“You should be the safest person in the lives of your loved ones; without exception.” ~ LMB
Anger is a significant problem in far too many relationships. Often, in these partnerships, one person is “hot” while the other tries to “manage the heat.” Managing another person’s heat is not possible.
Anger issues show up on a continuum from harsh, snappy comments and sporadic blow-ups, to a pattern of intense and intimidating energy, to frequent incidents of rage, and—at the extreme end of the spectrum—domestic violence. Most people know domestic violence is abusive and untenable; they don’t, however, realize how destructive ALL patterns of emotional aggression and intensity are.
Anger issues, at any level of the continuum, impact trust and safety in relationships—even after the anger has dissipated. The fact that you crossed the line of emotional safety and “went there” on several occasions leaves an indelible imprint on the psyches of your loved ones.
Once you cross the threshold of having your home be a safe harbor for all, you can’t uncross it:
You can cross it less often.
You can stop crossing it.
You can’t uncross it.
Becoming emotionally or verbally unsafe leaves loved ones viscerally aware that you can “go there” anytime. This imprint does not go away after a week, month, or even several months of fewer outbursts. Although reducing your anger is excellent and necessary work, it is not enough; it is only the start.
When you exhibit a pattern of intensity and reactivity, it is crucial to know that:
- The impact of your blow-up lingers far beyond the actual outburst or incident: When you blow up, your partner and children are often internally shaken, fearful, and on high alert long after the incident has passed—even when they seemingly act as though everything is fine.
- Your thermostat regarding your anger is off: When you believe that your angry reaction is a minor, average, or inconsequential outburst—yet others tell you it is intimidating, intense, or scary—almost without exception, they are correct, and your judgment around your anger is off.
- Anger issues in a child’s home often create a legacy of anger for generations to come: I often tell my clients, “Children know what they live, and live what they know.” Children are like sponges soaking up the lessons you give them daily in your interactions. When you rage, they learn rage is what people do when angry. When you call your spouse names, they grow up believing swearing at and calling loved ones names is okay. Consequently, children grow up with anger issues or surround themselves with someone who does.
Until you can consistently show your loved ones that—no matter what—you will not cross the threshold from anger to emotional attack or intimidation, they will forever hold their breath, hoping that this time won’t be another time of you unleashing your fury.
Challenge: Pay attention to the role anger is playing in your life. If your partner has said it’s a problem in your marriage—and you care about the relationship—believe it is a problem. You should be the safest person in the lives of your loved ones; do the work necessary to become that person.
