What’s really behind the conversations you keep not having?
“Can’t we all just keep things surface-level and go our own way if things don’t work out?” – Lisa Merlo-booth
Why is it easier to fire someone or end a relationship than it is to tell your best friend they hurt
your feelings, or your spouse you’re not happy, or your parent that their parenting impacted
you, etc.? Why is genuine honesty so hard?
If you’re like most people, you’d probably say something like:
- I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
- I know what their response would be and it’s not worth it.
- I’m afraid of their response (e.g., If I’m honest they will leave, get angry, blame me, dismiss me…)
All these reasons are real. But the deeper one is intimacy. Sharing what’s really going on for you
is risky. It’s vulnerable. It means you’ve put yourself on the line. And, with vulnerability comes
the risk of being let down, hurt, disappointed. What if your best friend walks away? Or your
spouse leaves? Or (fill in the blank)? When you dare to be honest, you risk others being upset.
They may get angry. They may be hurt. They may not want to hear what’s really going on for
you because that may require them to be honest as well—damn––then what happens?
…real intimacy.
…true connection.
…genuine relationships.
What many people do instead of having hard conversations is blow up, get passive-aggressive,
or simply walk away. These approaches allow you to protect your heart, not be disappointed,
and avoid looking too closely at your side of things.
They cost you: connection, emotional intimacy, and thriving relationships.
Pretending things are fine when they’re not is not being kind. Walking away from a friendship
without honest conversations is hurtful. Lying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings protects you,
not their feelings.
Challenge: You can’t have true connection without being vulnerable enough to connect. Stop
playing it safe. Have honest, compassionate conversations and see what happens.
