Many women I work with struggle with wanting a different relationship yet not wanting to stand up to their partners to get one. They just wish that their partners would step up and be more relational on their own. I can’t help but think how I would love that same thing regarding my children. I just want them to speak respectfully, do their chores, and follow the limits–on their own. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!
Well, as wonderful as that may be, I don’t see it happening. Men, women, and children for that matter, are all creatures of habit and that habit often does not change just because you wish it to. In fact, the more you watch the habit and hope for it to change, the more it grows bigger.
It’s frequently not until you stand up, be clear about what you need and want, and then stand behind that request, that things begin to change. Although there are times when even this won’t work, it’s your best shot at getting the relationship you’ve always wanted.
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Similar to many things in life, there’s good news and bad news about this. The bad news is that you actually have to stand up for what you want; you can’t just hope for it. Consequently, once you speak it, you risk an argument, refusal, and at the extreme, your partner walking out on you. That’s the bad news…
The good news is… in my experience, the more women speak up in a strong, confident, relational way, the more men step up to meet them. Let me say that again: the more women stand up, the more men step up. Why? Because often men know when their partners are serious (versus making empty threats) AND…they do not want to lose their families.
There are however men who are not particularly invested in their relationship. They may be having an affair, struggling with an addiction, or have no interest in being accountable and relational. These men are likely to run if you push for a loving, cherishing relationship.
If your partner decides to run and your requests are reasonable and relationally healthy for both you and your partner, my suggestion is that you help him open the door. Although I realize this can be incredibly difficult (especially if you have children), my belief is that the pain of losing someone who is emotionally caustic is less harmful than living with someone who is…for both you and your family.
CHALLENGE: If you’re not in a loving, emotionally healthy relationship then take the risk and stand up and fight for one. Do this moderately, respectfully, and with strength. Stand behind your words with actions