“It’s impossible to have emotional intimacy with someone who is unsafe to be honest with.” ~LMB
Expressing anger safely is healthy. In fact, anger can be a potent motivator for powerful change, growth, and even connection. However, the key differentiator between healthy anger and toxic anger is safety. Volatile anger is reactive, intense, and frequent—unpredictable in when it will strike, yet highly predictable in that it will. Volatile anger is a pattern of reactivity that flares up across a wide array of incidents, from seemingly minor issues to significant ones. Consequently, this type of anger often leaves others walking on eggshells, in an attempt to not “set the person off.”
When your anger is emotionally, physically, sexually, or psychologically harmful to others, you have crossed the line from healthy anger to toxic anger. Expressing anger in ways that intimidate, shame, threaten, harm, or frighten others is harmful—even when that anger is not or will not become physical.
Examples of harmful anger include:
- Yelling, snapping,
- Name-calling, mocking, shaming
- Blow-ups, Raging
- Throwing objects, punching walls, slamming your fist down
- Stewing with anger and intensity—even if you don’t “explode”
- Controlling, bullying, intimidating
The number one most important ingredient for any healthy relationship—in homes, businesses, or the world—is uncompromising safety. Physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological safety is the foundation upon which all healthy systems rest. When you live with a person who is volatile, that safety is not present. Without safety, you don’t have trust; without trust, you can’t have genuine connection, and without connection, you can’t have emotional intimacy.
In a world where it seems that “everyone” blows up, it can be confusing to hear that blow-ups are toxic in relationships. It’s important to note that there’s a difference between getting reactive on a rare occasion versus a pattern of volatility. The out-of-character temper tantrum can be repaired and worked through; a pattern of reactivity and intensity is detrimental to relationships, families, teams, and cultures. Volatile anger is a pattern that requires treatment, not forgiveness; limits, not acceptance.
It’s impossible to have emotional intimacy with someone you can’t be honest with, and you can’t be honest with someone who becomes unpredictably reactive and volatile—it’s unsafe; they’re dangerous. Instead, you create a pseudo relationship held in place by the vigilant monitoring of their moods and constant policing of your words, requests, and upsets. Inevitably, your relationship becomes a constant juggling act of walking on eggshells, silencing, and hyper-vigilance. Over time, resentment builds and becomes nearly impossible to suppress when healthy resolution, collaboration, and accountability are unattainable.
Every human being deserves to be safe in their relationships. Your significant other should be the safest person in your life—not the person you most fear. Tip-toeing around a loved one’s anger is harmful to you, them, and the relationship. Learn to recognize the toxic pattern of volatility and the harm it does to everyone involved.
Volatile anger is a relationship killer, a job killer, and a culture killer. This behavior does not go away without outside help, a demand for it to change, and courageous accountability.
Challenge: If you’re walking on eggshells around someone, know you’re not alone. Get the help you need to stop shrinking yourself to avoid their blow-ups. You deserve to be valued and safe in your relationships.
