Our culture sends the message that yelling or raging at people is normal, powerful and even necessary. Leaders are even cheered and admired for their angry outbursts, haled as being a “man’s man” or “taking no sh*t.” Moreover, regardless of whether the rager is a state governor, a famous singer, a winning basketball coach, a spouse or a parent, the message is “don’t set them off and they won’t have to rage.” ”Setting them off” can mean upsetting them, making a mistake, being in the wrong place at the wrong time or, quite frankly, simply existing.
The idea that others “set ragers off” is not only a crazy message, it’s an incredibly toxic one that puts the onus of someone’s rage on a person other than the rager. The reality is that no one “makes” someone “go off” except the person choosing to go off.
As a result of this type of thinking, women in violent relationships blame themselves for their husband’s beating them. Employees walk on eggshells around abusive bosses desperate to not set them off. Children internalize that they are “bad” because their raging parent blames their rage on the child’s actions.
In reality, neither the wife, nor the employee nor the child has any influence on whether or not the person will rage. The idea that the only way a parent can teach a child is to intimidate the hell out of him/her, berate or shame him/her or constantly yell—is ridiculous. Children are three to five feet tall; adults are more than fifty pounds heavier. several inches to more than a foot taller. A parent’s rage isn’t about a child’s behavior–it’s about the parent’s lack of control. A spouse’s abusive behavior isn’t about their partner’s actions—the batterer will batter anyone s/he is with. An abusive boss will rage when s/he wants to rage—no matter how well those around him/her walk on eggshells.
Rage is NOT about the other person’s actions. People rage because they lack control, grew up in a home where rage was common, feel entitled to rage, have a psychiatric condition and for countless other reasons—none of which have to do with the person they are raging against.
Until we challenge our culture’s messages about violence and aggression, we are destined to continue to feed the culture of violence that is so prevalent in our society today. Below are several counter-culture messages regarding anger and aggression:
1. Don’t confuse power with aggression. True power comes from within one’s self. Aggression is moving in power over others—there is nothing admirable or powerful about being a bully.
2. No one “makes” another person rage. Ragers are 100% responsible for their anger. They rage because they do—not because others make them.
3. Walking on eggshells around ragers sends the message that their rage works. If there are no consequences to raging, the rage is unlikely to stop.
4. Raging is abusive—even if the rager never puts their hands on the other person.
5. People don’t just “get over it” after someone rages. Rage leaves a lasting impact long after the explosion has stopped.
6. Raging at children harms children and seriously damages relationships.
7. Raging is not “powerful,” normal or okay. When people rage they are unsafe, bullying and out of control. There is nothing powerful about being out of control or unsafe.
8. Raging is NOT leading, teaching or coaching—it’s out-of-control behavior under the guise of teaching others.
9. There is no justification for rage.
10. Rage isn’t sexy, courageous or helpful. It’s a toxic acting out that damages people’s spirits, marriages, work places and families.
Don’t romanticize violence. “S/he deserves it” is a lie that keeps ragers in denial.
Ragers rage because they choose to—NOT because others “make” them or set them off. Rage is a violent choice to everyday life problems. Don’t be fooled into thinking it is an okay choice.
Our culture sends crazy messages about anger and rage. It normalizes rage and even encourages it in our men, leaders, coaches and society at large. Rather than normalizing aggression in relationships, our culture should be talking about its repercussions.
Below are a few—of many—consequences of rage/aggression:
• Raging parents have children who fear for their safety—from the person who should be the safest person in their lives. These children often grow up to become ragers themselves or marry ragers.
• Raging bosses have employees who can’t stand them, don’t give their all on the job and count the days until they can leave.
• Raging spouses have partners who fear them rather than love them.
• Rage pushes people away—even as the victims stand there and take it. Slowly they get more distant, more tired and more resentful.
• As rage continues and time passes, most people leave the rager, resent the rager or lose all respect for the rager. This includes spouses, children, employees and friends.
Regarding intimate relationships in particular, songs like “Love Hurts” and “Love is a Battlefield” send ridiculous messages about love that teach us to equate love with pain. Why in the world would we want to do that? And why would we ever want to teach our children to do the same? Love should NOT hurt. And love–most certainly–should not be a battlefield. If it is, then people are choosing the wrong partners.
Challenge: Don’t confuse power with aggression. True power comes from within one’s self—NOT from domination over others. Don’t blame yourself—EVER—for another person’s rage. And don’t ever blame someone else for yours.