would had a problem so I started lying and one line lie leads to another lie and if she doesn’t know she can trust me again what I don’t blame her any ideas and what I can do or advice and how to make things right I kind of lied about stuff cuz I got embarrassed and in a wanna meet I had a problem so I started lying and one lied why leads to another lie and she doesn’t know she can trust me again what I don’t blame her and ended ice for fights we got we we push each other and then we both leave any him back a nice day and talk but she spend gone for almost a week and a half now if anybody has any advice on what I can do please let me know
Dane says
December 13, 2017 at 1:53 amHey. My name is Dane. My wife and I have 4 boys. We have been together for 15 years and married for 11. Our eldest son 14 and we had him at the age of 19. We love eachother and have had so many good memories. About 8 years ago our 3 eldest boys were diagnosed with asd. All on different levels. It is not been easy at all to say the least. Little to no support from our families and a lot of late nights and stress. I am a very quiet person but can get angry and frustrated at times. My wife has said I can be hard to come to or communicate with when she has needed me. So anyway around 2012 my wife started talking to a guy online. An old fried from school. They messaged and called eachother for months. We were arguing a lot and she told me to move out. I moved out for 3 weeks until I found photos they were sending eachother. She was organising to meet this guy too when I moved out. I was in such a bad state and no one to talk to about our marriage. Anyway I can be jealous at times too. I feel it is both our faults for this. Anyway we sorted things out and she fell pregnant with our forth son. We really didnt sort everything out and brushed our issues to the side. Our youngest son is amazing and it gave us a lot of hope after all the fighting and nonsense. But till this day she has kept in contact with that guy and has had emotional affairs with other guys too. Behind my back. This year she has been threatening divorce constantly and is wanting space. I have never done anything behind her back but I can understand all her stress and having children so young is hard for her. Like I know she may need space but with all the other stuff she is keeping secret and even kissing another guy a few weeks back I am at the end. She says she has missed out on so much which I understand but with everything going on I had a mental breakdown and quit my job. I have another source of income but I couldnt handle anymore. I know a break or space would probably help. But I feel hurt from the lies and so forth. I want my marriage to work. We have everything but its not been an easy ride. I just feel lost. Any ideas? Please
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 26, 2017 at 12:41 pmDear Dane,
I strongly suggest you get into individual therapy to help you with all the stress you’re under and to help manage your jealousy. And…your wife’s behavior is not okay. Trusting her given the things you’re discovering would be a mistake–she’s not acting trustworthy. Given that, you also have to think about what you want to do given her actions. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and is trustworthy. I also suggest you both do couples therapy to work through the betrayal issues. In the mean time, do not smother her. Let her know that if she cheats again you will be looking into separating if necessary–and in the mean time work on you for your sake and the sake of your children.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Confused says
December 3, 2017 at 10:12 amHow do you give space to someone when there is another woman involved? I don’t know the status of the relationship between him and this other woman, whether she is just a friend for support or something more. But it makes it hard for me to give him space because I know he talks to her daily and has met her a few times. I have tried to talk to him about her and get mixed messages! He said he doesn’t know what to call their relationship, but he also said he talks to her about me! Is there a way to ask for clarification without further pushing him away and potentially into her arms?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 7, 2017 at 3:26 pmDear Confused,
Don’t tip-toe around this issue, instead simply ask him. You can say, “I’m trying to figure out what I want to do about us and whether or not I need to walk away from this relationship. I do not want to be chasing you or waiting around hoping you will want me. i especially don’t want to do this if you are involved with another woman. So my question is, are you and this other woman more than just friends and are you trying to see if that relationship is where you want to be?” If he refuses to answer than he is involved with her more than friends. In that case, step away from this relationship and get yourself strong. You don’t ever want to be someone’s second choice.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Feeling Broken says
November 16, 2017 at 8:09 amI am writing because I found your post online and I’m hoping that you can please give me some advice. It is almost Thanksgiving and about early to mid July my husband told me he wanted a divorce after several months of really bad fighting and inability to get along. I am not an easy person to get along with and I let him know this before we got married and he assured me over and over that he would work with me through my issues of insecurity and not being able to trust fully. He decided after all that he was not able to deal with the issues and there were also issues on his part of being financially controlling and unwilling to work on the marriage and go to counseling. He told me he had been shutting down for quite some time and that is why he had given up and not considered counseling even though he kept telling me that he would never leave and that he still loved me. Things just deteriorated as we weren’t really addressing any issues and it seems like neither of us were willing to budge on certain things. I would have been more inclined to make changes but he was just so stubborn and so I didn’t want to look at myself and realize that sometimes I need to be the one to change 1st.
The pain of this pending divorce has brought me so much turmoil and I just can’t seem to move ahead. I am now in some pretty heavy Counseling. I’ve also started to attend church for the very 1st time in my life and I’m ready to work on the deep issues that I have. I go to 2 separate counselors and also group therapy once a week. He keeps insisting that there is no changing his mind and that he has made a decision to move on and will not turn back now. I’ve been living with him ever since while he supports me and I am not working right now so he has not filed for divorce until I am financially stable and he says that I can move when I’m ready. I’ve been using this time to try and focus on myself especially since I have free health insurance so that I can go to counseling. I still find it very hard to move ahead or accept divorce when I see him every day and he tries to be friendly with me but makes it clear it’s nothing more than friends. I spend every morning waking up in realizing that this is my reality and it hurts every time I wake up or go to sleep at night. I keep hoping that if I become strong again and the person I know I’m capable of being that he’ll change his mind but he keeps telling me that that will never happen and so I keep falling backwards. In my heart I know that I’ll probably never move on fully if I don’t cut the cord and just move out but financially I’m not able to do so as I don’t even have a job and have been turned down for so many and I don’t even think I am emotionally capable of holding a steady job right now.
He says he still loves me but love is not enough and that he is tired of this stress and he knows things will never change and that we don’t work together and I know somewhere deep down he still has feelings but he can hide them very well and seems to be functioning very well. I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore should I stop hoping and should I give up? He told me he wants me to move on but would like to remain friends.
Sincerely,
Feeling Broken
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
November 16, 2017 at 12:15 pmDear Feeling Broken,
Your focus is almost 100% on winning your husband back; it needs to be 100% on getting yourself healthier. Work on learning to love and respect yourself regardless of whether you’re alone or with someone. Work to become strong enough to get a job so you will feel better about being able to take care of yourself. Work on getting grounded and steady so you’re not “difficult to live with”. You deserve to realize that you are worthy of a great life that is not dependent on anyone except yourself. When you no longer “need” your husband, you then create the space for a true relationship.
Continue your counseling, however, change your goal. Your goal should be to get you stronger, healthier and happily self-sufficient–not to win your husband back. If the marriage is meant to be then focusing on you will be the best chance for both of you.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Monica says
September 29, 2017 at 4:51 amMy husband tried killing himself and afterwards told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He is seeing a therapist and says he doesn’t think about killing himself anymore but is still depressed. He recently mentioned getting a divorce but still calls me baby and kisses me and says he loves me. He says he does this out of habit. We have a 1 year old and a 8 month old. I want to work on this marriage and I will admit I have done the things you said one should not do. I love him but he wants out. The kids have been our focus which I know was our down fall. We did not put our marriage first or took the time to spend with each other. We are still living together. I am lost and do not know what to do. I want things to go back to how it was. I also want him to get better for himself.
Kristin says
September 22, 2017 at 8:26 pmHi Lisa,
My husband and I have been together for 10 years married 9. Not gonna lie we rushed into things. I was pregnant when we married. We have 2 children 8 and 2. When we first got together he had overdosed and was out of the hospital and therapy for 6 months. He had a brain injury with this. He was told his brain would not heal for years. Things became physical for years. I stuck beside him and we got through that part. Everyday we argue about needs not met on both parts. For the last few years things were getting better between us. The last 6 months he has more anger twords me and left last week. He told me he was not in love with me anymore. It never hit home until I heard those words. I really want to work through this, he is my soulmate. I have begged and pleaded for him to come back which I know is bad. He will not make any kind of commitment to try and really work things out. He does not want to discuss our relationship at all. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and get over all of these obstacles learn to forgive and leave resentment behind. What should I do?
Frankie says
September 20, 2017 at 3:41 pmMy wife told me that she “loves me, but is not in love with me.” This was one week after she wrote me that I was her best friend, companion, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She is going through something…she wants to have another child (she has had 4), she wants to teach abroad (I told her I support her, and she can teach in the summers), she wanted to explore her sexuality (she is bi-sexual); I told her that I would support her exploration, however, the children and I come first. As long as she is able to give us reassurance and attention, go explore. My wife and I were friends long before we were married. She always came to me when a relationship/marriage didn’t work out (she’s been married twice, I am the third). I love my wife/friend, we have a great family. I just don’t understand what happened. I’m giving her all of the space that she needs, and I have told her that she is the one that will be making decision that affects all of us. I have moved out, and I am letting her contact me. She wrote once, a week ago “I loved you deeply…and you loved me like no other.” She’s just not feeling love for me at the moment. ~sigh~
Daniel Hughes says
September 17, 2017 at 3:48 pmHi, i have been with my wife for 9 years, and last month she said she didnt want to be with me anymore. I think she is havibg an emotional affair.
I did all the wrong things and pushed her and now she decided its over.
Is there anything else I can do to win her back?
If I give her space and not contact her might that help or has her mind been made up?
Jason Stutesmun says
October 9, 2017 at 2:44 amIt’s never over until the papers are signed. Emotions can change from day to day and your behavior is what is going to be the only the thing at this moment that will change it. Forget what you did in the past and concentrate to future. If she asks you to divorce, don’t do it. Teill her that you will have nothing to do with the further destruction of your family. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Never give up! I am fighting the same fight my friend. Fight for your marriage but fight with kindness.
Angel says
January 1, 2018 at 1:57 pmI’m going through something similar. My husband had affairs with 4 women–5 if you count the one time thing. I didn’t know about it until recently. I had an affair with this guy from work over 5 years ago; It lasted 14 months. I did it during a time that my husband was recovering from a surgery from a injury that occurred from him aggressively working out so he could look good for these women. He even spent the night with one of them. I admit I let stupid things get to me and stress me out so I would be consumed with this and not about my marriage. My husband did ask me to get help for a time. I thought I could handle things. I realize I was wrong and enrolled myself in therapy. That is when my husband asked me if I had an affair he was acting strange so started asking questions. Anyways I told him I did but didn’t tell him everything. I lied about details stupid because it wasn’t to hide anything. I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself I didn’t want to look at it. He since has been talking to women off and on. He tells me that he wants to divorce and wants me to move out. Other times he tells me he wants to make it work. I really am sorry for the affair. I love my husband very much and wish to save my marriage. I’m so lost on what to do. I’m fighting for my marriage. These women don’t even know his age, he told them he was 11 years younger than what he is. I just want to save my marriage
Nichola says
September 17, 2017 at 11:18 amHi, my husband left me and my daughter 8 weeks ago. Top and bottom we’ve realised what went wrong in our relationship and that’s communication breakdown and a lot of bickering over stupid stuff. However I do not want it to end but he does, he says he only loves me 70% and I deserve someone that loves me 100% and that he’s lost the spark to be with me for the rest of our lives. I just want a chance to prove to him we can work through these problems but he’s doesn’t want to. All he keeps saying is we will still be best friends but ultimately I know that will never work as I want more than that. I went along with it for a bit but decided to tell him that we shouldn’t be friends because I will never move on and I’m only being his friend to stay close to him. I’m scared now that I’ve made the wrong decision and lost him completely. I want him back so much and I think deep down he does but he won’t admit it. What’s the best thing I can do to try get him back? I’m trying to make myself happy and busy, but is it just a case of time will tell and he may realise what he’s lost?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 26, 2017 at 10:58 amDear Nichola,
Nice job! That was excellent self care–now trust yourself and wait. Sit back, distract yourself, hang out with friends, talk to family members, work, read…do whatever you have to in order to not contact him. Let him sit in the silence and space. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Allow the room for that to happen. And if it doesn’t happen and he doesn’t come back–move on. If you keep chasing him you open the gate for him to take advantage of you and for you to feel like crap about yourself. Don’t open that gate. Love yourself enough to be strong enough to let him go. If it’s meant to be he’ll come back and if not–work on you getting stronger.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Tony says
September 16, 2017 at 7:55 amHi, my wife and I have been married for 4.5yrs we have a 3yr old. Since having our baby our relationship has taken a turn because life got busy and we stopped focusing on us. Last year my work started working us 10-12 hrs a day, she would goto Zumba Monday Wednesday Friday and wouldn’t get home till 830, after showering we wouldn’t see each other till 930-10 and by then I was exhausted from working and taking care of the kids. I would pass out on the couch at 10 and she said after a yr of asking me to stay up that she felt neglected and wanted a seperation. We have been seperated for a month and half, I did the panicking no nos that I’m seeing and reading about like promising I’ll change texting her saying I can’t live without her. She is my best friend and was the only person I went to talk to about anything so even going a day without saying hi is a struggle. Went to the movies last night to a scary movie and started crying, I don’t know how long is too long to not text her I’m afraid she will find someone that meets her needs now, I’ve changed and want to show her but I fear distance will open the door for something else
Jana H says
November 12, 2017 at 7:39 pmI did the same thing. I did all the desperate things I shouldn’t have since he left 6 weeks ago and have started the no-contact rule as of yesterday. I have never gone more than 24 hours without hearing my husband’s voice. I did get one text thus morning saying “I am thinking about you.” But nothing since. I fear him getting used to being away and just moving on.
Syryker says
December 19, 2017 at 8:16 pmThat’s what happened to me and my wife. She got use to me not being around and moved on for good…
Leah says
September 16, 2017 at 1:13 amHi!
My fiancé and I have been together 9 years this past July. We also had our first child July 9th of this year. Last August he asked for space and didn’t really want to talk about why or for how long. We continued to live together but separately in a 2br 2ba apartment.
We agreed to work on being friends and then decide if we want to move forward with the relationship. Everything has been going great and we’ve been getting along very well. I thought the baby would shake things up but he has helped us. Our lease is up on the apartment and he wants to live separately. I made a life altering decision 2 years ago and he still resents me for it. He said he loves me and still wants to be with me but right now he wants to work on himself. He said he’s in a dark place and doesn’t like the person he’s become. He has promised that he doesn’t want to be with someone else he just wants to work on himself. I stayed at my parents for a week and began doing my own thing. I return home and now he’s started flirting with me a lot and gets curious when I have plans.
I don’t want to just act like the convo didn’t happen. He clearly needs to work things out alone. We’ve been looking for a split level home with a separate basement apartment. If that doesn’t work out I’m seriously thinking about calling it quits forever. The back and forth isn’t working for me and I can’t see him with someone else(if that happens). I want to help but I’m not sure what to make of this. He wants space but wants to ultimately be with me. He wants to live separately but spends time flirting with me. Advice please, and thanks in advance!
Louise says
September 14, 2017 at 4:28 amHi there 🙂
This is a very interesting read.
Could I have advice with my own situation please?
I had been with my partner for 9 years and we have a 6 year child together and I’m currently full term with our second.
He left around 12 weeks ago after we had an argument that I thought was little … But was obviously this was a final straw for him and his pent up feelings that I was selfishly unaware of.
I had depression very bad for years and he was amazing … I now know I have chipped away and have worn him down to the point that he said he has lost that connection with me and he doesn’t see me in “that way anymore” and only wants to be friends.
The past year he had been living in a different city as a result of work commitment and came back every weekend which were always lovely. He has depression himself where I have tried to help him but I was so concerned with my own problems that I always brushed aside his.
When he told me he was leaving I spent the next few weeks messaging him etc emotionally, dramatically, crying, pleading…the stuff that you’re not meant to do :/ and this has obviously made things worse … All I could think about was myself and the children and not his feelings. It’s only since the past month through little snippets of what he says that I have realized exactly how suffocating and negative I have been … And though he is at fault in terms of communication, the majority of this break down is me. It’s as if I can see clearly now all of the things I have put him through.
We talk on and off now … And he has spent time with me and our child quite a few times. He shows me a lot of care etc … I feel his feelings are more than what he had let on previously but I’m not going to act on my assumptions without 100 percent belief of his feelings.
We haven’t had a chance to actually sit down … And talk.
I really feel that I need to talk to him about my reflections on our past relationship … As I feel that it is something that needs to be done. I don’t want to talk to him about the issues that caused the breakdown to result in him magically saying “cool let’s get back together” because I want to talk to him about this all without their being an agenda involved on my part.
I broke his trust … And I have been applying the necessary changes to myself and am continuously improving on my issues which Im personally proud of 🙂
I think the main point of my post is to get your opinion on my situation , what I can do, and if it is possible to rekindle the relationship in the future and prove to him that I’ve changed. He is an amazing man … I love him to pieces and have gone to the point of not needing him in my life but wanting him.
Thank you in advance 🙂
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 21, 2017 at 11:16 amDear Louise,
It sounds like you’ve done great work on yourself–nice job! I’m a firm believer in listening to your wisest self and so yes I would say tell him what you’ve learned. You can lead with,”I want you to know that your leaving was a wake up call to me. Since you’ve left, I’ve realized all the things I was doing and I want to truly apologize–not because I want I’m trying to get you to come back to me–but because I’m truly sorry for…” Let him know what you’ve learned and that you have been working hard on changing yo because regardless of what happens in this relationship, you know you needed to change.
Then detach from the outcome and keep doing your work. I have seen countless relationships come back from the brink–just don’t force things or try to move too quickly. Stay the course and keep working on you.
Best of luck!
Lisa
Anita says
September 23, 2017 at 10:19 amHi Louise,
I am going thru something similar. My husband of 18 years, together 20 left me 3 weeks ago. I have OCD and with working 12 hours days, taking care of my elderly father, elderly dogs, my OCD and anxiety can really make bitchy and snappy towards my husband. Because I made him miserable. For years he says. I haven’t been able to not bug him crazy because we had discussed this approximately 2 weeks before he walked out. I talked to him about the pressure I was under (I had actually mentioned it several times but he had already shut me out. I know this because after 17 days of begging and pleading for him to give me another chance I found out he was having a”emotional affair” for the last 5 months. But anyway before I found out about this I felt I needed to tell him what I did wrong and how I knew I needed to get things under control. All this resulted in was cruel comments from him that sent my insecurities over the top. Once I found out about the “Friend” I didn’t get mad and tell him he did me wrong. No I completely freaked out and sent him hateful texts, called him repeatedly. I think what I was trying to say is we just think we KNOW THAT IF HE COULD JUST HEAR HOW SAD I AM HE’LL WANT ME BACK!!! But for some reason I am just now understanding that what he wants is to not feel the guilt, not rehash the problems. I don’t think he even wants to try now. And that is my fault. My fault for not giving him time to miss me, to miss us. I have been so worried that he would find someone else and thought if I could just convince him we could fix this. But he had someone else all along. I feel he sabotaged the marriage when he crossed that line. I begged him to be truthful about this the day he left as I knew finding out would kill me. And in a way it did but if I love him as much as I feel I do this will be something we need to get over. I am angry with him for letting me sound so pathetic and had me accepting the blame when he knew along it was him that had put this in between us. But now the playing field isn’t so uneven with me carrying all the pain because I know he is truly rethinking his decision. I don’t think he thought it through. Was it right of him to do? No he should have been coming to me with his thoughts not her. And I let him know that but if he is ever going to come back because he wants to work on the marriage then I have to be strong enough to let him make the first contact. If I don’t I am going to push him away or he will come back for the wrong reasons. And while I sound strong now I am actually battling myself to not text him because he left so abruptly and I didn’t get a chance to explain myself and feel that if he would have known that I was so receptive to a change in both of our behavior he would have came to me not her. All I can do is pray for strength to give him the space he needs to miss me and hopefully he will. So I understand what your going through just learn from me and give him space. If anyone has some good tips on how not to go crazy and call him id appreciate it them 🙁
Joey says
September 5, 2017 at 7:38 amMy have been with my wife for over 30 years, 24 married. She has checked out and told me she needed space over anger issues I had. Nothing physical just me being snippy and nasty. Prior to even knowing the problem was that bad with her, I was working on my issues when I found out about a heart issue I had.. I put together a very noticeable 6 to 7 months of not being angry. We then had an argument and I said some bad things and she checked out. It eventually lead me to leave the house which is about 10 days. I never seen my wife so angry, like she is a different person. Only because I can’t get into a routine of running from staying from one friend or family member from day to day she reluctantly agrees for me to stay in the basement and requested I limit my time coming upstairs. I agreed to give her another 2 weeks before I come home. I have in the past done all thing things above you suggested I do not do to win her back. I think her mind is made up to end this marriage for good. I have a hard time living with the guilt I was too blind to see the damage I did over the years. I am doing everything I can to work on my end,(therapy, reading books, etc). My question: Is there any amount of time I suggest to her if she would like to go to dinner or anything of that nature? I just don’t know how to show her I am changing if I am not around to show it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I am devastated.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 5, 2017 at 6:07 pmDear Joey,
My suggestion is to show up kind and loving to her whenever you see her. Come into the home, smile at her, say hello, give her a compliment and then go down stairs. Don’t try to have any long conversations–simply let her see you are showing up differently. Do these little kindness checks when you can–don’t over do them and don’t stay too long–just a quick shot so to speak. If she looks like she’s tired or stressed, do a quick check-in and compassionately ask if she’s ok (I.e.: “It seems like you had a hard day–are you okay?” If she says she has, show her empathy (“That sounds hard–I hope tomorrow is better for you”. If there’s anything i can do to help, let me know.” and then go downstairs. In essence, you want to show up loving and connected in the brief moments that you see her and then give her the space. Do this for several weeks and see how she responds.
Good luck!
Lisa
Sammy P says
September 4, 2017 at 7:00 pmI would like some advice from you guys. Me and my wife have had a pretty hard time over the past year or so. We have been together 3 and a bit years and got married 5th august 2017, we also bought a house in April. She has always had some mental problems (had anorexia when she was younger 16-19) she is 23 now and has been fine with that since we got together. She has always flown off the handle at small things but things have gradually gotten worse over time. She struggles with depression. She has always said things to hurt me in the heat of the moment but then later apologised but this has been getting worse over time. Her Grandad also passed away in June which hit us all pretty hard as we were all close. Before the wedding some of the guys got me a stripper which I didn’t want and then she found out a week and a half later she managed to get it out of me. She was upset that I hadn’t told her about it. I didn’t want anything to ruin the wedding but I know I should have told her and probably made things worse. Anyway we sorted that out kinda then we found out a week before the wedding she was pregnant! I didn’t take it that well as it wasn’t really the right time as we had always planned to wait a year or so before doing that. We looked at abortion and looked into an appointment which we couldn’t get before the wedding. We were both at work trying to work out what we would do, but I think we both knew that we would properly keep it. We said we’d talk it through later. We then met up round her parents and she told her parents and brother we were having a baby and acted like we’d keep it. I was shocked because I thought that we were going to discuss and work out what was best for us but we never had that discussion. I knew deep down that we’d keep it but still felt that was something we would have to reach the conclusion with together. I went a bit funny for a couple of days but soon got my head around it and realised we were in a pretty good situation ie house and my job was going pretty well. About a month after the wedding she has finally said she has had enough, the stripper trust issues, I have had a couple of nights out in the past few months where I have stayed out, one was when I ended up going back to my best mates with my brother and staying up drinking until 6 in the morning. I was so ill the next day that I couldn’t pick her up from the train station with her friends and so let her down then. I know I have made some poor decisions but I would never cheat on her and she means everything to me. She has been staying at a friend’s house for the past week and I have met up with her a few times to try and talk it through. I’ve promised her so many times that now I know she’s pregnant I can change and make sure I look after her. I have been very supportive to her over the years what with her insecurities with anorexia and her body, and how supportive I was when her grandad was very ill in hospital. I feel she needs to give me the chance to be a a good dad and husband. She tells me to stop bugging her and give her space but feel so useless if I don’t message her asking her to give me one last chance. We met up tonight and I was balling my eyes out and so was she. She says it’s over etc I just don’t know where to go from here, I’m not all bad and I love her immensely and just want to prove her wrong for our marriage and our baby.
Barrett says
September 12, 2017 at 3:22 amI am experiencing something similar, fortunately my wife of 8 yrs has not committed to actually leaving. But we are still struggling. I have the same tendency to constantly text her. And have been really really looking for answers. And the best thing I can tell you, and I need to listen to my own words…. Stop texting/calling her. If you want to be married for the rest of your life, taking a week to give her the space she needs doesn’t seem like that bad in the long run!!!
Melissa says
September 4, 2017 at 2:22 pmI am in need of serious advice. My husband and I split up a year ago. We have been married 16 years. We have 5 children; mine, his, and ours. They are teens and older.
We had a lot on our plates. I pushed him away and even cheated at one point. I feel and still feel terrible about it. Our marriage was not always perfect and lots of fights.
Last year we got Into a huge fight. I packed his stuff and took it to his sister’s, he said he was done. I wasn’t done. I was just tired of the fighting. He immediately had a new girlfriend that he has been seeing this whole time. She is 25. He is 40.
One minute he wants a divorce, the next minute he tells me he needs space, then tells me he doesn’t know what he wants, or that he is just under a lot of stress and needs time to work things through. I have gone through so many emotions, yelling at him, crying, begging, and asking for him to please work on our marriage. I felt bad for my past mistakes and not being a good wife. I loved him and I’m willing to do anything to have a happily ever after with him. He still talks to me when I reach out and even has sex with me sometimes. We had sex last night, but I know he is going to see her today and it’s breaking my heart. I last heard that she gave him a choice, her or me. Please tell me what I need to do. I’m so lost.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 5, 2017 at 6:21 pmDear Melissa,
Sleeping with your husband while he is sleeping with another woman will kill your self-esteem and his respect for you. You need to do what the other woman is doing–he needs to choose. As long as he can have both of you he is likely to do so. You never should have cheated…and you should not be okay with him doing what he’s doing either. Get professional help to work through why you cheated and why you’re accepting what he’s doing. you will not have a healthy relationship doing either of these moves. You both deserve to be treated well and not have a third party hanging over your heads.
Love yourself enough to set limits,
Lisa
KW says
September 3, 2017 at 6:36 pmGreat article, and relevant to my situation. We have been married for almost 20 years. I have had a 6 month emotional affair (non-sexual) which ended in February this year. We both went to relationship counselling but I contacted the other party again in July. Final straw for my wife. She says she loves me but doesn’t know if I can be trusted ever again. I have been to individual therapy and am now much better able to say I want to keep my marriage. However, my wife wants space and asked me to leave for 2 months to see how she thinks about me. Should I leave?
Katy says
September 2, 2017 at 11:32 pmMy husband and I are together for 4.5 years and we have 3 beautiful children. (3.5, 1.5 and 8 months)
You can tell that those little ones are a crazy amount of work. Ever since my first I am dealing with post partum depression and I feel like my husband doesn’t care. I ask for help, he leaves the house for work, I am crying he says don’t be so negative, I wanna leave the house to go shopping he makes a scene (why now, can’t that wait, bring the kids etc)
The more I ask for help the more he is out the door. But I need help. I am falling appart. I do laundry, cooking, cleaning,kids, I have two jobs, yard work and the maintenance around the house. I do pretty much everything. And he works. Everything else is too much cause he needs to relax once in a while. How can I make him wanna help me. I am so scared that if I act like I don’t need him he will say: yesterday you were fine with it why not today?
Intimacy is history ever since baby 1 what bugs me a lot. I am not what he wants I guess. How does he want me without me loosing myself?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 5, 2017 at 6:25 pmDear Katy,
You have to back your words up with actions. Go on strike if you have to; tell him you’re not happy in this marriage; ask him to get into couples work with you; get into individual therapy and tell him you’re doing it because you’re unhappy and are determined to make changes to get happy. Sit down and decide what you’re willing to do and then do it. Be clear with him and then take your own steps to follow through. Stop trying to get him to show up differently and instead start backing up your words with actions. You can’t change him but you can change how you respond and what you accept. For your sake and your children’s, stop accepting the unacceptable.
You deserve more–know that and own that.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Jocelyn says
December 2, 2017 at 6:47 pm“Stop trying to get him to show up differently and instead start backing up your words with action.” What a great piece of advice. For years I tried to fix things. Different ideas, different books, different exercises I read about, etc. A few years of thIs kept me busy, too busy to really examine my own needs. I’ve had to fill that vacuum. Then he wanted to leave. I felt betrayed. I drew two lines in the sand. The first was the reality that it coild be over. Facing that. Accepting the worst case scenario. This is when I realized that I would be okay. I was not so sure about him. He was kind of a mess. Angry. Not sure what he wanted. Lost. I was the anchor, and now I might not be. It shook him up. My second line in the sand was complete and total rage. It was empowering not to be the diplomat, the fixer. It said, “No. I deserve more.”
Today we are still together. It’s about our values: Starting with our friendship, what we want out of life, kids, how we see ourselves, fighting for it and not expecting Easy Street.
We have tools, learned through couples counseling and coaching. Took 2x to find right person.
It’s been an effort. Time, healing, meditation, an epiphany every now and then. I remember quickly. I forget slowly. I dislike him sometimes. I love him sometimes, but never like before – not with a desperation bordering on codependence. I am learning to trust again, both myself and him. I work daily on focusing on the positives and honoring myself first.
Ryan says
August 25, 2017 at 9:26 amI’ve seen some great advice and comments posted here. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married 6, we have a beautiful 4 year old child. She and I have had some ups and downs. We started out great, fire, fun, happiness, talking, building. Our first 4 years together were great! We then had our child in 2013. Before that, she and I had serious issues in the bedroom. She just ‘isn’t wired that way’. It caused a lot of fights and hurt and anguish. In 2014, after our daughter was born, she lived in her phone. It was like facebook was her life (still is today!) I had no attention. I cooked, cleaned, worked, took care of the house, did everything. I didn’t mind it because I’m the person that loves to take care of his family. However, in 2014, I hit a breaking point. I felt completely neglected and pulled away, I checked out. I thought it was just life, but in reality it was depression. We filed for divorce she moved out. I dated someone very briefly in that time, very toxic, very rebound. I also told her that I did this.. A few months later, I withdrew the divorce, she moved back in and we were fine. late 2015, it happened again. My attorney advised me to refile as we the had significant income disparity but I didn’t want to. I did but; we both sought out therapy, I made huge strides, identified my depression and fixed it. We have been good ever since…until a few weeks ago. She has been cold, not receptive to love, not receptive to touch. She basically told me I’m the perfect husband but she doesn’t know if she can do this anymore because she’s living a lie and isn’t sure she’s in love with me anymore. She doesn’t have those feelings despite loving me and caring for me. I first thought affair because all the signs were there but that’s not her speed. As of today it’s yo-yo. She wants space but then kisses me goodnight. The “I Love you”;s continue. She has refused couples counseling because she is “checked out” and also refuses individual counseling.
I just don’t know how to save this. I need to. For me, us and our kiddo.
Vern says
September 1, 2017 at 11:44 amSorry your hurting. That sounds awful. Perhaps your wife has a lot of lingering questions in her own heart. My advice is to keep reassuring her if the love you have for her. Remind her of all the good things you see in her. There’s nothing more uplifting than a husband encouraging his wife. I hope things start to take an upswing for you guys. Marriage is hard.
Ryan says
September 8, 2017 at 8:11 amUnfortunately, we are divorcing. Her feelings weren’t entirely honest. I got “lucky” and a good friend caught her cheating with a man that I knew. She had been sneaking around for weeks.
Divorce is imminent. We’ve already drawn up the paperwork. She has blamed me saying that if I didn’t leave, none of this would’ve happened. My question is; why did she come back?
It hurts. It destructively hurts.
W says
August 15, 2017 at 9:14 amIt’s been two weeks since my husband decided that he wanted to stay until tax season returned and then we would go our separate ways which is pretty far from now. I’m trying to save our marriage because we have A 1 year old daughter. I went drinking one night and my husband found text messages of betrayal but nothing happened. I was in counseling so kept saying, “No I have a family, I must think of my daughter first– maybe some other time.” I didn’t get to see the text messages in time when I woke up and my husband already read them before I could delete them. It wasn’t what I wanted and obviously I had conflicts of saying no. It’s only been two and a half weeks since this incident has happened he is now sleeping on the couch while I sleep in the bedroom with our daughter. I do not want to lose my husband. I don’t know what to do or how to act. We are acting civil and he’s been asking me a bunch of questions like how was my day, what movie are you watching… but he has asked me not to ask anything about getting back together. He has even packed his stuff and left once. He then came back and apologized for his actions. I do not know how to approach him. I do not know what I can do to make him love me again. I’m trying to find school. I also started working to better myself to prove myself but I don’t think it’s possibly enough.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 28, 2017 at 1:42 pmDear Sarah,
Go to your husband and apologize for what you did. Let him know you are truly sorry and that you’re willing to do whatever you can to help him trust you again and to save your marriage. Stay in counseling and discover why you are looking to men for attention. Cheating is never the answer–not to help booster your self-esteem, not to help you feel loved or to help you feel better about yourself. Let this be a wake up call to you so you can provide a solid home for your daughter.
Warmly,
Lisa
Jay says
August 14, 2017 at 12:15 amThank you for this article. It helps me not lose hope. It is almost 2 months ago that my wife moved in with her parents and took our son. On Fathers Day she said she wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore. The next day, she took our son and moved in with her parents. Since then, she has made a list of things she wants, and brings up when she wants them.
Last week we saw a therapist. The therapist said we can definitely work through this and that we obviously love each other and our son. She also named some negative things about how a divorce effects children. Yesterday my wife told me that she felt that the therapist was trying to manipulate her. She added that she is not interested in a relationship.
Yes, I work a lot, yes I should have found a way to give her more time and feel more special. Honestly, I do the best that I know how. I love her, I love my son, and that’s how I keep hope, even though all of her signals say she had no interest in me. I often feel down because something happens that I want to tell her about, but I know she doesn’t want to hear from me, or I look forward to going home from work, and then remember she won’t be there and isn’t coming home.
She gets very defensive and looks for reasons to be mad at me.
I need advice, I need direction, and don’t know what to do.
Sean says
August 21, 2017 at 2:13 amDang I’m almost in same boat but I have been doing everything this page says not to do and I knew not to but it’s hard when. Giving her the space like she wants she has used to go out and tell people we are separated or not come home but turn off the phone so she can’t be bothered but I can’t fully trust her when she leaves with the kids if she is also going out. It’s rough and I’m a mess right now.
Vern says
September 1, 2017 at 11:49 amI’m in a similar boat as well, but I’m the wife. I’ve done some of the things this page says not to do. When you are married, it binds you to that person in so many ways, especially when you have kids. I’ve fought for him and tried to tell him I love him, etc. He’s so cold and callous towards me, it feels like he will never love me the way a husband should.
It’s very heartbreaking to try to hold things together and give your all, when you feel like your spouse wants out.
Gladys Benjamin says
September 12, 2017 at 7:02 pmA marriage is not for divorce so Give your marriage to God he will work it Out
Bee says
August 1, 2017 at 2:03 pmMy husband and I have been married for a little over 11 months. I cry and get mad out of frustration because all I ask from him is attention and love. I don’t mind helping financially or doing all the house work. I don’t mind him going out. I just want to feel special and loved. But for the last few months I just argue and cry. He tells me if I don’t calm my attitude he wants out. But I also want him to try harder in this marriage, I feel like I have been carrying all the weight and putting effort from both parts. I always have to sacrifice and compromise. He holds back on being intimate with me when he’s mad. Yet when I am mad, I come home and surprise him with gifts. I still do all my wife roles. We have been seeing a counselor for the last two months. I really want this marriage to work but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like he’s only been putting in the very minimal effort. He always complains it’s my attitude. But even when I don’t show my attitude or anything for 2-3 weeks he still shows no effort in this marriage. Does he not love me?
Jenelle says
August 18, 2017 at 11:11 amYour story resonates with me. I have been with my husband for 9 months. I have some fairly significant anxiety issues, and my husband is very emotionally repressed. I try to hold out hope that we will work this out, but am losing hope. He is going to therapy with me and is trying to change his reactions to be less toxic. I feel as if we have let many issues build up in our relationship without ever resolving them. He says many of the issues we have I bring up over and over again, but I feel that the reason I keep bringing them up is that they never get resolved. I’m trying to learn to appreciate the progress we have made but it’s hard when I can barely feel the love that brought us together.
Jairo Renteria says
June 29, 2017 at 5:44 pmAbout a month ago I started seeing a man name pop up on my wifes snapchat – I questioned her about it and she said he was a new friend at her work and they just talk abut work and life. I let it go as I trust her. Well his name started populating more frequent and started making me feel uncomfortable if it was just about work it should not be brought home at night or early in the morning on the weekends. After a few weeks I found out he called her at midnight on a Friday night – and other times after work. She started telling me she was working late and would show up 1 hour after work – I let it go as I thought more money for us. She started going to the gym late at night like she never has before. Well after a while I got suspicious and approached the guy at her work and told him I was not comfortable with him texting my wife – he told me he did not want to make me feel uncomfortable and would leave her alone. Well he went and told my wife and in which turn she blew up on me and argued and said I need to move out the house and she wants to be separated – I didn’t at first. After a week she took off her ring and told me we are officially done. She can’t file for divorce as we are going through legal stuff, although she said if she could she would. In hopes to save my marriage I left our home and went to live with my parents for 2 1/2 weeks – I tried to give her space as she wanted but soon found out she has been going to the gym with this new friend of hers. They started being better friends on social media as well. I came back home last week and told her I am not going no where as I want to be in our home and I’m not giving up on our marriage and our 2 boys. I am currently sleeping in guest bedroom in the basement. I am trying to give her space but same time show her I want to fight for us – she told me she will start looking for apartments (even though I think she says some things out of spite and try to hurt me and brake me to make me mad/test me) Now she is leaving when I get home and early in the morning to the “gym” – At this point I don’t know if she is going through a phase and I need to tough it out or give up on our marriage and tell her to leave – even though she said she won’t because that is her house. She went through a few weeks telling me to leave her alone and to get out of her life and she will get a restraining order on me or throw my stuff out the house if I came back home – although past week or so even though she is leaving we have been more civil around one another, although I Have NOT pushed to tell her or show her I want her I have mentioned “I am here for our marriage” – as I am not trying to frustrate her by my words but rather pull her back in with my actions around our house. We have been together for 10 years (She was 15 I was 16) married for almost 3 years in August. We have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. I want to save our marriage – I feel she is just in a phase? Any advise would help at this point.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 11, 2017 at 12:51 pmDear Jairo,
It sounds like you’re doing a good job trying to show her with your actions not words that you want the marriage. Unfortunately though, it also sounds like she’s having an affair. If she’s having an affair you have to decide if you would still want this relationship. If she is in an affair, you are in an uphill battle. I wouldn’t pursue her in any way if she’s in an affair and instead would set firm limits. Have an honest conversation with her about your suspicions. Let her know you love her and want your marriage but not if she is involved with someone else.
Don’t settle for someone who is choosing someone else. You deserve better than that. Either she ends the relationship with the other guy or you separate. Even if she ends it, you then have to decide if you want to work the relationship.
Best of luck!
Lisa
LS says
June 14, 2017 at 8:52 amMy wife told me she didn’t love me anymore earlier this year and moved out last month. I have been doing everything possible to try and help her understand that families don’t just walk away from each other without making an effort, especially when you have young kids. When I see her and try to bring it up, she treats me like I don’t matter and is convinced that she is not hurting her family because in her words, the kids are her family. She wants me to leave her alone and I try but it’s so hard. In my brain, I’ve convinced myself that she wants me to leave her alone and it will not do me any good as I’m just giving her what she wants and hoping that she will come back. What should I do ?
Cassie says
July 19, 2017 at 3:56 pmTrust me on this, don’t chase her. I know it goes against all of our natural instincts. We are hard wired to communicate with the person that we love. When they push us away, we want them to know how much they’ve hurt us. It’s only human. But it reinforces our “weakness” in their eyes. We’re “pitiful”. They want to be left alone.
I come at this situation from the same side as you. The spouse left behind. Not once, but twice now by the same man. You would’ve thought I’d learned my lesson. My husband left me in 2008 for someone he met online. I stupidly took him back. He announced just a few days ago that he’s leaving again. If I had it to do all over again, I would’ve left him standing on the street corner where I last saw him before I took him back. The months after the first time were an indescribable heartbreak, and I’ve done this to myself again.
If you really want her back, don’t chase her. She has your number.
Jay says
August 14, 2017 at 12:20 amHow are things now? Sounds similar to my situation, but started with you a month before me. Mine happened on Father’s Day.
Mon says
May 20, 2017 at 7:12 amMy husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 7, this past week he has left me saying he is at the end of his rope with me. I have over exaggerated and lied to mask my own lack of responsibility and lived in a bubble where I didn’t grow up. We still talk everyday and he tells me he will always care and love me but he can not come back from asking for a divorce. He will not go to counselling as he has told me he has given me many chances to come clean. He wants me to check in with him every day and tell.him how I am doing but told me he will never be my husband again. We have never cheated or have any kids, I am trying desperately to let him see I have changed and will never go back to how I was
What am I suppose to do?
Joe burka says
May 11, 2017 at 6:33 amMy wife had a text affair with her second cousin. This started after my father died and I lost my career due to an accident at work. I did check out and she said that was the reason for her needing attention somewhere else. I fell into a deep depression and could not support my family due to my inability to work. My wife has major OCD also and the most minuscule things that my children and I do will drive her insane and aggravate her to biligerent levels. ( she’s had this since I met her, her dad has it bad and so does her mom)She’s been stressed out about everything and keeps telling me she’s leaving but when shes ready or my lawsuit comes through and she gets her half. We’ve gone through a lot and she blames me for most of it. There’s way to much more to type I got a small comp settlement and while it lasted things were getting better but as soon as the money ran out she started again.
Money can’t buy happiness,
But not having enough to support yourself can cost you misery.
Staci says
May 9, 2017 at 12:52 pmI had been contemplating asking my husband for a divorce for a few months. I finally asked him for one end of April. He asked me why, if I was serious and if this was what I really want. All three times I said yes it’s what I want. I convinced myself that there was no other way, when in reality all I wanted was for him to say no, we are not doing this. We are getting help and going to work on this. I didn’t get what I really wanted I got what I didn’t want. I tried to manipulate a reaction that I dreamed of. I failed I lost. A day later he told the children we were getting divorced and moved out. I really don’t want to get divorced and told him this. He now wants the divorce says there is no changing his mind now. He gave me three chances to change mine in two days since I told him I wanted divorce. The papers have already been filed. I am lost in such despair and grief for what I have done to my family. I want my husband back. I want the father of my children back! I was horrible to him for years. I put my mother before him on a lot of occasions. We are both no saints. He was unfaithful in our marriage twice. Yet I dont have any blame for him. I forgive him. He’s the love of my life we have been married for 16 years. I don’t want to give up on us. I have faith there can be an us again stronger then before. We lacked communication which is something that can be changed. He still says no. Says he doesn’t want to hurt anymore and doesn’t want to hurt me either. This here is killing me. In any relationship your going to hurt each other, words spoken or unspoken. It’s getting through and working on those that make it. My husband is worth so much more then I showed him. I only hope I get one more chance to show him how much he is worth to me. I don’t want to throw a 16 year marriage away. I’m lost as what to do.
Ryan says
May 19, 2017 at 1:43 pmI’m sorry to hear about what’s happening to you, and just like you I too told my wife I wanted a divorce after she moved out (long story short version: wasn’t because she wanted to be away from me but when the economy went South we had to sell our house and move in with my family, and there’s tension between her and them and she said she couldn’t live there anymore) I gave her the ultimatum to come back or I’d file. I too wanted her to say no and that she loved me etc, but she didn’t and I believe she thought I didn’t want to be with her. Instead of what I wanted to happen, she got involved with another man and is living with him not 3 miles from my house. I still haven’t filed or given up, and she hasn’t filed either but it’s been over 2 years now. Funny, I told her why I said those things because I was Insecure and seeking validation of her feelings, and she doesn’t believe me. Good luck, and I will be praying for you and your family every day.
Katlyn Williams says
May 24, 2017 at 9:32 pmSo what ever happened?? Update??
Staci says
October 10, 2017 at 1:59 pmDivorce was cancelled. We are trying it all again. Therapy, dates, everything. The communication is astounding now.
Jason says
June 12, 2017 at 1:58 pmDid you genuinely feel cold, angry, detached? My wife says she doesn’t want to try anymore. She threatened divorce cuz I told her I wanted to move back in and try. She says she needs space but she’s using it to detach, not to think about us or to miss me. Do I just stay away and let her slowly kill off her love or should I tell her NO, we’re going to fix this? She has said several times, “what if things don’t change?” but she won’t let me come home to work on it. Do you have any advice?
Doug says
May 7, 2017 at 4:43 pmMy wife of 24 years is leaving me this week. She said she was only in it for the kids and now that their both in college she’s leaving. She was suprised that I did not think ending our relationship was for the best. We have grown apart over the years and I knew it and should have done something to improve it but just froze instead. I have been trying most of what your article says and I have researched and learned a lot about myself and relationships and I’m more than ever committed to saving ours. She recognizes this but is still moving out for time to herself and space. Tough to not let my thoughts wonder like wondering if when she is out will the next thing be a letter from a lawyer. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Gwen says
May 5, 2017 at 1:13 amI have been with my partner for 13 years and he recently had an emotional affair. We have been trying to work through it. Some days are better than others. Of course my self esteem took a hit when this happened and i have been honest when it comes to my feelings. I feel as though even though we discussed what we both need to work on. I feel he doesn’t seem to put in the effort. Sometimes in my head I’m like why do i have to intiate these sensative conversations. Then of course that leads back to the emotional affair cause he could confide in someone else and not me. One of my issues is feeling abandoned and so I’m not wanting space. We have 2 children who have also started to feel that dad is distant. How do we cope if he wants space but we feel thats what led to us feeling abandoned?
Neo says
April 25, 2017 at 9:14 amMy husband cheated with a colleague that I knew and a child resulted out of it. I only found out about it after a lady posted his picture on Valentine’s day. We have been trying to work things out and he has told me and his family that it’s me he wants and he had no intention of marrying her. However he requested time to gradually end things with her as he doesn’t want to be denied access to see his child. He is very supportive and he does answer whatever question I ask about the affair. The pain though is too much and there are times when I feel like packing my things and leaving him. I really don’t know what to do.
Joanna says
April 25, 2017 at 9:11 amMy husband and I have been married for 12 years. After a big argument 2 weeks ago (somehow related to Facebook and the attention to female friend), he decided to separate as he did not like me questioning him on what he called innocent posts and the fact he was trying to be a supportive friend. Our marriage has not been great for a while, as his constant anger, frustration and negativity about everything has continuously shut me down. When he decided to move to the basement, it was a shock for me. But the challenge of living in the same house is needed, as I lost my job the week prior. Since separated he seems to be doing all the things he can to make me mad, justifying he is separated (I don’t believe there is a 3rd person involved), but still eats the dinner I cook, and expects me to take care of the lawn while he is at work. He has barely made an effort to spend time with our own daughter, who is 11, and I feel this is hurting her a lot. The first week separated I was a mess, cried all the time, asked him to end, poured my heart out to him, and he was unchanged (I realize this action was a big mistake and probably made him less attractive to me). Yesterday, was the first day I actually felt good about myself and did not cry, and when I told him that, I feel he was disappointed I was not sad, and this has made him even more angry with me. I really feel I need to be ready for the worst and get my emotions prepared. If he really wants to make things work, why is he doing everything he can to hurt my feelings at the time I am at my lowest? I’m afraid this will be the most difficult thing to overcome in this counseling process.
Alejandro says
May 12, 2017 at 12:26 pmHi,
It’s interesting; I’m going thru the same thing. My wife left the house on Jan of this year. I’ve been attending counseling and going to church. I’ve been working on me for me because all she says is, I’m good, I’m happy, I don’t have un-necessary stress.
Jeff Windsor says
April 21, 2017 at 10:42 pmHi,
This is a first for me. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. In the beginning kids was never an issue even though I had a 3 year old when we got together from a previous relationship. 7 years ago she got pregnant, but miscarried about 2 months in. We were devestated. We were unable to conceive since. Every couple years the topic would come up and then go away with a conversation. We continued to try up until a little over a year ago. It was at that time we were living apart temporarily and I promised her I would do whatever was necessary to make this happen. I went in and was tested and was determined to not have “what it takes ” to get pregnant naturally that we would need ivf. I promised her that I would make it happen. Fast forward a year to current and she has all but divorced me. A month ago she stopped sleeping in our bed and blamed my snoring. Now, she is staying with her mom and is asking for space and to talk with our therapist Monday. She doesn’t know that I’ve saved and planned to cover almost all of the procedure costs , and she won’t talk to me. I love her so much and would do anything to save this 15 year marriage. What can I do. Her reasoning for leaving is that she’s numb, and her hope is dead. I will never stop trying to make her smile. Please help me. Thank you in advance for any advice. If you ask how I know I love her it’s because my very soul aches at the thought of losing her. I married my best friend and the love of my life. It hasn’t been a bed of roses but I would never give up on “us”
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 25, 2017 at 6:49 pmJeff,
I’m so sorry about your struggles with having a child. IVF is a very difficult process filled with many ups and downs. I would ask your wife if she would be willing to do some couples work with you so you both can work through this issue together. Have you discussed adoption or other options? Perhaps you can ask her mother to talk to your wife about doing therapy. In the mean time, tell her you lover her and are there for her. Give her some space while she’s at her moms and try to get some help.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Andi says
April 19, 2017 at 3:44 pmMy husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn’t know how he feels about me, he says he feels blank. Then a few days ago he told me he misses me but not us. I am in limbo and devastated. He has not left and is still at home and I am trying to give him space but there is now an awkwardness between us and I am walking on eggshells. If he is not working he is finding an excuse to go out with his friends so I am on my own a lot with all these thoughts and feelings to process and am not coping. He has promised me he is not having an affair or met someone else. How do I even start to try and get things back on track and salvage our relationship if he has shut me out and is avoiding speaking to me about what has caused him to feel like this? I love him very much, we have young children and I want to save my marriage, this totally blind sided me and come out of the blue but he says he has been feeling like this for a while. Is there anything I can do to save my relationship?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 1, 2017 at 7:55 pmDear Andi,
First trust that you will be okay and do whatever you need to do to get support during this difficult time. Around your husband be strong. Don’t chase him, cry a lot around him or plead with him to talk to you about the relationship. Be kind to him but not overly kind. Be curious about how his day was but not too curious. Show him that you are doing ok. Tell him that you need some time to process what’s going on with the two of you and will need him to stay home with the kids one night a week or a few hours on the weekend so you can go out and have time to yourself to decide what you want to do. Then get out of the house. Go to a book store, a park, a friend’s house–anywhere that you can have some time to yourself and feel some support. Do this GUILT FREE. Your children will benefit by seeing you take care of yourself. It’s also important that fathers spend alone time with their children–it’s a win-win. If he says no, then get a baby sitter or ask a friend to help. Show your husband with your actions that although you love him and would like for the marriage to work, you don’t “need” him in order to be okay. When your husband realizes that you are okay and don’t need him, he is more likely to want you to want him. Unfortunately spouses can take one another for granted when they think the person can’t live without them or they see the person as needy. Be strong in front of him. Get all the support you need and don’t ever forget that you deserve to be in a loving marriage with someone who wants to be there. Try these steps for at least a month and let me know what happens.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Andi says
May 10, 2017 at 5:48 pmThank you Lisa. I am trying to stay strong but he has now told me that he is getting money together to get his own place and move out in the next few weeks as he no longer sees any chance of mending our marriage. Is it too late or do I have to let him go in the hope he one day realises all he will lose and come back. I am in panic mode now as I just don’t want you lose him.
Som says
May 22, 2017 at 3:45 pmAndi, I’m in a similar situation as you. My husband says, there is no one but he needs space and its been like that for a few months. Even before he told me, I knew something is up but thought it could be the work stress. Anyway, its very hard to go through this. Hang in there !!
Lisa, Thank you for the Comments on how to handle. I was even thinking of Leaving him or moveinf out for few months but for my kids I want to stay (since they don’t know whats going on) but everyday its very very hard on me.
Tammy Roberts says
July 19, 2017 at 3:05 pmMy husband has also told me the same thing, about a few weeks ago, that he needs space, I think my insecurities and making him feel guilty for wanting to spend time with his friends. Probably nagging too much, we have been married 20 yrs and 2 kids. I finally after pouring my heart out and crying and being scared and stressed, wrote him a letter and I read it to him out loud, and what I said was that I understand you need space, just let me know how much space and for how long. That I didn’t want to smother him, that I would spend this time to reflect on being a better wife, and that I felt like 20 yrs and 2 kids deserved a chance. It was longer than that but you get it. He was more receptive to me after that letter. Now, he still wants sex but seems to be on his terms and I give in because I feel that helps us stay close. I have read on a few different sites that I should not text him unless he texts me or calls me, of course unless I need something because we do have kids. So he is off at a class this week, I sent him a few texts but only got short responses and then after I read that today I havent’ sent him a text all day and he finally sent one around lunch saying he doesn’t have good signal where he is at. So I just said ok and will leave that alone unless he texts me back. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is killing me every second. But as I read I am understanding this is what I have to do. I have no idea what the future holds but I am going to be optimistic. He says he has fallen out of love with me just a little where his words. He says he still loves me. He says he doesn’t want to be with anyone else or go anywhere else. So I am hoping if I lay off of him and just let him take the reigns then things will work out. So any further suggestions for me would be appreciated.
Angela says
July 24, 2017 at 11:06 pmMe too. My husbands says he needs space not to talk to me or see me. I don’t know what he means, but as he said he doesnt want to talk to me. Maybe he needs alone time cause I caused him to feel suffocated? What should I do? I get paranoid. What if this time giving him space is wrong? I’m doomed
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 4, 2017 at 2:06 pmDear Angela,
You need to work on loving yourself. Stop looking to him to help you feel good or okay. It is your job to feel good about yourself. He should only add to your life save your life. Take the time apart to learn to accept yourself, get emotionally stronger and to get into therapy to work on self esteem issues. Poor self-esteem will leave you looking to others to make you feel okay about yourself–and then others will never be able to give you enough reassurance or attention for you to believe that you’re lovable. Don’t chase him to reassure you he loves you. Learn to love yourself first. Without this, no romantic relationship will work.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Yafre says
April 19, 2017 at 2:39 amHello,
My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years we are in our early 20’s. We have two children, and he has told me many times that we are not compatible. When I was pregnant with our second child he left to live somewhere else, because we don’t agree on anything or we can’t stand to be around each other. That time I was begging and crying for him to come back. He came back home after a month because his mom spoke to him to try to fix our marriage. Even though he came back he has been in a careless feeling about our relationship. He was never lovable or anything he just wanted to act like friends. A year has passed from when he came back and now he left again. This time I was the one telling him to leave all the time because he just wanted to live as friends with benefits for him. I’m not sure if I should have kicked him out or let him stay? I just want him to come back but I don’t want to force him either to come back to me. I now ignore his calls or text messages when he asks for the kids, because I feel like he only cares for himself and doesn’t think about each other and our family. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 20, 2017 at 7:07 pmDear Yafre,
My suggestion is that you ask him to go to marriage therapy with you. Walking away from three children and a wife without doing any therapy to try to fix it is not fair to the kids. If he refuses to do couples work with you then let him go. You deserve to be with someone who loves you not just be with someone who puts up with you. I would however, not block him from seeing his children–that is not fair to him or your children. Answer his texts and let him see the kids–they should not have to pay for their parent’s struggles. Don’t ever use children as punishment and don’t ever block access to their father unless he is abusive to them.
If he refuses to go into couples work with you, get into individual therapy for yourself so you can heal the pain of him leaving without chasing him to come back.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Joe says
April 17, 2017 at 7:27 amMy wife let a man fondle her in a hallway at work. She held it for 3 months before telling me. This wouldn’t be as bad if she didn’t push me away in Texas. She is doing things to get me back , but only after I do all the convincing. I know the whole story about what happened but I can’t get over the fact that this is the second time pushing me away but the first time cheating.
I love her!! This is the only person who melts my heart. I have ruled from the streets to prison. Changed my life around to love her!!! To be pushed away twice hurts. What do a do? Do I stay and make it work or do I go? She is on a waiting list for help and marriage counseling for the both of us. I am confused and hurt!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 18, 2017 at 9:52 amJoe,
I suggest you have a conversation with your wife and ask her what she is feeling. Don’t angrily attack her because she is turning you away–ask why–and do so with curiosity not aggression. Also ask what happened with the other man. Is she having an affair? Did she not know how to say no? Is she attracted to him? Find out what’s going on under the surface. Is she upset with you about something but too afraid to tell you? is she happy in the marriage? If you really want a loving relationship then you have to take the time to understand what’s going on. This could be an opportunity for both of you to become closer if you dare to take the time to slow things down and get curious not angry.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Laura says
April 19, 2017 at 5:01 pmHi Lisa,
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, 9.5 married, and have three children. About 6 months ago, he informed me he was unhappy. This was after I noticed and asked him what was wrong several times. He wasn’t forthcoming. I have tried everything to fight for our marriage including small ways to show my love and appreciation for him. During these past 6 months, he has gone back and forth mentally about being done, not being done. Two weeks ago, he told me he was feeling better, but still struggling and then 5 days after that, said we are done and found an apartment. He moves out tomorrow. I love this man and I know he loves me, but he says he is done and nothing will change it. I have done the wrong thing by begging him and trying to remind him of good times, even though I know it pushes him further. I just feel panicked. Part of our history is, he had an affair about 1.5 years ago and he begged me to forgive him which I did. Part of my anger and hurt is, why was he good enough and I am not? Why can’t he give me and our marriage another chance when I did? We have 12 years total and 3 children to think of! Is there anything I can do or is all hope lost since he’s moving out and says he is done?
Stephen says
April 9, 2017 at 8:19 pmMy wife and I have been together for 8 years and have two kids aged 7 and 3. A year and a half ago she had a one-night affair that I found out about. She begged me not to leave her and we went to counseling and things seemed to be getting better. Then out of the blue 6 weeks ago she said she wanted to separate because she was unhappy, wasn’t sure if she was still in love with me and needed time to figure things out. She is the main breadwinner in the family and has the more stressed job between the two of us but I tried to take up more of the familial duties to balance things out though maybe not enough. I was very happy in my marriage, our sex life was good and we were building a nice life for our family. I am fairly certain she is not having an affair but I guess I can never be certain. I have moved out of the house and trying to start a new life for me and my kids but still feel like what we had as a family is worth fighting for. Am I being naive or dumb in thinking this?
Stephen says
May 16, 2017 at 8:17 pmSo I have since found out she had been seeing another guy from work. She says it was nothing serious, that she just like having the attention. After a couple of months she looked up and realized that she has been spending so much time focused on her job and this guy that she hadn’t noticed her life was actually falling apart. That she was unhappy, her kids were unhappy and I was no longer a part of her life. She says she loves me and was never in love with this other guy. Part of me really wants to work things out. I had been happy with her and with our family before I found out about all of this but now, having been on my own for several months, I have my doubts. Our lives will definitely be more complicated apart, sharing custody, going through divorce and all of the associated things, but I don’t know if I can trust her and wonder if we really had grown further apart before our separation than I had realized. How would you go about trying to figure out if It is worth working to repair what has been broken?
Gale says
April 4, 2017 at 5:36 pmMy husband and I have been married 3 years– together 6. We started having problems a few years ago with communication and sexually as well. At first I just thought it was me so we tried talking and it didn’t get us any place so we just got comfortable. Now I find out 2 months ago my husband started emailing and texting this girl. I found out and contacted her through his email telling her to leave him alone. She didn’t know he was married but told me if he contacts her then she won’t stop. My husband left me 3 days ago said he was going to meet with his friend. The last contact I had with him was 4 pm on that day. Now I try calling and texting him I get no response until yesterday telling me to stop texting him pls and then he said hope your ok!?! Really I know he is with her. This girl wouldn’t stop hounding and pressuring him to move in with her. Mind you he has told her that he is miserable with me only because I contacted her again and she told me this. I don’t show him anymore how much I care and love him. He says he does to me hugs kisses just touching me so this happened about 2 weeks ago and I decided to start changing my ways to make him feel special. We started making plans we just recently moved to another city and now he’s gone back to her.
I now know I’m doing wrong by trying to contact him to give him space but I never got any explanations nothing from him why he’s doing this. I’m so beside myself. I feel so lost without him. How will he know this if I don’t tell him?
How do I get him back? How do I tell him I’m so in love with him if he doesn’t want to hear from me? I know he needs his space but all I keep thinking is him with this other girl. She’s changed him so much but also heard and seen things she would say to him. She would hound him every day knowing he was there with me but now I guess I’m doing the same I feel like such a crazy person doing this
Just feeling lost and alone at the moment I need support help something to keep me sane
Thanks for listening if anyone reads this
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 6, 2017 at 5:41 pmDear Gale,
Why do you want him back? He has cheated on you, ignored you, walked away from you twice and left you broken-hearted. Why do you want him back? Mend your broken-heart and move on. He is not going to bring you the love and life you deserve–love yourself enough to get into therapy and work to get you stronger.
Warmly,
Lisa
Gale says
April 10, 2017 at 10:19 pmI can’t help the way I feel about him. Yes I’m broken but we had something so special that I never wanted to lose. Yes I will mend without him but it’s hard to without him! He’s called and talked to me every night for the past few days and said that he loves me but won’t tell me why he did this. I know this girl is telling him lies and making me look like the bad person but I don’t care. I told him I’m stronger then she will ever be. Its been almost 10 days now and if he comes home then fine we will work on it. If he doesn’t, then I know he lost the best thing he’s ever had and hope he sees that one day when he’s a lonely old man. For now though, I just get on with me and finding myself again
Thank you Gale
George says
April 3, 2017 at 3:58 pmI have been married with my wife for a little over 2 years. We have been discussing a divorce because she does not feel emotionally/spiritually connected to me. What behaviors and actions should I take to reconnect to her at this emotional level?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 6, 2017 at 4:12 pmDear George,
Get interested in her day, her feelings and her experiences. Ask her what she thinks about things, how she feels about something that’s going on in the world or your lives. When she does talk to you , LISTEN. Get curious in her story and don’t just brush her off. Intimacy means “Into me you see”–share yourself as well. Tell her about what’s going on in your life and more specifically your heart and mind. She wants you to “know” her and for her to know you–that doesn’t happen by just being in the same house together.
Good luck!
Lisa
Michael says
March 30, 2017 at 5:54 pmI have always kept secrets from my wife. About money, bills, etc. We’ve been married for 7 years and over the last 12 months we really drifted apart. I found out this past January that she’d been cheating on me for 4 months. We’ve been working through everything but during the repair, all my secrets came out about money, and everything I’d been hiding.
Now I find it so hard to get over her affair because of the guilt I feel for lying to her about all my stuff. We have both committed to stay together and work on us and move on. But I feel more of a roommate than a husband and have no idea how to manage my feelings of the affair, my guilt, etc. Neither one of us really trusts each other and don’t know how to really move forward.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 6, 2017 at 4:19 pmDear Michael,
The way you both move forward is with complete honesty. You start fresh now and both come clean. Have honest, on-going conversations that are authentic and real. That is your starting point. If you cant be honest, neither of you will trust the other.
Start there.
Good luck!
Lisa
Fel says
March 30, 2017 at 11:21 amHi Lisa,
My husband left 1/27/17 after which I found out he had began texting another woman the day he left. We have been married since 10/1/16 (4 months), but together 5 years. In the beginning he told me he wanted a divorce, I do not and feel we can work through anything. Since then he has told me the she is nothing to him and they barely see each other , that she is just a distraction. I did some of the usual…I texted and called. He has asked to be left alone which I have respected, that he didn’t want to think about the house (we are in remodeling ourselves), the dogs, or the cat, but no complaint about me. He did tell me that he was not ready to reconcile, but knows I want to, that he was open to us, and that he thinks about me and wonders if I was ok. It has been a week with out hearing from him. I have now started counseling for myself, but still in hopes of working this out with him. Now what? My counselor said it is obvious that I truly love my husband and want to stand by my vows. Is there anything I can do to win him back?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 6, 2017 at 5:31 pmFel,
Get yourself stronger so you don’t NEED your husband back. The fact that he left for “life” reasons is worrisome. He’s not saying you did anything yet he just left. It sounds like he has commitment issues and you have to ask yourself if you want to live with those issues for the rest of your life. If not, then tell him you don’t want him back unless he can commit to staying with you and not going after “distractions”. I would make sure both of you get into good couples work before you say okay to him coming home. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be with you–raise the bar and be clear you only want someone who is going to treat you well and wants you in their life. Don’t settle for less than that ever.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Fel says
May 8, 2017 at 2:56 pmHi Lisa,
Since my last email, things have gone from bad to worse. By leaving him alone he began to call and our conversations went well. I kept it casual and our last “good” phone call lasted 40 mins. on Sunday 4/23. On Monday I woke up to a flooded family room due to rain. I texted him for recommendations on what to do. After several texts back and forth it ended badly when I asked if I could call him that evening to let him know the results and he told me he was “seeing someone else” and didn’t know if he would be available. I texted him that I was done and I filed on 4/26. I reacted poorly. Since then he texted me on 4/27 several times fixated on what was in the paperwork, we spoke on Sunday 4/30 early in the morning. He was cold and angry. He told me that he didn’t want to come home, he didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t want to be with her, he wanted to be by himself and the only reason he responds to her texts is there is no drama (even though he’s the cause because we haven’t had drama before). He has said this all before and later changed his mind wanting to give us a chance. He was served that afternoon and I am sure he is angry. I do not want this at all. I have tried to texted him and he will not respond to my texts, so I have stopped texting. Is there anything that could be done to save our marriage? My counselor believes that he struggles with depression/bipolar.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 8, 2017 at 5:18 pmFel,
Stop texting him. Do not chase someone who does not want to be with you. The more you chase him the more he will lose respect for you and you will lose respect for yourself. Do you realize that you deserve to have a partner who is faithful and kind? Don’t settle for a relationship that is not mutual. Give him space and if he says he wants you back I suggest you tell him you want both of you to get into therapy to work on your relationship. For now, surround yourself with healthy support (friends, yoga, excercise, family) and every moment of every day remind yourself that you matter and deserve to be treated well by all people at all times. Don’t settle for less.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Tiffany says
March 26, 2017 at 8:29 pmHello Lisa 🙂
My husband and I have been married almost 17 years. 14 months ago we seperated. It’s been weird the whole separation. At first we were both ready to move on but then things started to change. Around 3 months after he left we started doing things together, we have 2 girls. Whether it was going out of town, playing tennis or having dinner, we were together a lot. About 6 months in we started sleeping together again and I thought things were changing. I’ve tried to change things about me he didn’t like. So last week he tells me that he still doesn’t want to be with me but he still wants to do all these things with me, I’m so confused. He has said he doesn’t want to be with anyone else. He says that I broke him and ruined our marriage and that if I want it I need to work extra hard for it. If you don’t want to be with me, why do I need to work for it? Still feeling the same emotions for over a year is very hard on me, I’m always emotional and always hoping for something positive to happen. Our marriage was bad and I realized alot of it was my fault. On Friday I decided to cut ties a little with him, no more personal things am I doing for him. Like I was washing his laundry, paying his bills, and cooking dinner for him sometimes. We own a business together so I told him it needed to stay strictly business, he says he doesn’t understand why I did that but I need some peace. I’m trying to let go, is this the right decision? I feel like he has used me as he didn’t want me to walk away from our business. Our bank accounts are really still one, it’s like he moved but still wants to function as a friend’s with benefits type relationship, I’m so confused and hurt. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 28, 2017 at 4:02 pmTiffany,
Your decision is right on. Listen to your instincts and don’t settle for a “friends with benefits” situation when you know in your heart that’s not what you want. Doing his laundry and paying his bills? Glad you stopped that as well. If the relationship has any chance it has to be with each of you coming from a place of equal footing. Continue to trust your instincts–they’re steering you in the right direction.
Take Care-Lisa
Jason says
March 26, 2017 at 4:58 pmI met my now wife in 2007, we met at work and at the end of 2009 I made a massive mistake by getting drunk and cheated on her with a work colleague. I didn’t tell her after all I loved her with everything I had. I then joined the forces to which shortly after passing basic training I proposed in 2010 (still not having told her). A year later in 2011 we got married, got our house as part of the forces. I then deployed away in 2012 at which I made another 2 mistakes by getting blind drunk and cheated with 2 more people. On return from deployment I told her about one of them. It took some time but she eventually forgave me. I then went out on a works Xmas function again (as per the inexcusable theme of this story ) got paralytic and slept with someone else of which I can only remember enough to know I slept with someone let alone remember anything else about that night. July 2013 – I became the happiest man alive by becoming a dad to a little girl. It’s now 2017 – 8 years from the initial work colleague one nighters and 5 years since the other 3 events (of which one she knows about). I love my wife and my little girl with every being of my soul. I’m now 28 and have grown up and want to grow old with my wife whilst keeping our marriage intact and watching our beautiful daughter grow up. What do I do? Tell me wife everything alone? Or goto counselling and explain my actions of 2009 and the dark days of my life in 2012. Please help I truly love them both with everything I have and I don’t want to lose them.
Celeste says
March 29, 2017 at 10:08 pmMy husband told me that he was having an emotional affair with a colleague from work which got pretty heated and he couldn’t go through with it. This has brought back more lies and deception that we experienced early on in our relationship and has single-handedly destroyed my marriage and broke my heart. If these women mean nothing to you and you’re a changed man and your family does go to confession and move on. Don’t make her go through the pain that I am going through. I am heartbroken. I lost complete trust for him as I found out he had a private email just for this woman and she was always around him in and out of work. Some emails were very flirty and they have been imprinted in my memory forever. I wish I never new
Mark says
April 5, 2017 at 9:09 pmDude first, never drink again. Second tell in counseling. Ask for forgiveness. Then prepare her reaction. Hang in there soldier.
Leslie says
March 26, 2017 at 12:00 pmHello. My husband moved out in feb 2017. I found out he was cheating on me with his ex from 10 years ago whim he lost a baby with. She wants him back. He doesnt work and has left me twice before. He suffers from bipolar disorder. He has agreed to work on things with us then blew up at me and said he didnt want to work on it. Hes also told me he doesnt know how he will feel later. Hes had sex with me then said we shouldnt have. He doesnt contact me but he does contact her. I dont contact him. I dont know what to do. We also have two children together. A 5 year old and a 11 month old. Help!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 28, 2017 at 4:06 pmDear Leslie,
Regardless of his bi-polar diagnosis, he’s responsible for his behavior. It does not sound like he’s been treating you well for a long time so I’m wondering why you want him back? Is it fear of being alone or is it that he makes you so happy in this marriage that you miss him? I doubt it’s the second reason. Work your fear, stand up for yourself and stop chasing someone who doesn’t treat you well. You deserve better–raise the bar!
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Gemma Lethbridge says
March 25, 2017 at 3:19 amHi Lisa.
Myself and my husband will have been married 4 years this July, we have a very soon to be 3 year old.
My husband is moody and passive aggressive but he doesn’t see anything wrong with this behaviour. I have become increasingly resentful of him, and his attitude and behaviour. He is in the army and away ALOT. He works away in the week so we only have the weekends together which inevitably go wrong and he leaves again. We have been really bad for so long. Both of us are at the point of walking away. I have been in counseling for the last year, I asked my husband to come with me, which he did, once, but refused any further help and told both myself and the counselor that it was basically all my doing and that he had no issues or any changing to do.
Or relationship had become violent and toxic for all concerned, but I still love him. He can be so lovely, so caring, but the other person he can be is horrible, contrived, spiteful and nasty. I don’t think he’ll ever change, but at the same time I don’t want to give up on us yet, I know how happy and how good we can be. I’m so confused, lonely, scared.
I have my little girl to focus on and take care of but inside I feel like I’m breaking. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 27, 2017 at 6:46 pmGemma,
I’m confused–if he refuses to get help and you believe he will never change–why do you “know” “how happy and good you two can be”? It sounds like you’re living in a fantasy of wishing things could be great, yet nothing you report shows that this is likely. Stop thinking about what might be and dare to see what’s actually present. If a person tells you it’s your fault, is violent towards you and refuses help–then you’re deceiving yourself by believing things can be so good. For your sake and your daughters, stop deceiving yourself.
Call Women’s Protective Services and get into counseling for your sake and your daughter’s.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Rich says
March 21, 2017 at 6:15 pmMy childhood sweetheart(we met when I was 15 and and she was 14 thirty three years ago), asked for a separation one day before our 25th wedding anniversary after she found out I cheated on her multiple times with different people over the last ten years of our marriage. There was never any love or dating. Each event was pretty much random and most unplanned with different people. One was even with her childhood best friend, who was hideous, yet I still chose to have sex with. I have loved my wife since the day I met her and always treated her like a princess and still do even though for the last six months every day is hell as she deals with the heartbreak and anger I caused. I didn’t just love her, I loved every inch of her and everything about her and told her every day. I taught myself to cook over twenty years ago and have made 100% of the meals in our house even though I worked sixty hours a week for 25 years and 120 hours a week for the last six months to pay extra household bills and she doesn’t work at all. Two years ago, my wife, the sweetest, most beautiful and trustworthy woman in the world cheated on me with a guy she met online and she chose to cheat on me before she knew I had cheated on her. She also fell in love with a friend of the guy she had the one time thing with weeks after separating from a phenomenal 33 year loving relationship with me which is also tough to take. I forgave her but she refuses to even consider forgiving me. She can’t believe I did what I did and the only reason I can come up with was after our daughter was born 14 years ago, our sexual encounters fell to between 5-18x a year with 12 being typical. Sex was great but few and far between. And since we loved each other so much, I took her constant refusals for sex to mean she was no longer attracted to me and my self esteem took a hit. But during the year she was flirting with her eventual lover online, we made love 600x in one year. This is not a typo. It was heaven for me because my beautiful, sexy, love of my life finally made and effort to show me she wanted me. She was coming out of the sadness caused by her mother passing and felt that you only live once and she should not be hung up on sex. She says it was not her online flirting that caused our sex to increase sixty fold. Because we had sex 5-18x a year previously I still say it’s no excuse for my actions as i should have been stronger but I feel this had something to do with my decisions. So now, I am still madly in love with her and never ever stopped thinking about her 24/7 in the 33 years we’ve been together but she wants nothing to do with me and it hurts so bad. I cry every day and I’m a tough guy. I just love her dearly but she says she can never trust me again or men yet had no problem sneaking off for weekends with a guy that lives 900 miles away. I don’t know if she’ll ever take me back. We were each other’s only lovers until these infidelities. I am both sorry for my actions and heartbroken without her.
Crystal H says
March 20, 2017 at 2:17 pmIf you have a moment?
My husband and I have been together for five and a half years. We met in AA, stayed sober together and had a baby girl. After having only been married for 6 weeks, he started drinking (hiding it) and after 2 weeks, he went home with a woman from the bar. Six months later and him six months sober, he relapsed again. To my knowledge, no cheating was involved the second time. For a year I tried to work through it, to forgive him, but it felt like what he did snapped something in me: I saw him differently and I felt like I didn’t love him the way a wife should love her husband. We’ve had other problems like co-dependence and we also have a 10 year age difference… He moved out in October when I asked him for a separation. We are now going through the process of a divorce, and I see the changes in him. I can’t be sure he’s really changing, if it’s forced, or if it’s temporary.
While we were still together, I brought up marriage counseling and he blew it off. I believe now he would agree to counseling… Divorce is a life-altering decision and I am unsure if I’m making the right choice. We’ve been separated for almost six months. I even started dating a new man who is wonderful to me and to my daughter- but he is not my husband. I should not have started dating this man. But I can admit I am selfish- he treats me with love and care and does everything my husband should have been doing for 5 years; like listening to me, talking to me, wanting to experience things together, being individuals but still together… I understand it’s a “new” relationship and those things will probably fade… But I feel like the basic givings of a relationship are those particular things…
I am conflicted and confused as to what I am feeling. Is this me missing my husband and feeling hope that we can make it work? Or is this the normal grieving process of divorcing the person I thought I was going to grow old with? I have no idea what I doing anymore. Any words of wisedom would be greatly appreciated.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 27, 2017 at 6:37 pmCrystal,
Only you can answer those questions. Take the time to tune in and be courageous enough to listen to you. Take a hard look at the 5 years with your husband and ask yourself if, when he was not drinking, he treated you well. When the relationship was good, was it truly good? When you see your husband now–and you both disagree about something–does he handle himself differently? Is he accountable for what he did or does he blame it on the alcohol? Don’t be afraid to take an honest look. Dare to see what you see and then stand behind that.
Warmly,
Lisa
Crystal H says
March 29, 2017 at 12:21 pmThank you. You honestly don’t know how much it means to me that you replied with those words. Thank you!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 29, 2017 at 12:34 pmYou are very welcome:-)
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Danielle says
March 28, 2017 at 3:17 pmI found out two weeks ago my husband was having an ongoing affair. At first he was trying to do everything to fix it and clam the storm. I asked him to leave for two days which he agreed to….after being away, he has decided to stay away, saying things “like I hurt you” and “I keep hurting you” I begged, pleaded, forgave, professed my love, my commitment to making it work….which obviously backfired because he says “he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.” I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said no he can’t fix a marriage if he is broken and that he needs to see a counselor on his own and that he doesn’t know if he wants to fix our marriage anymore.
I have stopped contact for the last few days….and I haven’t heard from him. Which is absolutely killing me.
Is there hope?
alisha says
March 17, 2017 at 12:22 amI desperately need some advice. My husband and I have been together about 4.5 years and married in Oct of 16. It seems since the wedding he has done everything to push me away. Verbal abuse, emotional abandonment, emotional and mental abuse. He has never been very open but it is to the extreme now and I dont think he ever loved me. He says that is not true and I just don’t know what to do. I am dying inside and he just does not get me. I can tell him step by step how I feel and think and he does not get it. I am an open person who needs to talk and he is one who doesn’t like to talk about feelings and I feel has intimacy issues. I knew all this before marrying but never expected this drastic of a change after marriage. I thought we would be closer–it felt like we would be anyway. I can’t express the confusion and pain I am feeling and I have done a few of those desperate things mentioned. The sex the not living without them and blowing up phone and email. Please help me understand anything. I don’t have the money to leave or I would just so he can miss me again. I dont know what to do. Is he having an affair, does he not love me I don’t get it. I feel like I have been sharing a bed with a stranger for 4 years and I feel so sick and lost and betrayed.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 18, 2017 at 5:36 pmDear Alisha,
First off, your husband’s lack of communication has nothing to do with you so don’t make it about you. What you have to determine is if it is okay with you or not. If it’s not, then tell him you want both of you to get into marriage counseling and then work on the relationship. The more you stay and blame yourself the worse your life is going to be. The truth is it doesn’t matter why he’s doing it (likely this is about commitment and family of origin issues), what does matter is if it’s okay or not. Are you willing to live like this for another 4 years? If not, then get help or you will be living a very lonely life and by the time you get the courage to take care of yourself you will have lost yourself. Don’t do it. Get help and take a stand about what you will and won’t live with–for your sake and his.
Warmly,
Lisa
Daniel says
March 15, 2017 at 10:16 pmHi,
My wife has been married for four years, being together for seven years with a two-year-old son. About a year and half ago, I found out that my wife has been sending nude pictures and videos of herself to couple of guys and I was furious but I still wanted to be with her. I kept bringing up her mistakes for a while which ended up deciding to sleep in a separate rooms in our household two months ago. During those two months, I have cried in front of her, begged her to give us another chance, that I will be a better husband. We have fought as well. She told me before sleeping in separate rooms, that she was miserable with me, that she was scared to talk to me about anything, and that when she has sex with me, afterwards she would cry. I do admit that I should have let the past go, been there for her more often, and be more understanding for her. I have been going to counseling to help myself how to control my anxiety issues as well as my anger issues. I have changed ways when she has been telling me for years, to show that I still want to save our marriage. But as of right now, she still wants me to move out (which I am moving out next week). She told me that she needed space and when I asked her what if we could renew our vows as a way to “start over”, she responded that she can’t right now. I fear that it may be too late to try and save our marriage because during the past two months, I have begged and cried in front of her, which is one of don’ts from your article I read. What can I do to try and save our marriage?
Evan says
March 15, 2017 at 8:54 amI found out my wife of nearly five years was having an affair 5 months ago. She moved out that day and has not come back. I was completely blindsided by her decision. For 4 months I tried to be supportive and work on the marriage. We tried counseling once but she stopped going. She never really wanted to try to fix the marriage. She recently moved into her own apartment (she was staying with friends in the interim) and I think she feels to she can’t come back because things are too damaged now. I realize that all of this could have been avoided if we had more serious conversations about our relationship. I never realized how unhappy she was or how alone she felt. I felt similar feelings at times but neither of us really knew. I also think we have different ideas of what commitment means. Overall, I think I’ve been a good husband. I’ve always been very loving and supportive but I have taken things for granted at times. I think our marriage was getting stale. It happens to most marriages and it saddens me that she wasn’t willing to work on our relationship to make it better. I told her I didn’t want to be friends but I still find myself helping her out with stuff and checking in on her. I feel like a big brother. It’s difficult because I want to be with her but I’m not sure how to get her back. She seems content to be with the other guy even though he’s married. I think we both still have feelings for each other but everything is so confusing. As time passes I feel a stronger sense of betrayal. I’m not sure what to do.
Marni says
March 15, 2017 at 10:17 amDear Evan,
I would say it’s time for you to move on with your life. She obviously has no respect on you by having an affair and has no interest in getting your marriage fixed. she will just use you in the future if you are back together.
You will be hurt for a while as I can feel that you love her so much but things happens for a reasons and you might find someone better and faithful to spend the rest of your life with.
Joyce P. says
March 17, 2017 at 12:13 pmSpeaking from experience, she will only be content for awhile. Anyone who meets a significant other in that setting is setting themselves up for failure, the foundation of that relationship is based on sand. How will either of them know that the other won’t ever cheat again? I left my husband in the same manner, thinking I had found the one I was meant to be with, and I’m now faced with wondering if my boyfriend is cheating on me and living a secret life with other women and a sex addiction. I have met my conviction about cheating on my husband and have let him know
how sorry I am that I did that to him. I’ve gone thru ups and downs of wondering if I should
get back together with my ex, but my feelings have never returned to the point of where I wanted to put either of us back thru that. I now see that working on the relationship to the point of no return is a far better option than believing the lies that the grass is greener on the other side. I give you credit for still helping her, you are a better man for it. Not sure if any of this is helpful, but that sense of betrayal is there for a reason. I hope your path leads you to loving yourself enough to not let anyone take advantage of you again, and I hope you eventually find a long lasting love someday when you are ready.
Kimberly says
March 13, 2017 at 11:21 amI left my husband recently because we fought all the time and I couldn’t take it. I’ve been gone a couple of months but I want to go back and he doesn’t want me to. He doesn’t want to talk about it and says he will let me know when he is ready for me to come back. I really do love him and realize that I was doing alot of things wrong in the relationship.I’m working on me. We are still intimate. He tells me he loves me everyday. Why doesn’t he let me come back? I feel like I am getting mixed signals. He loves me, buys me new tires, cell phone, clothes for our son, gives me money to make sure we have enough…..wants to know what I’m doing but doesn’t want me to come back…..I’m lost…..He says that all I want to do is get all my stuff out and divorce and not work on the problem. How long does he need when he doesn’t want to talk to me…..??????
Rich Morris says
March 11, 2017 at 1:42 pmSo this is exactly my situation. My wife loves me and is still attracted to me, however, she is not in love with me anymore. This is due to how I have been for the past yr. We had issues about 3 yes ago where I pushed her away over the 8 yrs previously. She had lost connection with me etc. I spent the next 2 yrs getting things back on track however the last yr I have gotten complacent. She has given me all the warning signs but I have ignored them. Finally she says now although she loves me she doesn’t know whether she wants this anymore. She says she is 50/50. I am in despair. She says she wants a period of time with no arguing and see what happens. She can’t promise that she can get her feelings back and I keep trying to talk about it and making it worse. She says that if I care enough then I have to give her this time to see if she can get her feelings back. If she didn’t think there was a chance surely she would just end it?
Steve says
March 9, 2017 at 11:15 pmMy wife gets extremely angry with me when I miss her texts. She’s at the point where she won’t talk to me or look at me anymore. She locks me out of the bedroom and doesn’t respond to texts or phone calls. We have twin toddlers and both love and support them. I love her but I just don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I work really hard to make sure that she and the kids are safe and comfortable and I make sure that I put them first. I’ve been depressed and have a lot of anxiety and when this happens it becomes feedback in my head and becomes heavier and heavier for me to bear. All I want is to understand.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 17, 2017 at 10:20 amSteve,
I would take her for her word and realize that you not responding to her texts is a problem for her. Talk to her about why it upsets her so much and then do something about it–answer her texts!
Take Care-Lisa
Mrsconfusedalot81 says
March 9, 2017 at 8:06 pmHi, I am struggling. For 3 years my spouse has been caught sexting women multiple times. Each time I messaged the lady and told her he was married. He got mad, called me childish and dramatic. Then I started to hide my phone because I would take pictures or videos of what he was doing and I became afraid he was going to erase them if he found them. I started confiding in a male cousin. When I talked to males he would accuse me of cheating. I became snippy and it started to effect my child and she started to act out. They didn’t like each other. In,oct of 16 he moved out by Dec 24 he was engaged. We are not divorced and he doesn’t know if he wants to work on it. So what do I do? He wants sex from me after he spends the weekend with her. I have told a million people about what he has done to me and other things that have happened in the marriage. I totally broke trust. Also I sent all the texts he has sent to me telling me he loves me. I want him back but don’t know how. Please help.
Tim says
February 27, 2017 at 2:02 amA month ago my wife of over 20 years told me that she doesn’t feel the same way about me any more and isn’t sure she wants to stay in the marriage. She has been sleeping in another bedroom since.
One of our biggest issues is trust. She had an affair 9 years ago and some of our boundaries established after that and my over villagence for signs of dishonesty has made her feel smothered and she wants to be on her own.
There were other things mentioned as well including not doing my share of housework and my spending habits.
After some clear dont’s on my part initially I have been doing better at just giving her space. We seem to enjoying doing things together as friends and partners but I don’t feel any intimacy returning. We have 2 kids still living at home . I also have been trying to be a better partner at the things she mentioned.
I’m finding being patient to be difficult. It’s hard to continue to be a great person while she figures it all out. I will slip at times and say things I love you at night and of course I get silence back.
Hoping if I continue, her feelings for me will slowly return. We are both in individual counseling now but she as of yet has no interest in couples counseling.
Mark says
February 24, 2017 at 12:10 pmHello Lisa,
My wife and I have been separated for about a month and a half now. We were together for 4 years prior to our separation. She asked for a divorce due to my anger and past alcohol use. She said how she wants to be single as she does not want to be in a relationship and she really does not know who she is as a person. Most recently, we bought a house in October and a dog in November. We were also baptized together in October. We have gone through 2 counseling marital sessions but she still wants a divorce. She said she had doubts about our marriage but never said anything to me, just wrote it down in her journal. I have been going to counseling for myself outside of marital counseling. I am just having a hard time deciding what to do and how to move forward in my marriage. Please give me any recommendations that you may have.
Thanks, Mark
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 17, 2017 at 10:28 amMark,
Give her the space she needs, apologize from your heart for all the previous damage you caused and then whenever you see her or speak to her show up differently. The only chance is if she sees that you truly have changed. Without that there is no hope. By showing up differently i don’t mean by buying flowers etc. I mean show up loving, not angry, sober not drunk. When you can show her even in anger and upset that you want angrily lash out or reach for a drink, then there might be a chance.
Best of luck!
Lisa
Chad says
February 23, 2017 at 9:36 pmHi I have a hectic situation I need help on what I need to do. Me and my wife separated Jan 6 2017 we have been together for 8 years and married for 6 and a half. I cheated on her about 3 years ago by kissing a woman from work and then a year later cheated again Which I would never do again. Six months later my wife cornered me in the bathroom to ask questions about the last cheating incident and I asked her to leave me be and she wouldn’t so I hit her by mistake. She stayed with me for a while longer and the night before she left with our 4 kids I got mad at her about the house being a mess. She then left while I was at work the next day. She says she cant forgive me for cheating on her and hitting her. I really want my marriage to work but she said she’s checked out. She wants space. I need to figure out a way back with her cause I am truly sorry for what I have done. The guilt eats at me everyday
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 17, 2017 at 10:40 amChad,
What makes this time different for you? You’ve cheated twice yet now you say you learned your lesson? Before you try to win her back you want to make sure that you truly are done with cheating. Your wife likely has lost all trust in you. When she gave you a chance to explain you hit her and told her to leave you alone–all of that told her that you don’t care and you feel entitled to cheat and treat her however you’d like. Your only chance to win her back is to be accountable for your behaviors. Affairs break trust on the deepest level. It takes MANY apologies, MANY conversations, MANY explanations over several years to heal. Are you up for that kind of accountability? Your violent response also broke trust. My suggestion is that you get into individual therapy to look at why these behaviors are coming up for you. Work through how you want to show up as a man and then start to step in differently. Your wife will likely only come around if you consistently show up differently over time–not just for the next few weeks. You have to be willing to put in the time to win her back if there’s any chance at all.
Take Care,
Lisa
chad says
March 18, 2017 at 12:37 pmThank you Lisa I appreciate the feedback. I’m doing my best to show up differently and helping her out with our kids more. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks with her staying the night and being intimate and she says she needs space and doesn’t know what she wants. I feel there’s mixed messages going on. I love my wife with all my heart and I wish I would have never done the wrong things I’ve done. I feel I have no hope should I be giving her more space?
Victoria says
February 21, 2017 at 5:28 pmMy husband and I are seperated and I moved out. We have 3 children and make sure we don’t talk about our issues in front of them. I found out a week ago he has been sleeping with my maid of honor and friend of 13 years. I was devastated but made a conscious effort to be positive. On valentine’s day, I stopped crying, began going to the gym, and made myself more attractive to feel better. I don’t call or text him unless it has to do with the kids. I go out with friends but I don’t tell him my plans. I don’t ask him about what is going on in his life and when I do talk to him, I keep it completely casual. Every time he see’s me, I make sure I am smiling and happy. I’m seeing a turn in him now and he is starting to be really nice to me. His friends tell me that he misses me and he wonders if he made the right choice. I’m just taking things one day at a time and I make myself as scarce as possible.
Sergio says
February 21, 2017 at 12:05 pmThank you for this article.
My wife for ten years and I have been separated for a week now; she needed space and time to discover if she is still in love with me and if she is still willing to work and bet on us. We became parents 4 years ago, and seems like we did focus on being parents and along the way we forgot about each other as a couple. I told her that I’m whiling to wait for her and to work on us if she decides that’s what she wants to do. She told me that if she were certain that our marriage is gone, she would be asking for a divorce, not a separation.
So your article helps me because I’m working everyday in not calling her to tell her I’m miserable, not chasing after her, giver her space and just be there for her and for our little boy.
I really hope time and distance can bring her back to realize that we still have lots of good things that are worth fighting for. And also, I need to work everyday to feel better by myself and to overcome this feeling of loneliness, lost, and chaos, so if we decide to work again in our marriage, I’m a better, stronger person. And if we decide otherwise, then I’m stronger to accept that.
But as of right now, everyday is harder than the other, I barely can sleep or eat, and I’m constantly in pain.
A says
February 20, 2017 at 2:57 amHi
My husband told me recently that he wants a divorce or at least a separation. He tells me that I have been neglecting him for years by not giving him enough attention and being present in our marriage. He tells me that he still wants sex because he still feels that connection and he will always have that lust towards me. But he is not sure he wants to be with me anymore. I asked him countless times to please try and I will be more present and we will help make this work. We do still have a sexual relationship and it frustrates me because I do associate sex with love and can’t understand why if he wants sex he cant just give our marriage another chance. Do I deny him if he wants sex again? I feel really rejected at this stage and really do not know what to do.
We have been together for 12 years, married for 5 and we have 3 kids. I really do want to try to make this work but it seems like all I am doing is pushing him further and further away. I want to give him space but scared if I give him space we will drift further apart and he will eventually just leave and not come back.
Please help.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 24, 2017 at 11:40 amDear A,
You need to do internal work on you. You’re chasing your husband who is not treating you well. Stop being sexual with him. You’re trying to win him back via sex yet all you’re teaching him is to use you. If you want to save this marriage you have to set ground rules or you will lose all respect for yourself and so will he. You deserve to be loved and treated well. If you were not paying attention to him in the marriage, then tell him you’re willing to work on the marriage with a professional–together– but you’re no longer willing to be sexual with him if he’s not willing to work on the marriage. Give him space to decide and don’t crack out of fear of him leaving you. If he does then you never had him anyway.
Love yourself enough to insure you’re treated well. Don’t settle for crumbs.
Warmly,
Lisa
Travis Killingsworth says
February 14, 2017 at 12:24 pmI am 22 and my fiance is 24 we’ve been together for 3 year’s now and in our first year I was the biggest peace of crap and a horrible boyfriend and cheated on her 3 times. Since then I have changed completely and have no desire to be with anyone else at all. She has low self-esteem due to the weight gain after the pregnancy of our daughter (which I still think she is extremely beautiful). She has slowly found out about them. I just want our relationship to be better and for her to be happy and not feel stuck because of our child. PLEASE HELP ME!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 24, 2017 at 11:34 amTravis,
The best thing you can do is show up differently. Show her with your actions and your kindness that you have changed and that you lover her. Give genuine compliments, apologize for cheating (many times) and allow her to talk about how she feels as a result of your betrayals. Let her see your phone without getting defensive and work as hard as you can to prove to her you’re trustworthy.
Good luck!
Lisa
Ian Price says
February 9, 2017 at 10:59 amI have been married to my wife for 6 yeasts been together for 8 however, I have been a horrible man. I have verbally abused her, had 1 affair on her which caused me my job, and have been castigated talking inappropriately to other women. I have told her many of times that I will change but never have. I don’t want to be like this. My wife seperated with me 1 week ago and I want her back please help!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 19, 2017 at 11:57 amIan,
I applaud your honesty and vulnerability to admit how you’ve been. You are not alone in treating your wife like this unfortunately. If you truly want to change I suggest you get into therapy with a very good therapist to look at where you learned to treat women this way. My guess is you learned this growing up as well as in our world. Now you have to unlearn it and dare to step in differently. The best way to win your wife back is to prove that you’ve changed–from the inside out. Get into treatment and then show her your changes don’t tell her about them.
I wish you the best!
Lisa
Christina says
February 6, 2017 at 4:58 pmLisa,
We are one month away from our 2 year marriage anniversary (together for 2 years before that). For the last year, things have gotten rockier and rockier (we have a daughter who will be 2 in a couple months). Fights more and more often. I snap at him over everything, and have played mom on him for awhile. Last night he sent me 6 page letter telling me all the reasons he is leaving our marriage. He added in the letter ” I know I have said I don’t give second chances but I believe for you I would but you’ve got to change for this to happen and remain changed for good.” I haven’t responded to the letter, or talked to him really since he sent the letter last night. I told him I needed time to process and digest the information.
He called me this morning, and I did answer the phone. A marriage counselor that I contacted the other week finally called us back to get us scheduled. So he scheduled us an appointment for Wednesday. But, he only scheduled it to “get on good terms to co-parent and communicate for our daughter so we can be at her events together and not kill one another”. I’m more than half convinced that he will end up not coming to the appointment, that he’ll back out in the last moment. But I’ve decided I am going to go
In this counseling session is it wrong to talk about our relationship problems and view it as a potential chance for us to com back together. Or should I keep the conversation to just our parenting failures?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 7, 2017 at 6:23 pmIf you’d like to work on your marriage then tell the marriage therapist that you would like to try to save the marriage and ask your husband if he is willing to give the a try first. If he says yes, then be willing to hear him and work your side.
Good luck!
Lisa
jane says
February 11, 2017 at 12:25 pmMy partner has depression and has broken away from me completely. Has turned into a stranger. She says I have smothered her I don’t believe so I have been supportive. Her previous relationships have been bad. How do I win her back. She’s gone within herself.
Glenda's says
April 21, 2017 at 6:51 amI got married 8 months ago,dated my husband for 1 year. I now left his house after him beating me because of chatting with a classmate whom I have never seen in 10 years. When he asked about him I explained to him the type of friend he was but he was not satisfied. We went to his parents and he told them he wanted us to separate. Later, he begged me to forgive him. I said I will go if he doesn’t make things clear to his parent’s,that he wants us to stay. He refused to clear thing’s up and I Left. I am 2weeks out of my house and it’s really hard for me. I want my family but he is saying he will not come for me. He has repeated several times after I left that I should go get the things I Left.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 25, 2017 at 6:44 pmDear Glenda,
Once a person is physically abusive the chances of them being abusive again in the future is very high without any treatment. Him not telling his parents is the least of your worries. The most important position you should be taking is that he get help for his anger. I also suggest you talk with someone for you. This is a difficult situation and speaking to a therapist will be very helpful. You can also call Women’s Protective Services in your area and they can give you more information.
In the mean time, get as much support as you can from family and friends and don’t go back without having an agreement that he will get some help for his anger.
Take Care-Lisa
Jessica says
January 31, 2017 at 4:10 pmMy husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have had a rocky past, but for the past year we have been happy (or so I thought) I found him in a a car with another women last week. He says he just met her and nothing happened but he thinks he got married too young and wants to see other women. He says he is selfish and that I am great and that I am hot, but he wants to see if there is something else out there. He says that he isn’t talking with her anymore but I am sure that he is I am just avoiding fighting about it. I love him I know he loves me but he says he isn’t feeling us anymore. what do I do? give him space?
Gina says
January 28, 2017 at 3:07 amMe and my husband are separated for 3 months now.We live in the same house, and are daily routine is about normal. We have two kids 4 and 2 and we go to work together,leave our kids at the kindergarden and have dinners together at home.But we sleep in different bedrooms. Three months ago we had a huge fight but I thought we will get passed it. He came to me and said that he cannot be with me anymore, that he is not in love with me anymore and we can not be together and fight all the time. It was a shock for me because I don’t want to lose him and did all the wrong things to keep him; begged,cried in front of him, tried to seduce him with sex. Yesterday he told me that nothing has changed and that he still doesn’t feel nothing for me. Neither he or I can leave the house because we don’t have enough income to live separately.My parents offerred for me to go for a while to their house, but I don’t know if its a good idea? Will he miss me if a take the kids and go? Please help me!
Ps.
Sorry for my English but I’m not an English speaker and may have done mistakes during writing.
Lily says
January 26, 2017 at 8:46 pmHello Miss Lisa, my husband of 13 years; I started having problems late Oct 2016 I suspected him of infidelity. I kicked him out late Oct; he came back 2 days later he wasn’t changing. 2 weeks later I asked him to leave again but he came back. This time he said he loved me and didn’t want to loose me. He got more distant and on Dec 9th he showed up drunk. We got into an argument and I asked him to leave. He left Dec 11th and this time he didn’t try to come back. Point is I was right he had been talking to someone else since late Oct and the day he left to never return he went straight to her. He told me on a Sunday that he went to look for me at work that he had so much hatred the day he left that he went straight to her. I wonder if it’s the reason he wants to be with her. He thinks he loves her because she was there when I wasn’t. Anyways I was doing what you said not to do so this week I have been distant. I really don’t have anyway to contact him and he prohibited me to call him at work. We have 3 children together and the older 2 don’t want to see him. Please any advice would be appreciated. TIA!
MER says
January 25, 2017 at 10:34 amHello, I am reading this now on January 25th – almost seven months since finding out my husband of 28 years was engaged an on-line texting, sexting, emailing and then in person affair with a married (but in process of separation and possible divorce – not clear if that’s happening) 2,000 miles away. I discovered their affair by accident – a text she sent on the same day my husband were to begin 5 weeks alone – me so hopeful – to restore our marriage (while our 13 year old son on the autism spectrum was at camp) as our 25 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year. Yes!!! I’m not making this up. Two very high need children; one with potentially life ending cancer and he was carrying on before, during and after our daughter’s diagnosis. I did all the things you say not to do -I fell completely apart as I never, EVER saw this coming or thought my husband had the potetntial to be an adulterer and cheat on me and our marriage. Was our marriage perfect- no; did we have challenges – yes. But I just never saw this coming. I was and am devestated. I spent most of the summer w/friends and family; I was almost hospitalized 3x for severe depression and suicidal ideation. Every book and article I’ve read about the partner cheated on says this is not unusual at all. Now almost seven months later, I’m calmer, we are in marriage counseling and I”m in solo counseling. But I still need time. I’m not sure I want to grow into older woman (I”m 55 this year; he’s 62) wondering if he’ll ever do it again. The statistics aren’t good once it’s happened 1x. And let’s face it – there’s an endless supply of younger women out there looking for men who are “unhappy” in their marriages and if they end – willing to pick up the slack. Not so much the same for older women. He makes an excellent income and has a lot of business success, if not personal success, and trust me – that was intriquing to his AP (affair partner) as well. Our younger child is now in great distress himself – fell into a depression – because altho’ he’s on spectrum – he’s NOT stupid and he figured out that I was so low and guessed at the affair happening. Our older child even saw text from my husband six months before I found out (and weeks after being diagnosed with cancer) but was too mortified to tell me. I don’t blame her at all for keeping it to herself but I feel awful she walked around knowing that being so sick. I’m taking care of myself thru going to the gym and I’m in great shape. Men are noticing me in a way they haven’t in years- do women who are being cheated on send out vibes that they are vulnerable?? I have NO interest in a revenge affair. I have interest in my life looking better, happier, more content and fulfilled than it is now. I’m trying, trying not to dramatize at him. I considered moving out myself a few months back but we agreed that would be hard on our son but now I’m wondering now if that was a wrong call and made it harder on my son who is so worried we’ll divorce – but is this tension any better? Probably not. . Any thoughts or support or wisdom you could share would be welcome. It feels like my husband stomped on me like yesterday’s garbage w/his AP. How do I make a rational decision as to my future? I now have some dreams that include him in my life but many that don’t too. What do I want my future to look like w/ or w/o him? I love him but I’m not sure I can risk everything again. BTW, I have history of loss of men – my father, step-father through my mom’s two divorces and losing a dear brother in our 20s to AIDS…so this shadow hangs over my decisions too. Thank you and peace to all going through this. Mary
Kim says
March 2, 2017 at 7:28 pmYour story is so similar to mine. I am in a long term relationship of 30 years together and 22 married. We were high school sweethearts. He got involved with online sex, dating sites for married people wanting to have an affair, to getting sexual acts from prostitutes on Craig List. My sons who are teenagers found his emails and texts 3 years before I found out. My oldest son who is on the autism spectrum disorder scale told me to check his emails. I was devastated. I found out a year and a half ago. He says he is sorry but doesn’t want to hear me express my feelings of hurt and betrayal. He says to move on and get over it. It is not that easy. I feel he could do this again. He has stopped going on dates with me. He only wants sex. I am not emotionally fulfilled. I don’t know what to do. If it stays like this I don’t see us making it.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 17, 2017 at 10:25 amKim,
It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction. If he does, he is likely to cheat many more times. If not, he’s still treating you in a ways that is absolutely not okay. Get strong enough yourself so you stop settling for this kind of treatment. Seek professional help and then raise the bar with him: either he treats you better and agrees to getting professional help with you or you let him go and move on with your life.The more you accept behavior like this the more your husband will disrespect you and you will disrespect yourself. Don’t do it.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
carlis says
January 24, 2017 at 9:08 pmHi Ms. Lisa. I’m one of the many here. My husband just told me he doesnt “love me” but mainly says “the passion the desire the chemistry is gone”. I understand this is normal. He wants space. I can accept and give that, not an issue. Question is that he is now in one room and I’m in another. This is tough. Should I leave the house and really give him space or wait separately living together? Also: should I still cook every night like I used too, or does that shows off something bad??? Walking om eggshells here!!!!
I hope you reply
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 26, 2017 at 5:17 pmDear Carlis,
Be clear with your husband that you are willing to give him space however you are not willing to agree for him to see other women. While you’re in separate rooms, I would go out to dinner on your own sometimes, cook dinners for yourself sometimes and show him that you are strong enough to be on your own if you need to. If you’re eating dinner and he asks to join you feel free to say yes if there is enough food. If you can go to a friends house for a couples days to clear your head and give him space do so. You can say, “I know you said you wanted to space, and I’d like some space to clear my head as well so I’m going to go away for a couple nights to think.” Again, before you do any of this be clear that neither one of you has the okay to date others during this time.
In general, take care of yourself during this time. Get yourself stronger, don’t chase him and rely on yourself to be okay.
Take Care-Lisa
carlis says
January 26, 2017 at 9:12 pmThank you. I have. I have cooked for me and my new after gym hunger. He has thanked me a few times. Time will tell. Thanks so much for the reply.
carlis says
January 29, 2017 at 12:36 amhis staying out late on the weekends is building up anger in me. Is this normal? Him staying out to “have space” and me building this anger?
Therus25 says
February 7, 2017 at 2:44 pmYou won’t believe this but I am going through the same exact problem with my husband. We still live together but he is out late nowadays pretty much every night doing who knows what. However, he still comes home and tries to strike up a conversation with me. I feel anger building up in me too at times. Sometimes I do not care at all.
Jeremy Reddock says
January 20, 2017 at 12:01 pmHi Lisa,
My wife and I have decided to separate after 23 years. More or less, she has decided. We have two kids 10 and 4. We have had our share of problems over the years, mostly communication, but I never thought it would lead to this. All she can say is that there is just too much distance between us and she is no longer in love, but of course she still loves me. She has been in school for the past 3 years and has had little time for me. When she did have time off, she would take trips with her friends and this caused me a lot of pain and anger because I begged for her to spend time with me. She said she wants us to separate but has not given me any indications about her intent. I told her I need to know if this is an attempt to end the marriage or save it. If this is an attempt to save the marriage, there are things that we need to be doing and rules to be made to ensure that we are headed in the right direction. Either way, I deserve an answer, but she says she had no plan and doesn’t know what she wants. She refuses to seek marriage counseling so I have been going to counseling on my own. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Terrell says
January 20, 2017 at 12:25 amHI me and my wife are separated for me cheating in the past. She said she forgave me for it but she hasn’t. I didn’t do the things that I was supposed to do as a husband: get off work came home when I got ready, didn’t spend enough time with her or kids, basically I was mad about money. I would get drunk and come home lord knows what I would say. I’m sorry for what has happened. We were renting a home one day and we came to a conclusion that we were not going to pay rent knowing that we could get put out and that what has happened. I’ve been staying at my mom’s and her and my 3 kid are over her aunt’s. I’ve offered to get a place to stay but lost my job. Texting her on the phone asking what am I going to do. She won’t answer text messages or even answer the phone. At first she wanted to work on the marriage now she doesn’t. She wants a divorce. What should I do? I’m sorry.
Chris says
January 16, 2017 at 12:01 pmSo my wife finally admitted that she loves me but is not in love with me. She said she felt neglected for 18 months as we went through some hard stuff without being able to have another child and a job change for her. She said she doesn’t want to be just a team but be in love. My recent concern is that she has developed a male friend who she admits to caring for him but is not in love with him. She says she loves me, but does not want to stop hanging out with this other guy. She has told him that we are in this situation and he is also her boss. It obviously makes me insecure that something could or will develop. I am not sure if this is a crush and she needs time to decide what to do. She has also said that she does not want to end or marriage and does not picture life with him or being alone. How do I get her back is my question. I am not trying to end that friendship, but I need help not talking about it with her. I have given some boundaries that I hope she will continue to adhere toany advice is greatly appreciated.
Bridget says
January 9, 2017 at 6:50 pmHi Lisa,
Coinciding with burn out at work (complex Youth-trauma, homelessness, addictions etc.), my husband of 9 years in total, has decided on separation. I have three children from previous marriage. 19- addition needs, 16 & 12- clashes a lot with my husband. He says is 80 percent my children/ 20 percent me that brought on his decision. He has moved out, detached, but still wants to connect sexually- no emotional investment or commitment.
I’m feeling very fragile, confused & at times grief stricken which in turn can look needy. Adding to the whole trauma of rejection.
He won’t consider counseling & I’m struggling to figure out healthy boundaries as I’m switching between clinging to any signs of reconciliation & moving on.
He refused to connect with the children which has us all feeling dumped.
It’s like he wants it all on his terms, with no responsibility. I’m beginning to see that he is mean & manipulative & I’m losing respect for him. It’s messing with my heart & head.
I’ve struggled with anxiety & depression & I’m struggling to gain self assurance & independence. Any guidance welcomed.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 12, 2017 at 8:30 pmDear Bridget,
The last thing you want to do is have sex with him. He’s clearly telling you he doesn’t want to be emotionally involved with you or your children but he’d be happy to use you for sex. That’s crazy. Do not fall for it or allow your moments of wanting to cling to him fool you into having sex with him in the hopes that the sex will bring him back. Listen to your wisest self that is telling you he’s mean and manipulative. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Get yourself into counseling and begin the process of learning to love yourself enough to demand that others treat you well. You deserve this as do your children. Have faith that you are strong enough to make it on your own if he doesn’t seriously step up and treat you well. Trust me, he won’t respect you or want more than sex if you don’t respect yourself enough either.
Hang in there and work on getting yourself stronger–it will be the best gift you can give yourself and your children.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Elizabeth says
January 18, 2017 at 7:49 pmHi Lisa,
I have been married to a wonderful man for 6 1/2 years. We had good moments but also a lot of stress and fights. I have recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder which caused me to have back pain for the past 4 years. I have been miserable and made him miserable too. Long story short, he got fed up and 2 months ago came home and said he filed for divorce. It took me by surprise. Since then he has been telling me so many hurtful things. That he is not in love with me, we are not meant to be together, he wants another relationship because this one wasn’t good. I have tried to talk to him. He is not listening to me or to any friends. I love him and want to save my marriage but I know that me trying to save my married is going to look like I am trying to control him. I told him that my anger was because of the anxiety and that now everything is changing. He said he doesn’t want to risk it because he believes that the changes he sees in me are because of the shock. I’m scared of losing him because he has no faith in me… What do you suggest for me to do?
Thank you!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 26, 2017 at 5:07 pmElizabeth,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s decision. My suggestion is that you take a step back, give him space and show up as your best self day in and day out. Show him through your actions that you’ve changed and realize your anger wasn’t okay. Don’t try to tell him or convince him, simply show up in such a way that it would be impossible to miss your changes. Be authentic in your changes–not fake and desperate. Get yourself more grounded, steady and internally stronger regardless of what happens with your marriage since that will help your marriage if he stays and will help you if he doesn’t.
Hang in there and trust yourself to be able to handle this.
Lisa
Karina says
January 5, 2017 at 12:28 pmHi Lisa I really need some advice. Me and my bf have been together for 3 1/2 years and we are now expecting our first child. I’m 22 weeks pregnant but it was not planned. He broke up with me telling me he needed his space and of course this devastated me. We live together but we have separate rooms. I made a mistake about a year ago of cheating on him. I didn’t get intimate with the other person it was just hanging out and kissing nothing else and lasted less than 2 weeks. We were on a break during this time but I knew that I was in love with him so I went back to him. He just found out about this a couple months ago and is now telling me he doesn’t see me the same and this is also a reason why he wants a break. I made the mistake of doing all of the don’ts mentioned in the article. We are now on a break and I told him I would change and trust him more since I’m a very insecure person but should I give him the space? I’m afraid if I do this he can leave me forever and our baby. I don’t know what to do! I really am in love with him and he tells me that he still deeply loves me but still wants his space. If so how can I give him space if we live together?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 6, 2017 at 5:10 pmDear Karina,
Yes give him his space–however be clear that you’re not okay with either of you dating anyone else during this time. When you’re living together, take care of yourself and do your own thing while being friendly to him. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about the relationship, don’t ask him to go on dates etc. Say hello, how was your day and then go about your own day. Make dinner for yourself and take care of yourself. Let him see you being okay and getting stronger. Don’t settle for poor treatment from him or treat him poorly and don’t beg, plead, cry or blow up about the relationship. If he starts to see someone else, move on. In the future, no matter what, don’t you ever cheat on someone. if you’re not happy in the relationship, speak directly about your unhappiness and work together to fix it.
The habits you change and put into place now will help your child in the future–be sure to choose healthier behaviors.
Take Care-Lisa
Andrea says
December 30, 2016 at 11:26 pmMy husband of 15 years moved out suddenly one night. The next day when I came home he had moved everything he owned out of the house. I called one time, that day to see if he wanted to get help or talk. He stated no, that life was too short and if he had told me his feelings then it would have caused resentment. I’ve responded politely when he send a text about paying something etc. He’s had very little contact with our daughter, taking her out for about 45 minutes a week at best. To say she is devastated is mild. I’ve been a stay at home mother the whole time. He filed for a divorce immediately after leaving, I was actually served for my 15th Anniversary. (BTW before he had left he had already bought my present.) He has been gone for four months and recently moved about 150 miles away, he didn’t tell me or our daughter, but people talk. I’m still just trying to catch my breath, find a job, and tend to a teenager that is lost…how could he not look back or even seem to care. I know now that most likely there is someone else. I know that I need to move on, but it’s hard. I did and do love my husband. I just wish that he had tried to talk with me, offered counseling, something to help this make sense.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 3, 2017 at 9:54 amDear Andrea,
I am so sorry to hear this. What your husband did was not okay no matter how unhappy he was. He owed you an explanation and certainly owes your daughter more than what he is giving her. I encourage you to see this as his making not yours. if he was unhappy in the marriage it was his job to speak to that and put effort into fixing it. Keep your head held high, know this is about him not you and love your daughter up. Let your daughter know that sometimes people do bad things and she got dealt a raw deal. Let her know that she has nothing to do with his decision to leave and that she deserves to be loved and cared for. My heart goes out to you and your family. Treat yourself well, surround yourself with positive support and don’t ever look back–and if he tries to come back–close the door.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Drew says
December 11, 2016 at 5:10 amI lost my way of feeling like I was a hopeful boy
And tarried far from a place of confidence and joy
With thoughts that love could save me and somehow shine a light
It was my deepest passion that love could make it right
And that was when I found her and so was lit a flame
It was my hope renewed and clouded out my shame
She gave my life true meaning and so began my life
Blessings of two daughters when she became my wife
Now it seems it’s ended, I failed to look inside
Always looking out and full of selfish pride
She said that time will heal the scars of how the heart will yearn
And how her love has ended never to return
I vowed my love eternal through sickness and in health
But now I start the healing and must do it for myself
Thomas Andresen says
November 22, 2016 at 9:11 pmHey Lisa,
PLEASE HELP NEED ADVICE**My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have been together for 11 years she was 18 when we got together and I was 25 she is now 30 and I am 37 we have 4 beautiful children together. Our relationship from the beginning was based off of lies I lied about my age my car and I was even married when I met her. Our relationship has never been great and I have verbally abused her many times as well as her to me but hers stems from what I have done to her including getting girls numbers which that hadn’t happened since year 5 We are now sitting at year 11 and she wants nothing to do with me doesn’t want to talk and says the thought of seeing me makes her want to puke we still live together but the problem is I am in Chicago for 7 weeks for training and I am on a plane right now heading home and get to see her for only 5 days I have done the approach of everyone else and text her all the time and call her non stop and make excuses that it’s so I can talk to my kids I’m jealous and insecure and she told me the other night that she ‘may or may not be giving her heart to someone that wants it again’ and even quoted something he sent her…I don’t want to lose her but I only have 5 days at home and then I’m gone again for another 10 days my fear is that she will continue to get close to this guy and want nothing to do with me PLEASE help what should I do?! I want to change and her to be my everything but said she hates me for saying that now that why didn’t I say it earlier when I ask if she wants a divorce she says she is scared for the kids and uproot them from everything they know and not having a dad at home would crush them but won’t say anything about him or if there is a him please help
Selena says
December 26, 2016 at 2:48 amWow. I’m sorry you’re going through that. It makes me really emotional just reading this.
Steven says
November 19, 2016 at 10:47 amLisa my wife and I have separated with court date of Jan 6 for finalizing divorce. After 12 yrs of marriage. I sold my biz several years ago and couldn’t find a good job so we sold our house to get out of big payment . She had been telling me we needed to do something about finances. I had gotten disheartened about not being able to find what I needed as a job. She said in july maybe we need to separate so I said counseling after a few sessions she said she was moving out. I panicked did all the wrong thing but have gotten that under control and have been going to counseling for myself. Have given her space and don’t call unless she calls me. Since we have been becoming friends again last night she was over and we had a great time. She fell asleep at the house so I went to put her phone on charger when I plugged it in it came on. I saw she had gotten a text from someone else she has been honest saying she was talking and texting someone else but that’s all. My issue is she seems to have been texting him while in bathroom so should I bring this up of how rude or just let it go?
Lakeisha says
October 31, 2016 at 4:19 pmHey Lisa,
I cheated on my husband once with one guy. The guy ended up feeling guilty so he told my husband. Its been one day and he already has an appointment to see the divorce lawyer. I have been doing all the wrong things like begging him to stay, blowing up his phone, pressuring him to give it another shot etc., and his answer is still the same. I even asked him to wait a week to see how he feels and I am still constantly rejected. I only have a short amount of time. I really want him to stay in my life. What should I do? I said everything in the book. I reminded him about our good times together. I reminded him of the hard times. Still nothing.
Selena says
December 26, 2016 at 2:49 amIf you cheated is because you don’t love your house husband.
Kelly says
October 29, 2016 at 3:19 pmLisa,
On August 12, 2016, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years and the father of our 4 year old daughter, was having an affair with a lady he works with. At first he claimed they were just friends and there was no feelings, however, it eventually came out that he was very emotionally involved and even said he loved her. (It started in June 2016). The AP is also married. He has admitted to meeting up with her, but he claims that they have only made out passionately, but nothing past that. He also says that he knows he loves me, but wasn’t sure if he was in love with me. He says he hasn’t been happy for a while. He says that I have been very selfish throughout our relationship (which is true, I just didn’t realize it until I was forced to look at our relationship to see what went wrong). He does not believe that this will change and he says he doesn’t want to waste 5 more years only to be having the same conversation down the road. I asked him to leave to figure out what he wanted.. This was after a severe panic episode where I was clingy, needy, and anything else terrible you can be in this situation. After 5 days he came back and said that he was done and they had said their goodbyes. I welcomed him back with open arms. I didn’t ask any of the questions I should have. As you can imagine, this didn’t last long. While he has not seen her outside of work, communication through text and phone calls is still happening. At one point I broke up with him and the next day he blocked her number and would be very open about when he was struggling and I would do my best to be supportive during his withdrawal period. That lasted 11 days. Then back again. He said he could not do cold turkey and that it just didn’t work and he was trying to make a transition. (We both know that would never work). During this time I kept checking on him and his phone bill being very jealous. I would confront him if and when he talked to her. I feel like I’ve lost my mind! Slowly over these past few months he has become very angry. I can do nothing right. The smallest thing sets him off. He is aware of this and even states that he has not felt this way in a very long time and he does not like that this is happening. I finally have decided that I am moving out with my daughter for a while to give him space to decide A. Is he going to give up his affair and B. If he wants to be with me and work on our relationship. This will also allow me time to work on myself. I am no longer checking his phone bill or asking him about his affair. Since I told him I was moving out, he has been even more distant, angry, and horrible to me. I know I did the wrong thing for a while, but is there any hope? Is his response normal for the situation? Is there anything else I should do? Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!
John says
October 18, 2016 at 4:37 amHi my wife is leaving me. She already moved out 2 weeks ago and is staying with her friend. She needs space to think and alone time. I made the mistake like every man does by texting too much. At first everyday and later every 2 days 1 text but kinda long. She also doesn’t write back and I understand that. I didnt read that I should leave her alone but always thought if I leave her alone then she might think I dont care. After reading this I’m not going to write anymore for a week but do you think its to late since I kept on texting. Do I still have time to fix it? Was thinking about me and not about her feelings. Man I should’ve read online first what to do but just went on instinct and now that I’m looking through the texts it was to much. I’m starting to see it all from her side just hope its not to late.
Julio says
November 1, 2016 at 2:58 pmThis is exactly what I did, I begged, cried, texted too much and called too much. She wanted space and the only thing I was doing was not giving her space, but pushing her away. I decided I was going to stop looking for her. But I wonder if it will still work since I already cried, texted, called etc…
Carri says
October 9, 2016 at 6:06 pmMy husband and I just recently celebrated our 24th anniversary…by the grace of God! Things haven’t been right between us for about a year and a half now. He had a perverted friend that was always cracking jokes telling sexual stories, and just an all around PERV! I felt bad for his wife because he didn’t care who was around….Anyway, every time we hung out with them I would have to hear what HE said what HE did….Well, I didn’t do it!
Then he lost his God given mind and had a feeling that I cheated on him with this PERV or one of his friends! This has NEVER been an issue between us. We never worried about each other being unfaithful…this cracked our foundation. I was so hurt that he could think of me in that way after all these years.
I have done everything you said.NOT to do! And I do regret it! Things started getting back to
Normal when I found out he was sexting out next door neighbor’s ex-escort girlfriend. My neighbor took her and her kids off the street, but she’s still his whore! Anyway this had been going on for a few weeks and he swore to me it only got weird the last weekend they spoke. They also did all their sneaky shit on FB messenger where he had a fake name and also found several email accounts that were not in his name with mail from Iamnaugty.com and match.com
He said he did those things to try to track me….as far as the skank next door, I don’t think anything physical happened, but let’s face it, she’s a PRO! This hurt soooo bad. I had tried to open up our sexual relationship and letting my defensives down, trying new things, buying clothes and toys…and our sex is AMAZING! It always was good, but now it’s mind blowing!
I never thought he would hurt me like this. He is the one true love of my life. I have been with him 1/2 my life:…I want this to work but I can’t be the only one trying….I’m exhausted!
I make ALL the plans, weekend get always, plans for dinner, and I love spending time with him. He is my best friend!
All we do is sling shit at each other
I decided today that I am going to stop trying! I have given him all I have for 1/2!my life, and I’m not happy.
I feel ignored as he never answers my texts but jumps when it’s his buddies
I feel disrespected as he does what ever he wants when he wants with no respect or regard for me and how I feel…especially coming home at 5am from the casino!
I feel like a fool and useless for not knowing what he was doing on his phone with the skank and he obviously wasn’t getting what he wanted from me. I have tried to send Him sexy texts and they go unanswered…most of my texts do
I love this man, but I know I have to accept things have changed and so has our marriage. I just wish he would
Leave if he wasn’t happy…I told him I won’t beg him to stay or
Right with him anymore
Over it…itbis what it is…I can’t make Him want to be with me,’or love me, Or want me….
It’s the worse pain I’ve ever been thru….feeling rejected by your husband Of 24 yrs, and not knowing a life without him.
I won’t reach out for his hand, I won’t cuddle up with him
In bed, I won’t text or call him at all unless necessary….
I hurt so bad….it’s making my anxiety and depression escalate, and he has no interest in even how I feel….he tells me he loves me constantly, and God knows I want to believe him and live the rest of our lives with no resentment or doubts and no hard feelings for things we cannot change. Thanks for listening! I’ll be looking forward to your response!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 8, 2016 at 6:05 pmSo sorry for the delay in replying. Your husband is not treating you like he loves you. When in doubt–ignore the words and pay attention to his actions. Take the time for you to heal and move on. You deserve better–and you did NOT cause him to cheat. His cheating was not about you. Put the blame where it belongs. If he was unhappy he had the right to tell you so, ask you to go into therapy with him or he even had the right to leave. He did not have the right to cheat. Hold yourself in warm regard and unless he does a complete turn around and is willing to go into couples therapy with you, think seriously about moving on without him.
I hope that you are already healing from this.
Take Care-Lisa
Jim says
October 8, 2016 at 6:11 pmI have been married for 8 yrs and together with my wife for 9. We’ve had ups and downs throughout. She has cheated and I moved out she begged me to come back and I did. Things never got back to normal I don’t have trust for her and don’t like her to do things because it scares me. Now she has been gone for 2 days and I’ve heard nothing from her said she needed space but she won’t talk or anything to me. What do I do?
Rachael says
October 16, 2016 at 8:27 pmLeave. Let her go. She won’t change.
Mark says
December 4, 2016 at 4:45 pmYep don’t bother, mine was the same.
Chely says
October 8, 2016 at 9:25 amMy husband and I have talked divorce and he already mentioned he is not in love with me. He loves me but he is not in love with me. I can understand why. All my negativity and stubbornness pushed him away little by little for years. I admit I have problems and sadly it had to come to this to realize I need to change for myself and my kids. I have seeked helped to help me get through all this. I am now trying to focus on me to be happy by having me time hanging out with my friends, working out getting more active and healthy: he sees all that and now he throws it in my face that now after all these years I’ve decided to change and it gets him so mad that he wishes I would have done this before he fell out of love with me. It does hurt to hear him say that but I try my best to not let him get to me. I want this for me and it hurts to see the person I love feel that way: I have already told him that I want him to heal from all this and I understand and I acknowledge why he feels that way and I take full responsibility for that. I told him I will back off and give him all the space not only for him but for myself as well. My question is how do you get your husband to miss you when you still live in same house and sleep in same bed? I thought about maybe going to spend the night at my moms house for the weekends. So we can really have that separation and he can really see what it will be without me in the house for 3 days. I live an hour away from my moms house so I can’t go daily and stay over. So I know only the weekends would help. Is that something I should do? Or just stay in house and just be me? I want him to really think and myself too what we have and if we are willing to take that step. So I’m just trying to find the right thing to do to give him that space.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 8, 2016 at 6:09 pmDear Chely,
I apologize for the delay in responding. By now I’m sure you have made a decision one way or the other. Your idea to go to your mother’s on the weekends is a great idea. It give you both the time and space to miss one another. I hope it has worked out for you both. No matter what happens, I’m glad to hear you have been working on yourself. Working on you is the best thing you can do for yourself and all of your relationships.
Hope you’re doing well,
Lisa
Alex says
October 5, 2016 at 2:51 pmHello Lisa!
I have been with my spouse for 9 years and married for 3 years. He has Bi Polar disorder but has never gotten help. Within the past year, he has had several issues with his family. He found out his father was sleeping with other men and then his parents divorced. He has had a hard time coping with his dad. Also, his dad calls constantly and asks him to do so much for him and he gets really overwhelmed.
I started school late August and we haven’t been seeing each other much at all. He works on the weekends and I work during the week. We also have a three year old son. I had noticed he was pulling away some and not eating as much. He had talked some about being so depressed but not knowing why. I tried to help by surprising him with a night out which we had a great time. A few days later he started staying at a friends house. He is no longer taking my calls or his fathers. He says he needs some space because he feels really unstable right now. It has been about three weeks and I have heard very little from him. Unfortunately for the first week, I pestered him with phone calls and text messages because I didn’t fully understand what was happening. I still am not sure I do. I felt like we had a great relationship up until a few weeks ago. I know he needs help with his depression though and I don’t know if I am much. He asked me to go to marriage counseling and I said yes, but I haven’t heard from him much since then. I let him know of a place, but never heard back.
How do I keep calm during this time? I am feeling so much pain and really do not want to be a single mother. I still love him to pieces, but I do feel really distant. Our schedules were so polar opposite. Do I just wait it out and if so how long? I don’t want to give him and ultimatum because I feel like that will push him away more.
John says
October 3, 2016 at 1:19 amHi Lisa,
My wife and I have been together for 8 and a half years. Most of our relationship has been wonderful. However, a year ago my wife started acting cold and distant. Then about 10 months ago I forced the issue and she said it was because she not sure she wanted to be married anymore and she was confused. After about 9 months of working on our relationship (mostly me just fixing all of the problems she mentioned) we seemed happy most the time with the exception of the occasional “talk” again about how she’s still confused and needs to find herself. Then a month ago, we decided to give each other a lot more space. I thought this would help, but yesterday she said she wants to separate. After that we talked and actually had a nice evening ending with us making love. This morning we talked more and had one of the nicest brunch dates we’ve had in a while. Great conversation, lots of laughing, etc. I am so confused. I’ve been trying to see her point of view that she needs to separate to see how she feels about our relationship and herself and that she is unable to know if she can love me the way I deserve (i.e. be completely in love with me again) until she has time apart. But we still love each other, are attracted to each other, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Should we just separate and move out like she wants so that she can find herself and decide on what she needs from a partner? Or should I continue to insist on marriage counseling? I just feel like we are still perfect for each other but she is going through some kind of identity crisis. I don’t know what to do.
Hurt/Confused says
October 2, 2016 at 9:59 amGood Morning,
I have been married for 18 years. I have known my husband for 30. I have not been a perfect wife, but I strive to make everyone happy. Two years into my marriage, I had a affair. It started emotionally, then advanced. It lasted a month. To be honest, it was horrible. My husband filed for divorce, and then dropped it a few weeks later. It was a struggle, but here we are 15 yrs later. Last year my husband got in contact with a old girlfriend. This is a lady he knows that I had a problem with for years. He didn’t tell me, I found out by our cell phone bill. He called her to “validate” the reason he married me @ that time 17 yrs ago. I was devastated. That would talk for hours! She was married, her husband found out and it quit. I became very insecure, jealous of any woman. We worked through it last year. I though things were going good. He has a “client” that is female. He has given her money to purchase things, and “avoided” me when I call him out on it. He does not charge her, like his other clients. He texts her everyday, or calls. He insists that its nothing, she has a boyfriend, and how I need to trust him. We have recently separated, he got back into contact with the old girlfriend. While he has been gone, he would talk to her for hours…… He told me that she is a psycho, and realized what her true intentions were. They have not had contact in a month now. However, back to the client, he will text her 1st thing in the morning. She has gone horseback riding with him. Granted I didn’t like going, but he never asked me either. She is 10yrs younger than him. She’s blocked me on fb, she texts him asking if he is ok, or just to let him know she wakes with a killer headache? He says she’s like a daughter. I have read messages, there is nothing but talk about business, except he has told her things of our marriage, even went as far as to let her read my private thoughts I text him.about reconciliation of our marriage. I am at a loss as what to do. I love him more than anything, but its making me physically/mentally ill. Ehere is the boundaries? Am I being unreasonable? I want him back, but I’ve been told I’m to controlling, and I should trust him, he’s not a cheater. It kills me not to talk to him, but he can go days without texting/calling. Tells me if I want him back its my turn to pursue him. Help
Sophie says
September 29, 2016 at 9:18 amHi Lisa, I married my husband 3 years ago. This last year he started drinking heavy, but everytime I asked what was he worrying about he said it was work. H’s had two women that live out of state contacting him, he stopped once I find out, but he still thinks because it wasn’t physical it wasn’t cheating, which I don’t agree. Three weeks ago he told me he loved me as a friend. That all his drinking was to cover his feeling. The friend issue, I think comes from his psychotherapist. He asked her that while he drinks he always says he married too fast. So she suggested maybe it was a friend-lust relationship. I don’t agree with it, but that’s what he’s feeling right now. He started going to AA everyday, but I feel he still isn’t focusing on us, its all about his alcohol. I love him but this is so hurtful. We has gone through ivf and it didn’t work. Now he told me he was doing it because maybe it was a solution. He also said he gave me signs things weren’t working, like not wanting to hug me in public. I was totally blindsided. I’m lost right now. He thinks couples therapy will help and he asked me to give him time to think about his feelings. He thinks his therapist will help him with that. I left the home for 10 days and he contacted me multiple times a day but always distant and more informing me about what he’s up to. I miss my husband, I don’t recognize this person at all.
Katherine Solis says
September 26, 2016 at 10:38 amHey Lisa,
So my husband and I have been married for about a year now and we have a baby on the way. A month ago I left home to take care of my baby brother and help out my mom. After a while I started missing my husband and wanted To go home but he told me to stay and help out. So I did, and our phone calls and texts seemed like they were so distant…one night I asked him if he was cheating on me because he was always distant. He got mad and then told me that he wanted to be alone. I tried going back home to him to be with him but after one night I couldn’t take the pain that he didn’t love me. He had told me that he has been thinking ever since we got married that he was too young to have a family. But he didn’t tell me to not hurt my feelings. So I packed my things and came to live with my mom to give him space. But we still text everyday and talk about our daughter(baby on the way). I don’t know whether I should just give up or keep trying. It doesn’t seem like he wants to be with me. Please any advice would be helpful.
Mitch says
December 8, 2016 at 12:08 pmHi my name is Mitch. I’m going through the same thing except my wife is in Mexico. I did everything that every body else did cry, text, pleading. This is what I’m doing now: I text her about 1 time every 3 days, I tell her that I have goals in life and that my life has changed in a good way..it seems to me space and a text every once in a while help–but don’t ever show them that your hurt. Let them know you’re becoming a better person. For example I started going to the gym and keeping a smile on my face and taking a walk or running–it helps. I’m still trying to get trust built back up. I noticed if I don’t text she calls me. I believe in the Lord, people, and counseling but the one thing in life pray and leave it up to God, He will lead you in the right direction
Maggie says
September 25, 2016 at 3:01 pmHi lisa,
I’m writing this because I’m terrified that I have lost my husband for good.
We have been married almost 7 years. He is the love of my life and the father of our 2 kids. We have had some bumps In the road of our marriage. In July I mentally shut down and left and hooked up with a guy and for a few weeks prior to leaving I was chatting online and not behaving as a married woman should. Since then he found out and we have tried to work on things. I have tried to be open but my stubborn head causes more problems now he has left saying he needs space. I’m destroyed and broken and want my husband back. Help. Please.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 25, 2016 at 7:30 pmDear Maggie,
I suggest you get into therapy to figure out why you made the decisions you did. Next, start showing up differently with your husband so he can see you’re trying to learn from what happened. And–give him some space.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Tasha says
November 10, 2016 at 12:55 pmIm having the same issues as maggie. We have been split for 3 months. He started wanting to do breakfast and hang out the weekends after I had left him for another man. In the meantime, my feelings for him have gotten strong. I want him back and to make our marriage work but he keeps saying no he cant trust me. He doesn’t want me. We’ve been together 9 years with a lot of ups and downs. What can I do to change this?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
November 11, 2016 at 12:27 pmDear Tasha,
Because you left him for another man, your husband’s right about not being able to trust you. Trust doesn’t just happen because you say that now you love him again. If you want your husband back the only chance if for you to earn his trust. Show up day in and day out. Answer his questions. Let him see your phone if he wants. Ask him to go to couples counseling with him. Explain to him why you did what you did and why you will never do that again. Right now you’re number one focus needs to be on earning his trust and showing him that you’ve learned to handle hardships without running from them.
Recognize this will take time and make sure you have apologized with an open heart and have taken full responsibility for the affair. He needs to know you get the pain you caused him.
Take Care-Lisa
Solomon says
December 27, 2016 at 12:27 amHi Lisa
Got in a big argument with my wife about her cheating on me though I didn’t have proof. It all started by her turning her phone off whenever I got near her then being back on when I walk away. Then going in the room and shutting the door to talk to her “mom.” Though she’s never done this before. We live in Colorado but she went back to Washington for 2 months to work to catch up on our bills. Ever since she got back she seemed more distant. Didn’t want me to touch or anything like I always did before she left. I had to beg her to make love and when we did she wasn’t interested, always saying it hurts and to hurry up. Now she’s back in Washington with her mom and our 2 daughters. I did everything the article said not to do. Is she cheating on me? Is it too late to change what I did? Ive been crying a lot and texting her saying you lied to me. I still love her and I miss her PLEASE HELP
Mark says
December 4, 2016 at 4:48 pmSorry but you can simply never trust a spouse who has cheated. It means they didn’t really care about you and only realise too late that the exciting fling is not substantial.
Keith Noel says
October 29, 2016 at 1:44 amTime and patience because I’m in the same situation. I have a wife and she left and I have two children with her. Sometimes we have to just let it go like water and let it flow with the love of God and think positive and keep yourself busy.
Diana says
November 6, 2016 at 7:48 amRead the book AFTER THE AFFAIR. Find a couples therapist that specializes in Gottman marriage counseling..
Tara says
September 21, 2016 at 3:15 pmMy husband left me last Thursday after I had an affair since April of 2016 off and on. We have three children together ages 5, 4 , and 14 months. We have had problems in our marriage for the last three years with money problems and arguing over senseless stuff. We have been together for 9 years and will be married 7 years on October 10th I ended the affair last month by telling the guy over text message and he got mad and went crazy on me. Telling me he was going to ruin my life and tell everyone in my family. I finally calmed him down enough so that he wouldn’t. But last Wednesday me and my husband got into an argument and then that is when he brought up me cheating. He said he knew for months. He just wanted me to come clean but I had a hard time telling him because I was scared and I was hurt. I had tried to end it on many occasions but I was also scared of what the other guy would do. I have been sick and stressed out and angry with myself for months. My husband and I have never been broke up or left each other in the whole 9 years we been together. Since he left I have been very emotional, and getting right with my faith in God, praying hard, and depressed, and have lost 10 lbs in a week. He has packed a bag and been staying with his parents. While me and my children are at our house living. I have been nice to him and not arguing except that I want to talk about the situation and he doesn’t. He keeps telling me he needs space and for me to leave him alone or I will push him away more. I don’t want a divorce and he doesn’t want to talk about it either but he told me to give him space. I have been going to counseling and he has been to our church pastor to talk to him. All of them say that its a good thing for him to have space. He tells me not to talk to him at all unless it has to do with the kids. I don’t see how this is positive and how we can work on this and try to save our marriage. I don’t understand how men think or feel in this situation and I need advice. I do want to save our marriage and do want to work this out and build our marriage back up to be better then ever. I know that their will always be that memory and that scar from this and I will have to live with this the rest of my life. I have told him how I feel several times and tell him how much I love him and miss him. The bad thing is that I’m the only one working and he was the stay at home dad. I have never been alone. I went from from living with my mom to getting married to him when I was 20 and moving out then. I haven’t been single since I was 16 years old except the three weeks before I met him when I was 18. He is a good father and he is seeing his kids but I’m having a problem with the situation we are doing. He went from telling me he loved me and being in love with me all these months to actually breaking it to him about the affair and then all of a sudden he wont tell me he loves me. Their are times he will say that he will always love me and have a special place in his heart for me but he isn’t in love with me since the affair. But he said that he knew since May I was doing this but he never showed he signs he knew he went on like it was nothing. We still said we loved each other and we still had sex. Yes their was issues in our marriage and I wanted to work things out before this happened but he wouldn’t go to counseling with me. He never seemed to try. Because despite what he things he had issues too. I’m not the only one that hasn’t messed up. A year a go he texted some girls as and being flirty. It devastated him that I found out and he cried and I took him back in one day and forgave him. I know I went a lot further then him. We are trying to be civil because of our kids but I’m inpatient and wanting answers and what to do to fix this and make things right because we have three kids together and try to work on our marriage. I feel like the people around him are giving him negative advice about me because his mother and sister never liked me. I just need more advice of what to do then what I’m already getting. I need to know what this space he is referring to is going to do for him as well as me. I mean I know he told me that I need to work on myself and I am but I’m having a very hard time with this split.
Devastated Wife says
September 17, 2016 at 6:27 pmI have been married for 17 years and with my husband for 19 years but knew each other prior to that as well.
About 6 years ago my husband suffered depression but he got help and has been doing well. For the past 3 1/2 years he has been doing a very stressful job that has required him to be away from home during the week and return on weekends. This has been very hard and looking back my way of telling him I wanted home may not have been as clear as I thought, as he tells me he felt that I was not attentive enough when he was home. Unbeknown to me he has been struggling since November last year, although recently I noticed changes it has all come to ahead the past 2 weeks. His depression has relapsed and this time he said it feels very different. He doesn’t want to kiss me and tells me when he holds me it doesn’t feel the same. His answer to any of my questions is that he just doesn’t know. He has already sort medical help but states that he is not at a point of wanting to go to Counselling and that he just needs time. Over the past 6 months we have made some significant decisions relating to home and finances and I didn’t see any signs that he did not want these. Even to the day of him finally opening up we went ahead with a kitchen renovation and he didn’t say we shouldn’t be doing this.
Part of me sees that he doesn’t want the marriage over but he tells me doesn’t love me. I am just so devastated I will do anything as I love him beyond words. He has gone away again – I told him this is his home and I want him here in any capacity.
We have a 15 year old son who we have spoken to and been very open with and my husband told him to look after mum she will need you and this is not here fault. But its not just his fault I can see how I have contributed but for those things I simply haven’t had the control over.
I am suffering this anxiety that I just can’t describe and am so scared that he will never come back to me.
How do I get through this time ahead and how much space should I give him – I feel we need to still talk and him come home otherwise how do I fight to save our marriage and remind him of what we have?
Bb says
October 1, 2016 at 7:01 pmMy husband did the exact same thing to me. I’m my situation he was getting emotionally close to someone else. When he crossed the line, he did not want to be intimate with me. His moods would change and he would resemble the loving husband I know and then be very distant.
Emma says
November 20, 2016 at 11:17 amDevastated Wife, your story is identical to what I’m going through now. My husband of 8 years but together for 14, started to say he didn’t feel the same about me anymore. He tried to stay in the house for the kids but my despair was palpable at all times and it pushed him away. He seems depressed, has lost weight etc but I’m going to try hard to let him move out and have space.
Zack says
September 13, 2016 at 3:05 pmHi Lisa,
So 3 months ago my wife decided to move out and that we should take some time apart to think about our relationship and why it wasn’t as fruitful as it once was. We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 2, and certainly we hadn’t been connecting or been as happy together or sharing with each other as we had in the past, although we were trying to have a baby earlier this year before deciding to wait a little while longer. After graduating university in June, she then took an opportunity to travel to Costa Rica for 2 months to volunteer teach and visit her sister who lives there. The whole time during our communications over this period I was assured this was a positive thing for us and we would (slowly) focus on getting back on track when she gets back. I started seeing a counselor (because she thought it would help me) weekly for the last 6 weeks and the plan was to go to couples counseling. Now that she has returned she has been extremely distant and she is leaning towards wanting a seperation without, in my eyes, fighting for us, which she says she was doing before she left. She has another opportunity to teach in England and is seriously thinking about it and says she thinks she wants to go alone. I’m completely lost, going bonkers trying to figure this out and don’t know what to do!
Thanks, Zack
Missy says
September 13, 2016 at 8:42 amHi Lisa.
I am 39 and my husband is 35. We have been married 12 years and have an 11 yr old son. 3 weeks ago my husband told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and wants a divorce. He said he still loves me, but isnt in love with me. We have had ups and downs in our relationship. 10 years ago I cheated on him and it lasted a year. Once I was finally able to break free, my husband told me we would move on and never discuss it again. A few years after that I caught him texting a girl, but he said they were just friends and that was done he never texted her again. Since that time things have been great with us. In the past few months we began to argue more, almost like he tries anything to annoy me. But in the past few months I became suspicious of him. He wouldn’t come to bed until late. And began hiding his phone, walking behind me to check it. And having it attached to his hip. I questioned him on this and he said he just wanted his privacy. The night he told me he wanted to leave, I asked if he talks to a girl and he said yes. Just friends, just talking, he did not do anything. He met her at work.
I want to make our marriage work. I want to go to counseling and he says no. He said he is afraid to try to make it work because he might regret it. Since that time, we have only talked about this one other time, and he still said he did not want to be with me. Since then it has been 2 weeks. I’m trying my hardest to be happy around him, not argue, get along like we used to. He has slowly begun to talk nice to me. He still will not touch me, and wont hug me back. I just don’t know whats going on. He’s still here, talks to me, we go places together, take our son places, but do not talk about him leaving or working on our marriage. I’ m so confused. I feel if I bring it up it will make him angry. But then I feel like I cant just let this go on, with me hurting so bad in the inside. Sometimes he is great with me. But then when his phone comes out his attitude towards me changes. I’m sure he is still texting. I really want to go to counseling and save our marriage. He just seems stuck, like he said he wants to leave, but is still here spending time with us. I’m so confused.
Kesha says
September 12, 2016 at 4:05 pmMy husband and I have been together for 6 years. I started to cheat on him a year into our relationship as his girlfriend before we were married. He has always been in and out of the relationship but always came back. My family believes its verbal and mental abuse because everything is always my fault and I believe him. I don’t cook nor clean like most women do. But he continued to stay me. He says it’s because I’m his first. He can’t trust me–I’m not a woman to him and he’s done but he keeps on flirting with me. Well three weeks ago I was told that if I make him feel like I’m moving on he will fight for me so I lied and pretended to want to go out and he tells me that he found another girl who makes him feel like a man and she’s a woman. A week later he flirts but this time he didn’t want to have sex with me because he felt he was doing both of us wrong giving me false hope and leading her on. He told me he loves me and has feelings for me but doesn’t want to fix it because we’re toxic. I leave him alone and keep out of the conversation our son. He is confusing me–texting random messages to me asking for favors but still going days without talking to me at all. I want to figure out what he’s thinking. I love him but my lies lost him.
Vanessa karnes says
September 12, 2016 at 3:24 pmMe and my husband have been married for only one year it will be 2yrs on December 19th, but since we been married we had so many different changes from the birth of our son to his mom getting mad at us for leaving before july4th.
We had an argument on the 7th of August and he left for Tennessee to be with his mom and family, at first he was coming home on the 10th of August and then all of a sudden on the 19th of August he was filing for divorce and joint custody.
Every since then I’ve been trying to rekindle our marriage, I keep asking for a second chance but he keep saying we Anit going to work but he texts me in different ways everyday, I’m so confused should I just give in or what should I do I need help
Paul says
October 5, 2016 at 7:31 pmSeems it can happen at any length of time married, I’m dealing with it and we’re married 15 years. I bet you can’t sleep or eat normally. You go through everyday in a fog, wondering what you did that would have caused this, you can find a hundred things yet not one in particular. It hurts you feel a deep loneliness , and wondering what the other is doing or feeling. I feel what ever makes your heart and soul have its comfort, then you follow that path. God brings people together for a reason, yet he gives us free will. I do feel your inner self will move you in the direction you desire, love is a gift, doesn’t matter how it’s rapped
Audrey Scott says
December 25, 2016 at 9:16 amI agree with your sentiments love is the ultimate gift that is why it is so extremely painful. When it is severed. My husband who I adore left me 6 weeks ago and I am still in quicksand. Today is Christmas Day and the first time on my own without him for 20 years. Doing all the things we would normally do together I am now doing alone. Visiting our daughter’s grave alone was the hardest especially as it is Christmas.I believe in God and I pray for hope and guidance. I have to stay strong for the sake of my sons. One lives with me and also my mother who is unwell. I can feel total sympathy for any person who is going through this situation, you feel so lost everything feels surreal.All I believe we can do is pray and hope that what is meant to be will be. Have Faith in the Lord and faith in yourself. Each day is a day forward. With upmost respect for each and all.
Mike says
September 6, 2016 at 9:06 pmHi Lisa,
I am 30 years old and my wife is 28. We have been married for 2 years. Before dating, we were very good friends for a year. We started dating when she was 22 and I was 24. Our relationship has always been the envy of all our friends. We both love going out and have very similar interests. Last month, everything changed. She came back from a bachelorette party in Las Vegas and was having issues with anxiety. She said that she has been dealing with anxiety and depression since graduating from business school in May and not having a job. She also admitted that she has been talking to a guy she met in Vegas, but has not cheated on me. However, she says she needs space and time to figure herself out. She has been drinking a lot more and going out a lot. The other day, I found out that she had met up with the guy she met in Vegas. I asked if she even wanted our relationship to work, she said she didn’t think so. She decided not to go on a trip with my family, and we have been apart for over a week. I have been talking to her less. Today, she texted me asking how my trip was and was talking to me about maybe going to a concert I had invited her to a few weeks ago. I called her later today and she seemed less interested. Honestly, I have no idea where to go with this. I love her more than anything, and would do anything to save our marriage. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to continue with this depression and stress trying to save a marriage that is unable to be salvaged. Thank you for your advice.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 10, 2016 at 6:30 pmMike,
Let her know what you’re thinking. Let her know you love her and want the marriage however you’re not going to be waiting for her forever. Be clear that if she starts to see another man you want to separate. in the meantime–take space and take care of yourself. Often when you take space, it gives them the space to miss you.
Good luck–and don’t wait for her too long. You deserve to be in a loving marriage with someone who wants to be there.
Lisa
Chris says
September 6, 2016 at 4:34 pmMy wife and I have been married for 10 years and have two children together, 5 and 2. We have had our issues over the past, me being selfish over the years and taking advantage of her kindness (not helping with the house/kids, arguing every time she wanted to go out without me, bugging her until she bought me whatever new electronic came out that week, not being a supportive husband during crisis’s, and the list goes on and on), her not standing up to me and giving into what ever I want just to make me happy because she is a kind soul and wants to make everyone’s lives better. Both of us talking to each other thinking we are on the same page only to realize months later that we aren’t. She approached me in January to let me know that she was tired of making our marriage work and that she didn’t want to do this anymore and we have now been separated for about a month now.
When she told me in January I of course did all the wrong things, begging her not to leave, accusing her of taking my children from me, etc. In the coming days we decided that we could not afford for either of us to move out while we owned our current home since my wife is a stay at home mom. Over the next 7 months I started to work on myself, I began going to therapy to work on my issues that I recognized, I started being more engaged with taking care of the house hold, asked my wife whatever I could do to take things off her plate, we began cuddling before going to sleep each night, and after a time our sex life returned as well. We would have conversations every now and then and each time she would say that if I had done these things in the past then we would never be here but now she is too hurt and needs to get away from me.
I am not sure where to go from here as she has acknowledge the changes I have made is what she wants but its too late. We both have realized that we both have done things to damage our relationship and both agree that we each need counseling (me continuing since I have been going since February). I am at a lose as to what to do since I feel if we both agree on the things we have done to hurt our marriage and I have already proven over the past months of my dedication to fix it, why can’t we give it one more chance with professional help and a new outlook on things.
Diana says
November 6, 2016 at 8:02 amCould you say something like Can we give 4 months of both of us going to marriage counseling ? I know you are skeptical that the changes I have made are going to last. But divorce attorneys will always be there, so can we try this before that?”. Then give her space. Even if she says I’ll go but only twice, that’s a start.
Kai says
September 5, 2016 at 6:48 amHi Lisa,
I first read your post when my husband said to me I still love you but not in love with you. I think your article makes good sense, but my emotions got the better of me and I did all the “don’t” on the list and then some. Now he’s left and happily dating (tho he denied it). He is on a diet, got a shave, working out, buying new outfits, and going to fancy restaurants with “friends” on weekdays rather than helping me with our one year old. He does come almost daily to spend an hour with our son when I cook dinner. And we talk. The more we talk, the more he’s convinced me he’s happy without me. He still care about me (apparently…) and we spent Father’s Day visiting his grandparents, to whom he has not told our separation. Some days he would let me tickle his back, fall asleep on our bed when I stroke his legs, some days he does not answer calls or texts, and crossed his arms when talking to me. He did say no when I tried to make a move on him. And when I told him how sexy and attractive he is, he said now you want me when it’s too late. I used to think that he was just confused and wanted a break, but he reassured me he’s not coming back.
I am aware of the issues we have, my dependency on him coz I don’t have any family and close friends where we live. And how he always let me have things my way such as parenting style and what furnitures to buy. I do not know how to work on these issues being apart, and I can not confront his new romance, which is making reconnecting impossible. I know he’s very far gone, but I felt loved and beautiful for the last ten years we were together. I want to be able to make him happy again, rather than feeling betrayed and angry. Things has been hard for the both of us because we have a high demand baby who rarely sleeps well at night. I can understand why he wants to quit, but I can not forgive him abandoning me and our young son after choosing to enter parenthood with me. I want some insights…
Jay says
September 4, 2016 at 4:17 pmHey Lisa I’ve been married now for 4 years. Together for 7. Have 3 children. About a year ago my wife became very distant and cold. Wouldn’t talk to me, barely made love to me and was almost like I was never home. I sat her down and told her how I was feeling and that I was thinking about leaving her. She said she hasn’t done anything wrong and that she doesn’t know why she was like that. Soo she continued to be like that and I made the bad mistake of an affair. She found out and was obviously furious with me and wanted to end the marriage. We did end up working it out (for the most part) and we stayed together. Every so often though we have an argument and when it gets a little heated she says she’s not in love with me anymore and that she’s trying. Recently she said she does love me but wants to respect me again. She’s said she wants some space to let her come back to me on her own. She doesn’t want me to move out or her. She still wants to be my wife so my question is what kind and how much space should I give her
Madonna says
September 4, 2016 at 3:47 amHi Lisa,
We´ve married for almost 10 yrs now, no kids but he have 1 from previous relationship. Since day 1 we agreed to the kids. We had a lot of wonderful years together until this year. We had series of fights because of me nagging him that I want us to start a family since I am 34 yrs old already. He said he needed more time to think about it, then I gave him time until August. One night that was August 5, we sat down and I asked for his answer. He said that he is unsure about us having kids. So I told him that if that is your decision I would like a divorce. I told him that all the way that I want us to have kids but if he doesn’t want it then I will divorce him. Then the next day, he told me that he changed his mind and said Yes, we can start the process of IvF. He said he doesn’t want to throw away those 9 and half good years that we´ve had together. I was so excited, ordered an appointment at my gynecologist immediately. Until last August 25, he had a boys trip to Malaga, Spain for 4 days. That saturday I sat down on the sofa and check photos at iCloud. I found two photos of a woman in there. The next day I asked him who was that. He said a woman they met in there and ask all their numbers and start sending pictures. I really have this strong feeling that he is lying. Then I snapped, I sent sms telling him I waited 9 yrs to have kids, helped him pay his debts and this is all I got in returned a cheating husband. When he came back from the trip, he wanted us to divorce because he couldn’t take it anymore. He said he just said yes about us having kids because he don’t want me to get hurt and the reality is he doesn’t want to have kids with me. He said that he wanted out of our marriage 2 months ago but he didn’t know how to say it so I don’t get hurt. I found out that he is interested in that woman. Maybe that’s why he dumped me like that. We had a talked and he told me that he still loves me but he doesn’t have passion with our marriage anymore. I even tried begging him to stay but he said its really over. Please give some advice of what to do because right now I’m so down. Its so painful that our marriage just ended.
Amy says
September 3, 2016 at 10:17 pmThank you for this article. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. However the last 3 have been rocky. I had been sick for about a year and last summer I spent a month in the hospital because of a rare form of lung cancer (I’m a non smoker).
Fast forward, to the middle of August, and he tells me he wants to be single and no longer married. He just turned 45, bought a corvette in June, and lost both of his parents within the last year. He has changed drastically..
We had an amazing marriage (so I thought) — upto the last few years. However, he refuses to speak to anyone and just wants out. He told me his has been unhappy for 5 years, but never told me before. I could feel him growing distant recently, but i was busy healing, working, raising our daughter, and just dealing with life. He told me he was leaving and just moved out a week ago.
Before he left, I begged, pleaded, and made promises. However, since he left I have assumed radio silence. I wait for him to contact me concerning our daughter and have not sent any emails or texts.
He has a ‘hobby’ that attracts lots of young admirers. I am afraid that he thinks this will ensure a fun single life. His boss has also provided a rent free condo for him to stay in for the next few months — no financial responsibilities.
Is there any advice to help me win him back? Is there hope? I have been craving a more affectionate marriage the last few months, but he has not. I just did not act soon enough and was hurt by him growing farther way.
I do know that he has formed an emotional relationship with a young girl, but they had not become physical (so he has said).
Kevin says
September 3, 2016 at 1:30 amHey all
Been together with my wife for 13 years and married for over 1 year. We both have 2 daughters together. Long story short I was trying to provide my family with the life I never had so I started a construction company which in turn went 5 years of major ups and downs. With my wife and I constantly arguing and stressing about money and how were going to pay bills rent etc over the past few months I guess she’s been thinking it’s over. We took a trip together with our kids and we argued over pointless stuff as apparently I found out and am fixing it myself (as I have realized things on my own) I get frustrated, angry and pick fights over the stupidest things, even when it comes to the past of wanting sex and she didn’t. I got frustrated and angry over this, stupid yes it was. Sorry got off topic a bit of a squirrel moment lol. But to go back we have lived where I wanted to for the past 7 years and she has wanted to move back home and I didn’t. Few weeks ago when we were down there in British Columbia I had realized what’s she’s been wanting and how selfish I have been so had come to realize I want to give her what she was talking now. We got back home to alberta as we were going to discuss compromising on the situations, and that night I was going to surprise her with the news she drops the ball of I don’t have feelings for you like I did. I’m not in love with you anymore and want to separate and me being who I am automatically went into save my marriage mode and tried to convince her not to leave me. We still had to live together for the week after so it was me constantly wanting to talk about this and wanting us to stay together. She kept getting frustrated with me saying she doesn’t want to talk she has heard me out and she just wants space. Well relentless me didn’t take it well so I began to do some nice gestures after 2 days I went bought her her favorite chocolate a card where I said more of what u had to say in a romantic way kinda like a poem and some flowers. Got home and asked her to go to my truck and look and got her to play the please forgive me song by Brian Adams ( cheesy maybe in love with her definitely she told me it was sweet and kinda had a second thought of maybe we just need a break go to find out she was just feeling a little sorry for me. Anyways as the rest of the week went on there was 2 nights of a little massage and a little cuddling and sex. Don’t mean to get too into it but when she mentioned about doing it she said it was for me because I have needs and she doesn’t want me to think anything more about it. Moving forward we are now in BC I’m staying at a buddies place and she is staying at her mom’s with our kids. I went a few days with not really texting her or calling she made the first moves on this. Her texting or calling me wasn’t really about the girls at times. I am trying to give her, her space and time to think things over but I’m worries that she will find herself another guy which in turn another relationship. I want to be together, she doesn’t. We had gone out twice this week since we moved alone together and I have not mentioned anything about our relationship and getting back together, just trying to show her I am changing everyday. Sorry I am all over the place I have never written one of these before but to kind of wrap it up looking for some advice on this and If I should once in a while ask her to go for coffee or a walk or whatever to prove myself and try to save our marriage. Or with the whole speel I gave what are your thoughts and has anyone been in a similar situation and had their marriage survive. I don’t know if I’m looking into things to much but when she’s texting me randomly telling me stuff or asking me stuff and willing to go out with me, to me she still has those feelings I don’t know. Looking for some advice or anything. Thanks in advance and sorry for being all over the place on here lol
Robert says
September 2, 2016 at 12:24 pmI have done everything I could to get my wife to love me for the last 7 years… she literally does not have to care for anything at all in the house, no bills, chores, etc, nothing. I’ve always understood where she came from, very conservative, and she is also under a lot of stress with work/school (medical school). She has been very affectionate/needy but rejecting me at every occasions when it came to physical intimacy. I made vain attempts to reinvigorate our passion I have burned myself out caring for every single one of her needs getting my own rejected time and time again. I have spent years searching for what I was doing wrong, what needed fixing with my brain. I feel like I woke up 2 weeks ago from a coma when I realized I could be attractive to another woman (I merely ate out at a small casual restaurant with this person, for 1-2 hours, in a rush between two appointments). I had never felt I could be attractive to a woman in at least 7 years… I just can’t go back. I want to feel alive and cater to my own needs. I begged my wife for therapy for years and she finally caved in when I admitted that my love for her had completely faded; I only feel I love her like a daughter at this stage, affectionately caring for every single one of her needs without any expectation in return. We went to our first session and we were told to try to reconnect, spend time together, etc… but I just feel like moving on, I don’t trust people can change. I feel I have done my share already yet she can’t let me go because she needs my help to survive until the end of school. I just want to find someone that can love me back and I don’t trust her after all those years of being capable of that… I feel like a bad person for saying that but I just feel like I want out, I want to live again and go looking for someone that can care for me as well as I for her, I don’t feel our marriage is worth saving… Maybe I’m a bad person for saying that but I don’t trust her to genuinely care about me. I believe her motivations are purely fear of failure that divorce represents and needing my help with her life’s goals… I have been her confident and assistant thus far but my very basic need for physical intimacy has been ignored so badly I just feel my odds of feeling loved again are better if I start fresh elsewhere…
Nick says
August 29, 2016 at 9:43 pmMy wife and I are separated for a month now, at the beginning of the month she said she wants a divorce and said that she would like me out by Oct 1st. The reason for this is in the past my wife has caught me on a dating site doing sexting. She was pregnant and wasn’t having sex. I did it for enjoyment but never wanted to meet someone physically, well at the end of last month I was on the site under my friends name cuz they were new to it and I was showing them how it works. Well my wife went through my phone and saw it. My wife has big trust issues stemming down from when she was younger with her father and with her last marriage as her ex was a cheater. During this time the first couple of weeks were hard, in the past week I changed my attitude and my wife started back at work again cause she was on a leave for surgery. I changed my attitude. We’ve been cuddling up in my bed (we sleep in different rooms right now) and watch movies, every other night after work she’ll let me give her a full body massage. Twice we have made out during the week, but a couple of times she has asked me am I trying to be the fix it husband or the supportive friend. I told her just a supportive friend, this is me, this is how I want me to live my life to be a better person. She will tell me I will make the next person very happy. We are seeing a psychiatrist next week, me on Wednesday and her on Thursday. She doesn’t know I’m going Wednesday with her to the appointment. She agreed herself that she needs to get help with her trust issues for the past 20 years. When we cuddle she rubs her feet with mine and I hold her with my arms around her. When either one of us leaves or comes home we will give each other a hug. When it all started she says she doesn’t want either of us saying I love you cause it would only make it harder. I’m trying to wrap my head around this. It’s the little things that I see in her that makes me feel like I know she still loves me but she’ll say that I’ll make the next one very happy, can someone give me their input?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 2, 2016 at 7:31 pmDear Nick,
To read your comment one would think that your wife’s mistrust is all her fault. That’s crazy. She’s not mistrusting only because of her past–she’s also jealous because you’ve been deceitful. You were on a dating site–when you were married–sexting other women. What part of that do you not see as being untrustworthy? Your wife doesn’t trust you because she shouldn’t trust you. You haven’t earned her trust. Not only did you do it before, you then taught your friend how to go on the site–why would you do that to his relationship? Until you fully own YOUR part in your wife’s distrust, this marriage is likely to not make it. Apologize to your wife from the heart–tell her it’s YOUR fault she doesn’t trust you –not hers and then SHOW her that you truly are going to do things differently. I suggest you go to therapy to discover why you cheated and to learn ways to make long-lasting change that will make you proud of yourself and get you a great marriage. If you do that–you may just get a great marriage.
Until then, stop telling yourself or your wife that her trust issues are her fault–that’s a lie you’re telling yourself.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Diana says
November 6, 2016 at 8:08 amWhy would you go to her psychiatrist appointment with her, when it is her appointment? I think you need to look at your behavior as controlling which could be viewed as emotional abuse. You have to take responsibility for that.
Jose says
August 29, 2016 at 8:57 amHello Lisa,
I’m new here. I’ve been married for 11 yrs. with 4 children ages 15, 7, twins 5yo.
For the past 5 yrs. my wife and I have been on a roller-coaster ride with our marriage. After we gave birth to our twin girls, I started seeing a change in her. We used to have sex 3 to 4 times per week and then 1 time per month to no sex. She started going out by herself and telling me she was meeting her girlfriend that I never met. After 2 months I found out she was having an affair. I have forgiven her 2 times and never have brought it up during one of our discussions. I have always been a supportive husband and hands on with the kids and house chores (cooking, cleaning, bathing the kids,taking them to school, laundry, & food shopping) while working a full time job. Our we time was no longer there, she would rather go to sleep than have a conversation with me or she would ask me to rub her back and feet and fall asleep. I don’t text, I don’t do social media, and I don’t play online games. I’m just too busy running the house and trying to be the best husband and taking care of my responsibilities. She doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling, I have. She has asked for space on 4 occasions and I have complied. The first time was just for a month and she would bring me back. The second and third time for about 2 months. This 4th time I’ve been out of the house for 6 months (no sex). I have been seeing a counselor which has helped me cope with what I’m going through. The thing is she asks me for help. I still do everything in the house and pay the bills. I go and take over parental responsibilities at 6:30AM while she goes to work. I get the kids up, get them ready, make them breakfast and take them to summer camp/ school before I go to work. After work I get to the house before she does, I pick up groceries, start dinner and then go pick up the kids at 5:30pm. When she gets home the kids are bathed and dinner is ready. All I have done is kill her with kindness and her response to all this is “I thank you for everything you do but it does not mean we’re going to get back together”. Then she asks me, “why are you being nice to me?” and I reply, “Because it’s the only way I’ve been with you.”
I thought love conquers all, but I truly don’t know what else to do. I love my wife, we never mentioned the D word and all I want is us again. What is wrong with me? I’m kind, gentle, respectful, loving…heck I still send her flowers at her job, hand written Papyrus cards through mail, gift certificate from her favorite nail salon, massage spa and facial threading salon, buy her Victoria secret (I hand pick everything, because I know what she likes), her favorite wine and she has always accepted my gifts. We only have dinner in a restaurant when she request to eat out not when I bring it up.
Confused and in love with my wife
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 2, 2016 at 7:42 pmDear Jose,
Your wife is taking advantage of you and you are being way too enabling. Stop sending her flowers, picking up groceries and having dinner on the table for when she gets home. You’re teaching her to disrespect you and take advantage. Tell her you love her and would like nothing more than to get back together, however you can no longer come over every night to do dinner and get groceries. Tell her if she wants to stay separated then she will have to learn how to take care of the kids on her nights and you will take care of them on yours. Love does not conquer all when you have someone who is acting incredibly selfish and keeps taking but not giving. You have to love and honor yourself enough to raise the bar on how people treat you. Your children are watching as well. Be respectful at all times AND set limits. Then let me know what happens.
Best of luck!
Lisa
Jose says
September 5, 2016 at 6:34 amHello Lisa,
Thank you for the advice!
My feelings have been that she is taking advantage of my good nature.
Is been 7 days since my last post. We made plans to entertain the kids during the long Labor Day Weekend, bbq on Saturday , amusement park on Sunday, and head to the beach early for a few hours, eat lunch and finishing school shopping on Monday. At the last minute on Friday she cancelled all. She left the kids with her mother to go to a party. I was told she’s been seeing an older man on a motorcycle, she also rides a motorcycle and they were riding on Saturday. I called her mom Sunday to find out how the kids were doing and she’d said that my wife had picked them up in the afternoon to take them to a BBQ in a park with old people “as she quote” on motorcycles. 🙁
That leaves today, Labor Day Monday with me holding the white flag.
In regards of taking over for her in the mornings so she can go to work. Should I continue to do so or do I also follow your advice, “She will have to learn how to take care of the kids on her nights” and let her know to hire a sitter for the mornings?
Thank you again for the advice!
Jose says
September 21, 2016 at 9:11 amHello Lisa,
I’m contacting you to let you know how my situation is going.
I’ve stopped coming over to do the things I was doing to make her life easier without getting anything in return. She’s still obstinate and now don’t even look at me when we’re in the same room with our kids. I tried to make conversation with her, but all I got death ears. Later, she called me to asked if I can help her pay her credit cards. The thing that bothers me is that she does not want to have a conversation about us, but yet she can call me to ask me to help her with her credit cards. In June, 2016, I paid off all her cards ($6,000) not including rent, groceries, cell phone, car payment and insurances. Yesterday, I asked her to give me a date to sit down to talk about where our marriage is heading and she said, “there is nothing to talk about” and conversation was over (she walked away). I did not pay her credit cards for August and now September. She wants me to help her but I’m refusing to do so. She has maxed all her cards, she refuses to engage in conversation with me. So, I refuse to help.
I don’t relief her in the morning anymore, she changed her start work schedule from 7:00am to 7:30am since school started. She now helps me in the morning to get the kids (3) ready. By 7:00am we walk out, I drive her to work (20 minutes), then I drive my kids to school (25 minutes). During driving to her job I try to engage in conversation her and she doesn’t even say a word, all she does is texts on her phone and stares away the window. When I get to her job, she says bye to the kids and does not say a word to me and shuts the door. I say, “have a nice day”, but I get no answer.
I truly can’t believe this treatment. I have no idea what I did wrong in my marriage. I have been supportive in every way with her. I’ve never degraded her, abused her, or ignored her. All I have done is honored her as a woman, friend, and as a wife. I’ve asked her to give me an idea and I get the nothing. I love my kids but my heart keeps crumbling, don’t get me wrong, I’m doing great with my health, exercise, eat right, and I see a counselor on a weekly basis. My question to you is, “Should I keep trying?”
Confused and in love with my wife,
Jose
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 26, 2016 at 2:34 pmDear Jose,
The way your wife is behaving is not okay. I’m sorry to hear that she is refusing to speak to you. Know that this is about her issue not yours–no matter what you did, she should act with enough integrity to have a conversation about why she is leaving you. I would back off and give her space. You deserve to have her treat you respectfully. Take some space for yourself and continue to work on you. Don’t chase her. Let her know you are backing off and other than being a father for your children you will not be contacting her.
Know that you deserve to be treated well and until she begins to treat you respectfully, work on you.
Take Care-Lisa
Diana says
November 6, 2016 at 8:13 amHow many affairs has she had? One, you can get over but after 2 or 3 then that is a serial cheater. That won’t change.
Sad hubsabd says
August 27, 2016 at 12:52 amMy wife and I have been married for 5 years and known each other for 10. We have 2 great kids together a 5 and 1 year old. Recently she has been staying out later and coming home at weird hours and having bogus excuses. So finally one day she packs her stuff and leaves me with the kids. The next day she files for divorce. I did all the stuff that you said not to do which didn’t help of course. I didn’t sign the divorce papers but a few days ago a friend of the family saw her with another guy at a restuarant. She has cheated on me before–two months before this that I never forgave her fully for but said I did. And I think this new affair was going on before she left the house too even though she denies everything. Am I safe to assume she is done with me since she filed for divorce and moved out and started seeing another man?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 31, 2016 at 5:38 pmDear Sad Husband,
I don’t know if she’s done with you however, I’m wondering why you’re not done with her? She has cheated on you twice now and packed her bags and not only left you but the children too. My suggestion is that you get into therapy to help you get the support you need to be a single dad and to let her go. You deserve better.
Love yourself enough to move on,
Lisa
Shane says
August 22, 2016 at 9:22 pmWife of 11 years left without warning. I am 33 and my wife and I got married young at 21. We are high school sweethearts and I am the only man she has ever been with. We have two children 13 and 5. I am a very good husband and a great father. We have built a very good life with each other and have had a fantastic 10 years. This past year my wife lost 60lbs and has gotten a new found confidence in life. This confidence has attracted many coworkers and a little less than a year ago she had a very brief affair. This affair caused me to become extremely insecure and needy. I was always checking in on her trying to find out where she was at. I chose to forgive her but really never did. This caused her to resent me and last week she asked me for a 30’day separation. She had asked for this before but never went through with it and just called me crying asking me to just take her out for a great date. Since then things were great until she is leaving again. This time she’s gone. She rented a condo and I can’t control myself from texting and calling her. I need help with the kids and it just isn’t fair that I have been so great to her but am stuck in this situation. I don’t want to leave her as I do truly love her but at this point I don’t know what else to do. It’s only 30 days but seems to be the hardest thing I have ever done. She wants me to get my own life but I can’t because I’m forced to always have the kids. I just don’t know what to do!!!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 24, 2016 at 12:33 pmDear Shane,
The first thing I would do is come up with an agreement of shared custody so you are not the only parent responsible for the kids. She does not have the right to take off for 30 days and leave you responsible for everything. Tell her you want to “get a life” and will need her to have the kids on the weekends or during the week on certain days. Then work on yourself. Dropping 60 pounds is a big lifestyle change for the individual and for the couple–it might be helpful for both of you to get professional help to be better able to navigate those waters.
Hang in there,
Lisa
Mac says
August 22, 2016 at 10:48 amMy wife and I are having similar problems. We have been together since high school and when I went off to college she cheated on me. We reconciled and moved on, got married a few years ago, but I kept that anger in and had slowly started to ignore her and hurt her emotionally. Last year I had seen the error of my ways and tried to spend more time with her but she had multiple family members pass away so she began to stay with her family for weeks at a time. It’s been over a year of her not wanting to make time for us and 3 weeks ago I finally confronted her about it. She eventually said that I had ignored her for so long she thought she lost me and had just turned off her feelings. She said still loves me but isn’t in love with me and wants a break or space. I told her I don’t believe in breaks and proceeded to do everything you said not to do. I told her I will respect her wishes and give her space and then a few days later I will get emotional and start to try and fix us again. I know I need to give her space but I am struggling to do that. Am I doing anything right?
Dee says
August 19, 2016 at 3:45 pmMy husband of 20 years decided to leave 1 week before our 21st anniversary. He said he loves me but is not in love with me. Our relationship has been strained for awhile as I would take care of trying to pay our bills. I started to resent him and despise home because he would not listen or ask me why I was so angry. We are in financial trouble and he had a 2nd income doing self employment taxidermy on the side but he avoided that too. It is to the point jowls that he will either get sued or the gaming officer is going to show up and take all that he has from his clients. He left and I am still home worrying what to do and also trying to make our 18 year old not be depressed as he is so frustrated about everything. Help please.
mal says
August 23, 2016 at 1:28 amThe ol’ I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you means he has another woman… It really does. There is rarely any other explanation for that particular phrase to be used.
Jay says
August 17, 2016 at 11:48 pmMy wife and I have been married for 28 years I am 46 and she is 43 . We have had many ups and downs so for the last six months I have been verbally abusive. My wife just got tired of it and now she wants nothing to do with me. My problems were that I’m financially stressed and I told her that but she just got so mad that she doesn’t want to talk about us. She says that she just doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m very desperate to change so she can find it in her heart to love me again. I’ve been crying and telling her to give me one more chance for our kids sake and us. But she still won’t get over it. Every time I mention anything about us or when I try to tell her how I feel she just gets more mad. I don’t want to loose her and I’m willing to change in every way possible so we can keep our family together. We have 4 kids–2 are grown ages 24 and 19 and we have 2 little ones ages 11 and 9. But I’m in so much pain that I can’t control myself. I’m always crying and I don’t know what to do anymore. How can I make her understand that I don’t want to hurt her anymore and I want us to be happy and in love. Please I need help and she doesn’t want to go to a marriage counselor. All I want is for her to give me one more chance. I’m willing to do anything
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 18, 2016 at 9:39 amJay,
Get into individual therapy to help you through this difficult time and to work on how to handle stress. Verbal abuse breaks a relationship down and harms a person’s spirit. Your wife will need to see that you have truly changed before she would consider giving the relationship a chance–she can only see that over time in how you treat her. Do your own work and then show up differently when you’re with her–more respectfully and cherishingly.
Hang in there and get some support through this time.
Take Care-Lisa
juan says
October 1, 2016 at 1:40 pmhi lisa me and wife been together for 15 years and we have 3 kids. We are not married, I just call her my wife. This is the 3rd time she left me and I know why. She left me because of my drinking and doing cocaine. She caught me like 3 yrs ago on the phone with a friends sister but not because I was cheating on her. I was playing this poker online and I ran into an old buddy so I gave him my number and he went to jail so the sister called me because he wanted to talk. Anyways she lost trust. Another thing I didn’t do is help her clean, help her with the kids. I mean she’s a good mother house is clean every day. She’s been gone 1 month and a week. I forgot to mention she has never worked so now that we been separated she’s telling me she lost love for me a long time ago. Now she’s not thinking for the kids she says she wants to find herself. She doesn’t have anymore feeling for me but I asked her so you’re never coming back and replied I never said I was never coming back. I haven’t done any drugs or drank since she left, I go to church now, I take care of my kids, I clean the house, I do my own laundry–things I’ve never done before. I haven’t really given her the space. What’s your advise lisa?
Nick says
August 19, 2016 at 6:46 amThis is exactly the same as my situation. I was suffering from a thyroid problem for years without even realizing. It was causing me to be depressed, irritable and moody and struggling to get through everyday life. I used to be very moody and horrible towards my wife. She was also suffering from depression too due to work and various other things. We had a baby and things got worse because I just couldn’t function properly with my illness. Eventually after several months I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid and after several months of thyroid replacement things started to get better. Unfortunately by this time my wife had moved out due to our escalating problems and now says she doesn’t love me because she can’t forgive me for neglecting and being horrible towards her over the years. It upsets me because I felt like I was a different person when I was ill and now I’m becoming the fun active happy person I once was but for my wife it’s far too late. I’m devastated that an illness that I could of got treatment for sooner destroyed my marriage. Nick
Drake says
September 18, 2016 at 7:41 amYou will see you are going about it all wrong. Begging her and pleading just reinforces what she already thinks…. His feelings are more important than mine. You must make this all about her feelings and why she feels this way. The years of verbal abuse have broken her. This must be about her!
John says
October 10, 2016 at 9:13 pmLet me say by my own and a lot of others experience, I know the hurt,and pain,confusion,broken down looking for an answer,the truth is that nobody wants to say is when a women loses interest there’s no turning them back,its impossible! Men truly love – A women sticks around if she still has interest in you which doesn’t last that long, like a kid playing his favorite video game, eventually the kid will get bored and that game will get tossed aside and forgotten about. They say women are emotional, correct about themselves!
A man has to try his heart out to get a women to be a little interested, any little thing can turn them off. A women just walks out of the house and she has a ton of men trying to get her attention.
Bottom line, they had you, dealt with you, probably stayed way longer then she wanted to but is ready to shop around if she hasn’t found someone else already. There’s no magic secret to getting a women back unless it was over a petty argument where she was hurt or mad. When women get tired and let go better believe that that’s why they turn so cold and distant and think your crazy for asking them to work it out. They lost all feelings and look at you like your nothing. More yrs for a man builds more love and attachment–opposite for females. Their brains are wired way different then men’s are. The more you try the more she will hate and disrespect you. The less you try she will move on more graceful. There’s no in between unless she needs help then she’ll act the part until she gets what she wanted and your left standing there really distraught.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
October 14, 2016 at 3:51 pmDear John,
Wow what a said view of women. If this has in deed been your experience then I would say that you are hanging out with some really unhealthy women. Perhaps your philosophy about women is attracting this type of woman towards you. Just like all men are not the same, neither are all women. Until you’re able to change this view, you are likely to continue to get involve with women like the ones you’re speaking of. Or perhaps this view of women is actually leading the women in your life to leave–because they feel your distrust and disdain for them?
Either way, if you want a chance at a healthy, mutually loving relationship with a women, you will need to change this story you have about women.
Note to Jay–do NOT listen to John’s message about women.
Take Care-Lisa
Melissa says
August 16, 2016 at 4:40 pmI like your advice, but I am not sure if this suits my situation. My husband has complained about my lack of love and attention that he said has been going on for years. We have been together for 11 years, married almost 4. This is both of our second marriage. I have 2 daughters. He said I focused solely on them and totally forgot about him. To a degree he is right. I fully admit I did. But I guess I thought he is an adult and understands. I was bog time wrong! So now he is at a point where he told me he isn’t in love with me anymore, refuses to go to counseling and blames everything wrong in our relationship on me. He said he refuses to take 1 drop of responsibility for this and that he tried everything in his power to get my attention…again…I agree. I have tried the things you mentioned above out of shock, hurt, and thinking I’ll sex him back into loving me. His emotions are up and down…one minute we are talking and hanging out, the next he goes into a verbal rage and tears me to shreds with his words. Now he is at the point where he is barely talking to me at all and said he wants to be left alone …he needs to figure stuff out. I asked him if he wants to divorce and he says …I do not want to make that decision unless I am completely sure. Mean while I am over here a complete wreck! I am now giving the space he wants, but one minute I am depressed and crying and the next…angry. Do you think there is any hope at all he will want to work on this? I know it’s hard to say when you have one side of the issue. I completely take full responsibility and he knows I do, but he as of right now said he doesn’t want me to “try” anymore because it is making it worse and I am being someone he knows I am not. So do I just lock myself in my room while he is downstairs?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 17, 2016 at 2:51 pmDear Melissa,
Listen to his words for right now and give him space. Be kind when you see him but don’t chase him. When he rages–set limits–don’t just take it because you’re desperate to not lose him. He will lose respect for you if you accept his poor treatment–so don’t. you can extend an invitation to him when you and your daughters are going someplace but with no pressure, guilt or upset when he says no. Just have it be a matter-of-fact invitation. In the meantime, get yourself some support as you go through this difficult time. It’s best if you are able to show up strong and independent not needy and upset.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Tyler says
August 16, 2016 at 1:07 pmLisa,
I have a tough situation that I’m needing some advice for. My wife and I got married in our early 20’s while I was in the Navy. Basically the last 10 years have been a roller coaster. We have 2 sons who we love so much. After I got out of the Navy in 2012, I promised her I would get better (as in depression and lack of confidence) fast forward to a week ago and she has basically told me that she wants to move on as if I need to prepare to be independent. The main issue has been that she has always been the one to do the “grown up” stuff like bills, scheduling, taxes and so on. From what I understand, she is basically telling me that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore because I wasted too many opportunities to step up and take care of things. I honestly would love to remain married to her and I intend on using this “separation” time to reinvent myself a little. My question is this, even if I’m going to move on and prepare as if I am going to be divorced, is there any way I can show her that I still lover her without looking desperate. I guess I just feel as if this has awakened me and if I do change, I would like to sort of re introduce myself to her.
Thank you,
Tyler
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 17, 2016 at 2:45 pmDear Tyler,
When you say, “I intend to use this separation time to reinvent myself “a little”, my thought is you will have to reinvent yourself a lot if you want to win her back.You will have to show her that you can be an adult and take care of things and you have to show her that consistently over time. I don’t know if this will win her back but I do know that if you don’t do it, you’re unlikely to have a chance at winning her back. When women finally leave, it’s typically because they feel the man won’t change. Your best chance is to change in the areas she’s been complaining about for years. Work on you and when you see her, don’t tell her all they ways you’ve changed–show her with your actions.
Good luck!
Lisa
Shannon says
August 16, 2016 at 7:45 amMy husband and I have been married 3 years. 10 days ago he told me he fell out of love with me and feels bad about it. I told him I have falling in and out of love with him for the since we married. He told me that it wasn’t going to work if i was in the home. We have a 4 year old together. So he is paying for a motel room for me while he is waiting for that feeling of “in love”comes back. I was devastated that I had to leave and wait like a sitting duck for him to hopefully have feelings for me again, when I always stood by him and never told him to leave when I didn’t even like him let alone feel I was in love with him. I have been through those feelings and told him that marriage isn’t that easy and sending me away to a motel room is not what you do to your wife and say you are working on our marriage. When money started running out I told him we only have $X amount left and we need to take care of of our responsibilities..auto ins, reg, etc…so I need to come home. I was told ” yes go ahead and come home and see what happens”. ” It will not work if I have to see you everyday…That shows me you just don’t care about me and you don’t want this marriage to work”. I was speechless. So I am currently in the motel still and I don’t know if I’m wrong for wanting to just go home and telling him to deal with it ..I’m staying in my home with my son. My question :Is it okay and healthy to send your wife away while we are working on our marriage? I always believed that would be the last thing you do . Am I wrong?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 24, 2016 at 12:36 pmDear Shannon,
Go home and spend time with your son and tell your husband to deal with it. If he can’t handle it then he can move out into the motel.
It’s his struggle and kicking you out to a motel is not loving or responsible.
Calmly go back and let him decide what he’s going to do–while you move back home.
Take Care-Lisa
Nik says
August 13, 2016 at 1:58 pmOn Tuesday of this week my wife texted me and told me she wanted me to move out. She had said this about three weeks prior, but we worked out an arrangement.
About a month ago I worked up the courage to be honest with my wife about my own debt. I’d always been very vague about the amount of debt I was in and was afraid that if I was honest she would never be able to forgive me. I am hoping that I am not right about the never part, as I determined it was the absolute right thing to come clean and tell her about the totality of my debts. Our agreement 3 weeks prior included me having no more credit and paying almost all of my income (minus a portion of money for weekly expenses) towards debt to get out from under as quickly as possible. I also provided all of my credit and student loan information so she could monitor everything.
On Monday night we had an argument on an unrelated topic. These kinds of arguments have been fairly common (maybe one to four per month). Typically right before she would go to bed (we have two kids, so finding time to talk is not always easy). Then on Tuesday I received the text.
I said a bunch of things via text trying to get her to give me a chance, but I have come to the realization that her mind is not at a point to allow her to hear what I say. Of course, I also had said things via text prior and she has determined that I am only saying things and won’t change.
Coming to the realization of how much damage I have done (being selfish in so many ways and keeping such a HUGE secret for such a long time…11 years together and 5 years of marriage) I have determined that I need to change. Not only to try to keep my family together, but to become a better person all around. A better, more open, more positive person who takes equal or more share of the kids and who is not too afraid to open up.
On Thursday of this week, after having asked my wife to go to counseling with me – she declinded, saying she was done talking and that she had asked many times in the past and I always said “no,” I decided to go to the counselor on my own and try to get support and perspective. I believe this is a very positive thing for me and have already made another appt. for Wednesday of next week.
Now, looking at your list of “do nots” I can see that I am committing some of them, mostly unintentionally due to the fact I am living downstairs and living in the same house with the two kids (thusly, I am not really ever totally away). I am doing my best to provide space, but it is difficult. I am also trying my best to not discuss anything with her, but that too has been hard. Following my counseling session she asked what I talked about and I told her. I am thinking going forward (or until she decides she is willing to attend…if ever) I should keep my counseling conversations between myself and my counselor.
Also, last night, having watched a movie with her and the kids, I asked her if we could talk when the kids headed to bed. She said we had talked two nights in a row and didn’t know if there was anything else to say. I said I just needed 2 minutes. During this time I told her I felt we needed to try to have more space. I am feeling that the space that we have established (separate rooms and not going places together/as a family nearly as much) is allowing me to focus on what I need to do to become the person I want to be. I mentioned that we should continue to support each other with the kids and enjoy each other’s company when we are around one another, but that I would try to find things to do in the yard or away from the house on weekends.
The interesting thing in all of this is the mixed signals. We have had three nights in a row of dinner together with the kids and then doing something (getting ice cream, taking the dog for a walk, watching a movie, etc.) together. During these nights, to me, it almost feels like a fresh start. I feel like I am more able to be loving and more willing to listen. I want this to continue, but I also know the space is needed.
I have also made changes for the better. I have determined to participate with my kids in their activities and to not always be a selfish ass when someone suggests doing something that doesn’t enthrall me. I have determined to stick to the budget plan and get out of debt. I have determined to get off my ass and start doing things around the house that I have always said I would do, but would put off or only slowly start and then maybe, sometimes, finish. I believe all of this will lead to me being a better person one way or another.
The hard part is the wait. I so desire for my changes to be seen as something that will last and not things I am only doing to win back my wife. But, after only 4 days I know that is easier said than done. I know time is needed. I fear, however, my wife wants us split sooner than later. I feel that with space, we can grow and become the family we once were, but with space and distance (living apart) there will be a much smaller chance.
On to the mixed signals…my wife continues to wear her wedding band (as do I). On our walks and talking to others she talks about things we will be doing in upcoming years. She says “ours,” “we,” “us,” etc., but she also says she has not changed her mind and I believe (not purposely) I oversaw her looking at homes on her phone. I am getting a clear feeling that, though she has an inner feeling for me and somewhere has a small desire for us to work, she is purposely shielding herself from opening up to the possibility.
I suppose what I would like to know is, what can I do to provide the greatest chance for her to open up to me again? Everyday I am here I want to talk to her and try to communicate about it, but I am also doing my best to not do that. I don’t want to have her feel as though she is being forced to make a decision (especially knowing what that decision would be right now).
Should I simply continue addressing myself and attempting to be a “better” person while living with her and the kids and without ever bringing anything up? Should I wait for her to bring up the next part? I know she has not made up her mind on being divorced, as she told our daughter that divorce is a “big” decision when my daughter told her we should simply get a divorce since our living together was “weird.”
Anyways, any advice, positive vibes, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I need someone/people to communicate with so I do not go insane.
Thanks!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 16, 2016 at 5:32 pmNik,
It sounds like you’re doing great. The best way for her to trust that your changes are for real is for you to continue to show up differently and consistently maintain the changes. Continue doing what you’re doing and focus on your growth–she will see it over time.
Lisa
Brent says
August 9, 2016 at 12:56 pmMy wife and I are newlyweds. She doesn’t like my nephew’s wife because of an incident on social media. With no other chance given to my nephew’s wife to try to make amends. We had a small private ceremony. A week later my mom decides to have a family dinner at her house to celebrate our marriage. I was told by my wife to make sure that my nephew’s wife wasn’t there. I was told by my mom that she couldn’t be there because of work so I didn’t tell her to make sure she wasn’t invited. I didn’t want to cause a rift in the family. Short story long, she ended up being there with my nephew. My wife saw her and abruptly left. She then got angry with me because I didn’t leave too. I made the excuse for her that she was sick, so that my family wouldn’t think ill of her. Soon after she was calling for a divorce. She deleted my presence completely from all of her social media like I never existed. She took down our pictures in the house and started sleeping in the other bedroom. She even burned all of our notes to each other and other memories. I have told her that I understand where she is coming from about my nephew’s wife, but that she is reacting very poorly and childish to it. She says she is not a doormat and will not let anyone disrespect her and that she expected me to stand up for her. She evidently always just cuts people out of her life as soon as they do something that she feels disrespects her. I felt that my nephew’s wife was trying to be a bigger person by showing up and trying to support her husband’s uncle even if she didn’t care for my wife. I didn’t want to tear my family apart over an argument that was petty but I keep being accused of being a doormat that never stands up for myself. Everyone keeps telling me I should just let her leave and be done with it. Please help!!!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 9, 2016 at 5:59 pmDear Brent,
It would have been best if you had a conversation with your wife when she initially said she didn’t want her at dinner if you felt that was too much. I don’t know what was said on social media, however unless it was really over the top, this reaction seems extreme. There’s a different between being a doormat and being overly aggressive and reactive. Again though, I don’t know what was said. If your wife has a tendency of cutting people off, it would benefit you to set limits on that behavior rather than placating it or over-accommodating to it. It would also be important that you get help to address that now before that behavior ends your marriage. Ask your wife to seek couples counseling to talk through this issue since it’s likely that she will not listen to you alone.
Hold your ground calmly and respectfully…and hold it.
Lisa
Miranda says
August 5, 2016 at 7:22 pmMy ex and I were together for almost 6 years and he cheated on me once when I was pregnant, and again when our daughter was 6 months old. We had “tried” to work it out then but looking back, I did all of the things you said not to do in your article.
We have been separated for a little over a year and I started dating someone 4 months after I moved out of our house. This man is gentle, intelligent, has goals, but is very different from me. Recently my ex started dating the woman he cheated on me with and I lost my mind, I thought he would wait on me until I figured out what I wanted to do. He begged me to get back with him for 8 months and I refused because I knew he wasn’t ready. Now I’m feeling like I’ve missed my chance to work things out with him because he’s moved onto her. We recently slept together and both realized we had feelings for each other still and thought of working it out. I haven’t told my boyfriend, because I know he cheated on me a while back and I never brought it up because I was too afraid of losing someone that would distract me from missing my ex. He and I had a toxic relationship at the end. I don’t know if it’s salvageable or if I should just stop seeing both of them in that capacity. I feel like this is some turning point in my life and I have no one to talk to about it.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 9, 2016 at 11:01 amDear Miranda,
My suggestion is that you SLOW DOWN and really think this through. Listen to your wisest voice–what is it telling you. Be careful to not run back to your ex out of desperation of losing him to another woman–that’s no reason to go back. Journal, pay attention to how both men treat you, live their lives in general (meaning do they live in integrity–are they “good” guys or not). If you were to honestly ask yourself if these men are good for your future, what would your response be–and don’t give a knee-jerk response, really slow down enough to think it through.
In general you don’t want to make any decision out of fear. If you’re at a turning point in your life then truly take the time to make sure you take the right turn.
Good luck!
Lisa
Ryan says
August 1, 2016 at 6:54 pmThis article has definitely helped by given me some guidance and direction. My wife just called me a week ago after being gone for a few days up near her work. She proceeded to tell me while slurring drunk that our marriage wasn’t working and that she doesn’t think she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I’m devastated right now. We had recently spoke about things and I was working on taking us places, spending time showing her I loved her and things were looking much better. Then she hit me with that out of left field. I’m extremely confused and hurt. She since won’t talk about it with me. Screens my calls and won’t answer or return messages. She rarely if at all will return texts. I know now that I shouldn’t have pressed so hard initially but I stopped. I hadn’t reached out to her for a few days and just asked how she was. The reply hours later was a fine and please move your stuff to the guestroom and come winter start looking for a place to live because she’s going to rent the house and move closer to work. I told her I love her and care for her, but that I will respect her space and as hard as it is for me not reaching out to her or telling her I love her, I would leave it up to her to let me know when she was ready to have a conversation about things. I’ve read your article 5 times now for reassurance. I want things to work out.
David says
July 31, 2016 at 4:53 pmI was a terrible husband. I thought I wanted a divorce and she didn’t believe me at all. One day I brought home papers that were actually filed and she finally for the first time broke down crying and didn’t want to end the marriage. At that point we hadn’t had sex in over a year or slept in the same bed for a longer amount of time. That night we finally had sex. The next day I went to work and I came home to a note on my nightstand stating how she didn’t want to lose me and how she wanted to stay together and get counseling. Well I was in disbelief because she never shows emotion. I had to think about it. Three days later I said I wanted to go get counseling and I realized I messed up a lot and she said she was done and wanted a divorce. In three days she went from all out wanting to work things out to not. I did panic for about a months time and couldn’t eat or sleep all that well. As of two weeks ago I told her I didn’t think I should edit her college papers anymore because I felt used. Since then and applying the no contact, she has called four times. The last time was a week ago and nothing since then. I am currently on a work trip to Alaska and she is at our house in Hawaii. She might not be there when I get back though. What do I do? I recognize everything I have ever done wrong in my marriage
Christi says
July 21, 2016 at 2:18 pmMy husband left yesterday. He says he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. We’ve been together for 11 yrs and married for almost 3. He says he’s been lying to himself and to me the entire 11 yrs and doesn’t think he’ll ever change his mind. What should I do?
Marc Wells says
July 31, 2016 at 10:33 pmChristi, I am sorry to hear this…my wife left after 20 years of marriage, but, she was missing for 3 days first. The police found her and said that they discovered she had been leading a double life for several years, that neither our sons, or me, knew about. Yes, it was painful to the boys and myself, as she left with a woman and a man, a married couple she met online. However, we just accept that this was her decision. Its been 6 months now, and I am still heart broken. What I want to tell you is that if he felt this way, it’s better he do it now, instead of waiting…believe me.
Richard says
August 8, 2016 at 7:01 pmI am in the same situation. My wife left a week ago. We have been together for 11 years. Married for 5. I love this woman with all my heart. When she first left on July 31, it was only for a few days. I was overwhelmed. This is tearing me apart. I feel like I’m losing my best friend. Now on August 6, we have a romantic dinner that I planned myself. After dinner we get into a long conversation and she says she loves me but she wants to separate. She doesn’t want a divorce. And after reading this article I have been trying to win her back the wrong way. I told her today when I picked up our 3 year old daughter that I realize I have been pushy. I told her that the door is always open and my feelings for her wouldn’t change. I wasn’t listening before but I am now. I hope it’s not too late. I told her that she probably felt unwanted and neglected. She said yes. So I told her no more pushing from me. To come home when she’s ready. I also went to talk with a counselor today. I have an appointment set for next Tuesday. I plan on going and keeping these appointments. Hopefully she will go with me.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 9, 2016 at 11:03 amDear Richard,
Well done!
I hope things work out for you–what you are doing now is your best chance to win her back–stay the course.
Take Care-Lisa
Richard says
August 9, 2016 at 11:54 amThank you, it’s just so hard to do this. She is my rock. My father is also dying with lung cancer so that makes this so much harder
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 9, 2016 at 1:56 pmRichard,
You’re correct– it is really difficult to do. Find as many supports as possible. I’m so sorry to hear about your father.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Richard says
August 10, 2016 at 10:29 amIs it wrong to tell each other we love each other during this?or kiss at all?
Richard says
August 11, 2016 at 12:40 amWell, she told me tonight that she isn’t in love with me is what she told her mom today. And she doesn’t want a divorce yet. So confused. And so hurt. Idk what to do. This is not how I wanted this to go. All I want is my wife back. And there is a strong possibility of her being pregnant. I’m so lost right now.
Christi says
August 1, 2016 at 6:36 amAfter 4 days he wanted to come back but says he still feels disconnected and doesn’t know if it will work out. He came back but I left and went to my parents. After him saying that he’d lied for the whole 11 years I’m not sure I can trust anything he tells me. We talk everyday but he won’t go to counseling and 2 weeks later I’m still at my parents. What is my next move? I’m going to counseling myself. He is very disconnected and depressed. We are still physically intimate and he seems to like me but doesn’t want to hold hands and he makes things awkward. I’m so lost.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 4, 2016 at 3:17 pmThe first move I suggest is to stop sleeping with him. If he’s really serious about working on the marriage, he would agree to get into couples counseling with you. Let him know that you’d like to try to make it work but only if he’s willing to get into counseling with you. If not, stop being sexual and move on with your life.
We teach people how to treat us. You are not teaching him to treat you well.
Don’t allow fear to drive your decisions.
Love yourself enough to expect and demand more.
Lisa
Laport says
August 4, 2016 at 6:56 amI have left my husband several times during the corse of our marriage.
We were married in Sept of 2008.
I left him in May of 2010 because he lacked any emotional fiber.
I was the soul supporter of the household and his young son lived with us.
He never held my hand touched me or showed any emotions towards me
I was gone a full year and decided that I wanted to return to try to make this work
I can honestly say that I am not sure if I even really love him or if I feel for his son.
I stayed home with him for three years and still no emotional value in our marriage what so ever
He is not a very emotional person and he had a very hard upbringing. I am the complete opposite I am highly educated and I came from an upper scale family with morals and direction
I kept trying however he just could not open up to me
I stayed however I started to travel extensively just to escape his presence
My father passed away in the intern of this and I was beyond devastated
He did not even know my Father because my Father wanted no part of him due to his background so he was under the impression that my Father was already deceased
Well. After my Fathers passing I found out that I had breast cancer
I was still in Westchester county. We are from Albany NY and sought treatment there while staying at my sisters home
I told my spouse what was going on and he did not believe me. He actually said that I had a reduction??
He never came down to see me nor was he by my side
He was riddled with bills since I was not there however this is no excuse
After a year I returned home again because our dog Fred was ill
I was still pooling blood in one side of my breast and my blood count was horrible
I purposely stayed downstairs in the home to avoid any added stress from him
He was actually very nice
I stayed one month and had to return for more treatments and another surgery
Again. Nothing. He never stood by me through this whole ordeal
5 1/2 months have passed by and I am finally semi okay
I recently found out that he is letting his 17 year old son live in our home with his 18 year old girlfriend???
Where is the moral fiber
Plus this is his sons first experience
Just insane
We fought and he chooses to ignore me over copious fights he has blocked me on his phone
This home was bought with my 15k he is driving my deceased Fathers car and I am not even there
I do love him because he does have some nice qualities
I knew going in that he was lacking in emotional fiber and us paranoid at times
He recently told me that I could stay there while I buy another home?
It is our home not all his home
I must say that I am perplexed and I believe he thinks that I have been carrying on with my ex husband ( who is married) and just had a child
For some reason I think he has always felt inferior to me since I am well educated, have money, and I modeled for several years and keep myself very fit
I just do not understand? What woman would put up with this
He also recently texted me that I am crazy if I think I can come and go a year at a time and act as if nothing happened and I blame him for everything
What should I do?? Please help
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 4, 2016 at 3:25 pmDear Laport,
You can stop chasing him and stop running back to a cold marriage with someone who treats you so poorly. Two surgeries from breast cancer–neither of which he helps support you through–and you STILL go back? Why are you doing that to yourself? Get yourself emotionally and physically healthy and stronger and move on with your life. Until you realize and believe that you deserve to be treated well, you will forever be settling for people who don’t. Stop running back to him.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Laport says
August 4, 2016 at 8:03 pmThank you Lisa this is so true
I am trying to not let this get to me
He keeps telling me that I left him????
He has ALWAYS accused me of infidelity however this NEVER OCCURRED
I had become a fraction of myself just being around him
I ask myself why???? Every day
He is not the most attractive man and he really has issues however I stuck it out a lot!!!
I love his son yet this suddenly no discipline thing is ridiculous
I had annulment papers draw up and told him that I would come to where ever he is with a notary
First he states that he will sign then the next he is not available
This has actually been going on for months
I feel trapped
I actually had 7 surgeries and he never showed up however he won’t let go either
I just want to move on with my life
I see no light at the end of the tunnel
I do not understand why he is constantly blaming me???
I basically raised his son and all of my moral efforts and long speeches are thrown out the window
I feel he wants to keep his trophy wife however he hates me in some form??
Laport says
August 5, 2016 at 1:25 amTonight I received an email out of the blue saying “There is no fixing any of this I am totally done” “I can’t try this anymore”
I responded ” when did I ever ask you to take me back?”
I never asked him to take me back and had not emailed him in two days I wrote an emotional email on Monday however I did not ask for him to take me back? I also responded that we need to get these papers signed so that we can both be happy
I feel that he is “crazy making”
He had answered an email I wrote on Tuesday yes responds to an email from Monday today? And nowhere in the context did I beg him for a chance
This kind of behavior has been going on for ever. Years actually
He pulled the same verbiage first time I left for a year 3 weeks later I was back home
I just do not understand his thought process
I feel as if I have been living in the world according to Jerry
It is always a struggle
I am going to start counseling ASAP
this man is just crazy and my chances of him signing any papers are zero
Diana says
November 6, 2016 at 8:29 amPerhaps you need an attorney to advise you. Look at the book, WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft. I think that might help you.
Jeremy says
July 21, 2016 at 2:13 pmThis article really comes through with my current situation. Wife is no longer “In love with me” or “finds me unattractive” and is currently pursuing someone they recently kissed. Not sure the direction to head in currently but I know I may need to back off a little bit against pushing them to love me and want to be with me. I would really like her to stop talking with this individual (potential future affair if it goes further than a kiss) but she says that putting that type of control against her will only make her push away. Any ideas on what to do other than go out and improve myself? I have wrote down many of the areas I believe I have failed in as a spouse and could improve with little ease and also some couples books but nothing outside that… Thoughts?
Jeremy says
July 21, 2016 at 2:58 pmLittle extra, she says she has felt this way for many years that she may not be head over heels for me anymore but never acted on anything… So this isn’t a new feeling of lost love or for thinking about another person… any solutions here? I will never say I was perfect because I know I failed in many areas and can be much better but I am just in a lost state…. Thank you in advance!
Also been together 10 years and married 5…
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
July 31, 2016 at 10:19 amJeremy,
Work on all the complaints your wife had about you during the marriage and whenever you speak with her or see her, show up differently with your actions. She will have see that you have changed not just hear that you have. Be consistent with your kindness not sporatic. Regarding her dating, it is your decision about accepting that or not. You could say as long as she is dating others, you will assume the two of you are separated and you will not be pursing her. She however, will need to understand that she risks losing you if she waits too long to come home. Again, though that is your decision.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Barry says
July 17, 2016 at 10:37 pmMy wife left over a year ago. She said she was unhappy and had been for sometime. She agreed to go to counseling and we have been attending for over 10 months. My drinking was a large part of her unhappiness. I have substantially cut down my drinking 1-3 drinks per day and keep a daily talley and provide this list to both her and the therapist each appointment. I”ve been able to keep up with this for the last 8 months. She keeps saying that she just doesn’t have those feelings of love for me any longer. I still love her and do not want a divorce. I’m willing to do anything to get her back. She says that she is so hurt from over 25 years of hurtful things I’ve said from when I would be drunk. She admits it wasn’t more than a few times a year when I would get out of hand, but I did drink 6-8 drinks every night and most nights would just pass out on the couch. I don’t understand why she won’t give me another chance.
Ryan says
July 15, 2016 at 12:48 pmThis article is a great help! I didn’t know what to do in the separation. Should I be “checking in” or should I make zero contact. Now I will step away from the marriage for a while and see what happens. I will try to be strong and positive in future interactions. I feel so much better now that I have instructions on what to do! Thank you!
Kim says
July 18, 2016 at 6:08 amHow’s things going since you stepped back
Richard S. says
July 7, 2016 at 10:20 amHello my wife left me a few days ago and I am devastated. This was something I never expected. She text me that her daughter is moving out and she wants her independence and she is going to help her. Something was not right. All of her belongings were out of the house and so was my wife’s. With a little sleuthing they were on a flight to Toronto from my home town of Calgary. My step-daughter already had a one bedroom flat and possible employment. The fact that my wife took all of her belongings is a sign to me that she may never come back. I cannot contact her by Facetime because its blocked. She won’t answer my calls and she will only respond to text messages. When I confront her about her intentions, her responses were always weak. I want my wife back. So right now I am going to use a 48 – hour no – contact plan. I want to determine if I can get her back. I feel lost, betrayal, confused … it’s almost like a death in my family. How should I approach this?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
July 14, 2016 at 2:21 pmRichard,
I’m so sorry that your wife chose to leave you in such an unhealthy, hurtful way. I don’t know what was going on in the marriage, however unless you were physically abusive to her, the way she has chosen to leave is toxic. Your decision to pull back and not contact her right now is a good one. Give her space and yourself a few days to process what happened. You will not be able to fix this if you don’t know why she left. Do not chase her down or repeatedly text her. Give her some space and ask if she would be willing to tell you why she’s leaving you.
The first thing you need is some answers…
I’m sorry for your pain and how your wife has gone about doing this.
Get support for you while you gather the information you need.
Take Care-Lisa
Richard S. says
July 16, 2016 at 5:38 pmProbably the reason she left is that I am not that man she was once in love with. I do want her back in my life. She did call me a couple of times to see how I am doing and I have been researching how to get your wife back. Begging to her, pleading with her, ECT. doesn’t appear to work. It just gets her more annoyed. I am now employing the No Contact Rule for 30 days. I am on day 2. She has called me once so for.
Travis says
July 29, 2016 at 1:19 pmIt’s hard but has to be done I’m in the same boat and Im having a hard time with that. I don’t know how to fix this one
Dan says
July 22, 2016 at 4:59 pmHi Lisa , you seem very insightful so here goes ,,,my wife of 24 yrs recently had an affair a one time encounter with a colleague she didn’t sleep with him but came close before stopping. We had been going through a bumpy time in the last yr( boredom, lack of intimacy passion from her perspective) about a month ago the incident took place and within a few days of that happening started showing me a lot more affection and intimacy,things were definitely feeling better between us for the first time in a while.
Then I found out by coming across her texting history … I was able to read what happened between them and also that she seemed to be no longer interested as she was reconnecting with me and was not even responding to him in last cpl of weeks. I confronted her on this as soon as I read it, I had lots of feelings of betrayal disgust anger which I voiced and ultimately told her we were done. I was met with defensive behaviour but within hours of leaving she was apologizing proclaiming her love for me and obvious extreme sincere guilt. I love her deeply so I manned up and came home. Things have now been wonderful between us like when we first met but I dont know what to think and have doubts despite how wonderful things are now , I am a proud confident man but of course feel less confident in her .
Lydia says
July 6, 2016 at 12:11 amI’ve been married for over 13 years to a guy who is a bit of a jokster with his colleagues and neighbours and the people at our tennis club. He’s generally likeable and I admire his social skills.. Early in our marriage I found out he was fiscally irresponsible … and had passive/aggressive tendencies. He is not gambling, and not that he ever spends anything on me whatsoever – but he buys “toys” for himself or fritters his discretionary money away on I don’t know what … bike parts, god knows what. He is not saving any money. He is sneaky in a passive aggressive way about tasks he commits to do and then offers reasons why he didn’t. Or sneaks out to ride his bike when my back is turned – even if I had been expecting him to do something else (i.e. vacuum). His promises mean nothing. All this was bad enough, but then I found out he hasn’t paid taxes since 2005. I am furious as I have an even busier life than he does – a way more demanding job -but manage to keep it all together. —->I really feel like I’d like someone would look after ME for a change but I seem to be looking after this adult teenager. I used to really hound him on his inattention to life’s necessary details (i.e. tax, paying bills, mortgage, investing) but now I work with his accountant and look after his stuff just so it gets done. I tried leaving it for him — I even managed to extract promises where he would do things but he simply reneges … and makes lame excuses. After all these years I can’t get him to engage and I am – at 54 years old – thinking of seeing a lawyer to start a divorce. It makes me sad as I know its unlikely I’ll ever find a life partner cause I’m old. Tonight I hit him because he hid a letter from the government about his taxes from 3 months ago … something I had been waiting for to discuss with the accountant. Somehow he twisted this to not be his fault. I was so mad, I hit him. I am too old to feel my blood boil over like this – I can’t live like this. I fantasize about living on my own in an apartment downtown where my life will be easier. AND YET, I still seem to be able to recollect myself and go on as normal – albeit with less trust and less connection. I seem to be able to do this when I know its not normal – most people would move on. I took my rings off over a year ago, a symbolic separation. How do you view all this?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
July 14, 2016 at 2:30 pmLydia,
I would either get both of you to see someone who specializes with working with couples or get yourself into therapy to determine why you enable his behaviors. Ideally before divorcing, it’s best to see if couple’s work can help–if it doesn’t, you both learned new skills and you’re no worse off. What’s clear though, is you continuing to respond in the same way is not going to change anything. You have to change your responses and get clear about what you will and will not accept. And if you don’t want to accept something, then yelling about isn’t not accepting. You have to act upon your words (and NOT with violence)–with limits.
Right now I’m making up that your husband thinks you’re full of hot air and doesn’t take your upset seriously because you keep yelling but then stay. Life goes on as usual after the storm has settled and then he doesn’t have to worry. Stop making threats, screaming, yelling and hitting (certainly!) and instead step in with a grounded powerful strength and follow through with setting limits, getting into couples work or leaving. if he changes as a result, great. If he doesn’t, move on.
Take Care-Lisa
ladylove says
August 7, 2016 at 8:14 pmcodependent behavior, control through manipulation coercion and abuse. Fear of being alone.
May be best to separate. Sounds like you’re his mom not his wife.
Book called codependency no more might help you. By melody beattie. Good luck.
Nell says
July 1, 2016 at 2:47 amHi Lisa,
My husband and I were together 8.5 years and married 3.5years.
He asked me for a separation 3.5 months ago because he didn’t love me anymore, he said I was overweight and didn’t do anything. He wanted a fresh start. I didn’t see this coming.
I moved out of our home and into my mums. I begged and pleaded to begin with then read numerous articles and stopped when they said that pleading would worsen the situation. I did the 30 days “No Contact”, lost a lot of weight, went out more, went in holidays and made more friends, all to correct what was wrong with me in our marriage. I went to our house to pick up some belongings on the weekend when he wasn’t there and there was a woman’s toothbrush and belongings in my draws, he lied at first about it then admitted to seeing this woman for 1 month. We have gone to war over messages for 3 days, I begged and pleaded and he kept telling me he hadn’t changed his mind and still doesn’t love me.
He got with this woman after 2 months of us being separated after us being together over 8 years. The woman he is with tried to pursue him 2 years ago via messages which he said were harmless (because he is naive but put a stop to it anyway). This woman is attractive, sporty, has lots of friends, a nice family and studying education. I can’t compare with that.
I still love him and want him back.
What can I do from here to try and win him back? Do you think I have a chance still?
Thanks,
Nell
Dave says
June 30, 2016 at 5:25 pmMy wife and I have been together for 19 years and married for 17 and have a 13 year old son. She left a month ago and all she said was she needs space. She still will not talk to me or have any contact other then a phone call I made to her a week ago. I asked her to go to counseling with me after she has some time but will not say yes or no. During the whole conversation I was very calm and caring and told her to take all the time she needs. She however still talked to me in a very angry voice and kept trying to insult me or bring up issues that had nothing to do with what we were discussing. I have made all the changes she wanted but still it seems it is not enough. It will be our 18th anniversary next month july 25 and I am hoping she will at least talk to me by then. I wrote her a letter taking the blame for everything and how sorry I was that I caused her so much pain. I told her I understand her being angry with me as I deserve it but wish that we could at least talk at this point. I also said I wasn’t asking her to move back home and could stay where she was as long as she needs but again we need to start talking and helping each other heal and get through this. I said I wouldn’t contact her anymore and will wait for her to make contact but to please think about making our anniversary our first point of contact so that we could have 2 anniversaies every year, the original one and then the new one which was the start of our new lives together and so starting next year it would be our 19th anniversary and our one year anniversay of our new lives. Of course she still has not called or texted or contacted me in any way. This has been so painful because she is my life. She also took my son who is also angry and won’t talk to me either. It is just so hard sitting in limbo everyday not knowing what is going to happen. She hasn’t said she’s leaving me but she hasn’t said she’s not, she hasn’t said anything. I just can’t understand her anger level still being that bad a month later having barely any contact with me and not seeing each other for that month. In our 19 years together we have never been apart longer then 2 days at time. It gets harder and harder to get through each day and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this month not even knowing if she’ll even speak to me on our special day. I could feel less afraid and hurt and would be able to get my focus back if she would just talk to me even if it was just once or twice a week.
Jake says
June 30, 2016 at 11:25 amHi Lisa,
A couple weeks ago I noticed my wife was acting strangle and distance. This went on for about 3 weeks until we finally talked about it she said she didn’t love me anymore but wanted to stay for our kids and our new baby on the way. The next day I tried to act like I wasn’t affected like nothing had happened until my daughter was playing on my wife’s phone and I found out she had been messaging another man. Then for the next 1 days it seemed like nothing but fights and anxiety attacks (which I’ve never had until now)
When we finally did calm down enough for us to talk she stated she would stay about 10 months for the baby’s sake and if nothing changed she would leave then and if something did change in her we would play it by ear. I’ve come to the realization that I have failed her and have set forth a plan to work on myself. Better health, finishing projects, having fun again. My touch no matter how small seems to bother her currently yet I just want to feel her so badly. When is the right time for me to start working on us?
Kim says
June 30, 2016 at 8:28 amHi Lisa,
My husband and I are separated and doing individual counseling. I’ve done a lot of growing though I don’t think he sees that. I miss him terribly and know that we have a long road ahead once and if he agrees to marriage counseling.
I’ve been pretty good about giving space and we don’t argue as much as we used to.
My question is this… While giving space, what are the rules of saying “I miss you” and “I love you”?
I find myself wanting to text him a simple, message. I don’t expect a response but I want him to know that I really do miss him and love him. The separation after all was my choice. Being separated has given me the time I needed to reflect and learn which I’m completely grateful for but now I’m left with a husband who just doesn’t know what he wants right now. Its all so confusing and I would give anything to fix it all.
Paul says
June 29, 2016 at 12:19 pmHi Lisa,
My wife left me with my 2 young boys for another men who she met online playing games. The sad thing was it was only 3 days talking with this guy over the phone until she chose to stop loving me and that she wanted out of the marriage. And after 10 years of being married my wife traveled over 3,000 sum miles to meet this guy. It’s been 8 months since she left and to be honest with you I don’t want to give up on my marriage for the sake of my vows to God and my boys. Everything inside of me wants to leave her and move on but I can’t. I’m in the dark and have no clue what to do any advise will be appreciated. By the way we are still legally married. Thank you!
Andrew says
June 29, 2016 at 10:56 amMe and my wife have been together for ten years, married for five. (Started dating when I was 15, and her 13) Things have been stressed due to infidelity before the marriage from both of us, and infidelity during it. Once from me, four times from her. She left for Basic Training October 7th, and a month ago told me she wanted a divorce after not being home for ten months, and has since started a relationship with someone she met while in AIT. We have two children together, and I have been home alone with them for those ten months. I keep hoping she’s just confused because of this “New love” and because she hasn’t been home in so long and the stress of the distance and time difference caused arguing a lot. I was critical of a lot of things, and not as understanding about some things as I should have been, but I do want to save this marriage. I keep getting a wall of “I don’t see this ever working” and the “I just don’t love you anymore”. I’m trying to stay calm (I fail sometimes) and trying to be more listening and understanding (She says she still wants to be friends, and we talk every night), but I’m struggling to keep going by myself, but I’ve been reading articles like this to try and keep my resolve strong. Thanks for the great article! Trying to stay positive!
Matthew says
June 28, 2016 at 12:12 pmHello, my name is Matt and I’ve been struggling for years of losing my wife. We’ve been together 8 yrs married almost 7 and I have been insecure since basically day 1. Now she’s gone away for a weekend trip to NYC where she is meeting up with a male friend of ours who she admittedly has a crush on. She promised the kids she would call but never did. I’m terrible at both patience and leaving her alone. She wants a divorce but I talked her into a separation which she only agreed upon for financial reasons. But how can I save this if she’s been hurt by being smothered for the past 6-8 yrs.
Key says
June 26, 2016 at 7:00 pmHello,
Me and my husband have been married for two years he had a baby that I had no idea about before we got married but we were together when this happened. I am angry about it and we haven’t been able to make things right. He says he tries but I don’t feel he does. We always fight and he never understands or even starts any conversation about how we can fix things. I want to move out and start a life on my own. I gave it a couple months until I will to see if he will change. What can I do to get him to change… I think I tried all I can.
Billie says
June 26, 2016 at 6:31 pmRecently my wife of a year (together for 2) told me she wanted out. Said she loves me but isn’t in love with me. Of course when she told me I did the whole irrational reaction and then calmed down and took a couple of days didn’t really speak unless had to. We do have a child to communicate for. What makes this process so hard is we live at my grandmother’s together save money and she hates it here, so do I. So after the couple days went by I of course did the talking to her friends and begged them to help me cause they were our friends. Today I learned they are not and they told her that I was talking to them. She is so mad she doesn’t even want to look at me. I love her so much and want to fix this. Save my marriage, she says she doesn’t. Says she can’t love me the way I deserve. And now she just is so mad at me for talking to her friends. How do I win her back. I know nothing is impossible to be fixed. Please help!
Jon says
June 26, 2016 at 2:40 pmHi ya Lisa I left my wife 3 months ago cause she was abusing me fiscally. We have two kids (boy 5 and girl 1) and have been together for 6 years and married 2years. After about one week of being apart I wanted to try and sort things out with her but she didn’t want to. She said I’ve made my bed now lie in it, so I left it at that and haven’t said any more to her. She’s telling people that I mentally abuses her. I have my kids every Friday night take them back on Saturday. We are starting to talk nice to each other but only about the kids and we are planning my son’s party. The thing is deep down I’m really struggling. I really do love her so much and miss her so much I really want to try to save our marriage. She never texts me saying she’s sorry for what she had done or anything like that. Do you think I should message her and ask her if there any chance of saving our marriage?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
July 1, 2016 at 9:27 amDear Jon,
Yes, if you want to get back with your wife I would call her and ask her if she is willing to give the marriage a chance again. Apologize for the behaviors you did and commit to changing them. Even if she says no, at least you let her know what you want. Also, every time you see her or speak to her–show up differently. Be kinder, gentler and a good listener. Ask her why she says you mentally abused her and let her know that you don’t want to ever do that again…and then don’t do it again.
Good Luck!
Lisa
Jason says
June 26, 2016 at 9:09 amHi, I’ve never really done this so it is totally new to me.
I love my wife of 4 years and we have been together 10. We are like best friends and have always been comfortable in our own company. When we are together we can talk about all sorts but for some reason we are terrible when we are apart. Neither of us like talking on the phone etc. The problem is several fold. We have been trying for a family for 3 years and have had several mis-carriages, the last of which really destroyed her, and it did me but I had to stay strong for her. Sex has become very stressful and whilst we have an amazing sex life which I wouldn’t change, and I try to please her before myself as I care how she is feeling, but this has been lost as it has just been a baby making process. The second issue is due to bad decisions in the past I am paying off a huge amount of debt, bigger than the average mortgage, so I work hard to try and clear that. My job at present means I am away 3 nights a week, and travel which in itself is exhausting. When I have got home as much as I love her to bits I now realise I haven’t paid her enough attention and I have got my priorities wrong, but it was not because I didn’t care, it is just I have been exhausted from sorting these financial issues out. Ironically (touch wood) they should be over in less than 3 months, and I wont have to work unless I want to and we will be financially in a very wealthy position as all my income becomes our own. The last 6 weeks though we decided to go to the doctors for fertility treatment as she is older than me. This seems to have been the turning point. Since then she has had letters about it but not told me about them and has actually been going out with work colleagues til 3-4 in the morning. I am glad for the first time she has new friends but she doesn’t message to tell me she’s going to be late or is safe and I end up getting worried, then angry with it. She told me the other night that she feels we have lost our spark but she loves me and doesn’t want a divorce when I mentioned it. She just wants some space. I have moved out for the last 2 weeks and she said during this time we should try and talk more. It is killing me as I want to give her space but my mind is thinking all sorts. From the point I am analysing everything. she now only puts one x on a text message rather than 2 etc etc. I don’t want to ring her as I am trying to give her space (although I cant work out how space will solve things if me not being around was part of the problem), I am in hotels and distraught, I have no one to talk to as I don’t want friends and family knowing as I don’t want it to be awkward if we can make it through this. I am trying to be positive and the 2 times we have talked on the phones its been difficult as she is very closed, I try and ask open questions and focus on her day (not approaching the subject of us) but just trying to talk to her and show im interested in her. I get very little back. She buries her head in matters and is drinking with her work friends, where I am sat alone feeling awful, all I want to do is go home. I am trying not to be jealous, or angry but its hard and I just want to get a small indication what I am doing is right and its not a lost cause. We exchange 5 or so texts a day but all I want to do is for her to ask me to come home. I am struggling as I cant afford to stay away at present so when my work is not paying I am sleeping in depressing B&B’s and even my car to save money. Obviously I don’t want her to know that but I feel so alone here. Am I just chasing a lost cause or do you think she has shown any signs that I have missed that she does want to try.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
July 1, 2016 at 9:29 amJason,
I’m so sorry to hear your story, I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you. My suggestion is that you ask your wife to get into couples work so you both can work through and talk through the issues. I would also have an honest conversation about money and the inability to stay in a hotel for an undetermined amount of time. I understand her wanting space, however how she is going about it is irresponsible. It does not sound like her friends are helpful in this at all. Going out drinking until 3am is selfish and harmful to marriages. It’s important that you have your back in this and also respectfully and calmly stand up for yourself. It sounds like without professional help things might get worse not better. If you don’t want to get help I think it will be a difficult road back given what your wife is doing and who she is hanging out with. I would try to have your wife miss you. Tell her you need a little space too because the way this is going doesn’t feel good for you. Don’t answer her texts so quickly. Pull back on contacting her so many times during the day. See if she is willing to go out to lunch once a week. And in the mean time–you have to really take care of you. What your wife is doing really isn’t respectful of you or your feelings–you deserve to at least have that conversation with her (respectfully and calmly).
Don’t be so focused on trying to win her back that you ignore how you’re being treated.
In the mean time–talk to your friends and get support. You can choose just one if you don’t want too many to know, however you could use the support of a good friend or close family member.
Hang in there!
Lisa
mikkey says
June 24, 2016 at 10:24 pmLisa I feel I’m in a bind. I have been separated from my wife for the past 3 months or so and
Years of mental abuse as she calls it during our 11 years together caused me to lash out several times during our marriage. I have made her feel completely isolated during our marriage to the point where she has already gotten into a new relationship. I have briefly become physical in the past but during our separation I have made complete changes but she says nothing has changed with me. I have made all the wrong moves when it comes to trying to fix things with us: letters instead of talking, talking to the wrong people instead of her; begging pleading and basically smothering her since she took off her ring. And to top it all off, she’s leaving with our 3 kids in September to move to another city. I don’t know what to do. She says it’s been over for a long time and she says we are never getting back together. I feel I’ve lost her for good. Is it truly over for us? Do I have any chance of fixing things even after a new relationship on her part? I’m not in a relationship, I just want her back. What should I do? She says she never felt like I was there for her during our relationship so she stopped trying. That and the fact she blames herself for a miscarriage that nearly killed her and I was no where around yet I blame myself for it. She claims she can be happy with this new guy like she never could with me. Should I just accept it and move on? Or keep fighting for her? All my efforts have not worked yet and I just don’t wanna lose her.
Terry says
June 21, 2016 at 12:37 pmHi Lisa
Been split 1 week with my wife. We’ve been together 18 years married 12. I came home and she told me she did not love me any more. We had a big shouting match. We did meet at a young age–she was 16 my self 21 next year am 40 we having been trying for a baby and did not happen for a few different reasons. We got checked medically and all was ok.The last 9 months we became very distant. Do we live together which we’re finding is hard but no money or does she move out? We have said that we will sell the house to pay the loans we have and mortgage. We have to wait because houses don’t sell straight away and will take 3 weeks a to get ready.
My wife lost loads of weight over last years and done well. She looks good. She warned me to join but I never did. Now I am changing that and going to the gym swimming, meeting new people– a little to late I know. This has been the hardest time of my life and I feel for everyone on this blog. Family and friends are all shocked. We said that we will not have partners but to be fare its last thing on my mind. I am sure shes not met some one else just no idea what to do love her loads.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 22, 2016 at 10:47 amDear Terry,
It sounds like you’ve recently started to turn things around via going to the gym and meeting new people. Keep this up! The more you take care of yourself, the better chance you have of getting reunited with your wife. Sometimes when one partner makes a lot of changes, if the other partner doesn’t start to change with them, they will out grow them. Keep changing on your end. Ask your wife if she would like to go swimming with you one day–just for fun–no pressure. Give her the opportunity to see you be different. When you’re with her, don’t talk about how sad you or or how much you want her back. Show her your bettering yourself–that will be way more enticing than pleading with her or pressuring her to come back.
Good luck and keep up the good work!
Lisa
Jennifer Anderson says
June 27, 2016 at 4:03 pmI have recently asked for space from my husband and we have been separated. He continued to text and tried to get me to do things with him. He didn’t allow me any space that I needed. After a month of trying I got aggravated and told him I can’t be with you right now. So he started seeing someone who he had an emotional affair with earlier in our marriage. Now I am having all the pain come back from what I went to counseling to deal with in the first place. They posted pictures together on Facebook and it hurt. I’m so confused. Does the hurt mean I am not over him or is it just hurt resurfaced? Together things are toxic due to past issues. He never allowed me the space I needed. I know taking him back would not be fair to either of us because there is a lot of hurt. We have been to counseling for years and attended church for years.
Jay says
June 17, 2016 at 8:45 amI am currently separated from my wife, it has been about two weeks since she has moved out of the house into her own place. About a year ago she approached me and said she was not happy and she needed her space. We got married when we were young, I was 21 and she was 20, and we dated for four years before that and both of us had never really dated before. We have three children together and she has been a stay at home mom for the last 14 years. Last December she got a part time job and that is going well. She told me last night that for the first time in her life she feels like an adult living on her own and having to take care of everything on her own. I am ok with the separation and her gaining her independence in life. The part that really bothers me is she is ready to date other men and says it is exciting when she thinks about it. When I ask her why she tells me it is not my business and the more I ask and push the more she wants to do it. We have a loose separation agreement and she has her apartment rented until November. She also tells me she does not want to be married but she does not want to get a divorce. At times I feel there is a chance we will get back together and other times I feel we are going to get divorced. We get along very well and go out and do stuff but she looks at us as friends. At times I feel like she wants to see if there is anyone better out there and if not she will settle for me. I am struggling because I love her with all my heart and care about her some much and that is why I agreed to the separation and giving her space. But when I hear that the thought of dating is exciting to her it crushes me. What do I do? Continue to ride it out and see what happens? I think it would crush me if I found out she was dating. I wish she would give our relationship a second chance and the separation time to make sure she really knows what she wants in life.
John R says
June 16, 2016 at 4:49 pmI have been married for 20 years with two children. One day my wife said she wants to leave the marriage. First she said she wanted 1 years separation , which I did not take easily. I was devastated. After a few days she said 3 months separation. We started sleeping in different rooms and used to talk everyday. Before we go to bed I would ask her for hugs. But every time we talked it was mostly like how to separate, how we are going to live alone etc. which was bothering me in the back of my mind. I asked if I can go out for few weeks she said no, but in the back she complained to her parents that I am not giving her space. (Believe me, my in-laws are involved in our breakup). So things got to be ugly. Whatever I did to fix the marriage turned out be bad! Everything she saw in a magnifying glass and it looked very bad. I was emotionally drained! In 3 months we were supposed to get back. We had our first meeting with a mediator. She emotionally checked out of this marriage! I want to fix this marriage very badly, but she does not understand my love her! What can I do here ?
We had only one session joint counselling, which did not go well. Now I found a good Dr. who can help me, asking her to try him once, she is refusing and says can’t trust me anymore. There is no affairs in our life , over three year period I use to get angry on silly things and shouted in anger. Which broke her emotionally and self-esteem affected.
Is there anything I can do salvage the marriage?
Glenn says
June 12, 2016 at 2:44 amHi there Lisa
I have what I think is a very unique situation. I have been married almost 2 years. We tried for a baby but sadly my wife had a miscarriage ( 7 weeks) but enough to destroy her. She had been married before she met me but the ex husband cheated on her. She felt I was not there enough for emotional support and that I could not respect her boundaries and her wishes when she asked for a 2 month separation. I reached out to her mother which I know was a bad idea but I had to reach out to someone that really knew my wife. She did strictly ask me not to talk to her because she didn’t want her to worry or get upset. I didn’t know what else to do because I was so confused about what was going on and why. Now she wants to get divorced from me. I threatened suicide to her and then the police got involved and the situation got worse. I know it was wrong and created more pain but it was not intentional at all it was honestly a cry out for help but I went the wrong way about it which I can’t be sorry enough for. I can only imagine how she must be feeling going through the miscarriage and then to hear her own husband say he is going to kill himself unless he gets answers. I’m left in the dark of the not knowing. I love my wife more than anything in this entire world and all I have ever wanted for me and for her is to have a family. The separation started from 9th feb 2016 can you please help me Lisa with some guidance?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 21, 2016 at 11:51 amDear Glenn,
I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage and your separation from your wife. Because these are two serious losses, my best advice is to ask your wife to go with you to couples therapy for at least a few sessions to discuss your marriage. Ask her if she would be willing to meet with someone as a couple to talk through her decision to separate and possible divorce. I would also ask if she would be willing to continue with the separation however hold off on going through with the divorce so quick. If she refuses I recommend you get into individual treatment to help you through this and to discuss options about how to proceed.
In the mean time, I would call your wife once a weekly to check in and see how she’s doing–with no pressure at all to get back together–simply tell her you were thinking about her and wanted to see how she’s doing.
Hang in there!
Warm Regards,
Lisa
tanya says
June 7, 2016 at 10:48 pmHi. I’m currently separated with my husband and living with our 3 children while he’s living on his own. A year ago I found out he had several affairs that were not emotionally just physical. I had found out the same day we had also found out we were expecting our 3rd child. I ended up getting depression and he told me 3 months ago he can’t give me anything. In the time during our separation he has said he can’t forgive himself for what he’s done. It’s now been a month since he spoke about not forgiving himself and now wants time to heal wounds and hopefully we will be OK. I’m confused and starting to feel like maybe now I don’t want to try and fix our marriage. He’s pushed me away in the time of our separation and said very awful things in anger. I don’t know if he will ever change and be faithful..help
Carl says
June 15, 2016 at 5:55 pmHi. I’ve been married 2 years after a 10 year relationship. 2 weeks ago my wife told me she can’t picture having kids with me, which I want. She is fed up with how I never took care of her and doesn’t want to try to fix things. We had our problems in the past but recently had our best year together. Seems like the problems from the past are too much to over come for her. She told me she wanted to do counciling, either with or without me. I agreed. 2 days later she said she changed her mind and moved out. She also is in the process of buying a condo. I don’t know what to do, I called begged pleaded. I love her so much and can’t picture my life without her. I started going to a marriage councilor by my self. I asked her, she said no, she’s done trying. Is there any hope?
Douglas says
May 29, 2016 at 3:57 pmHello Lisa, I am a 44 year old male married for almost 2 years (anniversary in July ). This is my first marriage and I’m struggling miserably inside. My wife and I have known each other for over five years now, and built a pretty amazing life together – career – bought a house etc. now I am in a position to save my marriage alone, whereas I have failed to communicate to my wife and lost the emotional connection with her. Today is exactly 2 weeks when she told me that she wanted to set boundaries and she’s struggling to find the emotional connection that we once had. She won’t respond to me anymore. I totally love her. She just says she still cares deeply about me. It’s devastating to hear this from her. I haven’t been the best husband, I don’t communicate very well, I put things off and push off conversations. I’ve said things to her that I don’t mean and it’s the words that have settled with her. She honestly thought I was on the same page however I’m not. We literally flipped 180 in the past 2 weeks – where I’m trying to communicate with her and she’s on complete lockdown. I’ve also found something else out, she has connected with another male at work and spends a lot of time texting him trying to hide it but I found it. I stop digging for it– its tearing me up. We have sought counseling, and also our pastor. I’ve always been A man of faith however turned my back and desired other things such as my career. I am now living every day with a broken heart shattered soul and a lot of pain. I sit here on memorial day weekend alone as she is away doing I don’t know what. I have read several books by Gary D Chapman, your blog and online videos on how to save your marriage alone. I’ve struggled this weekend for the past five years we spent most of it with friends celebrating memorial day. Now I’m spending it alone in pain wondering where she is and what she’s doing. I have smothered her and texted her on occasions. I’m trying to give her as much space as possible but it’s very hard. I never thought in 1 million years I would be where I’m at today with my best friend and my wife who I love unconditionally. I’m literally doing everything in my power to keep strength and pray that we can amend our marriage. I am lost and continuously searching for hope. Today I just decided to reach out to somebody on the Internet randomly I have no idea what I’m doing right now. Please help.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 2, 2016 at 11:36 amDear Douglas,
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage and your pain. The tricky piece in your situation is the man your wife is texting. It sounds like she is minimally having an emotional affair which makes the marriage piece more difficult to reconcile as long as someone else is in the picture. My suggestion for you is to work on you during this separation. Get into therapy and figure out why you struggle to communicate and be connected. Focus on your inner work and your pain right now. If your wife does try to call or get back with you, set a clear boundary with her regarding this other man and state that you would love to work the marriage if she ends that relationship 100%. In the mean time, continue to show up differently with your children and your wife and work on you.
Hang in there!
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Cass says
May 28, 2016 at 11:22 pmThis June will be 16 years of marriage… 3 teenagers, 4 years of dating and 20 years total with exception of our kids was wasted I feel. I’ve decided to leave my husband for the last time. Three years ago he had a year long affair and when I found out everyone knew but me, I was devastated. I moved out immediately with our children. For almost a year I tried to move on, I even started a new relationship. He came back asking for us to work things out, because I did everything in this article…and just like that we worked on our marriage. He changed, and eventually moved in with me. I was still paranoid and trying to trust him. Everyday got easier, unless something triggered and I was overtaken by the effects of the affair. Then once I started to feel happy again and trust was building he began to act strange like before. Deleting texts, texting or calling me less and always working. I got so paranoid we began fighting, not to mention he has a drinking problem. He drinks so much he don’t remember the next day what he says or does. So our last night together (2 weeks ago) he was so drunk I charged his phone and turned it on and he had been sexting a co-worker. The things I read were so wrong. I felt like I was being stabbed to death. I woke him up immediately and threw him out. I’m trying to keep busy and learn to love my self and improve my flaws, I’m trying not to blame myself. I’m always wondering why if I only had been a better wife. I know I am .. there’s nothing wrong with me. He told me he doesn’t even remember sexting her and that was the only time. But he stopped halfway thru and de texted me he loves me and then continued sexting her. I don’t know what to believe. If I ignore him and keep busy, I block him out so much I’m happy. But the moment I let him in or around me I’m so angry and scared and in pain. I love him but I feel he has destroyed me. He keeps saying he’s sorry and misses me, I usually ignore him, but what if he is.. what if he has changed. I don’t want this pain anymore. I just don’t know what else to do.
Jose says
May 26, 2016 at 1:18 pmMe and my wife have been separated for a month now. And I’m heart broken so bad I regret not changing for her before when I should of listened to her, I would always play video games and wouldn’t pay attention to her nor my twins…..I was just on that game…and this is the 2nd time it’s happened like this but this time I feel like I’m really committed to change. I’ve sold my games and consoles already..and I’ve been writing her cute notes and letters and from time to time I give her flowers..but she hasn’t responded to any of it yet.. She hasn’t told me to stop sending her stuff like that either..one time I hanged up in our bedroom ceiling 101 hearts and every heart said how much I loved about her.. She really liked that one..but so far as the cute notes and letters nothing yet…I hear that she gets angry when I do that but then gets happy…so it’s a month so far…and I feel like I need to talk to her..that’s what everyone tells me that I should just talk to her…but how..? If I talk to her I feel like I’m annoying her or bugging her..but I do want to and say ” hey lets go for a walk ” and maybe she’ll comply instead of me asking her. I feel like doing spontaneous activities with her..that’s another thing I never wanted to go out with her nor with my kids..she would have to beg me just to go out for a walk or to the store just to be out of the house and I wouldn’t..and now that I’m on the edge of losing everything I want to change..why is it that I’m doing all these changes when it could be too late…? I remember one day I asked my wife ” hey when our kids come back from your parents house I want to take you guys out to a park ” and she replied ” oh now you want to take us out, u see that gets me mad but then makes me happy that you want to do that but I have to get over it ” right there I was going to tell her ” better late then never ” but I didn’t because I didn’t want to argue….how I feel is that if she gives me another chance..she thinks I might throw it away like all the other times she has given me..but this time why am I so committed…I hate myself I really do..I just want my family back I want my kids and wife back…to be happy with the new me…this past month I really feel like I changed..but idk…thanks for listening to me…
sean says
May 11, 2016 at 4:10 pmThis is good advice even for a man as well. I have a unusual situation and I’m really not sure what’s going on. My wife told me weeks ago that she wants to separate and move on in her life. At first I was begging her to stay, promising I would change and so forth. It has been a month now and the things I was doing wrong have been changed. And I will continue to change for me. If she ends up staying with me that would be a bonus. She has even said there is no going back to the way we were. Here’s the funny part. We still live together for the moment and actually sleep in the same bed. An outsider would have no idea we are separated. We are seeing a marriage counselor as well.. We are working on communication as well… I still continue to support here emotionally, listen to her needs and not act like a spoiled kid who lost his best toy. I am really working on being the husband that she disserves. Although there has not been any major changes as far as her not wanting to leave I have noticed a little change in her. Just this morning when I left for work I gave her a kiss on the neck and this really excited her. And this is not the first time this has happened… She stated one time that sex between us will never happen again. We almost had sex one day but I stopped because I didn’t want to make things worse. What does this mean ?? But since I have been working on me and not bugging her to stay or talk about the relationship I’m wondering what she is feeling now. I don’t know I’m so confused and don’t know what to do…
Thanks for listening
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 12, 2016 at 5:59 pmSean,
That’s awesome! Regarding what to do next–keep doing what you’re doing–IT”S WORKING! Don’t move things too fast, continue to work on you and keep showing up in this new way. It sounds like your wife is appreciating the changes. Have patience and allow this to unfold naturally.
Well done!
Lisa
Josh says
May 17, 2016 at 5:25 pmMe and my wife split for about 3 weeks. The same night we split she started talking to another man and eventually realized she wanted me. She said she ended things with him but keeps adding him and deleting him from Facebook. He keeps blocking her and unblocking her but says she has no connections with him nor wants him. She says that she wants me.
Gary says
May 19, 2016 at 3:19 amThanks for this reply to a fantastic article. I have just in the last month had mywife tell me she is leaving me (been together 11 years and only married 24th May 2015). My world feels like it has fallen in around me. All the issues we have discussed are in my eyes silly fixable issues. She started a new high pressure, long hours job after the wedding and it hasn’t left much time for us. I put my free time on hold to make sure I was always home when she arrived and so we could spend some time together. I didn’t push for sex or nights out or anything as I wanted to make sure she was well rested before starting each new day. This backfired on me in a huge way as it was the total opposite that she wanted and I missed the signals. I hate myself for it and have been struggling ever since. It is nice to read about others in the same situation and know I’m not alone in making these mistakes and feeling the way I do. We too shared the same bed up until 2 weeks ago when she felt she needed space and moved to her parents house. It’s been soul destroying ever since living on our home alone…….I even sleep on the sofa still because the bed is to big and lonely.
Frank Portillo says
May 29, 2016 at 7:02 pmHow has that gone for you Gary with her moving to her moms?
Tara says
May 25, 2016 at 2:12 pmMy husband and I are going through the same thing. He broke up with me last year. Talked to someone else we got back together and then he left for 5 months. He then came back and things were great and now we are back to he doesn’t love me he doesn’t want sex its all gone. But one day he will say I miss you bad etc. We have two kids that never knew anything. We said he was working. He says he’s miserable because of me. He smokes pot all day. I have a therapist and so does he. He has depression in the family. He thought he was bipolar but now just feels its me that makes him unhappy. We don’t fight and we have the same views raising the kids etc. He just says he’s not in love with me. I am trying to give space. That was one mistake we lost ourselves in the relationship. I am trying to make me stronger and do for me, but I hate because I feel he wants me not to be there. Its very confusing and he won’t go to therapy. This was him last year. We still sleep in the same bed. He doesn’t want sex and when he does he just does for me so that I’m loved and not neglected. Makes no sense to me. He doesn’t want to let us go. I am sure his guilt and every other failure in his life makes him blame me and not love. But I need to make me strong and work on me. It is hard….any advice is great!
steve says
May 31, 2016 at 10:39 amI feel like I am in the exact same situation. My wife and I have been together for 11 years next week. She says “I deserve better than her”. She had a bad past and I believe that she blames that on me. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. So hard to hear. Now we sleep in separate beds, I am in our bed and she sleeps in our basement. We have three kids, two of which are kind of young to realize what is going on. Its so confusing, I don’t know what she is thinking, I am not pushy and have been focusing on me, the best thing I ever did. I hope that maybe she can see that I am happy with myself (but not happy with the situation). She wants to get her own apartment, I feel that is a bit extreme because we both can’t afford to live on our own. Our house will have to be sold, what happens if we get back together, we then have no home and two separate apartments with signed leases. Very confusing and emotional times it has been for the past 2 months, I feel depression is a part of what is affecting her or a midlife crisis, she is only 33, can that happen. Keep doing what you are doing working on yourself, so much good comes of it and hopefully your husband will see it. Good luck
stef says
May 26, 2016 at 8:30 amHi there, it sounds so familiar, I’m in the exact same situation with my wife forced to stay with me because apparently she has no other place to go to – she could go to her dad’s but he’s got depression. In a nutshell we had a nasty row 3 weeks ago and it looked like the final straw, since then she first went to a neighbor’s then moved back – because she was forced to. She still wants to move out and said she needed some thinking time – she said it again yesterday, yet she still wants to play music with me and talks to me. We actually speak more than we’ve ever done, last week she even kissed me and held my hand but since she hasn’t shown any affection at all. It’s weird as we’re still living together but she often goes out alone and sometimes with me – something we never did before. I’d become a bit of a potato couch. Now we actually go out much more than ever yet she says she isn’t willing to commit for the time being. We’ve been together for 10 years and I made lots of mistakes such as forcing her to marry me and move out from a place she loved. Now I’m groveling a lot cooking for her, cleaning the house and stuff. She says she’s pretty surprised and sometimes even asks me what I’m going to cook. IMHO I reckon she is going to move out and probably do a bit of thinking there but it’s a pretty awkward situation isn’t it?
Darlene says
May 27, 2016 at 10:56 amI have been married for 7 years. My husband had an affair several years ago but we got past it. Things were good for several more years until I started noticing some of his Facebook comments seemed to be about me—and not in a good way. Several weeks ago he told me he wanted a divorce.We talked again, and we decided to go at it again. I thought things were fine, but I kept noticing one girl in particular that he works with getting some special attention on Facebook. He says there is nothing going on, and she is young enough to be his daughter. She also blocked me from seeing any of her posts. I saw one message that asked if we were fighting again. This upset me as he has no business talking to this girl about us. I asked to see his messages to her. He said no. Sadly, I made a different Facebook profile so I could see her posts. She was at the beach and had a picture of a fruity drink—to which my husband commented, “Yummy, baby”. She later says, “it was good, baby”. After seeing that I private messaged her and flat out asked her if she was having an affair with my husband. She never replied. Then, immediately after this, I get a text from my husband saying we need to talk. He had sent me a long text message that I didn’t receive until later. I called him, and he told me he couldn’t stay anymore. He loved me but wasn’t in love with me. He is constantly angry with me for no reason. I get on his nerves so badly that he is afraid he is going to physically hurt me. The day before were fine. I think my message had something to do with it. When I came home from work, he had already taken all of his clothes and everything out of his drawers. He came back to talk as we just bought a house 10 months ago and would need to talk about bills. He then said he needed time. He says he feels numb all the time, and then he gets angry. He only feels this way about me. I have suggested counseling and maybe drug therapy for him. He says no. I am very upset as now we have a dream house and no one in it. I am going to try not to text him or call him. I am going to give him the space he needs—even if it is killing me inside.
Laurie says
April 21, 2016 at 2:46 amI’m so happy I read this! I’m now trying to make him miss me and he’s contacting me more often. He cheated on me and that was very unlike him, but he’s drinking a lot. That’s no excuse, but I mentioned it, because alcohol destroys lives. To see a counselor (which he doesn’t want too) would cause him to have to give up alcohol! The alcohol has to go first! My heart has been broken, but I’m doing my best to not show it now. I really appreciate you showing me how I was reacting in a bad way for myself! No more! 🙂
Angelina says
April 24, 2016 at 10:34 amHow long have you been separated for? Cause I am going through a separation with my husband and I want nothing more than for it to work out. I am so hurt….we have been separated for 4 months. I just want to know if there is still hope. Thank you
Aaron says
April 18, 2016 at 3:57 pmHi Lisa. I have been in a relationship for ten years. When we met my partner had living with her parents for some years with her two boys from her first marriage – full time and 3rd son from a later relationship – part time. We clicked and took a good year to even sleep together . We both had suffered bad past relationships . I also lost my dad just before we met and had a bad break up. She was very low in self confidence and worth, I had turned to stone and unemotional. She moved in with me after a couple of years. She was very protective of her kids and I was very accustom to removing myself to become silent . She worked through all her issues while I stood by her side. There were many arguments yet the love for each other was still there. I finally started going to professional counselling diagnosed with mild anxiety and depression. After almost six months of this I became a better person. She recognised this yet due to pressures of kids, work etc I pulled my wall down and she put one up – so not to get ” hurt” again. This recently caused her , after ten years, to decide to move out . She wants space as living together as we were was only hurting us more. I have asked if its “space” or the “end” of our relationship and her response has always been space to maybe save our relationship. We are both hurting and I have told her this decision was very brave and I understand. Now I’m more emotionally open it hurts like hell. What should I do ?
Liz says
April 16, 2016 at 2:32 pmHello ,
Me and my husband have Been together for over 8 years, married for few weeks under a year.
We love each other so much. Along the way we stopped communicating, and the past year and half we had issues, such as not having as much sex and just picking on each other for small things and make them into bigger things, wedding debts and mortgage on a new place that we bought and just worrying about him getting laid off from his work.
His mom came over about two months ago and talked to us and we were getting so much better and we were starting to focus on ourselves individually and we were becoming so much closer and happier.
Last sat I went on a girls trip and and I got drunk and I had a ONS that lasted for such a short period of time. I felt nothing, the moment it happened I already knew I messed up and the guilt started to eat me alive. I have no contact with the guy or have no feelings for him at all. That made me even realize how ungrateful I was and I would never ever do such a thing.
I came back from the trip and I told him about it the next day, about 3 days ago.
It has been so bad ever since. He is not willing to be with me again, he says he has forgive me but he just can’t ever look at me the same. He is still in the house but claims he has nowhere to go and he hates being at home.
He is already talking about selling our house and moving on.
I apologized to him sincerely many times. I said no one knew about the incident and I knew I messed up and I told him cuz I wanted to be honest with him. He says it’s fine, and I understand what has happened but I just can’t be with you. He is so hurt. He cried yesterday and said how could you do this to us and to me… I never thought in a million years you would do that to me.
I’m so heart broken, feeling disgusted with myself. That was truly not me and I really need a chance. I’m changing to be a better person.
I need your help. I want to save my marriage and be happy again and I want to take all the pain away from him.
Please let me know what you think or anyone with similar situation please help.
Thank you
jeanine says
April 14, 2016 at 2:50 pmHi please help!!! My husband of 4 years has asked me for a divorce. He says he doesn’t love me anymore, is unhappy,and that he wants freedom. A few days later he moved out and took everything we accumalated together. I am 8 months pregnant and we also have a 2 year old son. My life has fallen apart since he left. I then caught him walking in the street holding another woman’s hand and kissing. I was so angry that I filed for a divorce the following day. He asked me to take the kids and move to my mum as he is never coming back to me. Things were fine we were happy and excited about our new baby on the way and then he just walked out saying he pretended. Please help. What can I do? I really want him to come back home as I love him dearly and want our marriage to work. What do I do and say as he says he doesn’t want to reconcile or try or even go to counseling. Thank you
Edgar Njenga says
April 14, 2016 at 7:04 amHi,
I have separated with my wife for a month now. We had a been having fights about trust issues. In the heat of the arguments I made her feel that her contribution to the marriage was zero. I also made her feel that I don’t need her.
I really want to save my marriage and today I told her that. We have been arguing on both text and email. She says she is fed up and wants us to move on with our lives. She has not responded to my reconciliation message. What should I do and what don’t I do?
Thanks
Edgar
Scott says
April 11, 2016 at 11:09 amAfter 31 years of marriage I am getting out today. I have sat back and watched things fall apart way to long. My wife wants nothing to do with me. I am sick and tired of being alone in a house with another person and being the only one that is working on changing to be a better person.
Preethi says
April 9, 2016 at 8:11 amHi
We have been married for 5years now. Communication has always been an issue plus we were living with in laws for 4 years. I have flaws which he has mentioned and and am working on it. How do I communicate with confidence How do I make him see the changes in me that he had been looking for and change his attitude towards me in a better way that I care, trust and love him and the same same from him. And I want our marriage to be happy one
Lisa says
March 20, 2016 at 1:30 amHi I am currently going through the exact situation you wrote about. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married going on 6. For alot of this time I slowly fell deeper into depression. When we found out we were having our first child together, I also lost my Dad which hit me very hard and never really got over it for the longest time. After that I lost my grandparents and an Uncle all in tramatic ways. My husband stayed by my side through all of this even when I was barely hanging on. A few months ago I turned the way I was feeling around. I was tired of not being the wife he deserved and the mom our kids needed. I am seeing a counselor and working on me. But he isn’t happy now and has said that he was ready to leave before I had my moment of “clarity”. One night while out with the guys, he actually gave his phone number out to someone he met and for about 1-1/2 wks he would text with her and had actually met with her once for coffee. When I found out about it, he said he had found alittle bit of happiness talking with this person. He did within a day or so, after I asked, tell her that we were going to work on our marriage. He has also apoligized many times for that happening. He hasn’t left but says he needs space to find himself again and do exactly what you mentioned in your article “miss me”. He says he doesn’t really get to take his space because he works 8-10 hrs a day and only has a few hours when he gets home and I feel like I need to leave to do this for him. He has also said that if we were in a financially better situation he would move out for a bit so that he could find himself and try to miss me. He says he still loves me but doesn’t feel that “in love” feeling. I am so frustrated, scared, sad and hurt. I am afraid of falling back to where I was before but fighting to not have that happen. It is so hard for me to “let him go” when I am finally starting to feel like the person he married again. How do I make this process easier or is there such a thing??
Stewart says
March 29, 2016 at 1:12 pmI have a similar situation. I feel that I am in a marriage with unbelievable similarities to yours. My wife has been my best friend and my support for me over the past 5 years that it has taken me to get grounded. Now she is tired and wants space. I have never been over the top emotional but now I am a wreck because I don’t want to lose her. I am finally coming to terms with letting her go and hoping that she will miss me and want to be together. It is really hard good luck and try to find a hobby or second jod that is fun to you to keep your mind from spinning the what should I do now thoughts.
Laurie says
April 21, 2016 at 2:53 amWow! I’m pretty much in the same situation as you. Married almost 12 years. He did leave after a fight . Unlike your husband, he slept with a stranger from a bar! Yep! Disgusting! So, now…he’s got all the space he wants! I’m not bothering him in the least now! Seems he’s bewildered by my lack of reaction!!! Ahhh! Betrayal is awful! I believe if you give him his space and become the best woman you can, you’ll win in the end! Life can be hard at times. I regret telling my husband “you destroyed my life” because I gave him power over me! No more! Laurie
David says
March 18, 2016 at 6:09 pmHave been married 29 years. 4 kids, the youngest is 20. 7/19/2015 W told me she has no feelings for me, does not love me and wants a divorce. She blindsided me with all of that. I am guilty of financial infidelity that occurred 15 yrs ago, exacerbated by career challenges thru 2010 that caused me to be under much stress. During that time we grew apart and had a sexless marriage for 4 years. About 1-2 year would have an anger outburst at wife to please get on a budget (she earned $150k/year and only had to pay for food, clothes, cell phone, gifts and college spending money for kids). She cited those anger outbursts as why she no longer loves me because they hurt her to her very core. All she wanted was for me to love her, treat her well and appreciate her. I always loved her and treated her well and appreciated her most of the time. She had a 2 year affair that ended Jan 2014. I forgave her and was working hard to improve our marriage. I thought we were doing well. After 7/19 she told me that I should have gone to counseling with her after the affair. I wish I would have as I learned that it took her longer to get over the affair than I thought. Specifically, we went on a great trip one month before she dropped the bomb on me and while I thought we had a great and loving time…she viewed it as an opportunity to see if she still loved me. After 7/19 she said that she pretended to love me for many years and was determined to stay in the marriage until our youngest was no longer a minor. She certainly acted like she loved me and said so many times during that time. She filed for D in August, then moved out in Oct. She has zero interest in doing anything to save our marriage. The D slowed down as her father became ill and then passed away. We have talked maybe 6 hours since she moved out. I love her and believe our marriage can be saved and have been going to a counselor to work on my issues. I have apologized to my wife for anything I did to hurt her. Now I give her space and communicate only as needed. She is miserable (as am I) but is adamant that she is done. She told me that her pro marriage counselor is not pro our marriage (What? How can the counselor be pro marriage then). Help!
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 20, 2016 at 11:49 amDear David,
I apologize for not responding to this, for some reason it was not showing up on the back end of my site. Regarding your divorce, I’m sorry you’re going through this and can only imagine how difficult it must be. If your wife is adamant that she is done and not willing to work on the marriage there are few things you can do other than to show up very differently every chance you get to speak to her or see her. She would need to see that you have managed your anger and made any other changes that she previously complained about. Continue doing your work in therapy and give her space while periodically checking in with her.
If she refuses to give you a chance, continue to do the changes for yourself–they will help you in every relationship.
Take Care-Lisa
Chad says
March 18, 2016 at 2:18 pmMy wife and I recently separated after a spat where we both ended up screaming that we want a divorce from each other. She lived in the home we just bought 15 months prior for a month and was sexually active with me during this time until I put a stop to it because it hurt so much. It was just sex for her and meant everything to me. I wasn’t the best husband for years due to inner demons that I have been working on for the past year. About 10 months ago she came to me and said that she had been having an emotional affair with someone she used to work with at the hospital and that she ended it to work on us. Well the summer went by and we were not getting any better and I kept accusing her of having an affair with this guy that I knew and our children knew and love. It came out in October about the affair and that she was lying earlier in the year about the affair and ending it. She said that she ended the relationship with this guy which I do believe. Well since we separated she has been with him consistently and he is around the kids a lot. We have 4 Kids, one together and 2 from her previous marriage and 1 from mine. I hardly get to see the Step Kids that I have been raising since they were 3 and 2 years old, now 9 and 7. I want my wife back and am hurting but it seems that she is dating this guy and really falling for him. She keeps coming around and we talk about 6 to 7 times a day and the phone calls are initiated by her. She comes around our house for breakfast and coffee and gets ready and walks around naked in front of me. She continues to kiss my check and lately has gotten closer and closer to kissing my lips but I have pulled back. I am working on myself and will continue this but I need to figure out what to do about this situation with this guy and my children
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 21, 2016 at 3:40 pmDear Chad,
It sounds like your wife is taking advantage of you. She’s gets to speak with you every day and often see you so she doesn’t have to feel any consequences for her cheating. My suggestion is that you pull back and stop talking to her 6 times a day and having coffee with her. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well and respects you. She is not respecting you or treating you well. I can only imagine that this doesn’t feel good to you. I also imagine that you don’t feel good about yourself when you continue to be available for her while she has a boyfriend. I suggest that you work with a professional on how to set limits in this relationship so that you start to feel better about yourself while also showing your wife that you won’t always be there for her if she continues to treat you like this.
You deserve better, but will not get that if you don’t set limits and start having more respect for yourself than you’re showing now.
Stop accepting the calls, refuse to see her naked, stop having breakfast each morning. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and you’re enabling that. Stop enabling.
Take Care-Lisa
Luke says
March 13, 2016 at 4:05 pmIve also did alot of stuff wrong, wasnt a reliable husband, anger, hurt and wreck alot of relationships,,,Since ive got help Ive changed my life,and ways..Ive fixed,tried to fixed and have owned up to all my mistakes..Its so hard because now that im doing better than the man she married 10 years ago she wont come back..I want her to complete this life changing journey with me the one we started , but she takes 5 steps forward with me then 20 back and runs and feels bad that she led me on..she doesnt trust me….and said “shes scared if i get depressed again” says she cant do it again.
Luke says
March 13, 2016 at 3:59 pmHi, my name is Luke. my wife and I have been seperated for 6 months now. There seemed to be progress going on before christmas but then she gets scared. Ive battled with depression very bad for 5 years and she stood by me.. Since she left I’ve been through all kinds of counselling and am feeling better than I have ever felt in my life. My wife can see it but it makes her angry. She says she cant get past the past 5 years but if she could turn off the light switch and it was gone we would have the best marriage there could be.. but she cant turn it off. Shes 39 and all of a sudden has a whole new group of friends who are in their early 20’s. Shes going out all the time now but everyone that actually knows the real her, shes pushing away. She says she’s happy and doesn’t care about anything anymore. When I was depressed for those 5 years both her parents died and our nephew. She didn’t deal with it because she thought she had to be strong for me. I know shes now going through lots of stuff with that regard. She’s depressed and is running. I haven’t been able to stop worrying about her, texting her, calling etc… she’s to the point now where shes said shes knows I’m there and if she needs me she will call, told me not to worry about her. We still love each other. We’re like teenagers when we see each other, all giddy , smiles etc. I’m afraid of letting go because I feel like I’m giving up on her now that shes going through her issues. She stood by me and I feel I should and want to do the same. Please help, I’m confused and don’t want to lose her or my step daughter I raised with her. Her whole family is worried about her. I went to them with my concerns and she found out and is very angry with me. I’ve told her I’m not going to bug her and if and when she needs me I’m here. She said to her sister I’m manipulative the way I’m trying to push her into making a decision. I have lots of hope and don’t want to give up on on her…she has no one…But I’m scared I didn’t give the space in the right time like I should have.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 14, 2016 at 1:12 pmLuke,
You are right to tell her that you are there for her if she needs you. Let her know you are going to give her some space and that if she ever needs to talk that you are hear. Then back off–stop calling, texting or writing. Instead start focusing on you and making sure you are in a good space for relationships. Allow the next two weeks to go by with no contact initiated by you. Then you can check in via a short text that just says you wanted to check in and see how she’s doing. Continue to work your side through this and let her family know that you will be pulling back to give her space so they can step in if she needs more support.
See what happens after a 6 weeks of giving her some space.
Hang in there and nice job turning your depression around!
Lisa
Luke says
March 15, 2016 at 10:53 amThank you, This is the hardest thing Ive ever done. I’m a fix it type of guy. This is killing me seeing her hurt and me feeling like a lot of it is because of me. I hope its not too late to give her space. I should have done it long ago, but instead I chased and chased her. I hope the pain that I caused her she is able to let go of and see the new me. I don’t understand why she gets angry at the fact that I am doing so good, she said that she can see the old Luke is back and better. But she wont make a move to come back. Its like shes testing me and herself as well to see if she still has feelings or not, she wants to see if she misses me or if she can just move on. I love her daughter and her so much this kills me. I don’t know any other guy that would have hung on this long (7 Months) not living together and still want her back. She says she sees that and misses family life but wont make a move and stupid me tried to give ultimatums and they only back fired lol..I just hope I didnt push her to far…
Travis says
March 8, 2016 at 10:29 pmMy wife and I have been married since August. I thought things were going to get better after all the things I did since we got together–I would be selfish. Two weeks after our son was born in 2013 I went and took a job three hours away truck driving. It was good money and I planned to make money and buy a house for all of us to live in but I was stupid; I wasted the money– $73,000 to be exact. She constantly holds it over my head and I don’t blame her. Right now we are living separately because the last three months Have been a complete dive. We agreed on the fact that we are going to start from scratch with our relationship but for me starting from scratch was we were living together as friends until stronger feelings develop between us. I have not been the man she needs me to be at all and I hate myself for it. The last couple weeks have been the hardest. I always text her good morning and how are you but its the phone calls that she gets annoyed with. Tonight she said I’m getting to that annoying stage again. For me it sucks because I’m not able to see my wife and my kids every day like I used to. Going to bed alone and waking up alone not knowing if I’m going to see him that day and it puts a whole lot of stress on me. I’m trying to be strong and take it step-by-step but my brain keeps forcing me to call her or contact her and try to see her. I just need help with being strong because after reading this article I know for a fact I’m insecure. I need help with that. So please if anybody’s got any advice for me at all I’ll take it plus she always said I was always getting angry. Now I am seeking anger management in hopes that they can change me too.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 10, 2016 at 10:07 amDear Travis,
I’m glad to hear you are trying your best to repair the damage you did with your family. Your wife is going to have to see if she can trust you again which means it will take time for you to earn her trust back. The best way for you to do that is to show up different. Working on anger management is a great place to start–you should be the safest person in your family’s home–not the scariest one. My suggestion is that you work on yourself to get yourself calmer and less insecure. When you’re able to fix those two pieces, your wife will be able to see the changes and perhaps give you another chance. Be calmer with the kids, give your wife some space and work on you during this time. Be sure to stay in contact with the children during this time but do not use the children as a means to talk with your wife.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Brian says
March 3, 2016 at 12:13 pmSame baisc story for me. Married 13 years, 4 kids, know her since we were 10. I have had issues with communication that I’ve tried dealing with myself without successfully getting to where she wants it to be. It always seems to be that she never informs me that I’m not successfully fulfilling what she needs until she has thought about it for months and has come to a decision point. This time she is saying she wants out of the marriage. She says shes done trying. Even though I have explained that she hasn’t communicated with me while she’s feeling these thoughts and she finally admitted it the other day that ok, she didn’t help communicate it to me. She read her journal to me looking back on times she “informed” me that I needed to fix issues. She was reading and read a statement regarding our last issues a few years back saying “he seems like he is improving some”. I stopped her there and restated that to her. She has been telling me the past few weeks since this Divorce talk started that I shouldn’t be surprised this is coming, and how couldn’t I know. Well this right here is what I told her is why I am surprised. I can’t be expected to know things if she doesn’t communicate them when they are happening and not after months go by. This doesn’t seem to be making an impact on her so far. She just keeps saying her mind is past it now and she is thinking beyond this point. I have started counseling for myself for a few weeks now. She made a comment that she sees improvement in me already. I have been trying to do other tasks around the house as well. She got emotional the other day and said everything I am doing is exactly what she needed a few years back but she doesn’t feel it changing her mind right now. I told her I understand that feeling and that it makes sense that she will need to feel this for the long term and I wouldn’t expect her to change her mind so quickly. I’ve told her I’m still gonna fight even though she is “done”. I struggle daily to give her “space” however show her I care, am fighting and am changing my faults.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 4, 2016 at 5:00 pmBrian,
It sounds like you are doing great! Keep it up. Keep working on your side–without looking for reassurance from your wife–just keep on changing and showing her that you’re changing. Continue with individual therapy–it sounds like it’s helping a great deal and give your wife space. I love the answer that you gave your wife when she said she needed these changes a few years back–your response was perfect. Stay on track. The fact that she was emotional and saying she noticed the changes are a great sign. Even if doesn’t change her mind, you’re changes are going to help you going forward. And if she does change her mind, you both have the chance for a very new marriage…if you keep the progress going.
Stay focused on you, try not to get discouraged and continue to work your side.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Brian says
March 7, 2016 at 4:40 pmThanks Lisa,
It seems up and down each day however she has never SAID anything besides she is done trying. It does seem like to more I try to interact with her, the more she pulls back. However I just don’t know how I show changes as far as not being emotionally connected before and yet giving her space? I fight with myself over that everyday. I have seen some evidence that a guy may be pursuing her. Not sure what he knows about our current situation. He’s an old friend of hers from before we were married. That has obvisoulsy caused me to be upset. She doesn’t know I know about this though
Amy says
March 2, 2016 at 9:47 pmAfter everything….can my marriage be saved?
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. During that time we went through many difficulties-financial, communication difficulties, adult ADHD (and not doing the research on it until after all of this), depression, miscarriage after years of trying, getting pregnant too soon after that miscarriage, and then finally an emotional affair with a work mate when I was 8 months pregnant. My husband claimed I put him down, never acted like I loved him, made him unhappy, and that I pushed him away and into another’s arms. He wants a divorce but also wants to remain close friends. Our marriage was not the best, but i think it could have been salvageable with help.
We’ve since had the baby, he’s moved out, the girl he was seeing moved across the country with her ex, I have ppd, and my husband has started dating yet again.
And for some crazy reason, I want to get back to being a family: we have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. I’ve made all the wrong mistakes you listed. All of them.
But I feel very strongly that we should give each other a second chance. That there is something there still. That with the right tools and help we could be happy again. He’s mad I am doing this now that’s he’s dating….but I tried explaining that there was no time, since there always was a someone else. I’m
Honestly not ready for anything but feel like if I don’t speak up now it’ll be too late since he’s already started to see someone else.
Is it too late for us? Am I being stupid to think we can make it? Everything is so overwhelming right now.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 4, 2016 at 4:52 pmDear Amy,
Have you had an honest conversation with your husband about what you’ve realized, what you’re willing to do and what you want? You won’t know if it’s too late unless you ask him. Ask him to get into marital counseling with you and see if he’s willing to do so. If he is, make sure you find an excellent helping professional who specializes in working with couples. you can go to this site to find a therapist near you: http://www.terryreal.com or ask friends who have gone themselves and had a great person to help them.
You both have two children together–it’s worth giving it another chance to see if it can work.
Good luck–and have the conversation,
Lisa
Amy says
March 8, 2016 at 2:13 pmWelp, he wasn’t willing to try. He cannot see us working and will continue to see where things go with this new girl. And now that I’ve put myself out there, I’m crushed all over again, trying not to hate him for refusing to at least try. Oh well….time to move on.
Hirsch says
March 1, 2016 at 8:57 pmMy husband and I have been married for 8 years this August but have been together since 2001, save about an 18 month break in our early 20’s. He has been miserable for about a month and I was giving him some time to work it out before I started to ask him what was wrong because we hadn’t had a fight or anything. He’s been working a lot, almost every day. We are trying to get out of debt. He’s in the medical field and deals with some heavy stuff. He said he’s been going over things I’ve said and done in his mind and he’s unhappy. We talked about a few things but not for long. He said I was being overbearing once I felt something was wrong. I was trying to be extra caring BC he has a hard job! I had no idea I was the reason he was miserable. He said he still loves me and wants our family to work (2 kids) but he wants some space to deal. I offered to come home later on the days when he’s off and he said theres no reason for that. I don’t want to bother him about our issues but I realize things about myself in our relationship that need to be fixed. I’ve been trying to work on some since before he starting being sad. In my eyes he’s invincible physically and emotionally…which is why I never thought anything I said could really hurt him. Now I’m on the other side and I feel awful. We’ve both said things that were taken out of context and miscommunicated. I don’t know whether or not to talk about what we can fix or what to do. I’ve stopped texting him BC he never responds. We talk when we see each other and kiss goodbye with I love yous. I do have insecurities that I project onto him but I don’t feel like he’d cheat on me and he’s said its not that. I hope you or someone can give me guidance on how to work through this. I am seriously considering therapy on my own. Thank you.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 4, 2016 at 4:46 pmDear Hirsch,
Individual therapy would be great–as long as the therapist works to help you with your insecurities that you’re projecting on to your husband. Be sure the therapist will relationally empower you (helps you to be healthy IN the relationship) rather than works on individual empowerment–which often empowers people right out of their relationships. You could also ask your husband if the two of you could try marital counseling to work on the marriage.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Cyrus says
February 24, 2016 at 2:07 amMe and my Wife are staying separately now. She insisted that we divorce and we are not in contact. I had proposed to her to meet with the lawyer two months from now so take this time to really think what we want. So what am I suppose to do now till April?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 24, 2016 at 6:18 pmCyrus,
I’m so sorry to hear that. Perhaps you listen to your inner voice that’s telling you to take this time to think about what YOU really want as well? Sometimes with space comes new clarity.
I hope things work out for the you and your wife.
Take Care-Lisa
Jake says
February 17, 2016 at 10:35 amLisa,
I wont go into a ton of history but know this; My wife recently lost her dad to liver failure. She went to west Virginia to be with him while he was in the hospital and ultimately to be there for when he did pass. I was between home and WV several times within a month to be there for her and help her take care of some things. But when I was home I was taking care of our 2 children and working. Long story short, during a time when I could not be there for her because I had to be a working father to my children, she got stuck in her hotel after a snow storm. She had an old guy friend she grew up with pick her up and take her to go get some food. I noticed some behaviors over the course of a week or 2 and confronted her and learned she was having an emotional affair with this guy. She continues to talk to him on the phone almost daily since we have been back home and back in normal life. We’ve had several talks and even been to a couples counselor which I think was actually detrimental to us getting through this. She says she feels trapped and she has feeling for this guy. I’ve been reading some books and trying to better myself and pulled some tips from what I have been reading. I’m really hurt and the only thing that I was willing to do from what I read was to be more affectionate and help to make her life better. I know this is going to push her away and it has because I have noticed in the last few days its not helping. So I realize i need to give her space which is what I have decided to do. Do you have any advice as to how to give her space when I live with her and I have been so affectionate lately? I have also been trying to listen to her better and not talk about the emotional affair. I’ve made it clear that it is not okay and she needs to make a decision either him or our family. I dont want to give ultimatums because it is so close to her father passing so I know this could just be a phase. What can I do to give her space so that she can miss me without being gone? She is a stay at home mom and I don’t want to be out all the time on top of working while she has to take care of 2 young kids (3 and 6) by herself. I do want to be able to relieve her at the end of a hard day because my kids are super draining.
Dee says
April 5, 2016 at 6:34 amRead the six stages of mid life crisis
Jess says
February 12, 2016 at 9:19 amHey
My husband and I are about to have our 1 year anniversary in March and last week he comes to me and tells me he is miserable because every time he looks at me he sees our children we lost. In 2014 we got pregnant unexpectedly with twins, I was terrified and he was ecstatic. Well in September we had to have surgery because I was experiencing twin to twin transfusion syndrome which required surgery that was necessary for them to survive . I had the surgery and it was a success but while recovering I contracted an infection in the hospital and went into labor at 18 weeks. We held them as they passed away because they were too under developed to live. I grieve their passing shortly after and still have my moments today but I have rallied around my family. Since the loss my husband has had 2 moments where he was verbal about him being sad but he never pushed me away and we got through it. Well now he says he’s so miserable , been feeling this since it happened and can’t be around me because reminds him of it. I suggested therapy and he said yes but he hates therapy and I know he probably won’t go. I am a fixer and knowing he is hurting is killing me and I’m getting smoothering. Everyone says give him space but it kills me him being distant and not being affectionate like he was just was 2 weeks ago. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 21, 2016 at 3:47 pmDear Jess,
Set an appointment for therapy or join a grief support group for parents who have experienced a similar loss as the both of you. Don’t worry about whether or not he likes therapists–he said he would go so take him. That was a very traumatic loss for both of you. The strain on couples is very difficult when they lose a child (children) and the best way to handle that loss is to get support.
I’m so sorry for your loss and believe you both will be able to get through this if you seek help to partner around the grief. In the mean time, tell your husband you’re there for him if and when he wants to talk about it. Perhaps having a close friend of his come over to talk with him also might be a good outlet for him.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Alex says
February 6, 2016 at 8:30 pmAbout a month ago my wife of 2 years said she needed a couple of days away to think things over and stayed with her friend. Instead she came home two weeks ago and declared she wants to leave me, that she loves me, but not in love with me. I was blindsided and completely devastated. In a week I learned what was the problem. I was taking good care of her, but was taking her for granted. I never learned how to communicate on an emotional level and I thought she was ok with it, but that was the source of her unhappiness. On top of that I did not spend enough quality time with her. I finally met her yesterday to tell her that, apologize and ask her to work on our marriage. I found a therapist, who I believe could help us. She said that she looked back and realized I was never there for her even since before marriage. She thinks she made a mistake. She thinks I will not be able to give her the emotional support she needs. On the final note she agreed to meet with the therapist, but she was not sure she has what it takes to try working on the marriage. Do you think she already checked out and is just doing this because she does not want to hurt me more? Is it still possible to get her back by giving her space or is it the dead end?
Shane says
February 3, 2016 at 9:05 pmAwesome tips! My wife and I have been married for over five years and technically still together going on eight this February. We have been seperated for almost a month and at times it’s a little rough. I’ve in no way pressured her into reconciling. Just last week the only thing I told her is that we don’t rush into getting divorced that’s all. Guess sometimes you want to know if the other person cares. We have a four year old together and there is two step children who despise me. Only thing I can do is focus on me and my son and keep busy.
Dan says
February 1, 2016 at 8:54 pmAfter 10 years of marriage and me doing everything that she can possibly ask for, my wife had asked me to give her space. I asked why is it that she needed this so called “space” but got nothing in return. I have a job that may have caused this but prior to me getting this job I asked her if it would cause any kind of damage to our marriage and she said no after I went over what it consist of (change of hours on any given day whether its days or night). I don’t think that I have done anything that would make her do this decision.
We have 2 daughters in which I help out in practically everything whether its doing their hair, helping out with homework, cooking, taking them to school–whenever I do have the chance to do so– as well as picking them up. My wife while at work has the time to go to the gym sometimes picks them up from school etc.
Prior to this I’ve noticed the difference in her that she wasn’t really trying to do much as far as helping our marriage. I’ve done special dinners, a night in the town even some outdoor fun, but I hardly see any spark in what I’ve planned out for us.
I seriously don’t know what to do and don’t want to make a mistake.
Mike says
January 26, 2016 at 8:15 amLisa,
I find myself in a similar situation as many of the other stories here. My wife told me we needed to separate about 10 days ago. I was devastated. I know we have a lot of things we need to fix, and our marriage is indeed broken. I tried to fight it, begging and pleading not to do this. Just like most of the other stories here, I was doing the exact opposite of what you have been saying. We have two small children under the age of 8, so giving space has been a bit difficult as I still want to be a part of my children’s lives. I still call and tell them to have a good day at school, and call at night to tell them goodnight. I am trying to keep any conversation with my wife to just about the kids. I have started Counseling on my own, my wife has been going on her own for a few months now, and we are to start couples Counseling this week. She told me yesterday that we needed to alternate activities with the children because she felt like I was still living at our house. ( I still stay there 3 nights a week to be with the children as she works 3rd shift) She told me that she just needs some time to miss me. I didn’t understand. Now I do. Before I started Counseling, I would have gotten very upset at this news, and it probably would have turned into a fight, but I agreed and told her if that’s what she needed, that it was ok with me. Please tell me I’m doing right by calling and talking to my children. I am hoping that this is not intruding on her space. I have also started going to a gym, and getting myself back to church. I am trying to change me so I can be better for her and our children. Any advice you have will be much appreciated.
Nat says
January 25, 2016 at 12:24 amMy husband and I have been married for 3 years. Our relationship has been tainted since before we got married. Main issue, no sex! Not as much as he wanted. He told me that he felt rejected and neglected.. Finally after years we decided to separate ( mostly his decision, just couldn’t take it anymore). I gotta say I got used to our relationship the way it was and I never thought we’d be where we are now. Maybe I did take our relationship for granted. I now see and really understand his perspective. However a bit late right?. Trust me, I regret not working on things earlier.
So, we have been separated for 6 months and it’s hard for me. I miss him and find all I want to do is text him and see what he’s doing. I really feel like he’s enjoying this time apart.
I’m taking this time to improve myself by going to the gym (working on my ass like he always wanted lol), controlling my stress, gaining hobbies, and most importantly growing my relationship with God. I’m really trying to let God take full reigns and just get to be patient. I starting praying for my husband.
Furthermore, I know not to smother him and when we talk I always try to be positive. I try hard to really think about what I’m going to say. I don’t want to push him away even more. Actually, I’m trying to get him to be attracted to me again.. Emotionally first. We need to gain that connection again. We’ve lost it.
Does anyone have any advice?
Justin says
January 20, 2016 at 4:28 amI saw a text from my wife and co-worker and it upset me because it wasn’t appropriate. Since then I caught her in several other lies. She said she needed to get away for a few days to calm her nerves so I let her go and didn’t contact her once. On the day she was going to return I called her and talked and asked her if she was coming home. She said she wanted to stay another night but I said the kids were at daycare and we could spend the day together and watch a movie. So instead of coming home right away she went and got a tattoo and then ate lunch with her co-worker before she picked up the kids and finally came home. We argued a bit about the trust issue and she wouldn’t show me her phone to prove nothing was going on. Then she said I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m fairly certain she cheated on me emotionally and probably physically b/c I never stalked her or anything. Now she wants a divorce. We are still living together peacefully for the kids. We have talked about what we are going to do with the house and other items. I stopped saying I love you to her and tried to give her space. She wants to go out more often and it kills me because I want to ask what she’s doing but she doesn’t want me to. She’s not wearing her wedding ring anymore either. Is there still hope for our marriage? I have no clue how to win her back.
Zest says
January 16, 2016 at 7:37 amThanks for an edifying website.l have a situation and l sometimes think l have done more than enough to help save this marriage, but all l get in return is a red card. We are 2 years into this marriage. l have no child but she has. We live with this 6yr old child. l was told (sometimes with insults, and bad language that l’m no longer loved, it was a mistake to marry me, it isn’t you but me) …all sorts of words. Initially l was shocked, and l guess l begged to be given some time to work on the items she mentioned. The real reason was l wanted to work things out most especially because the things l was blamed for l realized were personality issues rather than character issues, but still it seemed not to work.l was away for 6 months because l was working 10 hours away. I got back, resigned from my work place to look for a job closer whilst l give more time to my family. It doesn’t seem to work well because it seems to get better then suddenly she is upset by something. When l seem to to try to get close to understand, she pushes me away.l believe I’m generally a strong man because l have withstood a lot of verbal abuse and humility. When she is calm she apologizes and agrees that she want us to work things for the better….but it doesn’t take long before she is saying lets call it quits. Is there hope in this or she is sick in someway?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 16, 2016 at 11:56 amDear Zest,
It sounds like you both could benefit from couples counseling. You shouldn’t have to take any verbal abuse and although she later apologies, she will have to learn how to stop doing it. If she refuses to get help then it’s unlikely your marriage will be able to survive–at least not in any healthy way. Ask your wife to get couples counseling with you and see if you both can work through some of these issues and learn to be loving and connected to one another.
You deserve to be in a safe marriage and not one with verbal abuse and frequent threats of leaving.
Take Care-Lisa
Sana says
December 23, 2015 at 6:22 amI was supposed to be celebrating my 7th wedding anniversary while my husband hit me with “I need space and we need a separation period” .
I’m devastated, angry and sad. Yes we went through a rough time and we had our fair share of ups and downs. I don’t know what happened suddenly that he started pushing me away while 1 day before he was nice to me. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. He’s the love of my life. I cried, pleaded, tried the tough card–but I’m emotionally unstable. I can’t do anything. Please help me. It’s been 4 days and I’m losing my mind ..and we still live together but separate rooms. He’s 43 and I’m 39. We don’t have kids.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 24, 2015 at 6:03 pmDear Sana,
I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to hear this from your husband. If, however, you feel as though you are emotionally unstable, then start there. Get yourself grounded and healthy first and foremost. It’s very difficult to be in a relationships with someone who is emotionally unstable. Work on your own issues first and then you can focus on creating a better relationship. Focus on you and getting yourself stronger. Do not look to him to feel better.
Once you get help and are feeling stronger you can begin to look at how to save your relationship.
Slow things down; Breathe, and remind yourself you can handle this.
And then call a professional to help walk you through the necessary steps you need to take.
Warmly,
Lisa
Solitude says
December 19, 2015 at 11:31 pmAfter 14
Years together and married for 11, I was diagnosed bipolar. Did the most terrible things. She was always there for me. Was on treatment and out of treatment. Last year and this year. We moved back to our country as I was getting worse in London. She suffered so much.
This year I got seriously bad. Decided to be at my parents house instead of with her at her sisters house. Didn’t see the year coming. She tried to end everything but I asked for a second chance. She said ok but we should not be together for now. I went on a retreat and started to get better quickly. But she’s still in another city at her parents house. Now on whats apt after talking about my new treatment with supplements she started to talk weird things, like she doesn’t know if everything will be ok, if she believes in “us” anymore, etc. that hurt.
I told her we should talk another time.
The problem is that she’s so hurt and upset that she keeps feeding her anger, always remembering what I did wrong.
I see the problem is that we’re not living together for a long time. And after she agreed to give me a chance, we never slept together or stayed more than a couple of hours together.
I want to be with her so badly. But since she gave me the chance I focused on getting better and respected her condition to be apart. But now I see this is what is causing her thoughts to split again.
It’s been a couple of hours but now I can’t sleep.
I’m about to go to her and say I want my real chance to be together. I simply don’t want to live without her. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I’m afraid and got worse in a couple of hours.
What should I do?
Milo says
December 18, 2015 at 7:18 amMy wife has said she doesn’t love me. She was ready to walk out the door when she realized she was pregnant. Although we knew it was not reason to stay together on its own, it definitely gave us, or should I say her, a big reason to make it work.
I’ve basically done everything I’m not supposed to, but I’ve now started trying to distance myself. She wants me to go out more and gets excited for me. She keeps making sure that I’m doing things that make me happy and it has become very hard for me to think that she is not doing it because she wants to feel like I’m moving on and doing better so that she can leave and not feel so bad about it.
We lost the baby on Sunday.
We are cohabiting as roommates, we can individually go out without giving reason and we are supposed to be dating to get to know each other again. I just don’t feel I’m making any progress. I try to not do the things you’ve listed but I can’t help but question everything she says/does.
I’ve done the changes she’s been wanting me to make but now she says it’s too late and she wants to feel that rush from meeting other people, being asked out, etc.
Please anything you can say about this situation will be of help.
Thank you very much.
Richard says
December 11, 2015 at 11:10 pmMy wife of 8 years asked/told me to move out 4 months ago. We had to move, we moved together but I didn’t stay long in the new place. We’ve been separated for 3 months today. Its extremely hard we have 2 kids, I take them to school everyday but that’s it. She said she needed space but I never gave it to her. I’ve done the exact things you said not to do, pushing, begging, pleading, trying to convince. At times we have great conversations and it seems like there is a chance but then I do something and she retreats back. She says she loves when she is calm and we are good, but when she is mad she fights back hard and insults me. Now she says she just wants space, we haven’t talked divorce, only when she is angry and throws it in my face, but I’ve become obsessive and can’t get her out of my head. I miss her and the kids madly and I don’t know how to change it. I see a therapist but she refuses, I have really made an effort to change my ways but I can’t seem to get out of the rabbit hole.
Jenny says
December 23, 2015 at 12:28 pmAsk her out to a special dinner. Just you and her. Tell her you miss them very much. Ask her if you can come back home. That you want nothing more than to have your family back. And you cant live without her. And wait. Don’t give up. It will pay off with time.
Billy says
December 4, 2015 at 1:30 pmHi have a lot of similar issues in my marriage. Me and my wife are 19 and 18 and we just had our first child on the 21st last month. On the 30th, after I got off work and came home, she asked me to gather my things and go, so I did. I’m having an extremely hard time giving her space as I want to see my son. We were living with her parents. How do I get what’s lost back? She told me she’s over the edge and isn’t sure anymore. I don’t want to loose my marriage and chance of having a family.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 9, 2015 at 12:47 pmDear Billy,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. The first thing you will want to do is get clear about why she asked you to move out. What were her complaints? Why was she so unhappy with you? Take a long, hard look at what you were doing and start to step in differently. Were you defensive, angry, mean etc.? If so, every time you speak or see her, you have to show up differently. Show her that you heard her and that you are changing. Don’t chase her, beg her, blow up at her or anything else–simply work your side and be healthier on your end. Also, be a loving dad to your son–there is nothing more endearing to women.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Michael says
November 28, 2015 at 12:47 amI’ve done everything wrong my wife says she still loves me but she loves him more he is an older man and we take care of him he stays very sick I can’t leave and she won’t if I do I lose everything my kids my wife and a really good friend she wants space but she still has to spend time with him what do I do
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 9, 2015 at 1:09 pmDear Michael,
The man living in your home and having an affair with your wife is anything but your friend. He is neither a friend to you nor to your family. Friends don’t cheat on friends. Period. Ask your wife to get into therapy so both of you can get help working through the affair and your marriage. Doing this alone-with him in the house-will be crazy hard. If she won’t get help with you, then get help on your own. you will need support going through this–especially during the holidays.
Take Care-Lisa
Travis says
November 26, 2015 at 11:26 amI’ve recently had the same situation happen to me. My wife and I have been married nearly 10 years. I went to watch a game and came home to an empty house, our bank account empty. A few days later she called from her mom’s house a 1000 miles away telling me that she doesn’t know what she wants and that she needs space. She’s the love of my life and I’m having a lot of problems with it. My friends are telling me that I’m crazy for holding on and to file for divorce. I just can’t go through with it. She says she’s coming back before Christmas but I don’t trust her. I’m very upset and find it almost impossible not to try and contact her. I can’t stop thinking about her. She’ll be out of money soon and I still want to help her. Should I let go or?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
December 9, 2015 at 12:40 pmDear Travis,
I’m so sorry to hear that your wife left you the way she did–I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to come home to an empty house like that. My suggestion is that before you decide anything, that you get into therapy–ideally with your wife–to work through what happened. IF she refuses, I would think twice before you agree to take her back since it’s likely this will happen again in the future if it’s not worked through.
In the mean time, hang in there and get as much support as you can from family and friends.
Take Care-Lisa
Jon says
October 29, 2015 at 6:54 pmI’ve recently went thru this same situation, my wife told me several days ago that she needed space within our home from me (still living together) so she can get out of her funk. She won’t tell me what her problem is although I haven’t really probbed into it as she tends to bottle everything up inside and is near to impossible to talk to. She says it’s not me it’s her, but she also took lots of low blows with her words.. Which makes me think it was me… Knew she was slipping away weeks ago and was grasping for any form of intimacy and think drove her over the edge… I’m an overly affectionate person and she is not, I don’t know the steps to take to get things back on track. I understand she needs time and trying desperately to give it to her, I just don’t know how to fix what is broken when communication isn’t there, anytime I try to open up and sit down with her and talk calmly she always says I’m making it all about me, even if I’m not. She told me if it wasn’t for the kids she would already be gone. I don’t know where to go from here, I’ve thought about counseling for myself to try to work thru some of my issues, since I know she would never go with me
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
November 2, 2015 at 9:16 amJon,
I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. Continue to give her the space she needs and seek help for yourself while you go through this difficult time. A professional will be able to guide you through the process and help you process your feelings without having to seek reassurance from your wife. The key is to not smother her right now or try to have long conversations. Seek support outside the marriage with someone who can help you try to save it.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Jessica says
October 23, 2015 at 1:26 pmLisa,
My husband and I have been separated for 3.5 months now. He moved out after I found out he had kissed someone else and once we had a discussion about him and his feelings changing during the past three years since we got married (12/2012). He basically said the feelings weren’t completely there anymore and it would be best to just go our separate ways. He also stated that he wasn’t ready to get married when we did, but he did anyways because he knew I was the woman he wanted to marry. We have a 7 month old which he sees everyday. He is currently living at his mothers house. All his stuff is still at our apartment and when he comes over he is extremely flirty at times. So I don’t know what to think anymore. I want very much to salvage my marriage and try to make him fall back in love with me. I do not text him or call him at all. He is usually the one to do so… I want to try and spark things up again between us. What do you recommend?
IPD says
September 24, 2015 at 8:57 pmAll these comments is exactly what is going on with me. I know we had our bumps but now my wife is going out more and we’re on the verge of divorce. I find myself not giving her space and constantly demanding more time with her. I’m constantly texting her, getting mad, sad and feeling desperate trying to hold on to my marriage. She now is hanging out with her single friends and doing Vegas trips. Should I allow these trips while she still lives with me? I don’t want to push her away but she has fallen out of love with me. I find myself extremely lonely, and confused. Need help before she leaves me for good. Please help
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 30, 2015 at 10:04 pmDear IPD
I’m sorry to hear your struggling with your marriage. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have your wife say she has fallen out of love with you. I could tell you what everyone else has already told you but I doubt it will help because as you’ve experienced, giving her space is the last thing you want to do and the most difficult thing right now. Giving her space though is vital. Texting will push her away every time. You need to give her the space to miss you.
Regarding her going to Las Vegas with her friends, she doesn’t have the right to treat you poorly no matter what she’s feeling or not feeling.
Take care of yourself as best you can through this difficult time.
Hang in there,
Lisa
michael Smith says
September 18, 2015 at 5:53 amHello Lisa thanks for tour time … my lovely wife of 32 years left me 6 weeks ago and has moved to a flat. I hear you – space space space . nothing no txt no contact no calls … but how long is long enough (every woman is different as is the situation) but how long until you run the risk of losing them forever? Do i simply just wait regardless? This beautiful woman is worth fighting for in every possible way .. I must be strong and do everything I can to ensure we have a chance … that means everything she needs not me – and advice you can spare I’d be very grateful. I have to be a better man. I must … I have to get this right. Kind regards michael
Jenny says
December 23, 2015 at 12:19 pmMy husband waited 6 years for me. Tell her how you feel in a letter. I promise you, it will reach her heart. Don’t expect a response right away. I was married 24 years and separated for a while. My husband’s heart felt letter moved me. My husband told me his biggest fear was losing me. Well guess what? He got me back! Think of it this way. By time it will be simple. You are a great man. And she knows it already. Just show her the love from your heart. Love never fails.
michael Smith says
September 18, 2015 at 5:47 amHello Lisa your website is the only one that has any credibility …so I need to ask you for your advise. my wife left me 6 weeks ago . space space space. I need to give her space. It needs to be about me being the best I can and not contacting her or seeing her. My heart felt question is this … how long do you not contact someone to a point of losing them all together.? Is it simply as long as it takes? or do you suggest ( yes I hear you – every woman and situation is different) a period of time that I should wait?
Jake says
September 17, 2015 at 7:42 pmI’m in the same horrible situation. My wife and I were high school sweethearts. And we’re coming up on being married for 10 years. There has been a lot of upsetting things done back and forth. The most recent was some stupid little thing that I did, thinking it harmless. But she found it harmful. Then I find out a month later she was at some guys house a few weeks prior and I saw a very unsettling text to her from him, under a girls name in her phone.
At any rate, I had a really hard time dealing with this and all I really needed was a little reassurance when I needed it. But when I would try for it, it became a fight. So continuing to have a hard time with it I became angry and constantly hurt by the way she would treat me and leave me worrying while she would go to a girl-friends house. I’ve said a lot of bad things and had a hard time dealing with it, and could never get reassurance.
Now she has been staying at her moms house and telling me she is going to be moving out soon.
I’ve been like these other guys and telling her I love her a lot, working on being a better person, worrying/texting a lot.
Also, like the others, I have a hard time just “ignoring” her and giving her “space” because I’m so attracted to her and love her so much, the affection comes naturally and it feels wrong to hide it. I’m also worried that if I do give her “space” I do feel like she will have an easier time leaving.
A little side note is that she still wears her ring. I’m not sure how I should perceive that part either.
I’m assuming I will be recommended to give her space, how is the best way to give space?
Also, we have three kids.
If anyone could help, I’d appreciate it. Thank you
Jenny says
December 23, 2015 at 12:04 pmI’m just like your wife. Let me tell you, if she’s still wearing your ring, she still loves you. She’s just crying for help because shes’ s hurt. Give her time to sort out things in her mind. Thats how we heal. And it takes time. You have the power to heal. As far as space goes. Just be there for her when you see the need. As a woman our pride gets in the way. Show your undieing love for her. Thats what shes looking for even when it doesnt seem that way. She’s not let you go cause she doesn’t want to. She truly loves you from her heart. What ever you do, DONT GIVE UP.
Matt says
January 3, 2016 at 6:43 amThis gives me hope. My wife says she will never fell the same way she did but she still wears her ring. I realized tonight that I just need to back off, give her space, and get a new hobby.
adam says
August 26, 2015 at 9:17 amMy wife told me a few werks ago that she wants out..i have been doing everything you said not to do..i have been trying really hard to make things good for her at home by helping around the house..ive been putting in 100% into trying to fix it but its extremely draining on me…she used to be my rock and now shes not there for me its hard…at what stage do i throw my hand up as she has?
adam says
August 26, 2015 at 9:29 amI also work away from home so im extremely lonely away from her.
Colin says
August 8, 2015 at 5:55 amWe separated over a year ago, I did all the wrong things and pushed my wife further away, in-fact she has moved 1500 miles away with her job.
I’ve spent the time changing and I’m now good with myself, I don’t need her back but I really want her back. We are still in touch although quite infrequently, how do I show her I’ve changed? how do I get her back with 1500 miles between us?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
August 13, 2015 at 6:10 amColin,
The best way to show people that you’ve changed is to show up differently. You can show up differently in conversations on the phone, in how you listen to her, respond to her and react or don’t react. Pay attention to what her specific complaints were and then act the opposite of how you used to. Change is not about buying roses, writing cards and doing all the “fluff” (unless that was one of her complaints) but rather making an internal shift that allows you to be different in those moments of upset, disagreement and struggle.
Once the phone conversations go better, perhaps you could explore the possibility of a visit?
Good luck!
Lisa
Colin says
October 11, 2015 at 6:49 amThank you so much for your reply.
I’m thinking of sending her a letter telling her how I feel, what I’ve learnt , what I did wrong and how things could be different. I know she probably wont respond or even acknowledge it, she has always buried her head in the sand. I am then thinking of flying out there and once there contacting her. She always said I did not go out of my way for her. I also think I let her go too easily, maybe this will show her my commitment.
Colin
Colin says
October 11, 2015 at 6:52 amThank you so much for your reply.
She always said I did not go out of my way for her. I also think I let her go too easily, I’m thinking of sending her a letter telling her how I feel, what I’ve learnt , what I did wrong and how things could be different. I know she probably wont respond or even acknowledge it, she has always buried her head in the sand. I am then thinking of flying out there and once there contacting her. maybe this will show her my commitment.
Colin
Mike says
June 21, 2015 at 5:47 pmI look mad sometimes and she sees it and tells me about it. I can’t stay busy enough–I have to live with her and I don’t like it. I can’t afford to move out. I still love her. Give me some advice
Mike says
June 21, 2015 at 3:31 amEverything you said is my wife to the tee. I’m learning now how to give space–it’s a struggle everyday. I’m taking tai kwon do now and go to church and getting my man back. She does come to me sometimes. I had to learn to go cling back to her,it’s a fight everyday cuz I feel lonely but I’m getting better,
Cris Whitcomb says
May 1, 2015 at 9:36 pmI hope I can do this, its easier said then done. My wife and I have been in the dumps for a few years and she has checked out emotionally. She has asked for space and for some dumb reason, I can’t do it. I text her quite a bit of the time, not letting her miss me. I’m afraid that if I do, she will continue on and leave me. So, the question I have is “How”? How to do I give her space?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
May 20, 2015 at 8:48 pmDear Cris,
You give her space by first changing your thinking. You think that if you give her the space it will make her leaving you easier. Instead, frequently texting or calling etc., drives her away quicker. Know that every time you chase her, you lead her to run away faster and farther. Next, surround yourself with great supports–friends, family, co-workers–and build those supports up so you don’t “need” the reassurance of your wife. It will get easier the more you do it–and at first it is crazy hard. Have faith though and show your wife that you’re strong enough to give her space and let her realize what she’s missing.
Hang in there!
Lisa
Mike says
June 21, 2015 at 5:50 pmThis is Mike. I’m doing that for a month now and it’s crazy hard. I’m getting better at it. I’m not giving up on her.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
June 26, 2015 at 11:23 amMike,
I’m glad to hear it’s getting easier and you’re getting better at it. Hang in there and be proud of yourself for giving her space and not chasing. You will feel better about you and so will she.
Nice work!
Lisa
Scott says
April 11, 2016 at 11:15 amThis is some great advise!
Rebecca says
March 12, 2016 at 6:52 amYou get busy doing something with your time in a small group or club. Start getting outside more. Start getting undone things done. And pick a new community cause to support–become involved in a healthy way and let your best person live.