There are many people going through the pain of divorce and breakup in our society today. Some have asked for the breakups, while others were blindsided by it. Most, however, struggle with the fallout of being alone.
Below are the first five of 10 tips for getting through the pain of breakup or divorce:
1. Know that the way you are feeling now will change. In fact, your feelings can change by the day or even hour. Some people are relieved, while others are distraught. Often though, break-ups are incredibly difficult and are often characterized by loneliness, despair, depression and even hopelessness. People worry they will be alone forever, they’ll never stop feeling lonely, there’s something wrong with them, etc. These feelings will — and do — go away as you begin to adjust to being on your own. Enroll in a divorce-support group to help you get through this difficult time. If you find your feelings are just as intense several months out, then consider meeting with a professional to rule out depression and to help support you.
2. Practice extreme self-care. Now is not the time to be taking care of everyone around you. You need to do things you like to do, be with people who fuel you — not zap you — and pamper yourself. Don’t medicate your feelings with food, alcohol, drugs or sex. Instead, face your feelings and comfort yourself in healthy ways (i.e. with friends, movies, journaling, massages).
3. Do not try to prove you are attractive, worthy, sexy, a good catch, etc. to yourself or to anyone else. Many people think something must be wrong with them if their relationship didn’t work out (this is especially true if their partner initiated the breakup). They then go out and find someone to hook up with so they can prove to themselves that they still have “it.” Do not do this. Know you still have it and get comfortable being alone before you desperately try to cling to someone else in an attempt to feel okay.
4. Get comfortable with yourself. Take this time to get to know your self again. Women, especially, lose themselves along the way in relationships. Now is the time to get clarity about who you are and how you want to be in this world. Get comfortable with being by yourself. Be determined to learn to like your self, regardless of who you’re with or not with. When you like who you are without someone, you will be better able to be that same person with someone.
5. Surround yourself with healthy support. Protect yourself. Hang out with people who are a good influence. Don’t hang out with girlfriends who are drinking to forget their pain, hooking up with any man they find to explore their sexuality or who are encouraging you to do the same. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with like-minded individuals.
Regardless of whether you’re relieved, distraught or in-between the two, remember to focus your time and attention on yourself following a break-up. Don’t try to run into another relationship to soothe your pain—it will only cause more down the line. Take your time to heal, get comfortable with yourself and enjoy old friends. Gather the support you need and make sure it is healthy support. Be okay with being alone and know that, contrary to the message in movies, you do not need someone else to complete you.
CHALLENGE: Give yourself time and space to heal and re-group. Connect with old friends, journal, enjoy your children, be forgiving of yourself and trust that you will get through this. Practice extreme self-care and do so guilt-free. Good luck!