“Bringing your adult self to family holidays makes for much better gatherings.” ~LMB
Whew, there are few things more capable of bringing you right back to acting like a 10-year-old child than family gatherings! Your parents’ critiques, sibling rivalries, family idiosyncrasies, and the seemingly unavoidable pull to return to your “family role” can wash over you in an instant. Do you immediately jump into peacemaker with each family flare-up, or are you the flare that blows things up? Perhaps you try to become the family entertainer, getting all eyes on you, or the “fixer,” solving problems no one asks you to solve?
Fortunately, as an adult, you have a choice regarding how you show up in your family—even when they show up the same as they always have. No matter which role you feel compelled to play this holiday season, remember that with age comes not only the passage of time but also a myriad of life experiences, new skills (hopefully), greater maturity (again, hopefully lol), and often, a more worldly perspective than you had as a child. This means you’re no longer stuck in your childhood role.
Using all the knowledge you’ve gained beyond your childhood, though, requires mindfulness during family gatherings if you have any hope of avoiding the insidious pull of childhood patterns. And although I say this “tongue in cheek,” it often does require greater concentration than you might think. So, for those of you heading into family gatherings with a mix of difficult, annoying, triggering, or wonderful family members—here are some tips:
- Get grounded. Before you enter the home, take a few centering breaths to calm yourself, ensuring that the adult in you is the one leading the way—not your reactive teenager.
- Notice the little things. Pay attention to the things that make your family—your family. Take in the family jokes, traditions, oddities, and unique characteristics that define your family (or friendship group if celebrating with friends). Leave judgment out the window while you take in the uniqueness of your corner of the world.
- Accept people for who they are. For one day, embrace family members as they are. If Danny is often loud and drunk, don’t expect him to be quiet and sober. If Sue tends to be standoffish, don’t take it personally if she barely says hello. Accepting family members for who they are can be transformative; deeper conversations about grievances can wait for another time.
- Engage with positive energy. Even if you don’t want to be there, once you agree to go, show up with positive energy and engage with others. Being a black cloud does no one any favors. If you can’t be kind, then decline the invitation.
- Limit your drinking. Keep your alcohol to a minimum—particularly if family gatherings tend to go off the rails.
- Keep things light. Don’t use holidays as a platform to act out resentments, ignore family members, or bring up unresolved issues. Family holidays are not the place to work through past hurts, betrayals, or family drama. Family issues deserve their own time and space —schedule time for another day.
As you go into this Thanksgiving, remember that this holiday is about gratitude; pay attention to the gifts around you, not the flaws. Every family (and friendship group) has its quirks, imperfections, strengths, and gifts. Focus on the gifts.
If family history is too painful or you’re reluctantly spending the holiday alone, remember that sometimes gratitude can grow out of the things you take for granted—start there. Here are some of mine:
- Blue sky
- The warm sun on your face
- A good dessert, chocolate, treat
- A good meal
- A roof over your head, clothes on your body, shoes on your feet
- A place to gather
- Your health and/or the health of various family members/friends
- A warm fireplace
- Laughter
- Holding the hand of a small child and/or a child’s giggle
- A good book, a funny show, or a quiet moment to yourself
- The love of a pet
Whether you’re with family, friends, or alone this Thanksgiving, take the time to appreciate even the smallest of things you’re grateful for. Practicing gratitude replenishes the soul, one tiny spark at a time.
Challenge: Make your family holidays, celebrations: Laugh often, observe without judgment, don’t take things personally, and focus on the gifts, not the cracks. And remember, bring your adult self to the occasion, not your 10-year-old or teenage self.
