In one of my speeches to women I talk about the cost of settling for bad relationships.  Whether you’re a man or woman, the truth is that bad relationships take their toll on us.  They zap our energy, leave us unfulfilled and can be emotionally and physically harmful to our health.

Most people who are in an unhealthy relationship would attest to these effects without hesitation.  They’re quite aware of the day-to-day grind of living in a miserable relationship.  What they’re not aware of, however, is how their thinking keeps them in this miserable grind.  Below are the most common excuses I hear from people regarding their inaction to change things.  I wonder if you have said any of these yourself…

* She’s a nut.  If I tell her she’s too intense, she’ll go ballistic on me.  It’s not worth it.
* He won’t listen — he never does.  He’ll just tell me I’m sensitive or wrong or in some way turn it around so that it’s my problem not his.
* I’m tired and don’t have the energy to fight about it anymore.  It’s just easier to be quiet and avoid the argument.
* I can’t do anything — I have three children and I don’t want to leave them to him.  I have to stay and be a buffer for them.
* I’m stuck — I don’t have a job, money or skills.  What am I going to do?
* I’ve told her I’m unhappy, but what else can I do.  I can’t change her.  He refuses to go into therapy so what can I do?
* He’s an alcoholic and refuses to get help.  I can’t MAKE him go.  He has to want to help himself.
* She’ll make me pay if I do anything she doesn’t like.  It’s not worth the fight that I know I’m not going to win anyway.

There are a thousand variations on the same theme –  I have no control.  Too many people in miserable relationships have rendered themselves helpless with their thinking.  The idea that you have no control of the other person is absolutely spot on — you can’t control the other person.  The idea, however, that you have no control of the situation, is absurd.  Of course you have control of the situation — you’re in it, aren’t you? 

If you’re in a miserable relationship — or if you’re in a great situation, but are unhappy with one aspect of that situation — stop telling yourself you’re powerless.  The very thing that is making you powerless is the message you’re telling yourself.  The truth is, you’re scared, tired or hopeless, but you’re not powerless.

Creating change in your relationships requires clarity.  You need to be clear about what you want changed and know that you have the power to create change on your end.  Once you know you can change your end, you need to figure out what steps you need to take.  Forget about being scared, tired or hopeless and step in and start taking control of your life and your happiness.  Throw the excuses out the window and decide if you want to better your life or not.  If not, stop placing the blame on anyone but you.

CHALLENGE:  Listen to the excuses you’ve been making for accepting poor behaviors.  Truly look at them…and have the courage to see how these excuses have been holding you back from getting what you deserve.  Commit to taking one step toward taking action.  Let us know what happens – and good luck!