Resentments creep up in relationships all the time. You’re resentful that your partner works all the time. You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you. You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them. You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.
The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful. I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments. Your resentments are not the fault of other people.
Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior.
I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe. You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault. You may also feel very righteous about this.
Although I get that many people think this way, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Blaming your resentments on others is misplaced blame; it is also incredibly disempowering to you.
Resentments happen because of your response—or lack of response—to the behavior and actions of others. Resentments are about things unspoken and unaddressed. They happen when:
• You silence yourself.
• You twist yourself into a pretzel to not upset another person.
• You allow others to treat you poorly and do nothing about it (FYI: yelling about something is not DOING anything about it).
• You say nothing in an attempt to protect the other person’s feelings, ego or “fragility.”
• You over-extend yourself and put the needs of others above your own.
• You ignore your inner voice, gut or instincts and instead listen to the opinions of others.
In essence, people get resentful when they don’t have their own back. It does not matter how you rationalize not speaking about an issue. The bottom line is, when you don’t speak, you put the welfare of the other person above your own. The result: resentment.
If you’re tired of feeling resentful then stop looking at the other person, wishing they would change. Healthy relationships start with a healthy you. If you can’t speak to what’s going on for you and take action when necessary, you will struggle in your relationships. Know that you deserve to be treated well…and then act like you do.
Challenge: Pay attention to all the things you don’t say, all the actions you take that you don’t want to take and all the behaviors you allow others to get away with in an effort to avoid discomfort (yours or theirs).
Great article – I see a few do not agree – your ego may want to justify your resentments. Blaming others is a sure path to guilt and misery, from you, for you. Forgiveness is the only path to peace.
Resentment can not be determined arbitrarily. It has to be seen of WHAT SHOULD YOU HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
There IS ALWAYS a FIRST moment when you discover whatever the action is. WHAT you do at this point determines WHETHER you can Claim Resentment is NOT partially your fault.
If you attempt to take the HIGH ROAD and you fail. Resentment WILL most likely set in if you are not a balanced individual because it’s not easy to decide to take the high road and fail. Your own failure then makes you retrospectively attempt to claim what WOULD have been an action that you could have taken that would have PREVENTED you from feeling your OWN FAILURE IN THE PRESENT! The FACT that you can LOOK BACK ALL YOU WANT and APPORTION BLAME ALL YOU WANT, it doesn’t TRULY make you feel any better that you failed at the HIGH ROAD!
YOU WILL RESENT if YOU DO NOT LET GO and see that ONLY YOU could have responded differently, thereby making you an ACCOMPLICE in the RESENTMENT BUT NOT in the TRIGGERING ACTION.
Maybe the problem is language.It is okay to resent. It is okay to hate. For example, we should hate satan.
Similarly we should resent everyone, including our mothers, when they are not worth our respect.
When we resent we should know that we do and that sets us free because we are aligned with our emotions.
We should also know who resents us so we can keep them out of our lives. Contrary to opinions here, we should resent those who need our resentment then shut them out of our lives.
webi
I agree and disagree. One needs to choose her battles, stick up for self, but be prepared for the consequences. One needs to ask, “Is it worth it in the long run to make an issue of this?” Yes, we need to resolve the issue and not let it fester. But the resolving may be with the other person as you say, or sometimes it may be with ourself. The resolving is what is important. Life is not always so clear cut.
I both agree and disagree with this article as well as the comments. I agree that if you don’t try and talk to someone you resent or has hurt you in some way, then you are your own worst enemy. But if you DO try and talk to that person, and nothing changes, and you feel the same hurt and encounter the same battles day in and out, yeah you are going to feel resentment…even though you did you part.
But I also agree that most people do feel resent, but that doesn’t mean that you CAN speak up about it. Many people encounter situations in their lives where they fear that bringing up a particular conflict will result in hurting another. While I realize this is one of the pointers mentioned above, there really isn’t a solution on how to do deal with that.
All in all, I personally feel resentment just like the next person. However, I’ve recently learned that in my marriage, I have to learn to let things go. Things that have been bothering me for some time. In doing that, I feel as if I took care of my own resentment. However, there are other areas in my life where I feel resent, but it doesn’t necessarily make it easier to deal with.
It’s all in how you choose to handle it. If you choose to be angry about it, then you will never get over it, but if you choose to deal with it, then it will be all the better for you.
Resentment? I havent given it much thought before this article. I think that means it’s not something I choose to feel.
Probably that also reflects on my usual choice to speak out rather than be silent.
Not all the time mind you but, if I do remain silent then, in my opinion, I lose the right to feel bad.
Being resentful is giving someone else power over us. Don’t do it.
R
Speaking up remains my most difficult challenge in life. This essay is well-timed. I am in a relationship with someone new after being alone (my choice) for 3 years. Last week while we were out to dinner, he spent more time checking out much younger women in the room (do men think we don’t notice?) than talking to me.
I know men like to look at other women. I just don’t think it’s appropriate when he’s out with me.
I didn’t speak my truth, plainly without anger, so he will do it again I’m sure. My biggest challenge is speaking up—in the moment—with conviction and strength. Next time, I must be ready.
totally disagree with this theory. Resentment is not the fault of the person that has been used or abused or lied to or cheated on. Resentment is because the other party did not care enough. Their actions whatever they were caused the resentment. You can talk to them about whatever it is that upset you or they did,until you are blue in the face, but you still have that resentment. Their actions caused the resentment and will stay. It is not your fault that you have it. Even when they owe it , you will still carry some of that resentment because THEY put you in that position . IT is not what you did it is what they did to give you that resentment.You can not stop others from doing things you do not like just because you tell them to not do it, if they want to do it they will. You can control your actions not theirs, and when their actions causes suffering or pain it is NOT your fault you have resentment against them, it is theirs they own it not you.