I just had someone send me a link to an open forum regarding the Alec Balwin/Kim Bassinger fiasco. For those interested, the link is:
http://www.convinceme.net/viewOpenDebate.php?dib=1245
After reading many of the comments I thought I’d weigh in from the standpoint of a relationship expert. So here it goes…
My belief is that relationally, Alec’s behavior was out of line, abusive, and irresponsible—regardless of his reasoning. As parents we are responsible for teaching our children how to be in this world. It’s our job to teach our children how to handle their: emotions (including anger), disagreements, everyday pressures of life, etc. We provide them with love, guidance, and limits, and we do that, not only through our words, but also through our actions. We are here to teach them how to create healthy relationships, including how to stand up for themselves–without stomping on others. We can’t do that if we are stomping on them.
The moment Alec said he didn’t care if his daughter was eleven years old and then went on to verbally abuse her, he made the choice to put the best interest of his daughter aside so he could carelessly vent and let off steam. He went further by calling her a pig, and in the end used intimidation and threats to try to get her to do what he wanted her to do. It seems to me the parent and child roles got mixed up, to say the least, in this call.
If we as parents cannot control ourselves, our children are not going to want to be around us (along with many other consequences). In addition, if we cannot control our own emotions then we have no right to even begin to expect our children to control theirs. Children live what they know; they know what they SEE.
Alec and many other parents need to realize that we teach our children through our actions. No matter how bad we want to let it rip sometimes, that choice always comes with a consequence. When we choose to not control ourselves, we teach our children they have the right to do the same. We will then suffer the consequences of that lesson for many years to come.
Parenting is hard–period. There’s no other job in the world, I believe, that is more difficult—especially when done well. Is it normal for parents to lose their tempers at times? Yes. It’s not normal, or okay, however, for parents to be abusive as a result.
As with everything else, there’s a line that parents should never cross. It’s one thing to snap at and raise your voice to your child; it’s an entirely different story to rage at your child, call your child hurtful names, and/or physically hit your child in anger. Once you’ve crossed that line, it’s your responsibility to realize you’re out of control and there is no excuse for that behavior. It’s in no way you child’s fault that YOU couldn’t control yourself!
If you are raging, hitting, swearing at, or calling your child names–know that you have crossed the line. This decision to cross the line has nothing to do with your child and has everything to do with you. It’s your job as a parent to protect your child and teach him or her. It is not your job or your right to abuse your child. Know the difference.
Challenge: If you are crossing the line between teaching and abusing, then step up and get help with your anger (anger management group, therapy, medication). When you do cross the line, by all means, make amends to your child, apologize, and don’t do it again! Do NOT rationalize your behavior because of your child’s.
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