Why the problems you carry into marriage don’t stay behind
“If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.
Don’t pretend it’s a swan.” ~ Lisa Merlo Booth
I’ve heard clients swear things will be different once they get married, have children, change jobs, or _____ (fill in the blank).
The rationalizations usually sound like this:
“Once we get married, he’ll realize how much he loves me, and he’ll treat me better.”
“Once we have children, he’ll be home more.”
“Once we get married, she’ll know I’m committed and she’ll trust me.”
They’re so sure things will be different that they use marriage or children as the fix for problems that have been in the relationship for a very long time.
That belief could not be further from the truth.
The problems that exist before marriage or children don’t get fixed. They get compounded under the stress.
If your partner cheated throughout your dating relationship, the odds are overwhelming that they will cheat in your marriage. If your partner works all the time, barely calls, and puts you second, third, or last, they will keep working, keep being absent, and keep putting you anywhere but first after you say “I do.”
This is not to say people can’t change. But don’t be blind to what’s in front of you. If you’ve asked your partner to work on a behavior, they said they would, and they kept doing it anyway, guess what? They will keep doing it.
Marriage, children, or a move will not change a serious problem.
Change happens only when a person decides to change and then works like crazy to make it happen. Until then: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. And it will stay a duck whether you marry it or not.
Challenge: Is there a relationship issue bothering you that you’re not addressing?
Don’t minimize it. Don’t tell yourself it will magically go away once you _____ (fill in the blank).
Decide to address it directly. Make a plan. Magical thinking is not a solution, and it won’t become one.
When you address it now, you choose your future. When you don’t, your future chooses you.
