“Protecting others from the impact of their bad behavior is collusion. Don’t collude.” Lisa Merlo-Booth
At a family dinner party, Sally responded to something her uncle stated by saying, “That’s interesting, I don’t think of it like that,” and before she could explain, her uncle turned red in the face and exploded: “Shut up! I didn’t ask for your opinion!” Sally was visibly shaken and quickly apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Her uncle snapped back, “Well you did, now shut up like I told you to.” Sally did as she was told. A few minutes later she got up from the table to take a moment to herself. Later, three family members came up to her to see how she was doing and to let her know “that’s just him, don’t take it personally.” No one questioned why a grown man couldn’t manage his emotions. No one asked why Sally was taking responsibility for her uncle’s behavior. The conversation moved on to dessert, and everyone acted like nothing happened––just another moment, unremarkable, normalized, invisible. This everyday moment reveals what my close mentor Terry Real calls the “Collusion of silence”—a pattern so embedded in our culture we barely notice it’s there.
This collusion takes place under the hubris of psychological patriarchy, that ingrains in our very bones the belief that those inhabiting “feminine” qualities (and by extension females) are held in disdain while those inhabiting the masculine qualities (and by extension males) are exalted.
This antiquated paradigm demands that whoever is on the bottom side of this equation is bound by a duty to protect those “above” them. Think of the saying, “Don’t speak truth to power.” It is understood that those in power need protection because there is a deep emotional fragility within them that precludes them from being able to be called out–without falling apart, blowing up and getting violent, or retaliating. In marriages this might look like rage, or threatening to leave the marriage, or collapsing and threatening to self-harm.
The collusion of silence is the glue that holds the patriarchal machine in place. It is a brilliant, powerful system of protection that demands that those deemed less valuable protect those seen as more valuable. This could be wife to husband, employee to boss, child to parent and so on. On an utterly disturbing level, you are pulled to protect those in the exalted position—even when you are being harmed by them.
The pull to stay silent to harmful behavior happens every day on every level.
In families, we see this constantly: blaming yourself for your spouse’s outbursts (“I hate that I always make him mad. I wish I could just do better”), not demanding your partner get into therapy to manage their anger because he’ll feel weak or embarrassed, making excuses for your children’s father’s absence (“I know it’s hard that dad works so much but he works so hard so he can provide for you”), or explaining away your husband’s rage (“My husband is a good guy—he had a tough childhood and sometimes doesn’t realize how his words come across”).
With sexual assault, rape, and trafficking, the collusion becomes even more disturbing: “He’s a star swimmer/quarterback/professional athlete–you’re going to ruin his future.” “I shouldn’t have gone to his hotel room.” Actor Ben Vereen, defending Bill Cosby after multiple allegations in 2015: “Pray for Bill Cosby. Pray for the ones who are scandalizing him, more so. I love the man. I support you, Bill. We’re praying for you. … Aren’t there more important things to talk about in this world?”
Whew, this aspect of Psychological Patriarchy lights a torch to violence–encouraging it, excusing, justifying, denying, defending, and ultimately leaving a world complicit in violence and harm everywhere. Women protect men. Men protect men. Therapists protect male clients. Companies protect harmful CEOs. Abusers protect abusers.
Silencing your friend’s sexist comments in a poker game, chronic blow-ups at bars, or his jokes about date rape drugs––is collusion. Protecting your husband from feeling shame regarding his actions after drinking with friends, or yelling at your children, or being chronically rude at family gatherings––is collusion. Turning a blind eye to your co-worker’s sexual harassment of female co-workers, making light of his comments by saying he’s just joking, or telling female colleagues to just ignore it––is collusion.
The Collusion of Silence is about enshrining those in the exalted position so much that you don’t dare name their abuses, poor behaviors, or harms done to you or others. You (and others) make sure that they are protected, insulated, empathized with and utterly emboldened–even when the pain they inflict is jawdroppingly caustic.
We’ve watched this play out incessantly on the world stage pertaining to Jeffrey Epstein. World leaders, CEOs, billionaires, governments, the FBI, and everyone in between, were frantically trying to silence the demand for more information. His victims have been silenced, dismissed, intimidated, attacked and everything but validated and heard. The demand for more information resulted in the leader of the United States attacking those demanding more accountability on social media: “Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bull––t, hook, line, and sinker. I don’t want their support anymore!”
The tides have changed though. Since that statement was made, the Department of Justice has released millions of documents from the Jeffrey Epstein file. Pay attention to how the collusion of silence plays out with groups such as MAGA, Republicans, Christians, and countries all over the world.
“I own the banks. I own the government. I can do whatever I want.”
— Jeffrey Epstein, as reported by trafficking victims in Department of Justice files
Was Jeffrey Epstein correct? How many men are wrapped up in this? How many wives are desperately colluding to protect their husbands from having to bear “too much” for them to carry?
Now that the genie’s out of the bottle, the question remains: Will we continue colluding despite these revelations? Will we return to the same protective silence that allowed this harm to continue for decades?
Challenge: Pay attention to the Collusion of Silence all around you—in your home, on the job, and in the world. Notice when and how you collude in your life and how you command others to protect you with their collusion regarding your behaviors. Do you treat others like they are too fragile to be accountable for their behaviors? Do you signal to others that you are too emotionally fragile to be held accountable? On either end of this equation, the damage is beyond harmful. Are you colluding?
