How to spot who someone really is, before it costs you
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.“ – Maya Angelou
Some of the most important decisions you make in life are based on character.
As such, your ability to recognize a person’s character can cost you or save you a tremendous amount of pain or hardship. Whether we’re talking about choosing your life partner, a place of employment, your friends, a mentor, a mastermind group or even a book group––if the people you’re involving yourself with aren’t genuinely good people, you will feel the hit of those choices more than you can imagine.
The good news, though, is that bad character is difficult to hide. The signs are often there. Your gut warns you. People tell you. Their history is filled with red flags. And if you miss the signs the first time, they will come around again and again. Do yourself a favor and get really skilled at recognizing “bad” character when you see it:
- They have two different personalities depending on who they’re with. If you’re in the “in” crowd with them, you’ll get the best of them. If, however, they don’t like you, are upset with you, don’t think you’re as worthy as them, etc., then the way they speak about you and/or treat you can feel like scorched earth. Be wary of people who can make some feel like they’re on top of the world and others feel like they’re the scum of the earth.
- They live their lives by the philosophy of “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Their integrity compass is driven by what people will find out about or not. The biggest guide for them in terms of what’s okay or not okay has nothing to do with how their behavior impacts others and everything to do with whether others will find out. Cheating, stealing, violence, breaking laws, are all okay—as long as they don’t get caught. Having good character is not important to them; looking like they have good character is important.
- They can be brutal towards their “enemies.” They will verbally annihilate any person or group they feel did them wrong or they don’t like. Racism, sexism, religious/political/philosophical differences are talked about in terms of right or wrong, good or evil: People on the “left” are “Libtards,” MAGA are idiots, all Christians are nuts, all gays/lesbians are (fill in the blank), and on and on. The gloves are off, and anything goes to fight against those you hate, fear, or believe aren’t as worthy.
- They believe the end justifies the means. They have few lines they won’t cross in support of their mission, goals, or beliefs. Their actions are often justified no matter how egregious they may be. Whether it’s cheating on a spouse (“He was a jerk and should’ve treated me better”) or stealing from a company (“I worked for years and they never paid me what I deserved, I deserve this money”), or stealing a colleague’s idea (“That’s business. It’s nothing personal.”) They justify their harmful actions and blame others for their choices.
- Their history is a warning sign. People with poor character often leave a wake behind them of broken relationships, shady rumors, and ill feelings. Whether it’s an ex warning off new partners, children having nothing to do with them, a big bank account with few long-time friends, accusations of abuse or violence, etc., heed the warnings and pay attention to the patterns. History, without any significant interpersonal work to change future behavior, is a key predictor of character and of the likelihood of a very bumpy, difficult future path with this person.
- They talk poorly about others: Be wary of the person who talks about their crazy ex, incompetent boss, asshole neighbor, feminist bitch sister, jerk of a husband, wannabe “friend,” etc. At the end of the day, people of character honor all of humanity. When they disagree with someone else’s actions or beliefs, they do so with respect, not hate and contempt.
- They treat people mean: Are they charming or “nice” to friends, bosses, or people with money or influence, yet barely give others the time of day? Pay attention to people who make derogatory comments about others and then laugh it off. Be wary of the person who acts cool by putting others down, making fun of them or trying to make others feel small by making themselves look special. At some point you will also be on the other side of that contempt and arrogance. Don’t be fooled by it and certainly don’t fall into the trap of feeling special because you’re in their good graces today.
Although character is easier than you may think to spot, the reality is many people can get duped. They don’t listen to their instincts. They don’t allow themselves to see what they see. And they get pulled into the show; the charisma, fun, excitement, the specialness of being “chosen.”
The biggest obstacle for missing the warning signs is you.
Your gut tells you. Their actions show you. Character shows up in those little moments—when something doesn’t sound right, the hair on the back of your neck goes up, you bristle for half a second, and then the moment passes, and you blow it off. There’s an easy explanation. It wasn’t really that hurtful, you tell yourself. But, you know. You felt it. Your denial can’t quite get rid of the residue of that feeling; that knowing.
Over time, those moments become harder to ignore—even when they’re sprinkled in between positive moments. In fact, the juxtaposition of the positive with the gut-tugging knowing becomes more annoying rather than reassuring. Listen to the knowing.
Challenge: Surrounding yourself with people of character is one of the most important life skills you need to create an amazing life. Pay attention—from the start. Honor your instincts—from the start. Notice how you and they minimize the behaviors, hurt, intensity, patterns, and many data points showing this is not a good person. Notice. Act on what your gut is telling you. Refuse to excuse. And when necessary, find the courage and character yourself to walk away.
