Parenting, I believe, is one of THE most difficult jobs in the world. No two children are the same, seldom does the same approach work well every time, and if you’re not healthy, then you can’t raise healthy children.
I’m finding parenting to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. Let me tell you why and perhaps you can relate…
1. I have a very unhealthy need to be perfect (Yes, I’m working on this…ad nauseum, I might add), and parenting is anything but perfect. I have to watch my tone, my words, what I feed them, what I allow them to watch, remember to have them brush their teeth before bed and before school, remember to use logical consequences not punitive ones, and on and on. It’s hard enough for me to feed myself healthily let alone do this on top of taking care of two impressionable, vulnerable, highly influential children.
2. Any issues I have not healed within myself get played out through them. If I struggle with issues of self-esteem, I see them struggle with the same thing—ugh! If I struggle with rage, so will they, and if I struggle with setting limits, chances are they will too. If I eat unhealthily, I, of course, teach them to do the same.
3. There are no “right” answers. For every tip, answer, or sure-fire solution to a specific problem, there is an opposite tip, answer, or sure-fire solution that goes against the first. One group says don’t spank, another says “spare the rod, spoil the child” (which is not my belief, by the way). One specialist says have dessert be a part of the meal, not a treat, and another one says no dessert unless you eat your food.
The power of the peer group and our culture is so humongous that at times, it feels beyond me. I teach my children that children can have feelings; use their words; play with dolls or trucks regardless of their gender; stand up for themselves in strong, respectful ways; and be honest about what’s going on for them.
Our culture, in contrast, teaches them that boys don’t cry, girls need to be nice, children should not question authority—even if that authority is being disrespectful, and there are defiantly gender-specific toys. In fact, McDonald’s asks my children if they would like a “boy” toy or a “girl” toy every time we order a happy meal. When I ask what the actual toys are, they respond by asking me whether my child is a boy or a girl. My response is, “I could tell you the genders of my children; however, that will not help you or me to choose the toy they would like.”
The list is endless and the struggles many, so let me tell you what I’ve come up with.
My basic Do’s and Don’ts include:
DO’s:
1. Love your children unconditionally.
2. Trust your gut.
3. Set healthy limits and follow through.
4. Provide guidance, limits, and nurturing.
5. Do your own work (personal growth) so your children won’t have to.
6. Learn to say you’re sorry, say it, and mean it.
7. Tell your children you love them daily. Give them hugs and always respect their boundaries.
8. Treat your children with respect because they are human beings and deserve it.
9. Spend quality, fun time with your children often. This shows children that they are valuable and worthy. It will help them build healthy self-esteem.
DON’TS:
1. Do not call your children names at any time, neither in anger nor in jest.
2. Do not shame your children. Provide limits, hold them accountable, teach them to repair, and then move on.
3. Do not harm your children in any way. Do not verbally or physically attack them no matter what they do—it is never okay.
4. Do not threaten your children in any way.
Challenge: Take a parenting inventory and take note of what you know and what you need to work on. Commit to focus on one thing that will help you feel better as a parent and will help your children feel fortunate to have you as a parent.
