Defensiveness is a true relationship wrecker—on the job, in the home and out in the world. It is one of those dysfunctional responses that can be extremely difficult to be around and can wreak havoc in a person’s life. So how do you know if you’re defensive? If you do any of the behaviors below on a consistent basis, chances are you struggle with defensiveness.
When others give you negative feedback or tell you they are upset about something you did, you reply by:
1. Explaining why you did what you did. Often people don’t care why you did what you did, they simply care that you did what you did. As a result, they want an apology, not an explanation.
2. Turning the tables on them. There are few things more frustrating than talking with someone about how they hurt you only to have them flip the tables on you and tell you how you often hurt them. Do NOT respond to someone’s upset with your own upset. Hear them, acknowledge their feelings, be accountable for your actions and repair what you did.
3. Dismissing them or their message. Minimizing someone’s feelings or telling them they’re too sensitive or crazy or any other out-of-line, dismissive remark is NOT going to help your relationship or your job. Rather than dismissing what they’re saying, slow down and actually try to take in what they’re saying. This is a huge part of being an emotional grown up; stop the minimizing.
4. Justifying your actions. If your actions hurt someone, acknowledge their hurt, don’t justify your actions. If you’re wrong then have the courage to own it. Don’t explain all the reasons you think it was okay that you did what you did.
5. Placing blame on someone else or some external factor. If you made a mistake, take 100% responsibility for your mistake. Don’t blame other people or outside circumstances for your actions—that makes the entire issue ten times worse, not better.
6. Acting as if you’re the wounded party. It’s absurd to respond to someone’s upset by acting as if you’re the one who was hurt. If you were that wounded then you would have spoken about your upset well before the other person speaks about theirs. It is frustrating to be on the receiving side of this classic distraction technique and it’s incredibly non-relational.
7. Getting angry about the feedback. Getting mad at someone for telling you how they feel about the way you’re treating them or about something you did, further escalates the issue. Rather than getting angry for being honest with you, start being thankful that they are giving you the opportunity to repair what you did.
8. Getting wounded by the feedback. Feedback is a gift when and if you’re courageous enough to take it in. Acting like a wounded child because someone has the courage to be honest with you is not serving you in any healthy way. Stop crying about the feedback and start being thankful for it.
9. Going on a diatribe about all the great things you do. You doing a thousand things right does not take away hurtful behavior you did. At that moment, the other person doesn’t care what you did two weeks ago or even ten minutes ago. Deal with the issue at hand and don’t talk about all the other ways you are so wonderful—that approach is really not wonderful.
10. Refusing to allow the words “I’m sorry” to depart from your lips. If you are in the wrong—COP TO IT. Healthy relationships require apologies—we are ALL imperfect. Making mistakes is a part of being human, however, hiding them, rationalizing them and spinning them around on someone else is toxic.
Defensiveness is one of the leading causes of relationship destruction. Recognize the signs and find the courage to be accountable, NOT defensive.
Challenge: The next time someone tries to talk with you about how your behavior negatively impacted them, be courageous enough to hear the message, acknowledge your behavior and repair any damage…starting with an apology and ending with a change in behavior.