“Raising emotionally shut-down boys creates fragile, disconnected—and often violent—men. Be careful what you teach.” ~LMB
One of the greatest needs for human beings is a sense of love and belonging. We are social creatures who yearn for connection. Regardless of your age, gender, or upbringing, at your core, you want people in your life—and not just any people—you want people who like, care about, and love you. This core need is so ingrained in your being that you will get it met anyway you can—even if doing so hurts.
Having that sense of belonging can happen in gangs, teams, families, political parties, religious organizations, and on and on. If you can’t find it in one place, you are likely to seek it out in another place and will continue that search until this need is met.
This thirst for belonging is bringing many people—particularly boys and men—down a very dark path.
Many of these males are looking for help and guidance to take the pain away. Although they want connecting relationships, they are at a loss regarding how to create that with women. As a result, boys are turning to women-hating, relationally toxic, online communities for advice about women and a sense of belonging with others.
These groups, however, are run by angry, emotionally fragile men who are devoted to turning men and boys into emotionally fragile, physically dangerous, rage machines. The goal of the Andrew Tates of the world is to teach newcomers how to harm, use, and control females rather than connect with them. They preach that this model of hating and controlling women is the true pathway to success, satisfaction, and being a “man.”
What these influencers and “manosphere” groups don’t tell the males is that no matter how effective the men become at dominating, abusing, and controlling women, most of them will still feel that same emptiness, self-loathing, and loneliness that led them to the group in the first place. It turns out that turning men and boys into rage machines actually leaves them more miserable, disconnected, and angry than before. The males who buy into this messaging don’t feel “happy.” They don’t feel joy. And they certainly don’t feel loved.
After working with men for over thirty years, I can unequivocally tell you that men are starving for connection. They are dying to be loved, appreciated, and genuinely respected. In fact, this need is so great that some men are even seeking “love” and connection via AI “partners.”
Many men can do with AI what they can’t do in their everyday lives—be FULLY human. They can share their feelings, upsets, dreams, and fears with a stranger on a computer without fearing any mocking, shaming, or “man-up” messages meant to shut them down. However, expressing vulnerability in real relationships goes too far against what’s been ingrained into them most of their lives.
Turning boys into “rage machines” is destroying men—and killing women.
Our sons deserve better.
Our fathers, brothers, husbands, and friends deserve better.
Our mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends deserve better.
Our world deserves better.
Men got sold a bill of goods about what it means to be a “man,” and they thought by dominating and controlling others, they would “win.” What they didn’t count on was how much their rage and dominance would push people away from them. They didn’t foresee the tragic level of loneliness this messaging would cause in their lives. And they didn’t realize how much our world took from them by forcing them to toughen up, man-up, and suck it up.
Stop buying into toxic messages that are harming boys, turning men into emotionally fragile rage machines, and leaving males of ALL ages ill-equipped to handle the messiness of life. Mandating that boys don’t “feel” leaves all males tragically unable to manage the everyday upsets, rejections, losses, and normal highs and lows of life.
Consequently, far too many males are squashing every uncomfortable feeling they’ve been taught wasn’t okay or “manly” to feel by shutting down, blowing up, or attacking those they deem responsible for their pain. This pressure for hyper-masculinity is harming men, killing women, and putting everyone at risk of violence from males of all ages.
Challenge: Don’t buy into the “Man-up, toughen up, suck it up” gender messaging showered on males from the time they are 3 years old. Challenge every “man up” message you encounter. Fight the system that trains men to harm and women to cower. All human beings deserve to be WHOLE human beings capable of love, connection, strength, compassion, and great lives.
Dare to fight for something better. Our sons, fathers, brothers, mothers, sisters, and daughters are counting on it.
The world is counting on it.
