Repeatedly reminding your partner of what they did in the past that was hurtful, especially when they are no longer doing it, is holding a grudge – a detrimental move at best. Bringing the past into the present is seldom a helpful dynamic in relationships; it stirs up old wounds, leads to one partner believing they will never live “it” down and creates distance and resentment within a couple. While it is okay to remember, learn from and look at the past, it is not okay to dwell in it or continually throw it in your partner’s face. Would you like to have someone constantly reminding you of the time you screwed up? I’m guessing you wouldn’t – and neither does your partner.
If you are either always looking at the past, or always ignoring the past, you are robbing yourself of a rewarding future. Look at the past to learn from it, not to punish. Look at the present to insure the past is not repeating itself and to insure you are both on the right path for creating a healthier future. If your partner has stopped doing the behavior – then stop reminding them of it; tell them you appreciate the work they have done to change it and do what you have to let it go.
Challenge: Is there something you continue to bring up from the past? If so, ask yourself if that behavior is still going on and if so, is it the same or has your partner been working on it with positive changes? If it is not going on, commit to not bringing it up anymore – put it to rest for the sake of you, your partner and your relationship.
great advice! i never really thought of thinking of it in that way thanks!
That is a much easier and smarter way of living life, I need to try it more ofter, Thanks.
That is a much easier and smarter way of living life, I need to try it more ofter, Thanks.
I can’t tell the difference between holding a grudge and the recurent feelings of betrayal that are triggered when my bf does something that reminds me of the past. He has not repeated the behavior in about a year but I still am reminded of the bad gut feelings from time to time at which times I tell him what he has done that trigger my bad feelings. Specifically – after a year of what I thought was solid, exclusive dating, I discovered he had thrown some bait to his last gf, but only in an email, no actual follow through. I was stunned and confronted him with my sense of betrayal. He has not contacted her since then but whenever he talks to a past female friend, I feel threatened and I tell him so. I never felt this way with any other relationship. Part of the problem is he bends the truth in most areas of his life which leaves me uncertain of the truth in general.
Wish I had that healthy relationship that looked at the present and the future a few years ago,looking back now no good can come from someone who can only live in the past with a grudge, the toxic behavior is the detrimental trigger and beyond anything healthy. I know now what a healthy, non toxic, non judgemental relationship means and and grateful for not being in an abusive relationship.