Although I have talked a great deal about women who silence, I want to be clear that not all women silence. In fact, some women do quite the opposite – they rage. Most of them, however would not call what they do “rage”; they yell, scream, slam doors and say things they shouldn’t, but “rage” – that they don’t admit to.
I have found that, for whatever reason, women who rage, often have a harder time owning their piece than men. That is not to say that men also don’t struggle with this, however they seem to back down much quicker when faced with irrefutable evidence. Women, in contrast, more frequently move into justifying their behavior. They say they do what they do because their partner has been so passive aggressive, unemotional, or such a jerk for so many years, that he deserves it. They are adamant that the couple’s problems are a direct result of their partner, and if I knew what a jerk he’s been, then I wouldn’t even mention her behavior.
More often than not she is right on… and… totally wrong. You see, on the one hand, the woman’s partner often has been unemotional, passive aggressive, overtly aggressive or a host of other things. In short, he has been behaving non-relationally at best. However, as I say all the time, one partner’s irrational, mean spirited, non-relational behavior does NOT excuse, warrant or justify, the other partner’s irrational, mean-spirited or non-relational behavior. So while she might be right that he has been horrible to live with, she is not right that her rage is justified – and make no mistake, it is rage.
Women can behave just as outrageous as men and it is never more acceptable because it is a woman doing it. If you are a woman who struggles with your anger, dare to look at it, be courageous enough to own it, and be determined to change it. We all have our imperfections, if this is yours commit to working it.
Challenge: If you are a woman who struggles with anger or who’s partner, friends, children or loved ones have complained about your anger, then pay attention over the next month to how you react to things you don’t like. Watch your tone, words and intensity and try to lower the sting of all three. If you are not sure if this pertains to you, ask others you trust and take in their response – even if it is not what you wanted to hear.