• Stan did everything he could to keep his wife from becoming angry. He avoided conversations he knew would be upsetting, he tried to complete all the tasks she told him to do and he would take her side in most conflicts with others. He hoped that if he did what she said, she would stop being so angry. For some reason, her anger only got worse.
• Sally says yes whenever possible. She agreed to be available for her boss 24-7 — his calls and demands continually increase. She helps her sister out by watching her children whenever she asks — it seems as if the more she says yes, the more her sister asks.
• Tammy cringes when her husband snaps at her. When he rages, Tammy gets quiet and does whatever he asks. His raging and harshness are the worst they have ever been.
Too often people take a passive position in response to poor treatment. Many people think that if they lay low, do what the person says or simply try to not get the person angrier, things will get better. This could not be further from the truth. Other than domestic violence situations (physical violence in a relationship), our silence in response to poor treatment often incites more poor treatment.
I realize this is counter-intuitive, however when you silence in response to poor treatment, you send the message that the poor treatment is okay. Inherent in your silence is acceptance. When people know they can treat you any way they’d like—they will do just that. In essence you are TEACHING them to do just that. Why should they treat you better? If you’re fine with it, why shouldn’t they be?
Every time you say nothing in response to disrespect, harsh treatment or rage, you teach the other person that rage, disrespect and harsh treatment are okay. Every time you purchase alcohol for your alcoholic loved one, you send the message that their drinking is okay with you. When you say nothing in response to your partner’s lies, you teach them it’s okay to lie to you.
What are your actions or lack of actions teaching the people in your life? Are you inadvertently teaching your loved ones to treat you poorly? If so, wake up; get stronger and stop accepting poor treatment. If you don’t stop it, it will increase. You need to teach people how to treat you. The best way to teach them is through your actions, not just your words.
If you don’t like someone’s treatment, step up and say so. Set limits, stop accepting and start acting as though you deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times. If you don’t know this, the people in your life certainly won’t.
Challenge: Take some time to think about how people in your life are treating you. If anyone is treating you poorly, pay attention to what message you’re giving them about that behavior—with your words AND your actions. Commit to teaching people how to treat you…by not accepting poor treatment.
the problem with this article is that there are no suggestions on what to say/do, how to do it…action items would be a great add. “Stand up for yourself” means…? “Make a boundary” means…? Explicit instructions are valuable. Thanks.
The person I’ve taught to treat me with disrespect is my 29 yr. old daughter. I wasn’t the best Mom in the world as she was growing up. I had many issues of my own. There was no physical abuse or verbal abuse but many times I was just emotionally unavailable. I was a yes Mom to her out of guilt.
Now she talks to me worse than anyone ever has. She scolds me and screams at me. She apologizes later and when she needs help with anything (which I ALWAYS say yes to) she’s a sweet as pie.
I cannot tolerate it anymore. I even moved across country to be closer to her and it’s been horrible. (I’m currently in the process of moving back to where I came from.) I did tell her that I didn’t deserve to be spoken to in that manner and that I didn’t want her to talk to me like that again. She said, “whatever”. I’m prepared to create a “break” in our relationship. I won’t tolerate this kind of behavior towards me from anyone. I won’t argue, I just want to walk away. She will insist and will scream, refuse to let me speak. She even holds her hand up to signify that I stop.
It’s heartbreaking. I am sad for her. But I can only walk away and I can only talk with her again when she is able to treat me with respect.
What if you are just plain tired of fighting for your rights? What if things just remain the same? Holding up that deep dark truthful mirror to yourself and to the other doesn’t always bring results such as respect. Some people simply refuse to respect you and your opinions and fundamental human rights, no matter what. There is no chance of earning it, nor demanding it with these people. One can tire of speaking up for one’s self, to only be ignored and bullied. Some don’t want to fight for rights in a manner that the bully only understands… bullying, yelling and threats. Life isn’t about winning, or being right, it should be about peace. When every difference of opinion turns into a screaming match, a conversation from which you are refused exit, does silence not seem a better solution. Sometimes behavioral modification programs simply do not apply. Sorry.
Dear Rebecca: I hear this complaint from women all the time. They’re tired of standing up for their rights. The reality is if each person does not stand up for themselves then people will treat them poorly–because they can. You’re right when you say some people won’t treat you well no matter what, however in that case it’s time to walk not duck and take poor treatment. if someone refuse to be respectful no matter you say or do, why do you want to be in their life? Be clear that if they refuse to change how they treat you that you will be ending the friendship, marriage etc. There’s no reason to stay miserable because someone doesn’t want to be respectful. If you can’t leave due to finances, create an in house separation and be explicit about it while you work to find ways to make it without this person. Don’t however just resign yourself to a life of poor treatment–that’s off.
Take care-Lisa
OMG…. this was me. I lost the disrespect of my partner. I “put up/shut up” about his lies and secretive behavior. I was always concerned that”he’s going thourgh a tough time.” he had lost his job, he’s depressed, an aging parent…When I finally drew a line in the sand..ie. set some boundaries, he returned to the person that I met and fell in love with 3 years prior. I made a conscious effort to stop being silent and it worked!
Dear Happy Again: That is AWESOME!! Thank you so much for sharing this and hopefully inspiring others to do the same.
Lisa
Lisa, Angie again. Thank you for the advice. You are right! I love this article and it is all true. I’m up for this challenge and ready to take control. Don’t know what I’ve been waiting for, but I’m not waiting anymore. Lots of appreciation for you and your website!