NOTE: I’d love to hear from you! Does any of this post strike a chord with you? What has been your experience with defensiveness?
When your partner asks you to do something, do you tell them everything you’ve already done? Do you tell them they’re too sensitive when they tell you they don’t like the way you’re talking to them? How often do you explain your actions rather than acknowledge the impact? Do you respond to complaints by accusing the person of doing the same thing? Do you ever up the ante by actually blaming them for your actions?
If any of the above sounds familiar, then chances are you have a problem with defensiveness. Not surprisingly, many people struggle with defensiveness thinking:
- Why shouldn’t I explain why I did something?
- Why not point out all the good things I’ve done when my spouse criticizes me?
- What’s wrong with pointing out that my partner did the same thing s/he is complaining that I do?
Most people don’t know, though, that any time you respond to feedback by defending your actions (E.g., explaining, blaming, spinning the tables, denying, dismissing, etc.), you are harming connection. Over time, these responses end relationships.
Defensiveness is so damaging that it is one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen and a significant predictor of divorce (along with stonewalling, criticism, and contempt). If you use any of the other three Horsemen– on top of defensiveness—whew, relationships may be a severe struggle for you (and those around you!).
Back to defensiveness, though—so what’s the big deal? If almost everyone does it, why is it so harmful? Well, besides being frustrating as all get out, defensiveness makes solving issues nearly impossible. If you often respond to upset or criticism by defending your actions, people learn to stop coming to you with their upsets. Those unspoken issues then go underground. Over time those issues lead to resentment, distance, and a sense of hopelessness. Others around you start to believe that discussing issues with you is a waste of time and tell themselves:
- S/he will only get mad or spin it around on me, so it’s better to say nothing.
- S/he won’t change, so why bother?
- S/he is too fragile to be accountable; it’s not worth the stress.
After a sustained lack of accountability by you, people in your inner circle begin to act out the belief that “you can’t handle the truth.” Sadly, you start to view the lack of complaints as a positive sign that things are going well. Unfortunately, though, things aren’t going well. Serious issues have likely silently built up for years. Finally, your marriage/partnership is on the brink, and you have no idea why.
A lack of accountability breaks up marriages. Your frequent knee-jerk move to protect yourself rather than be accountable to your partner ultimately harms you. If you can count on one hand the number of times you genuinely owned your mistakes and repaired the damage those actions caused—without justifying, explaining, defending, etc. -then defensiveness likely was or will be a massive factor in the demise of your relationship.
I really would love to hear from you! Comment below and tell me how defensiveness is or has impacted your life.