Many couples complain that they’ve lost the spark. They end up talking about what they’re not feeling, analyzing what they’re not feeling and questioning whether they will ever feel “it” again—at least feel “it” with one another.
In my experience, we need to stop complaining about what we’re not feeling and start taking steps to feel it again. There will always be periods in any long-term marriage/relationship when the spark will feel like it’s in severe hiding. Not feeling the spark in a relationship is not the problem, however; not working to get the spark back is a problem.
Stop acting like it’s a huge issue and instead see it as a natural part of any long-term relationship. The sexual intensity, exciting energy or that all-elusive “spark” naturally ebbs and flows. When you feel it losing steam—pay attention; when you feel it flowing—pay attention.
Getting the spark back starts with the little things:
• Speak kindly to one another in words and tone.
• Incorporate tender touches into your daily interactions. Rub your hand across the small of your partner’s back, hold hands, snuggle on the couch, greet them with a five second kiss vs. a peck, cuddle in bed. Make non-sexual, affectionate contact.
• Have fun and lighten up. Laughter is a huge connector when done right. An inside joke or playful humor almost always leads to me feeling closer to my husband…and it’s fun.
• Go out by yourselves. Leave kids, work, friends, etc. at home while you two spend time together with no interruptions. Don’t text or answer your cell phone unless someone is bleeding.
• Look into your partner’s eyes and have conversations. There’s nothing worse than going out on a date with your partner when it’s like pulling teeth to get them to talk. Ugh—speak up please.
• Ask your partner’s opinion and then listen to what they have to say.
• Write them loving notes and leave them on the bathroom mirror, in their pocket or on the steering wheel.
In essence, getting that spark back, requires that you take a risk and dare to deal with the uncomfortable shift of being affectionate and loving again. You need to do all the little things you did when you had the spark, only this time you have to do it not knowing if your partner will meet you. So what, do it anyway.
Most, if not all, relationships go through periods of hot attraction and low attraction. Leaving this relationship will not protect you from this reality. Be vulnerable. Take risks and work to get the spark back. If your partner is not interested, then at least you know you worked your side. If you’re not interested, do everything you can to get it back before you decide it will never come back.
CHALLENGE: If you’re missing the spark in your relationship, change your moves. Work your side to get it back. Choose 2-3 points from above and consciously do them every day for at least a month and see what happens. Let us know!
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