Most of us try the same losing moves time and time again in an effort to change our relationships. Not surprisingly, these moves seldom create the changes we’re looking for. If there’s something going wrong in your relationship and no matter what you do it seems as if it just won’t change, chances are you’re doing the wrong things.
Below are five things NOT to do when trying to effect lasting change:
1. Do NOT yell, scream or call your partner names in an effort to try to get through to them. Yelling and screaming just makes you look like an out-of-control nut. Your partner will think you’re just blowing up as usual and won’t take your message seriously. Besides the fact that yelling and screaming is verbally abusive, thereby throwing all credibility out the window.
2. Do NOT threaten to do something that you — and everyone around you — know you’ll never follow through with. Making empty threats just proves to your partner that you don’t mean what you say. It weakens your power and will make your life much more difficult when you really do mean what you say.
3. Do NOT go on and on about what you don’t like, all the sins of the past your partner has done and all the endless ways they’ve hurt you. The more you talk incessantly about their countless screw-ups, how much pain they’ve caused you, how selfish they are, blah, blah, blah, the more they will tune you out. You will start to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Waah waawaahh waahh waaah…”
4. Do NOT try to change your relationship by over-accommodating, doing whatever your partner would like you to do and/or walking on eggshells. When you accept poor treatment in an effort to avoid a conflict, you teach your partner that poor treatment is okay. Ducking, avoiding or trying to be so kind and placating that they couldn’t possibly not be kind in return, will lose you their respect…as well as your own.
5. Do NOT silence, withdraw or check out for hours and days on end. Silence insures that the issue will not be resolved; there’s no forum to resolve it in. Refusing to talk to your partner will create an enormous distance in your relationship that one day may grow to be insurmountable.
Creating change in your relationship requires nuance, skill and determination. The moves above are all about reactivity, not nuance or skill. When you want to create change in your relationship, the first step is learning to control your reactivity. If you are making any of the moves above, chances are you are not creating the change you are looking for in your relationships. Tune in for the next post on what TO do.
CHALLENGE: Look over the list above and notice what moves you do when unhappy in your relationship. For the next two weeks just pay attention to what you do, why you do it and what happens as a result. Tune in for the next post on what to replace these moves with.