I received a comment on my post titled “Abusive Relationships” and thought it might be helpful for people who might be involved in an abusive relationship to read. So here’s the comment and below is my response.
Anonymous wrote: I’m in an abusive relationship and every time I try to get out I always end up going back because something in my head tells me that I need him and that I love him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make myself stop loving him. I don’t even know why I love him. He physically and mentally abuses me almost every day but still I can’t find it in my heart to stop loving this dude. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t even help myself so there’s no way any one else can and I don’t believe that I have a role in what’s taking place.
LISA’S REPLY: Let me start by saying you are not alone. There are many women who find themselves in a very similar situation as you. They continue to return to the abusive perpetrator again and again and struggle to figure out why. Thank you for sharing your story; I’m hopeful that it will help others in their journey.
You state that you can’t make yourself stop loving him; I question if you really love him or if you are love-addicted to him. Love-addiction is not love; it is an unhealthy dependency that works very much the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. You are fine as long as he’s in your life and you have your fix; however, if you don’t have that drug then you are in a crash. If this sounds at all familiar to you I suggest you read Pia Mellody’s book Facing Love Addiction.
Regardless of whether you love him or not, you do have control over whether you allow yourself to be abused by him. The only one who can protect yourself is you. You have no control over your boyfriend; however, you have total control of yourself. You decide if you stay, go, or plead for him to stop (which he won’t do, by the way, just because you plead). You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be loved, not beaten, and you are the only one who can enforce this right and stand up for yourself.
Where you get stuck, I’m assuming, is that you believe if you take a stand against the abuse that you will lose him. The truth is–you may. What you don’t realize, however, is when you allow your fear to stop you from protecting yourself, you are putting yourself in further danger. Chances are slim to none that he will stop abusing you without significant consequences–either by you–or by outside systems (i.e., police, job, friends). Every time you go back to him after he beats you, you teach him that it’s okay.
You also teach yourself that you are not worthy of protection. This is a lie–you are absolutely worthy of protection and I’m sorry no one ever taught this to you.
I also want you to know that in my experience, the perpetrator of abuse will abuse anyone he is with–you just happen to be the one who put yourself in his path. Nine times out of ten, abusers have been abusive in their previous relationships and will continue to be abusive in their future relationships if they don’t seek help. His abuse is often not about you–other than the fact that you allow it by staying.
If you are in an abusive situation, realize this will be a part of your life for as long as you allow it to be a part of your life. It will not magically go away and your partner is highly unlikely to wake up and decide to stop–without some key reason to do so (outside consequences).
If you choose to actively change this situation, please do so with help. Women are often at greatest risk when they leave the relationship. Get in touch with a therapist or program who specializes in abusive relationships (domestic violence).
Remember that you deserve to be treated well, especially by loved ones. This treatment will start with how you treat yourself.
Best of luck,
Lisa
P.S.: Here are some numbers for you to try.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Women’s Protective Services: (800) 593-1125
Respect (program for batterers): (508) 852-6596
Hello, Your site is great. Regards, Valintino Guxxi
I too, had been in an abusive relationship. The abuser was a cheater, a drug addict and an alcohol abuser. This continued for 3 years.
I was tired of the abuses but was afraid to leave him. He would always apologize for abusing me but would later do it again. I finally decided that I deserved better than that, and left him for good, and stayed with a relative until I could get my life back together again.
Unfortunately, the relative, knowing full well how dangerous his violence was to women, took me back to the abuser instead of protecting me, knowing full well that the abuse would start again, and it did. This time it almost cost me my life.
First, she told me to tell the abuser on the phone that I was returning to him. I stubbornly refused to do so, but she forced me to do it. And because the relative had previously been in an abusive relationship herself, and worked as a nurse in the ER where she has seen many domestic violence cases, one would think she would have taken steps to protect me from him, sent me to someone else who would protect me, or at the very least refused to divulge my whereabouts to him when he called her looking for me. But she did the opposite of each of the above.
Sure enough, after I returned, my ex had beaten me, strangled me, cursed me, ripped out my hair from head, and he took out a large, notch-serrated knife. I thought for sure he was going to kill me, because he threatened just that. Luckily I ran out, called my new boyfriend, told him what happened, and he told me to go right to the police and file an order of protection. Then I immediately went back to the relative (no place else to go), told her what happened, and I went to the police to file the report and get the order.
Problem was, she refused to cooperate with the police, or comply with the protocol for serving the restraining order, because she hated the police. Serving a restraining order with a police escort was proper protocol. I was very afraid for my life, and I needed to get it done, but she refused to have any police involved at all. So she called the abuser, told him I was staying with her, I had a restraining order against him (before it could be served on him), and told him to come pick up the order at her place where I was staying! I had to leave there immediately until I was sure he left.
Then after the judge ordered him to cease and desist all contact with me under threat of arrest and prison time, and I started living peacefully in the relative’s house, the relative made me get on the phone with him and speak with him again (a violation of the order) which I again refused to do, but she was implacable. She insisted her way of handling things was better (it was not). She told me to tell him I forgave him, and would like to continue contact with him. (I never did either of those things.)
This was outrageous to me, and after she hung up, I questioned her “why do that?” Even her highly intelligent 10-year-old daughter told me she knew this was a violation of the order – she knew the law better than her own mother! I already had a new boyfriend, and had no need for the abuser ever again, so why continue contact? She said I could have both boyfriends by playing one up against the other, i.e. the good boyfriend for the romance and good times, and the abuser for financial amd material support. I never did that, either – this did not sit well with me at all, and would not sit well with my new boyfriend. I worked, paid off my debts, broke up with the boyfriend, avoided the ex like the plague – even when he harrassed me at home and my job, I hung up immediately – met my husband, and now we are starting a family. I hope I get pregnant very soon.
Ladies – and guys, because men get abused too – please, for your lives, if you are being abused, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Call the police, get a restraining order, and if your friends and family will not help you, find someone who will help you. Call the emergency numbers Lisa posted above. Your life is too precious to let someone endanger it or take it away from you. Especially if you have children, for they are at risk as well. Then you can move on to a free life without fear or danger. Fear no abuser – the law is on your side as it was on mine.
Lisa’s Reply: I’m glad to hear you are out of the abusive relationship once and for all. It’s great to hear that you figured out that your relative couldn’t “make you” do anything. Nice job not giving in to her the second time.
Sometimes the biggest step we have to take is getting out of our own way.
In the past I’ve gotten into trouble with the law due to me caring about this man and not knowing that I was doing any thing wrong at the time. I allowed this man to get me hooked on drugs for 3yrs of my life but now I am trying to take control of my life but struggling to do so. I’m currently going to Thresholds inc.for help ,cda group and counseling at f.h. everett. He does not like me going to these places and says they are brainwashing me. I’m even going through parenting classes to learn different behaviors so I can bring my children up in a healthy way instead of abusive ways. I’m unsure weather to keep trying to make a relationship work that hasn’t been working at all. There are children involved here who see no wrong in the way their father treats me. I feel like I give, give and give and all he does is take, take and take.
LISA’S REPLY: Often partners feel threatened when thier spouse goes into therapy and starts to get healthier. This is largely due to them not wanting thier partner to get healthier because that means things will have to change.
You are doing the best thing you can do..work on yourself first so you can become strong enough to stand up for yourself. My philosophy is “Changing Me, Changes We”. When you change yourself, it forces changes in the entire system.
Your children see nothing wrong with how thier father treats you because that is all they know. The longer they watch thier father treat you poorly, the more they learn to treat you poorly. They also learn a model for relationships that says men treating thier wives poorly is normal and okay. Until you stand up to this treatment, they will continue to see it as okay. They are likely to later model it in their own relationships.
Get stronger, healthier, and centered, around the belief that it’s a priveledge to be in your inner circle and only people who treat you well are allowed to enter and remain in your inner circle.
Get strong and stop taking poor treatment. Be clear with your husband that if chooses to change and be more cherishing, you would love to have him in your life; however if he chooses not to change, you will be sad and you will have to end this relationship for your sake and the sake of your children.
Take care-Lisa
I currently am in a relationship with a man who always makes me feel like I’m a nobody. He constantly belittles me, curses at me and even threatens to take our son away from me if we split up. He is a beer drinker and has been using
I am currently in an abusive relationship. I can relate to this I dont know why I love him, but I do comment. He has worked hardly any in the 7 years that we have been together, he has 6 children other than the 4 that we have together. And those six are with 4 different women. He has been rude and disrespectful to me throughout the relationship. When I was pregnant with my first child the physical abuse started.
It was just a shove then, something I can say “just” about in regards to abuse…who knew I would ever feel that way.
So as we progress in our relationship, I find that he is addicted to drugs. This leads to further emotional and physical abuse. My first mother’s day as a mom, he held my baby as he beat me up, the abuse was continuous, until I grabbed a knife, which I was too scared to use. He then took that from me, held me to the floor with it to my neck and advised me to not bring out a weapon unless I was going to use it. The neighbors called the police, which in turn was my fault because I was yelling too loud, I should have kept my mouth shut. He was arrested, and I visited him in jail, and when I showed up with two black eyes, he wanted to know “who did that to you?”…does he really not remember any of this? But all I could do was be upset that I had lost this person that meant so much to me. If I … was the only thing I could think of. Of course we got back together, and this pattern of abuse has only continued. Just as the other reader admitted, I turned to drugs too thinking that if I can’t beat him, might as well join him. I now have 4 children, all under the age of 6 with this man, and they all adore him…for the most part. But they have continuously witnessed mom beat down to the floor. I don’t fight back. I do try and run away, but to no avail. I try to stay calm and stay away from issues that are generally triggers for anger, but I am not always so good at it. I tend to be a little melancholy everytime I find calls from or to his “girl” friends, or when I stumble upon the latest response to his online personals ad that he has posted. I work all day every day every week, and he cannot keep a job for longer than a month, then goes 3 without. I paid his fines and court costs, lawyer fees, tickets, EVERYTHING. I get up and take kids to daycare so he does not have to deal with them during the day. I have made life for him as easy as can be, but still it is not enough. I admit he does clean the house and will help with kids when we get home, and he cooks. And of course as with everyone, there are good times. Really, really good times which are the things I love him for. We both went through a rehabilitation for addicts, and when we got out, tried again once again, things went bad. I moved away got my life in order found out I was having my 4th baby. This fear of going to the hospital and having a baby by myself was so horrible that I did allow him back into my life. She is now 18 months old. He did have to go to jail for the things he has done for 6 months of her life, and as usual im bailing him out for beating me. So here we are, celebrating our 7 year anniversary in a month, and I am sitting at work with cigarette burns on my face and neck, stranglation marks across my neck and big goose egg bruises on my arm and neck. He just called saying that his son who left back home, b/c he did not want to be here any longer due to our fighting has blown things out of proportion. I am back to thinking, does he really not remember choking me out…or burning me with the cigarette? Maybe not. But it does not matter if he did or did not. I know that I cannot stay in a relationship that I am being hurt in. The first shove that I would long for now, has turned into severe beatings that have my children screaming for fear of losing their mother in extreme terror, and I don’t know how to stop this. From what I have learned in regards to quitting an abusive relationship, the only way is for me and my children to leave. This means-the property, furniture, all the stuff I have worked so hard to provide to my kids is just left to this man who does not deserve it. Getting a restraining order but staying where he can get to me, is not an option. What until the next time it happens and hope the police come? Then I will have alone time while he is in jail? I know that “things” are just things, but we were down to literally nothing when I moved away. Everything had been sold or ruined, or left in a move to avoid paying rent…I worked hard for what I have and for what the kids have, and I want an option besides leaving all we have, why do we have to continue to suffer? I can see a change in my attitude and i know he can too. Before I was so upset that he would do this and would do anything to let him know I am here, and I love him, blah blah blah. But now, I have asked him to leave numerous times, and this leads to me getting hurt and he will refuse to leave. So, I need help to get through this final step. Thank you for your advice and listening to me.
DEAR SHASTA: Call Women’s Protective Services. You will need help not only to leave but to work on your own issues that led you to stay for so long. You will also need help with addressing the impact of all this violence on your children.
Everytime you allowed your partner back into the home, you gave your partner the message that what he was doing was okay…you also gave this message to your children.
You know in your gut that this relationship is bad, that you deserve better, and your children deserve better; the problem is you allow your fear to stop you from making the healthiest decision of your life. Call one of the numbers below and get help to get out. You are costing you and your children your futures. Your children deserve to be protected and they are too young to protect themselves. It’s your job to do that. If you don’t, you are creating another generation of violence. Don’t let your fear stop you from doing the best thing for you and your family. Your husband’s counting on your fear to keep you down. You need to get the help you need so you can safely get out and stay out. CALL NOW.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Women’s Protective Services: (800) 593-1125
Respect (program for batterers): (508) 852-6596