When harm is deliberate and integrity is absent
“Pretending people have integrity when they don’t does you and our world a grave disservice. Stop pretending.” ~ Lisa Merlo Booth
Experts say assume good intentions, believe people can change, and fight hard for what you want. Bosses say be a team player. Parents say listen to your teacher, coach, priest, and things will work out. In a sane world with well-meaning people, that’s good advice.
But it’s dangerously lacking when you’re not dealing with well-meaning people or systems. What if your spouse is a narcissist, your priest is a ped*phile, your boss is toxic? Not everyone is a good person making honest mistakes. Some people derive pleasure from causing harm. Others cause harm and don’t care. Sometimes entire groups lack integrity, or worse.
These people don’t play by the same rules. Pretending they do does you and our world a disservice.
Kindness, connection, and real solutions don’t drive them. Self-gratification, power, greed, entitlement, and status do. They care about themselves, not the people they hurt.
There’s a continuum, but our world seems to have forgotten the core signs:
- Criminal behavior that’s minimized, justified, or “spun” (The Cornell Seven texts)
- A repeated pattern of harm with little remorse: multiple affairs, chronic lying, harassment
- Inviting others to join in harming someone (“Knock the crap out of hecklers,” Online Rpe Academy, The Cornell Seven’s “free pssy upstairs”)
- Mocking, shaming, and name-calling to “put people in their place” (“Dumbocrats,” “she’s a fat pig”)
- Extreme rigidity around hierarchy, patriarchy, control, and misogyny
With people like this, only accountability drives change. They fear getting caught, being “seen,” and losing status or privilege. They may want to look good, but they have no drive to be good.
And they can be very convincing: the pillar of the community, the charming star athlete, the charismatic leader. When their actions don’t match their persona, we make excuses for them or blame the victims instead of questioning their character. You may find yourself doing it too.
When we can’t tell the difference between well-meaning people who cause harm and callous people who lack character, those people destroy our homes, schools, jobs, country, and world.
Assuming everyone is basically good makes the world feel safer. But there are always outliers. Refusing to see them puts you and others at greater risk.
Challenge: Take an honest look at the character of the people and systems causing harm. When it’s clear, name it, to yourself first, then to others. Not naming it keeps you in a distorted reality.
Note: Naming character issues only works if you’re accurate. When someone names an entire group as having no character, your first move is to assess, not reactively agree.
Ask: Is harm what defines this group? Or is this a label being stretched over millions of individuals? The KKK is built on hate and the Proud Boys are organized around harm. Being a man, woman, immigrant, Republican, or Democrat is not.
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