The Differentiator Between Thriving and Struggling Relationships
“If neither the content nor the frequency of conflict destroys relationships, what does?” – Lisa Merlo-booth
The healthiest of relationships have conflict—sometimes even daily.
In fact, in the best of relationships, conflict is a pathway to greater connection, insight, and growth. You feel comfortable being honest about what’s bothering you and trust that your partner will hear you and relationally respond.
You don’t feel the need to tip-toe, water down, or sugar-coat your truth because you trust that your partner can handle their emotion and responses; you trust completely that they will be respectful and emotionally safe.
In contrast, in unhealthy relationships, conflict is a pathway to destruction not connection.
If your relationship falls into this category, then it’s likely easily thrown by even the most minor conflicts. Your partner may get quickly reactive and defend, blow up, or shut down when confronted about an upset –– no matter how calmly or thoughtfully you raise it.
Consequently, you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs. Instead, you placate, silence, or walk on eggshells around a topic or their overall emotional fragility. Over time, resentment seeps in, distance grows, and connection is minimal or lost entirely.
The difference between these two types of relationships isn’t the content or frequency of their conflict; it’s safety.
Thriving relationships are safe relationships; physically, emotionally, psychologically. Both partners honor the humanity in one another. You respect your partner and they respect you—in your words and actions.
You want to hear what is really going on for your partner—even if that means them being upset with you. And you want to repair any hurts your actions or inactions may have caused. Your partner wants to do the same. No need to walk on eggshells, pretend you’re not upset, or placate to keep your partner happy or calm.
Instead, you both work through upsets with accountability, compassion, and respect. Because you know doing so is the best way to protect your relationship.
Challenge: How many times a week do you water down your message or tip-toe around conflict so your partner won’t get angry or reactive? What would happen if instead of trying to manage your partner’s reactions, you focused on finding the courage to address conflict and upsets honestly and directly?
Note: This is not recommended If there is a history of physical violence. Seek professional help in those situations.
Take Away: Conflict isn’t what’s destroying your relationship. The absence of safety is.
