Although I have talked a great deal about women who silence, I want to be clear that not all women silence. In fact, some women do quite the opposite – they rage. Most of them, however would not call what they do “rage”; they yell, scream, slam doors and say things they shouldn’t, but “rage” – that they don’t admit to.
I have found that, for whatever reason, women who rage, often have a harder time owning their piece than men. That is not to say that men also don’t struggle with this, however they seem to back down much quicker when faced with irrefutable evidence. Women, in contrast, more frequently move into justifying their behavior. They say they do what they do because their partner has been so passive aggressive, unemotional, or such a jerk for so many years, that he deserves it. They are adamant that the couple’s problems are a direct result of their partner, and if I knew what a jerk he’s been, then I wouldn’t even mention her behavior.
More often than not she is right on… and… totally wrong. You see, on the one hand, the woman’s partner often has been unemotional, passive aggressive, overtly aggressive or a host of other things. In short, he has been behaving non-relationally at best. However, as I say all the time, one partner’s irrational, mean spirited, non-relational behavior does NOT excuse, warrant or justify, the other partner’s irrational, mean-spirited or non-relational behavior. So while she might be right that he has been horrible to live with, she is not right that her rage is justified – and make no mistake, it is rage.
Women can behave just as outrageous as men and it is never more acceptable because it is a woman doing it. If you are a woman who struggles with your anger, dare to look at it, be courageous enough to own it, and be determined to change it. We all have our imperfections, if this is yours commit to working it.
Challenge: If you are a woman who struggles with anger or who’s partner, friends, children or loved ones have complained about your anger, then pay attention over the next month to how you react to things you don’t like. Watch your tone, words and intensity and try to lower the sting of all three. If you are not sure if this pertains to you, ask others you trust and take in their response – even if it is not what you wanted to hear.
Thank you for this article. I struggle with my rage (I am a woman) I want to stop it. How do I? Is it just a matter of will power and consciously over time learning to control it?
LISA’S REPLY: You’re very welcome. Thank you for your honesty. I believe many women struggle with this however have a difficult time admitting it or looking at it due to shame, denial, or feeling justified to rage because of the actions of others.
Your acknowledgement of having a problem is the first step, and a bigger step than you may realize, so nice job.
As far as what to do, I will be writing a post addressing this very question. Until then, the change begins with you making a decision to stop ALL rage under any conditions. You have to become conscious of what your triggers are, notice them, then breathe yourself down as much as possible. Leave the situation if you have to, don’t open your mouth if you know you are triggered, and tell yourself repeatedly that all people deserve to be treated respectfully. Do not justify your rage aand anger in any way.
This is the place to start. There are some people who no matter how hard they try, can’t seem to get it under control without medication and trauma focused therapy (Survivors Workshops at The Meadows for example). This is nothing to be ashamed about–it just is. The key factor in determining whether or not someone will stop thier rage…is the person’s decision to stop it no matter what.
Look for the post on controlling your anger within the week and know that this will be a process for you.
Take Care-Lisa