Being critical and controlling is a tough combination for an individual to have.  It’s a deadly combination in relationships and families.  Often underlying this combination are issues related to perfectionism.  Perfectionism is an impossible weight to carry—for you and for those around you.

The hardest hit by criticism and control, I believe, are children.  When a parent is constantly correcting a child, the underlying message to that child is, “You’re not good enough.”  The parent ends up repeatedly fine tuning the child’s behavior:

•    Why did you color the girl’s hair purple?  Girls don’t have purple hair.
•    You should change those shoes—they don’t match.
•    That’s a nice story you wrote, but you didn’t have enough adjectives in it.
•    Those pants don’t fit you right.  They’re not very flattering.

These daily tweaks become overwhelming for a child.  They are a constant reminder of how inept s/he is.  In the short run, each tweak gradually takes more and more wind out of a child’s sail.  After an entire childhood of tweaks, it wreaks havoc on a person’s self esteem.

Romantic relationships are almost as equally scathed.  When one partner is highly critical, the other partner begins to feel as though s/he can’t do anything right.  They start to believe that whatever they do will never be enough for their partner.  Often they are right.  Critical partners see the world with a skewed lens.  They magnify mistakes and overlook successes.  They are like relationship pessimists.  Criticism and control in adult relationships sounds like this:

•    Why are you waiting until NOW to take out the garbage?  Everyone knows it’s better to take it out in the morning.
•    Don’t you know how to do anything? The bedtime routine is: brush their teeth, read a book, tuck them in, give them a kiss and then go.  Don’t sit with them for 20 minutes after reading the book!
•    No, you may not go out with your girlfriends.  They’re a bad influence on you.  You need to stay home where you belong.
•    Thanks for the hug, but you just did that because I have been complaining about you not being affectionate.

The examples can be endless and the bottom line is: criticism and control are toxic to relationships.  No-one likes to be controlled.  No-one likes to be repeatedly criticized.  If you have the need to control others so you can feel okay—get help.  Often, people who are highly controlling and critical, struggle with issues of self esteem.  They need to control others in order to feel in control themselves.  This is very uncomfortable to them and those around them.  If you struggle with this you need to know that control is an illusion.  You can’t control anyone other than yourself.  Stop trying to fix those around you and keep your eyes on you.  If you don’t, you’re likely to live a very agitated, lonely life.   

You deserve better than that—as do those around you.  

CHALLENGE: Pay attention to all the tweaking you do with your loved ones.  Stop telling them how to do things and/or how they’re off.  Instead, change your lens.  Pay attention to what they’re doing that’s good—or good enough.  Demanding perfection is an impossible feat to ask of others and it’s an imperfection of yours.  Handle it.