This past week between the hustle and bustle of moving, unpacking, seeing clients, changing e-mails…I have been taken aback by the number of disgruntled, stagnant couples that have shown up in my life. Have you ever seen or been a part of a disgruntled stagnant couple? If so, then you know it’s not pretty or fun.
Here are a few warning signs of disgruntled, stagnant couples:
1. The partners barely talk to one another about anything intimate and sometimes about anything at all.
2. If the partners do talk, it’s about the children, problems, work, or how angry they are with one another.
3. Typically there is one extremely unhappy partner and one partner who’s indifferent or walled off.
4. The couple has been unhappy for years yet has done little to make any real changes. The very unhappy one may have asked to do some couples work yet when their partner refused, they dropped the subject.
5. They use unhealthy ways to cope with their unhappiness such as: excessive work, a few drinks each night, prolonged computer/internet use etc.
6. Both partners are fairly miserable and feel trapped, hopeless, resigned, or just plain angry.
If you are in a relationship like this chances are you are fairly miserable. It’s likely that your home is seen as a place of stress rather than a place of refuge, and if you had your choice you’d avoid it at all costs.
What you may not realize however, is that you do have a choice. Let me say that again…YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.
Often people get caught up in a relationship whirlpool of sorts. This whirl pool is an endless turbulent spin of anger, aloofness, distance, and co-existence. Nobody remembers how to turn the damn thing off, or lower the heat, or step out. They just keep on spinning. They think constantly about how much they hate being in the damn whirl pool but they seldom stop to get out or change the settings.
If you’re in a dismally, stagnant relationship, then it’s time to stop the spin. You deserve to be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship where you treat your partner well and s/he treats you well.
Spending years of your life in a toxic relationship will…take away years of your life. If you wait until things get better, there’s a good chance you’ll drowned.
Challenge: If your relationship is toxic and you hate even coming home, do yourself and your partner a favor and stop accepting the status quo. Change your actions and stop waiting for your partner to change his/hers. If your partner refuses couples help, you go. If you’re really fed-up, then act on this. Make a move and stand behind it.
What happens when the other person is the bread winner and they wont let you work to make any money and will not help with daycare costs so you can go back to work.
I hate my life. We have 2 kids together. It’s not that easy to just pick up and leave. I would have a mortgage and all the bills to take care of on my own. I don’t think me working 2 jobs and helping my kids through a messy seperation is going to be good for anybody.
I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy things again.
Right now I am just trapped with a venomous snake who is eating my soul and ripping my heart from my chest.
I WANT OUT!!!!!!
Dear Sam: I’m so sorry you are in such a miserable situation. The first step to getting out of it is deciding that you want out. The next step is to start taking steps to make that happen (either by changing the relationship or changing the situation). Get professional help to help you create a plan to start taking proactive steps to create change. You can’t just leap without a plan so get help with that. Also, when we’re in a miserable situation we can often feel helpless and trapped. Seldom is that truly the case. Be careful you’re not depressed or don’t get depressed and every time you tell yourself your trapped challenge that thought. Ask yourself what’s one thing you can do that you’re not doing.
NOTE TO OTHER READERS: Has anyone been in this same situation and was able to get themselves out of it? If so, how?
Thanks-Lisa
HI Sam,
Im where u r and I know the unsaid issues as well… but I decided none of those people have to live in my shoes…. Its about me and my kids, at this point I cant make him the person he was, and things will never be OK the way they are. I swollowed my pride & went to an agency which provided those crucial support services( childcare, move in money, gas cards ,safeway cards that I need to begin again fresh, sure I was embarrased… but Id rather be embarassed for a spell than abused till eternity.
We met when I was 13 and my husband 15. He was my life. My kids are almost adults now which I’ve always been there for them all. My husband as always had jobs where he works away. But over the last few years it seemed to get worse when he’s at home he constantly lives upstairs on the computer or football or at the pub. We never talk, never look at each-other, never smile at each-other and go anywhere together. I feel a have no quality of life. He is the bread winner always working abroad. I totally seem alone….just sometimes I could do with a little emotional support with a cuddle every now and again. Perhaps I’m asking for too much??
Dear Kerri: I’d say you’re not asking for enough. Where did you learn to accept to little? If you’re stuck because your husband makes the money–start looking for a job. When you are not feeling so trapped, talk to your husband about your unhappiness and tell him what you want. The more you settle for crumbs, the more that is all you will get. Learn to stand up for yourself and believe that you deserve to be treated well.
I suggest you take the time to invest in you. Get into therapy, take my teleclass for women, get a stronger support network…just don’t settle.
Warm regards-Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I am 33 and my boyfriend lives in my house. We have been together 18 months and we have lived together all that time as he was staying with me as a friend.
He lies. Not “cheating” but lies constantly about everything. I opened his credit card statement and looked at it and sure enough, 4 times in the past month, he has gone for a beer after work but I have emails that tell me he is working late. Not just “I’m working late” but “I have to get this one slide finished on the powerpoint before I can leave” type lies.
I also saw that he had spent $550 on a new golf driver and had the afternoon off to go to the driving range without telling me.
Is this acceptable? I never lie but I know that my honesty is often scary to people so I know it isn’t commonplace. I don’t know what to do.
Confused.
R
Dear Jemima: No his lies are not okay or acceptable. Whenever someone lies it breaks the trust in the relationship. My recommendation is that you speak to him sincerely about the impact of his lying on your relationship. Start thinking about what limits you’re willing to set around it and what the consequence may be if it continues. Remember to follow through with whatever it is you say you will do…or don’t say it.
Take Care-Lisa
I feel like I have a hard time knowing how much to put up with and let go of versus leaving or trying to negotiate to change. And then, I’m not really good at negotiation. I tend to think that people generally are who they are, and even if you offer them something wonderful to become better partners, and even if they genuinely want to be better partners, that they’re probably not going to live up to it. so the upshot is that I end up feeling resentful and stuck. As the first example in my head, I had a non-fight with my brother (married, with 2 kids) over his flaking out on my birthday dinner. I don’t think he meant it personally, and I didn’t let it ruin my day, but I got in trouble with the family because I didn’t give him a do-over. Really? My point is, the flakiness is just who he is, and I work around it and I accept him; I don’t love it, but I can choose not to be miserable about it. Obviously I’m not going to break up with my brother, but romantic relationships are only a step away – there’s a finite universe of potential partners, none of them are perfect, and even if there’s someone better out there, the game of musical chairs gets old.
Hi there.
I hope your still postng replies to this site, im in desperate need of help.
My boyfriend and i have been together a year next month, we live together.. I moved an hour away from my parents to be with him.
We’re both singers and we work together, no day job, well the singing is the day job, so we’re together 24/7.
Anyways, I seem to have become really unhappy in the last couple of months. And i fear it’s because i am finding out who he really is. He has messaged his old girlfriend with messages saying he doesn’t love me, puts the word “dirty” on a photo of 4 girls together, tells me he thinks bitches sitting in front of us are hot and “would you do them?”. He would look at EVERY woman that walked past and ive made his life hell so he had no choice to change that.. Im angry at hm because he couldn’t see how much all this hurts and changed for me, he changed cause we fight everytime somethign like that happens. I’m 20. he’s 11 years older than me, and to be honest i’m out of his league. My self esteem has plummeted and i’m just feeling like some housewife that’s just meant to do the dishes every night and be a good little girl.
I’ve stopped myself from writing something like this for months because i’m afraid of what your solution will be.
I get men coming on to me all the time and i couldn’t be any less ineterested. he says he’s not, he just ineterested in the world but he’s made me a nervous wreck whenever we go out in public, I’m starting to really hate him.
Please help.
I am in a similar situation. I’m nearly 64 so am not in the first flush of youth which makes things harder. I have been with my partner for over 10 years and we retired 18 months ago. Things were bearable when I worked as we didn’t spend all our time together but now its awful. He alternates between shouty angry and silent and sulky and constantly says I annoy him. Well, he annoys me too. He is only nice to me when he wants to get physical and thats the last thing I want. He expects me to do so much for him especially since he had a knee op earlier this year.
When we retired initially things were OK and I wanted us to get married. He flatly refused although he has been married twice before, one divorce wife and one who died 15 years ago. This hurt me very much so I guess I feel a lot of resentment and this has festered…he will absolutely not discuss it. I am a strong person and will not be cowed by all this but feel my future holds nothing. Just don’t know where to go from here).