“Giving your spouse an “allowance” sets up a parent-child dynamic every time. Financially partner, don’t control.” ~LMB
Managing money responsibly is not for the faint of heart. Balancing saving with spending on your own is hard enough; throw another person into the equation, and things can really get dicey. Add an income imbalance to this mix, and money can wreak havoc in relationships.
There are countless reasons for unequal financial earnings:
- One person’s job has a significantly higher income and earning potential than the other’s.
- One partner has health issues and is unable to work.
- A child is sick and requires more care, requiring one parent to reduce work hours.
- One partner has substantial income, and the other partner doesn’t “need” to work, or one or both believe in a more traditional setup.
- (Fill in the blank).
Fortunately, a difference in earnings within a couple—for whatever reason—is not inherently a problem. In fact, many couples do just fine with one person being the primary, or only, breadwinner in the relationship. Problems do arise, however, when the primary breadwinner acts as the family “controller,” unilaterally making all, or most, of the couple’s financial decisions.
When you grant yourself the right to make most of the financial decisions in your home because you “make the money,” you set up a power imbalance that is sure to wreak havoc in your relationship. This power imbalance often leads to resentments, unspoken anger, and a steady withering away of connection, respect, and love.
Below are three clues that there is a financial power imbalance in your relationship, and money is likely to create problems:
- The higher earner unilaterally controls the money: Future goals, visions, and wishes regarding long-term savings, trips, retirement plans, and spending are largely driven by you, with little discussion as a couple regarding family goals. Attempts from the non-earner to challenge or discuss your financial decisions are dismissed, minimized, or met with annoyance and anger.
- The primary bread-winner gives their spouse an “allowance”: Rather than the couple working together to come up with a family budget and mutual agreements around spending and saving, you give your spouse an allowance. Any spending beyond the allowance requires your permission. You—the primary earner—are not held by these same restrictions. In fact, you can buy yourself, or others, purchases at any time (including cars, boats, etc.) with little to no discussion with your spouse.
(NOTE: In my 20 years of practice, “allowances” are primarily given by husbands to their wives. I have not seen heterosexual female primary earners give their husbands an allowance.)
- Financial differences and conflict get acted out rather than talked through: There’s an unspoken understanding that your spouse doesn’t have the right to question or discuss finances, especially if they are not financially contributing to the household. Conversations about “allowance,” spending, and financial stresses get shut down, don’t happen, or are avoided. When there is upset about a financial issue, it often comes out through excessive spending, passive-aggressive comments, or random blow-ups.
The Hidden Costs of Financial Control
Being the primary earner in your relationship can be very stressful. The entire family relies on you to pay bills, provide food and shelter, and continue making a living so you can all live comfortably. When you carry this weight alone and you decide how the money is spent or not spent, the weight becomes even heavier—on everyone.
When you are the non-primary earner and you have little say in your family’s financial health, you are extremely vulnerable and acutely aware that your financial survival is in your spouse’s hands. This powerless position can feel very parental, shaming, and anxiety-provoking. Having your spouse control your spending often leads to long-term resentments, anger, and disconnection.
Partnership Over Control
Getting married is about partnering and sharing the load in all aspects of life: finances, parenting, hardships, successes, dreams, goals, and daily life. Regardless of who is the “primary” breadwinner, parent, planner, or decision-maker, in thriving relationships, both spouses partner together to decide what is in the best interest of the couple or family unit.
This means that “your” money is no more “yours” than the children are only your spouse’s. Both of your opinions matter. Both of your contributions are important for the joy, success, and thriving of the whole system.
Challenge:
Start the conversation. If your current financial setup with your spouse consists of you giving them an “allowance,” dare to have a conversation about how they feel about that arrangement. Dare to have an honest conversation about how finances are handled in your relationship and what changes, if any, would feel better for both of you.
Have this same conversation about any other area where one partner is the “primary” holder of responsibility over a large aspect of your family life (parenting, finances, vacations, social life, etc.). Unspoken upsets lead to relationship-breaking resentments. Have the conversations.
