I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger. Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words. Here are some of the more common ones:
- It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.
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Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad? Everyone swears.
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It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.
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He deserved it. If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.
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I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.
Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is…hurtful. It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it.
For the record:
- What you say in anger is a big deal…especially to your partner.
- No you can't swear in anger…without it affecting your partner and your relationship.
- If you're saying hurtful things in anger…it is that bad and it has nothing to do with your partenr being too sensitive.
- You being hurtful is not justified and nor is it your partner's fault.
- If you said it, you meant it…and your partner knows that.
It's time to stop excusing your inexcusable behavior. It's your job to treat the loved ones in your life…lovingly. This is true in times of calm, and anger. Be diligent in not being hurtful to your loved ones under any circumstances. Calm yourself down before venting your anger and saying things you will later regret. And if you say it…repair it. Don't excuse or minimize, just apologize. In the future, see to it you keep your mouth closed until you can control what comes out of it.
CHALLENGE: Center yourself on the goal of having a calm, respectful household, period. Do not give yourself permission to vent or say hurtful things to loved ones for any reason. For one week observe how you speak to those you love when angry or upset. If you notice it's hurtful, then commit to taking the sting out of your words from that day forward. See what you notice as a result.
Treating people lovingly is very difficult to do when angry. It takes a tremendous amount of self control not to swear or say hurtful things, especially when people with hot tempers vent.
Im my personal experiences, I have had people scream at me, curse at me, threaten me, call me ugly names, and say the most abominable, cutting things that a longshoreman or boot camp soldier wouldn’t say (or maybe they would).
It took me years to finally teach myself that I am not the lowest, useless, most unworthy person in the world, and I deserve better. I started standing up for myself, refused to be treated so badly and even walked out. I am only human but I do deserve respect.
Later, I gave the offender the most complete dressing down they evert had in their lives. I will never again allow myself to be treated badly.
Wow! Just what I needed to help me explain my self to my partner regarding comments made in public!!
I thought I was just being sensitive.
Especially helpful in explaining why it is important we do not say mean hurtful things in front (in the vicinity of others) Thanks…
Frances – You do not deserve hurtful things being said in public or private. Your partner should be able to control the comments he makes and you too should discuss any problems he has without it resulting in hurtful comments. Keep reading other articles on this site, trying the different techniques, and I truly believe you will realize this.