“Always pay attention to actions, not words. If you’re still wondering if they’ve changed, they probably haven’t.” ~LMB
In a world where fake stories, recordings, and information is rampant, it can be easy to get sucked in. Just as we can be fooled by information online, we can also be misled in relationships—particularly in struggling relationships where hurts, betrayals, and harmful interactions have been ongoing. When big hurts have happened in a relationship, trust is one of the first things to go. How can you trust someone who’s hurt you more than once?
Common harmful patterns that break trust include:
- Affairs
- Lies
- Lack of accountability (seldom apologizes or often responds with defensiveness and reactivity when their behavior is called out).
- A pattern of anger, reactivity, and explosive outbursts.
- A pattern of lack of responsibility, follow-through, or initiative.
These behavioral patterns can continue ongoing until you realize you can no longer live with the damage they cause. Once this decision is made and the new expectations are clearly communicated to your partner, the next hurdle is trusting that the behaviors will actually shift.
The biggest mistake people make regarding their partner changing is relying on their partner’s words. Words without actions are empty promises at best. And, the reality is that people often lie––out of guilt, fear, or even to reduce the pain that honesty will cause. Yet a lie is a lie no matter what justification it is wrapped in.
If you’re wondering if your partner has stopped the affair, is working on their anger, or is being more responsible, then pay attention to their actions. No matter how many times they tell you they’ve changed or promise to get help, the only information you want to pay attention to is if they are showing up differently—not saying they are. Here are two examples of what to look for regarding behavior change:
- For affairs: Are they giving you their passwords, handing you their phone when you’re suspicious, and consistently showing up for couple’s sessions with you to work through the fall out of their actions. And are they remorseful without blaming you or the marriage for their actions?
- For anger: Are there fewer blow-ups and less snapping? Are they less reactive, calmer, and are you walking on eggshells less? Have they contacted a professional and started sessions to work on their anger?
The bottom line when it comes to transformation is this: when a person truly shifts their behavior, you feel it. They show up different. They’re not repeatedly telling how they’ve changed or promising they will change; they actually do it. When people genuinely transform, you see and feel the difference every time you’re around them. Their shift is also consistent over time, not sporadic.
Challenge: When it comes to evaluating whether real change has occurred, stop wondering and start paying attention to how your partner is showing up and how you feel in their presence. Don’t be fooled by promises, apologies, or even tears. Pay attention to actions. If they’re actions are the same but their words sound good, they haven’t changed. Now you have to decide what that means for you—and then ACT on that insight.
