“Silencing to save your marriage won’t save your marriage.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
One of the most common complaints I hear from women is that they’re afraid to be honest with their spouse about conflict of any kind. They constantly walk on eggshells around their partner to avoid upsetting them. Some try convincing themselves that the best approach for a “happy” marriage is to go along to get along, while others say it’s exhausting and destroying their marriage. If you can relate, then you are not alone.
Are you in a relationship with someone who gets angry, defensive, or volatile when you attempt to discuss feelings, conflict, or requests? Do any of the sentiments below sound familiar?
• “I’m afraid to speak up.”
• “It doesn’t matter if I speak up; nothing will change.”
• “If I do say anything, it gets worse because now he’s mad, and then the kids feel his anger. It’s not worth it.”
• “Everything’s great as long as I don’t complain about anything.”
• “Speaking up never leaves me or them feeling any better. So why do it”?
• “If I try to hold my spouse accountable, s/he just spins it around on me, and then I’m apologizing for something I didn’t even do.”
• “I’m super unhappy in this relationship, but at least it’s better than being alone.”
Feeling afraid to speak to your partner makes your relationship unsafe. Your marriage should be the safest relationship in your life. Marriage should be your respite, not your straightjacket. Rather than being the person in your life you’re afraid of, your partner should be the safest person in your life—physically, sexually, emotionally— you should be the same for them. Trust, respect, and emotional intimacy are impossible when safety is not at the foundation. When your partner snaps, shuts down, blows up, or spins the blame onto you, you’re not going to be honest about your internal life (thoughts, feelings, fears, upsets, etc.). Over time, the lack of emotional connection and safety leaves you extremely resentful and unhappy.
Constantly avoiding upsetting or angering your partner is impossible without losing yourself and weakening the relationship. Healthy relationships are honest relationships. You dare to talk about what’s going on for you—the good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say—while your partner dares to do the same. When you avoid having those conversations, the fallout of that avoidance often is the end of the relationship—figuratively or literally. Regardless of whether you choose to stay or go, silencing yourself to keep your partner from getting angry results in a hollow relationship at best. Over time, the longer you tip-toe, the more angry, resentful, and unhappy you become. Resentment and anger are a terrible combination for anyone to come home to and an even worse combination for you to carry around daily.
Challenge: Walking on eggshells around your partner comes at a tremendous cost to both you and your relationship. Don’t allow your partner’s emotional fragility to become your relationship straightjacket.
