A common misconception about anger is: anger’s always bad. It’s important to realize that anger in itself is a healthy emotion. It’s not good, bad, or otherwise, it just is. What gives anger a bad wrap however, is how it often gets expressed.
Like many other things in life, anger needs an outlet…and a container. Anger without an outlet remains unspoken and unspoken anger often turns into resentment. Anger without a container often becomes abuse and leads to relationship, emotional, career, and at times, even legal problems. Neither outcome is very positive and both the lack of expression and the over expression of anger has serious repercussions in relationships.
One problem, as I see it, is too many people have no idea what healthy anger looks like—so let me help. A healthy expression of anger is firm (a strong tone of voice yet not yelling or contemptuous), respectful (spoken using “I” statements, no swearing, name calling, or shaming), and clear (there is a targeted issue/problem that is the focus of the anger rather than an unending barrage of words and events that occurred years ago).
An example of healthy anger may sound like: “I’m very angry at how you spoke to our son. It is not okay with me for you to call him stupid or any other name for that matter. If that happens again, I will step in and remove him from your presence.”
An unhealthy expression of this same issue may sound like: “You are a son of a b*tch!! Who the hell do you think you are speaking to our son like that?! I’ll divorce you in a minute if you ever do that again!”
Healthy expressions of anger do not include any emotional or physical threats of any kind. Throwing things, slamming doors, standing over someone to intimidate, swearing, pushing, shoving, name calling, slamming a fist on a table, grabbing, threatening to take the money, kids, house etc., are ALL unhealthy expressions of anger—under all but life threatening circumstances (I.e., an intruder, gun to your head, fist in your face etc.).
Anger is a healthy emotion. It’s our responsibility to express in healthy ways. Not expressing it in an effort to avoid conflict is not healthy and nor does it resolve conflict. Non-expression simply leaves the potential conflict to fester which shakes the very foundation of relationships. Expressing it irresponsibly leads to an unsafe environment for the entire family; obviously this also shakes the very foundation of the family.
Challenge: Use healthy boundaries (see past post) when expressing anger. Commit to living a non-violent life in your home and in your relationships. If this is a struggle for you—seek help.
You are right — anger is just another emotion, and bottled up creates problems that may explode when you’re least able to express it in a nonviolent way.
How you say it (as you say, using “I” words), when you say it and avoiding attaching personal attacks to it — in other words, just keeping to issue of why you’re angry — is not bad.
Conflict/anger is part of the human condition; the task is being kind, loving, respectful and nonjudgmental about it.
Lisa, that’s great advice. I’ve implemented these techniques ever since I learned personal development lessons some time ago, and it is great to see that you’re doing this so that other people could know how to manage their anger as well.
My partner gets very angry and emotionally abusive and has become physically abusive as well,when we have an argument. Usually the disagreement is so minor to me that I can’t remember what it was over later on. I can just say something and it will set her off. I have talked with her about this after she cools off, telling her that she should treat me more respectfully and in the same way she would like to be treated, etc. and sometimes she will be better for a few days but then reverts back to the screaming and personal attacks while bringing up past incidents where she feels wronged. Nearly always she will invoke feminism and accuse me of being sexist and then threaten to end our relationship if I don’t stop being sexist. Just for the record, I am sexist at times but am really trying to change through reading feminist articles and books. She has been a feminist for over 40 years starting when she was 15 as a result of a very abusive father. I really need help with how to deal with her rage. The posts and advice here seem good but I don’t get the chance to get a word in edgewise when she is mad which can be followed by days of silence sometimes. Lately the ultimatums really make me feel abused and take me days to get over the hurt. We never compromise, it is her way or the highway and she has never expressed remorse over the personal attacks or said that she was sorry that she hurt me because she said something in the heat of the moment and regrets it after cooling off. She has apologized on rare occasions. This latest fight was over me asking if what she was doing was a “feminist thing” and now she has said that she will tell all our friends who are feminist that I am a sexist pig. I am having a really difficult time coping with her vindictiveness and am feeling lost.
LISA’S REPLY: Dear Scotty, it sounds like you’re doing a good job letting your partner know what’s not working for you. The part that’s missing however is you backing that up with actions. It’s not okay for her to be either emotionally or physically abusive to you for any reason. Feminism does not mean abuse, rage, yelling, screaming or being hurtful in any way. You’ve probably seen me write a thousand times that you deserve to be treated well…AND…YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AT ALL TIMES, BY ALL PEOPLE…especially by those closest to you. You cannot control her rage and abuse however you can control whether you stand there and take it.
The first place I would start is by setting a limit on her verbal and physical abuse. Let her know that the abuse is not okay with you any more and that from now on every time she is being verbally abusive you will tell her to stop. If she does not stop you will be ending the conversation and leaving the room. If she is ever physically violent towards you then you will leave the house. (Note: If you feel scared for your physical safety you will call the police). The next step after you have this conversation with her is…to follow your words up with your actions. Every time she is abusive tell her to STOP and then end the conversation and leave the room. If she follows you, leave the house. Start with the abuse first and then you move from there. Remember to stay respectful on your end throughout and accept nothing less on hers.
Take care-Lisa
Thank you Lisa, I will do as you say. I know I have been rewarding her behavior by pleading and giving her attention when she gets mad. It is very difficult for me to to have her mad at me for hours or all day. I think 20 minutes and it is time to hug and move on but that is not how she operates. We are finally talking now after this fight from last night and she has calmly explained why she was hurt by my comment. So that is a start I hope.
What is your advice about an argument that won’t end? I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have had the same argument over friends that he has that are not good people and that I don’t like and they don’t like me for TEN years!! Last night was the last straw for me. They are visiting on Sunday because we live 2 hours away now and I was talking about being uncomfortable with them coming to our house and then a couple instances came up from the past. A couple years ago I was going to give them another chance since we are all 5 years older and go to a concert with them, but one of his friends refused to go if I came so that was it for me. I decided I am not going to waste my time trying to be friendly with people who have no interest in being friendly to me. My husband blames me for the whole thing which I find completely ridiculous because it takes two. I don’t normally get really angry but I was really angry last night and I still feel very angry this morning. I am tired of this 10 year fight. Otherwise our relationship is okay but I never feel like he has my back and I’m tired of it.
DEAR LORI: I would talk to your husband about you feeling like he does not have your back. In that discussion I would tell him you’re tired of this 10 year fight and would like for both of you to shift your position for a bit. Let him know what you’re willing to do on your end (perhaps be less critical of his friends and respectful when around them). Tell him you would like him to have your back when they are around or in conversation with him. The way he would show this is to stand up for you if they put you down, talk disrespectfully to you or are rude in any way.
If your husband refuses to stand up for you in front of them, I would not have them stay at the house. If your husband refuses to support that, I would go away for the weekend with people who will cherish you.
(Note: it’s also important that you look at your roll in this. If you were off in any way, then take the high road and apologize for your actions (not with the expectation that they should apologize for theirs).
Good luck!
Lisa
Thank you so much for answering my post. I like the idea of saying what I will offer to do before I tell him what I expect of him.
LORI: You’re very welcome:-)
Lisa